Taking over as her Dom

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NBCNCO -> Taking over as her Dom (7/29/2009 11:02:11 AM)
Greetings all, I have a medium length story so to those with the patience to read it all I am grateful. I have no experience with being a Dom. I have experience as a senior NCO in the military so I am not unfamiliar with giving orders and administering discipline (albeit never to someone I'm sleeping with). My current girlfriend of two years is accustomed to the BDSM lifestyle, I am not. She has had several Doms who treated her differently in sexual and non-sexual ways. I am accustomed to treating women delicately and catering to them, but this clearly isn't the best approach with her. I love her and I want her to be happy but we have problems in our relationship, and I think they may be due to me not being a Dom for her. Please bear in mind that since I am new to this, I am very concerned that I will continue a trend of "perversion" in her life. I have seen many things and I don't consider BDSM to be deviant behavior. I just want to make sure my motivations are right. I am a purist in all things I do and I see no point in carrying on a charade or devaluing the truth of something by failing to understand it. Now that you know a little about me, I'd like to describe her. She is in her 20s, I am 14 years older. We are both college students as I'm returning to complete my degree. She is a newly commissioned officer in the military (sharpshooters: this is permitted as I'm out of the IRR now). Her past Doms have subjected her to corporal punishment, verbal humiliation, facial, and breath control, and threatened her with trained attack dogs (I'm sure that has a word too but as I said I'm new to this.) She did not date or live with all of them, some were weekend visits only. She seems to have a fairly good understanding of what she wants/needs. We both get a fair share of stress in our lives, work, money, etc., and it affects her much more severely than me. I know that she will handle adversity better with more time in the military, but right now she does not handle it well. She also has a particular concept in her head of a good life, with regard to home, leisure time, possessions, and work, and that we don't have that life (we live like college students). I try to give her my assurance that things will change but she is very impatient. When she gets stressed out she treats me unfairly, disrespects me, or throws tantrums and shuts down emotionally. Two years have gone by like this for a number of reasons, first, I was initially unsure if BDSM is for me, second, I didn't know about collarme, and so on. I have since discovered that I really find a lot of it gratifying and fulfilling. But most importantly, she seems happier and more comfortable when I am exerting control over her. If I address her behavior by grabbing her, dragging her to the bedroom, and tanning her bare backside she responds immediately by becoming more docile, affectionate, and rational. I always make it a point to discuss the incident later, to remind her that I love her, and that I want her to trust and respect me so that she can be successful and happy, not just to cause her pain. She always thanks me and tells me never to let her go when this happens. I find it very sexually gratifying to place her on her knees, to spank or slap her when she disrespects me, and to control her breathing when we are in bed. I also get off on penetrating her anally, because she responds with fear and anticipation, and she always wants to impress me with her discipline. The sound of her whimpering as she endures it is almost too erotic to bear. (I am very careful and have very thoroughly researched the devices and techniques so as not to injure her or cause undue pain, and again this is something we discuss thoroughly before, during, and after.) I don't want to make my sexual pleasure the objective of dominating her. I want the success and pleasure of our relationship to be the reason, but then I wonder if making it all about pleasing me will truly allow her to live as a submissive. A lot of things in life compete with her for my attention right now. I am working to improve my degree and get a better career, and I have immediate family members with health concerns, so sometimes I cannot be there for her. She gets discouraged and sees this as inconsistency on my part. In the past I would make up for it by being fierce and cruel with her, but lately I have established a demerit scale. When she displeases me, whether we are out in public or separated by great distances, I can immediately tell her she's earned a demerit and can expect punishment later when we are in private. She is always asking if she can do anything to reduce her count before our next counseling together. I also wonder if I should be more controlling with her in other ways, ordering for her at restaurants for example. Are there other ways she could relinquish power to me that would help her to be happy and feel loved? She claims to be able to be in charge at work and come home and give over completely to me, and I believe she has the experience to be successful at this, so I imagine pretty much everything is fair game. Another thing that I am curious about is whether I should take control in an area where she doesn't want to give it up. I have the sense to leave school and work decisions to her, but perhaps I could discipline her for making a mundane decision without asking me. Again, thanks for the patience, and I welcome all comments from experienced or inexperienced subs and Doms. I really love her and I want her to be without a doubt that her man is strong and powerful, and that I'm driven to make her submissive spirit feel safe, loved, and supported.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/29/2009 11:10:40 AM)
I am not really sure what you are after, seems to me that you are doing fairly well. As to whether you should exert control in areas she hasn't asked for you to only you can work that out, seems like you both communicate well so asking her seems like a good idea.

RCdc -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/29/2009 11:15:17 AM)
Do what you require. If you find ordering in restaurents stimulating - do it. Talk to her and find out what she would like and see if it's compatable with your desires. If you like it and she agrees with it, go for it. There are no set rules, only the rules and ways you decide. the.dark.

olena -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/29/2009 11:18:38 AM)
You need to sit down and discuss all of this with her. It certainly sounds like you enjoy many of the things talked about on here but I get the feeling that in your relationship are giant mixed signals and things done for both enjoyment and to send a message usually clouds relationships of any type. A relationship dynamic cannot fix human behavior and desires. If she wants a better life in her eyes that problem will not get fixed by punishing her every time the issue comes up. You might very well be just avoiding the elephant in the room by distracting to a fun thing. There is a good chance since she has already been in this life that she wants you to be more controlling and dominate her for your enjoyment a lot more and a lot more consistent. But just be very careful in thinking you can solve all your problems or change her by doing so.

NBCNCO -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/29/2009 11:27:44 AM)
olena: I agree with you. She has concerns about our frugal lifestyle and I'm sure she worries about it even after I have calmed her down. But in many ways she is taking a childish view of things. We cannot move right into a $2M house and enjoy cruises and fine dining; we are both about to graduate from college and take entry-level jobs (although I do have my fingers crossed for a mid-career entry to the civilian world). Right now I need to put money away and get a place to live so I can stop paying rent. She doesn't seem understand how much more stability I can give her if I don't have to worry about which bill I'll pay first. So for some issues she really does need me to take her by the hand and show her the right way. If she is unhappy because she is not taking the whole picture into consideration then I feel like it's up to me to set her straight.

leadership527 -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/29/2009 12:04:30 PM)
NBC: I think you're doing fine... better in fact than an awful lot of posts I read here. My advice would be just to let yourself settle into it. There are no rules. Nobody here can really help you. At this point, it is between you and your girl.

CatdeMedici -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/29/2009 3:33:08 PM)
Do it for YOU, your heart has to be in it, when it is it will be fulfilling for both of you, if you are doing just for her, that's a recipe for disaster. Seems to Me there needs to be a lot of communication, defining needs, wants, desires, drives BEFORE anyone does anything under the guide of BDSM.

DesFIP -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/30/2009 8:21:25 AM)
I'm getting the feeling she acts up in order to receive the hard spanking. And that she handles things better afterwards. How long can she go before she needs another spanking? Don't do it as punishment but do it ahead of time on a regular schedule. You may want to research the term maintenance spanking. Best scenario is that she gets what she needs, she doesn't have to act up, she is less stressed and you both are happier.

Mercnbeth -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/30/2009 8:36:08 AM)
quote: ... I want the success and pleasure of our relationship to be the reason, but then I wonder if making it all about pleasing me will truly allow her to live as a submissive... it works for some of us[:)]

Kana -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/30/2009 9:11:36 AM)
I concur with the majority opinion here You sound like you are doing fine Do what you want-my experience is that every relationship has its own dynamic, let it develop But above all things, be true to who you are edited for spelling

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/30/2009 9:27:47 AM)
hugs kana OP, my only concern is to make sure you know that D/s need not have a punishment dynamic, at all. It can be sweet, hot and fulfilling, and work well for all concerned, without that whole reward and punishment thing going on. My slave and I do not have a reward/punishment dynamic. Funishment, yes of course- that's yummy. [:)] But that's entirely different than punishment.

Kana -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/30/2009 9:58:42 AM)
Hiya DD-hugs back and yep, you are right Not all relationships are punishment based As I said, find what works for you and yours and let the rest of the world pound sand

leadership527 -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/30/2009 10:19:34 AM)
quote: I want the success and pleasure of our relationship to be the reason, but then I wonder if making it all about pleasing me will truly allow her to live as a submissive. Just to provide a slightly different spin on this NBC, while I run the show in my house, it is certainly not all about pleasing me. I make my decisions based upon what I think is going to be good for the relationship. Sometimes that goes my way. Sometimes it goes her way. My goal is to raise the general level of smiling and laughter in the house. Try to remember that just because you're in charge doesn't mean anything. There is still the question of exactly when and how are you going to use the authority you've been granted. Another thing that you may find is that just as mercnbeth indicated, you'd be surprised how well the "pleasing you" part can work. In my experience with Carol, so long as she's getting hers in the relationship, she derives a great deal of direct pleasure out of "pleasing me". Another angle to consider on that is at least for Carol & I, we love each other. So "pleasing her" and "pleasing him" are pretty tightly intertwined. I like it when I get to give commands that I know are going to please her. Her happines and mine are linked. quote: Another thing that I am curious about is whether I should take control in an area where she doesn't want to give it up. Uh.... sure... we would call that non-consensual. No seriously, why on earth would you try something like this? Sure, depending on how manipulative you are, you might succeed. But in all honesty, why not just start out in the initial areas and allow her to gain confidence in you. Then extend out from there. That's how I did it anyway. WHen I extended my control, I did so directly and forthrightly... "Can I command you in this new area?" At some point I just stopped asking because it was easier to assume "yes" unless she said "no". But in the beginning, I was scrupulous. For Carol and I, she WANTS to submit. I don't need to do any slight of hand tricks to facilitate her submission. If I want more/better/different submission out of her, I just ask for it. Remember how I said above that she really likes to please me? So when I ask, sure there's a component of scariness in it, but there's also the new opportunity to please me. It took me a while to figure out that in some ways she is just like a trained dog. At first, I felt guilty "making Carol do tricks and jump through hoops just for my enjoyment". What I didn't get is that when the dog and the dog trainer do their tricks together, the dog isn't feeling all put upon. Rather, it is pleased that it can be smart and do the right thing for it's pack. The dog and dog trainer are a team. I hope any of this helps.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/30/2009 3:36:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 quote: I want the success and pleasure of our relationship to be the reason, but then I wonder if making it all about pleasing me will truly allow her to live as a submissive. Just to provide a slightly different spin on this NBC, while I run the show in my house, it is certainly not all about pleasing me. I make my decisions based upon what I think is going to be good for the relationship. Sometimes that goes my way. Sometimes it goes her way. My goal is to raise the general level of smiling and laughter in the house. Try to remember that just because you're in charge doesn't mean anything. There is still the question of exactly when and how are you going to use the authority you've been granted. Another thing that you may find is that just as mercnbeth indicated, you'd be surprised how well the "pleasing you" part can work. In my experience with Carol, so long as she's getting hers in the relationship, she derives a great deal of direct pleasure out of "pleasing me". Another angle to consider on that is at least for Carol & I, we love each other. So "pleasing her" and "pleasing him" are pretty tightly intertwined. I like it when I get to give commands that I know are going to please her. Her happines and mine are linked. quote: Another thing that I am curious about is whether I should take control in an area where she doesn't want to give it up. Uh.... sure... we would call that non-consensual. No seriously, why on earth would you try something like this? Sure, depending on how manipulative you are, you might succeed. But in all honesty, why not just start out in the initial areas and allow her to gain confidence in you. Then extend out from there. That's how I did it anyway. WHen I extended my control, I did so directly and forthrightly... "Can I command you in this new area?" At some point I just stopped asking because it was easier to assume "yes" unless she said "no". But in the beginning, I was scrupulous. For Carol and I, she WANTS to submit. I don't need to do any slight of hand tricks to facilitate her submission. If I want more/better/different submission out of her, I just ask for it. Remember how I said above that she really likes to please me? So when I ask, sure there's a component of scariness in it, but there's also the new opportunity to please me. It took me a while to figure out that in some ways she is just like a trained dog. At first, I felt guilty "making Carol do tricks and jump through hoops just for my enjoyment". What I didn't get is that when the dog and the dog trainer do their tricks together, the dog isn't feeling all put upon. Rather, it is pleased that it can be smart and do the right thing for it's pack. The dog and dog trainer are a team. I hope any of this helps. [sm=goodpost.gif] [sm=yourock.gif]

JenTehLuv -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/30/2009 5:11:47 PM)
I'd first like to say that you're doing fine at the moment, at least when it comes to you stepping out of your comfort zone to try something new like BDSM. I recently got my boyfriend (Dom in training) into it as well, so I can see the struggles you have made to make your partner happy, since I saw it in my own lover; and I'm sure she's thrilled about you joining "the dark side" lol. As for controlling other parts of the relationship in regards to ordering her meals when you go out, etc; I think that's perfectly fine. Just discuss with her what her limits are, and as long as you respect and abide by them everything should flow nicely.

Leonidas -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/30/2009 5:50:03 PM)
I'll add to the chorus of "you're doing fine". I'll say a couple of things that go against the "conventional wisdom", but that you can consider for what they are worth: Control: What you cannot enforce, do not command. Wish I could take credit for that, but it's Sophocles. Don't feel you need to micro control to the point where you are giving her commands that she can easily disobey without you knowing. Your expectations need to be consistent, and so does the certainty of discipline if she fails to meet them. Getting away with stuff will do her more harm than any good that will come from your commands. As a general rule, don't command what you don't care about. Do you want her to have what you decide at a restaurant? If you don't care, tell her that she may order. What you command ought to be for her improvement, or your pleasure and enjoyment. Giving her a bunch of "throw away" commands that are obviously just you being a control freak will lessen her confidence in your authority, not enhance it. "Limits" Some of the folks here are encouraging you to discuss her "limits". That may or may not be a good idea. It could be disconcerting to her for you to even ask. She may be happier with you setting them, and feel uncertain when you ask her to. If you stick with the outline of when to apply control that I gave you above, and only command what you can enforce, and what you think matters, "limits" are going to be far less of an issue than if your relationship is based mostly on Sado-Masochistic play. If you command something of her that she has a hard time with, she'll let you know. Allow your girl to express when she's having a hard time with something (never refusal), and take the time to explain your intention to her if you think it will help. Don't be afraid to be firm, even when she's having a hard time. Sometimes it's important to a slave to know that you will be.

janiebelle -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/30/2009 10:57:22 PM)
NBC, You are obviously an intelligent, articulate man who seems to have a good grasp of what you are doing and why. There's not much in the way of specific advice strangers can give you, as there are no set standards and parctices beyond the "do what works" theory. That said, I would like to reiterate the point made below: quote: ORIGINAL: Leonidas "Limits" Some of the folks here are encouraging you to discuss her "limits". That may or may not be a good idea. It could be disconcerting to her for you to even ask. She may be happier with you setting them, and feel uncertain when you ask her to. If you stick with the outline of when to apply control that I gave you above, and only command what you can enforce, and what you think matters, "limits" are going to be far less of an issue than if your relationship is based mostly on Sado-Masochistic play. If you command something of her that she has a hard time with, she'll let you know. Allow your girl to express when she's having a hard time with something (never refusal), and take the time to explain your intention to her if you think it will help. Don't be afraid to be firm, even when she's having a hard time. Sometimes it's important to a slave to know that you will be. Depending on where you and your girl fall on the D/s to M/s scale, things like limits are going to be wildly variable. And for those relationships where things gravitate to TPE, the subject of limits gets even more obscure and hard to define, let alone to decide upon a laundry list of "not in this lifetime" items. And since you are both relatively new to the relationship, and to BDSM, you might want to tread carefully in the quagmire known as "never". j

DarkSteven -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/31/2009 5:26:36 AM)
The only thing I'll add is about finances. t seems like she hasn't graduated from the child-state of 'ask for it and see if I get it" to the adult-state of "do we have money for it?" Sit her down. Show what money you have coming in and what things cost. Credit is ruled out - you want to afford everything and have some savings to boot. Get her input. Maybe she wants less savings and more eating out. Listen to her, discuss it with her, and then make the final decisions yourself. Getting her into these sessions will probably be like washing a cat. Good luck!

NBCNCO -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/31/2009 8:08:57 AM)
I'm very grateful for all these insightful replies. This is more than I'd hoped for; thanks everyone. I just want to share my thoughts on a couple of these ideas and see what you all think. BTW if I don't mention your post don't think I disregarded it. Some of you were brief but your thoughts still resonated with fragments of logic kicking around in my mind.. it's a big help. DesFIP: I suspect the same. Sometimes I catch her in irrational behavior and when I talk to her about it, it definitely makes the situation worse. I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around the concept of who is in control in this case; I think that subconsciously she is prompting me, or trying to. I used to draw it out as long as possible but I think there is potential for improvement here. Thanks for the lead. Leadership: I think your example of each of you pleasing the other is great. Also the concept of making it fun. I don't always express pleasure with her. I am used to setting the standard, insisting on compliance, and rewarding excellence. But this isn't my job, it should be the opposite of work. A good relationship is worth working for, but the end result shouldn't be an occupation. I am not sure I agree with your definition of "non-consensual" though. She has expressed a desire for total power exchange. I realize that safety, success in her career and studies, and compliance with the law make this impossible, but I don't feel that it's sincere or beneficial in any way if she can turn it off when she gets scared (and this ties in with my feelings on limits below). Sure, there should be boundaries, but she shouldn't be the one to set them. If she knows and controls the limits then all she needs to do is take one step beyond the length of my chain whenever she is afraid or confused, and this always makes things worse. But again, I'm not sure if I disagree with you. I am looking for a better way to establish limits and make her feel safe. It might help to relate a story from the early days of our relationship, when I was trying to be sweet and charming all the time. I told her I had problems slapping her or calling her names, because I didn't want to hurt her or make her feel like she was in physical danger. Her reply was that she never feels safer than when my hands are on her, especially if there is pain. This obviously comes with a great deal of responsibility. Are there things beside limits and safe words that people use for cases like this? Jen: If your boyfriend is on here I'd love to hear from him. Leonidas: You are wise indeed, whether you came up with it or not. I am sure she feels lost when she finds that she can violate my wishes without me knowing or being able to do anything about it (again, and I don't know if I mentioned it in the original post, we're geographically separated for a few more weeks before school starts up again). I had her buy a web cam and I found that for a few minutes here and there at least, I can observe her and know that she is following my instructions. This seems to help. I also have a thought about limits, based on what I learned training new recruits. Young people can have a hard time finding their limits because their fear prevents them from testing them. Fear of failure, of embarrassment, of physical discomfort or pain, or of a real but controllable danger. I want her to trust that I am there with her, watching her and keeping her safe, and that she needs to let go of that fear to see what she can really accomplish. She has a -big- problem with fear of failure, whether it's driving a stick, doing pushups, or enduring a really good spanking. I think I am better off setting the limits for her sake, at least for now. Maybe when she has some actual experience in these areas she can be better equipped to set the limits. DarkSteven: It is very much like washing a cat. In fact, I have several cats and I can imagine using a flea dip as an excuse to get away and contemplate how I'll broach the subject. It does not help that she is living off of a hefty stipend and I'm tapping my savings to try to finish up my education. She's the one with the disposable income, and her argument against my financial wisdom is that she has money and I don't. But I'm working on it. I don't give up easy. Again, thanks to everyone.. really. I feel a lot less like a creep than I did two years ago and I feel better about our relationship the more I learn.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/31/2009 8:13:38 AM)
Welcome to the boards, OP! Please stay. [:)]

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