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Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 8:09:50 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		At the end of relationships it seems that we often fall into the blame game, for many the way to heal seems to be to dismiss the person who contributed to the wound. So often I see people simply blame their ex. I am often guilty of this in a fashion too, generally I blame myself for a while then blame them.

It seems to me though when we do this we are missing out on the change to grow and learn from mistakes. I have been accused of over analysis on many occasions and it is true that I do this. I have just done something that was not enjoyable due to the break down of a relationship, I know that my reasons prior to it were good but now I am kicking myself for doing it.

How do we get the distance we need to really reflect on what has happened, to look at it honestly? I think sometimes we never do. Is it best to reflect after time, or enroll other people to discuss it?

How do you learn from mistakes and do you believe that you take responsibility for your own transgressions?

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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 8:28:26 AM   
rideemwet


Posts: 93
Joined: 6/12/2009
Status: offline 		I think you can fall into the blame game even in the middle of a relationship.   Is it just part of human nature?  For a lot of people that seems to be the natural reaction.  I find that the best solution is to not worry about the fault but focus on the solution.  That's difficult at the end of a relation, where the solution is just to move on, but the process of moving on takes time and healing especially in an established relationship.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 8:31:01 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Blame is a natural emotion that is part of healing and grief.
 
There are no mistakes.  Only lessons.
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 8:32:04 AM   
TurboJugend


Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline 		when you are emotional..you can't think clear and start to blame
when you look back later......if it still has use......you can have a clearer look and so also what you did wrong yourself. Were 2 fight..2 are to blame ..is a saying here.

What I do when a relation ends...it ends. No need to send endless emails..or keep contact.
There is a reason it is over...accept it....it prevents the dirty war aftherwards.

on the other hand...emotions make us say stupid things...a way to communicate or to express.

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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 8:33:37 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		I agree the.darkness I think when you are feeling it though the idea of getting away from it is really hard. How long is it ok to blame someone? What happens if you let blame consume you? Will you learn if you simply dismiss it all as the other persons fault?

I like that though, no mistakes only lessons, it is rather comforting.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 8:35:08 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I think it is important to portion out responsibility and figure out who did what. It helps you learn what not to accept in the future, what not to do, what to do, what you need in a relationship etc.

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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 8:35:49 AM   
TurboJugend


Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline
quote:

no mistakes only lessons, it is rather comforting.


yes now....untill you are in the middle of it.
but looking back...you might see it is lesson.
lol..emotions suck....rational thinking is shut down...


and still when in love...we repeat mistakes...
we should forbid love!!!

< Message edited by TurboJugend -- 7/24/2009 8:36:29 AM >

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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 8:40:04 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend
What I do when a relation ends...it ends. No need to send endless emails..or keep contact.
There is a reason it is over...accept it....it prevents the dirty war aftherwards.


Except when it is better and just as much reason to keep friendships.
Just because it did not work, does not mean there is hate and war, even if there is blame.
 
I have a good relationship with my Ex.  So does Master.  There are people here who are good friends still even though they part.  Sometimes, it is just that the timing is not good.
No dirty war.
 
One of the reasons I was attracted to Master was because he has good history and remains friends with many from his past.  That shows much, I feel.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to TurboJugend)
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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 8:43:56 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		The best thing for me, is to first look at my own responsibility. Examine it from all angles and accept my own failings, then the other person's. I remind myself, I chose them as much as they chose me. 

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 8:44:18 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally
How long is it ok to blame someone?

As long as it takes.
quote:

What happens if you let blame consume you?

Then you learn from the lesson, or you do not.
quote:

Will you learn if you simply dismiss it all as the other persons fault?

Sometimes, there is no one else to blame.

the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 8:45:14 AM   
TurboJugend


Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend
What I do when a relation ends...it ends. No need to send endless emails..or keep contact.
There is a reason it is over...accept it....it prevents the dirty war aftherwards.


Except when it is better and just as much reason to keep friendships.
Just because it did not work, does not mean there is hate and war, even if there is blame.
 
I have a good relationship with my Ex.  So does Master.  There are people here who are good friends still even though they part.  Sometimes, it is just that the timing is not good.
No dirty war.
 
One of the reasons I was attracted to Master was because he has good history and remains friends with many from his past.  That shows much, I feel.
 
the.dark.

 
good point indeed
sometimes it just doens't work..and it is better to stop
 
I couldn't give that answer..I wasn't in that situation...but indeed
 
 

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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 8:47:11 AM   
TurboJugend


Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

The best thing for me, is to first look at my own responsibility. Examine it from all angles and accept my own failings, then the other person's. I remind myself, I chose them as much as they chose me. 


It gives me inner rest to know how I messed up by times...and sadness..when alone
But when the ex-partner contacts me..the blaming starts.

Soemtimes..although painfull..I think the blaming happens..when you really care. When I don't care and don't self reflect...the relation dind't have much vallue

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 8:47:19 AM   
strangemelody


Posts: 20
Joined: 7/9/2009
From: Somewheres, MI
Status: offline 		The only way I have learned from my mistakes is to keep making them over & over again. I had many "break-ups" with my last ex, and I guess they were kinda "practice" so that when it was finally over for real, it didn't seem like such a big deal. It did help to talk shit about him, lol, although it's not really the best thing to do. Mostly, keeping a journal throughout the relationship gave me perspective and helped me to fully understand the lessons I needed to learn.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 8:52:01 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

The best thing for me, is to first look at my own responsibility. Examine it from all angles and accept my own failings, then the other person's. I remind myself, I chose them as much as they chose me. 


It gives me inner rest to know how I messed up by times...and sadness..when alone
But when the ex-partner contacts me..the blaming starts.

Soemtimes..although painfull..I think the blaming happens..when you really care. When I don't care and don't self reflect...the relation dind't have much vallue



I still care about my ex, very much so, and we remain very close. I might swing through KC for a night of wild sex on my way back from vaca. I don't blame her for not being relationship compatible with me. She is who she is. I simply expected her to be otherwise. I also expected things of myself I couldn't do. And, as with most, I let lust and hormones lead the way. Once I sorted that all out.......zero blame. Still much love and caring.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to TurboJugend)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 10:12:04 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Sometimes blame goes the other way.  I always blame myself when things end.  In fact, more often than not I am the one that pulls the plug loose even though its not quite done.
Blame is human nature.  We always try to find a reason.
Kyst

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 10:34:12 AM   
maia09


Posts: 113
Joined: 6/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

At the end of relationships it seems that we often fall into the blame game, for many the way to heal seems to be to dismiss the person who contributed to the wound. So often I see people simply blame their ex. I am often guilty of this in a fashion too, generally I blame myself for a while then blame them.

It seems to me though when we do this we are missing out on the change to grow and learn from mistakes. I have been accused of over analysis on many occasions and it is true that I do this. I have just done something that was not enjoyable due to the break down of a relationship, I know that my reasons prior to it were good but now I am kicking myself for doing it.

How do we get the distance we need to really reflect on what has happened, to look at it honestly? I think sometimes we never do. Is it best to reflect after time, or enroll other people to discuss it?

How do you learn from mistakes and do you believe that you take responsibility for your own transgressions?


Thank you Lilly for this honest and open post. i NEVER blame - - - - only when they are wrong. LOL.  Like so many things i'm learning, blame feels powerful, but it isn't. But being the quick learner that i am (i'm 61 and just now realizing these things), i always have a choice. i've learned that it's more beneficial to me to just allow myself to feel how i feel for awhile, keep my mouth shut and then when the emotions subside, i can look at things with the perspective of what can i learn from this.  For me it's been the school of hard knocks, until i got it that i was the one with the hammer in my hand.


_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.

"I will always be the virgin-prositute, the perverse angel, the two-faced sinister and saintly woman." - Anais Nin

Owned by Chairman


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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 11:24:27 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend
What I do when a relation ends...it ends. No need to send endless emails..or keep contact.
There is a reason it is over...accept it....it prevents the dirty war aftherwards.


Except when it is better and just as much reason to keep friendships.
Just because it did not work, does not mean there is hate and war, even if there is blame.
 
I have a good relationship with my Ex.  So does Master.  There are people here who are good friends still even though they part.  Sometimes, it is just that the timing is not good.
No dirty war.
 
One of the reasons I was attracted to Master was because he has good history and remains friends with many from his past.  That shows much, I feel.
 
the.dark.


Like you I am friends with my ex. My ex husband and me are still really good friends and my relationship of four years ended but the friendship goes on.
I suppose I am lucky because I was never faced with a load of shit to pick up but I think its a great shame when people who have been together for years end up as arch enemies.

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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 11:26:21 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		As do I. Especially if they had children together.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 12:33:57 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

How do you learn from mistakes and do you believe that you take responsibility for your own transgressions?


I know that I am responsible as is everyone else. Learning from mistakes = living. Life can be seen as a lot of mistakes and fuck ups, where success comes when you err in making your mistakes and fuck up what you were about to fuck up anyway.

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RE: Playing the blame game - 7/24/2009 1:55:22 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i find blaming the other person, even when it really was their own stupid fault (lol ) is such a negative thing to get into - it just tips you into that hurt place.

... so i take responsibility for being with them, i remember what was good about it and then i move on.  i leave them with their own 'take' on the whole thing and wish them well.

i find it helps to put youreself in their shoes and try to understand their motives for doing or behaving the way they did.  but believe me, it has taken me years to reach this point.

the thing is you can only take responsibility for youre part in it all.  you cannot take responsibility for their part.  by allowing them to be human its possible to forgive and let go.


< Message edited by lally2 -- 7/24/2009 1:59:53 PM >

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