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Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 6:14:19 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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I don't know how I feel about this. To some extent, I believe that a session can be quite cathartic, not just of long past issues, but of current problems and pressures as well. I have experienced first hand how it can reset the scales in a lot of ways. It just brings back an equalibrium at times that has been lost. Time together can kind of make sense out of what becomes chaos internally after awhile.

What about when one party is very clearly and intensely in pain (physical, emotional, whatever)? In a submissive's case, is it or can it become a self destructive desire? If so, then is it acceptable to go forward with a session given the senario? In a dominant's case, is it or can it be a need to annihilate? If so, then is it acceptable to go forward? And if both are in this intensely horrible frame of mind at the same time, possibly over the same thing, how safe is it to play?

I have no answers or opinions. I really just want to hear others' insights. I am not talking at all about abuse or any other such thing. I am not talking about setting up a pattern of behavior even, just a situation that occurs at a point in time. Thanks!

lovingpet

Post #: 1

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 6:20:59 PM

frazzle

Posts: 1212
Joined: 6/20/2009
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Not for me.

Ok at mo i need a pain fix, and will get it saturday.

But it will be done, with both of us knowing why. it isnt a step towards abuse on either side of the coin.

Not sure that answers your question.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 2

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 6:25:50 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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I think a simple pain fix is probably different from what I am talking about. I am talking about one or both parties suffering and either playing despite the obvious situation or intentionally as part of dealing with it. I have felt like this when I am dealing with a severe fibro flare up, but I am leaving it open to many different kinds of "pain". Hope that is some clarification.

lovingpet

(in reply to frazzle)

Post #: 3

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 6:34:55 PM

SirLost

Posts: 142
Joined: 7/5/2009
Status: offline

I had met my first sub during such a period. I was suffering from a major depression and she had her own issues. Our relationship was like a painkiller, we were feeling stronger together.

But was it safe? It could be deceiving to say it had been safe according on our own experiences; it just depends on the willpower and sanity of the party, which are hard to be observed beforehand.

Another thing, having those issues may reduce the quality of or completely destroy of an existing relationship. Those were my cases.

Edit: Nevermind, I figured out I have misunderstood the problem.

< Message edited by SirLost -- 7/23/2009 6:38:39 PM >

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 4

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 6:37:57 PM

frazzle

Posts: 1212
Joined: 6/20/2009
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If my or His head space is in the wrong place, we play scrabble.

Having been on the other end of someone losing there temper, not my fault, will never go there again.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 5

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 6:40:12 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
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If we were both in the same crappy frame of mind over the same thing play isn't a good idea for us. Talk.. now that's a good idea for us. If there is something going on that's got both of us freaking out, then it needs to be resolved. Both of us are fairly calm and level-headed so anything that leads us both to the same crappy place really is going to be an issue that has to be addressed and fixed. BDSM might be good for some temporary relief, but it's not going to solve the core issue.. whatever that may be.

If it's one of us or the other - I need a beating or he needs to beat me for stress relief or whatever - that works well. We use the activities of BDSM in ways which benefit at least one of us at any given time. Usually that sort of thing benefits both of us because we both enjoy SM a great deal. Whether it's as a prelude to sex, for stress relief or just getting in some pain play because we like it, we use BDSM as the occasion and situation call for .. or, maybe we'll just go bowling. We both like that, too. But yeah, using BDSM on occasion as a catharsis works wonders on both of us, so.. why not? As long as we don't mistake it for some sort of band-aid when we're bleeding out our eyeballs, we can work with it.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to frazzle)

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RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 6:42:17 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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I have had to discipline a very difficult sub, who had DID, when it was the last thing on earth I wanted to do.

Never again. Too draining. I'm only going to look for subs that can wait for discipline until I'm up to it.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to frazzle)

Post #: 7

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 7:11:25 PM

MAMBOdeBEAU

Posts: 33
Joined: 7/21/2009
Status: offline

OP:

Mambo will never ever go forward with anyone if in a shit frame of mind..or sees the sub is the same..
This is a set up for long term reprocussions and ill effects.

IF the pain is a physical limit that is being pushed then you gage response carefully.
If it is mental pain brought about by ..say abuse issues..no!..I stop and go to after care..a lot of after care.
D and s have a responsibility here to be honest...open...SAFE AND SANE.

If a sub is going IN TO pain as a self destruct mode then I am hoping I know them well enough to stop it as well...and go to feedback and discussions.

I have stopped scenes due to diabetic episodes unnoticed by the sub. and....due to my own diabetes.
I have stopped due to feeling something was very wrong in the reactions and where they were at.
..that there was a need to mentally go past what I as a responsible D..FELT WAS GOOD.

IF both know why this is occuring..and ASSUMPTIONS are not being made then it could be ok...such as "
"Let's bond in bondage again without words it is our glue."

MAMBO

< Message edited by MAMBOdeBEAU -- 7/23/2009 7:12:56 PM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 8

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 7:11:59 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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If it is used as a distraction, a brief respite from stress and you feel better and more able to deal with life, then I say it is a good idea!
I would compare it to times I’m sad or feeling grouchy and someone makes me laugh. The situation hasn’t changed but I can balance the negative with a bit of positive.
The distinction comes in if it is used to avoid the issues at hand and causes more problems. Then maybe not such a good idea!
It is also dependant on the level, or intensity, of the primary emotional/physical pain. There have been times I was so depressed that pain play and or humiliation would only have reinforced my negative self-image. And if I have a migraine headache, I really, really don’t want/need any more pain because it would merely add insult to injury!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 9

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 7:20:27 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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It depends. If I'm stressed out, then asking him or him deciding I need a hard spanking can well be catharctic. If I'm sick then it isn't a good idea. If I've just lost a loved one, it would be a highly selfish demand.

If he's stressed out but still feeling in control of himself, and feels play might help him relieve stress and improve his mood, why not. I add 'in control' because if he's so upset that he needs to punch me like a punching bag, that wouldn't work for me and the risk of him just punching repeatedly could well result in major damage. In that case, hang up a sofa cushion and whale on it. If he's sick, he doesn't want play either.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 10

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 7:42:22 PM

vixenmoon

Posts: 35
Joined: 3/19/2009
Status: offline

I make a very distinct differentiation between "pain" and "bad place".

A bad place is a bad mental state. Realistically, almost always it's beneficial for me. I can definitely see how for some it could be self destructive. If it's a mental state, the absolute biggest factor in beneficial or harmful would be the connection with the person and the style. Are they firm, caring, demeaning, silent, forceful, gentle? How much gentle touch is involved? How is my mind being broken down or built up?

As for physical pain, it depends on the type of beatings the play involves, and exactly what's wrong. I've never had a beating with a migraine. there's no question that a good flogging does wonders for my fybro pain, while canings are right out during a bad flare up. It is, for the most part, logic. I know my body. I know how the fybro impacts different areas in different ways. I know how the level and type of stress I'm under is impacting my pain. Not to mention the all important sleep factor. As a responsible bottom, I have to let the top know where I'm at. As I don't have a Master, I can and will lay down off limits bits depending on where I'm at that day as well if it's necessary.

It all comes down to caution and being responsible, aware and communicative.

< Message edited by vixenmoon -- 7/23/2009 7:44:17 PM >

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 11

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 7:44:12 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

If DaddyBoo or I am in a place that doesn't lend itself to a good time or may lead to a bad result, we don't play. I have asked Him several times for some very intense play and if He thinks that I am asking out of something a bit self-destructive or whatever, He does not grant that request. If He isn't in a good place in His head or heart, we also do not play. It has to be good for both of us or no one gets anything positive out of it.

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 12

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 7:48:49 PM

lostyoungling

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/15/2008
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I'm a self harmer...I don't anymore but it's not been that long. I don't have anyone I'm with regularly but I think someone inflicting pain on me when I'm upset or in a bad place mentally would just be self-harm by proxy. Although, it doesn't fit the exact terms the meanings the same and I'm trying really hard to find other ways (communication, meditation, etc) to handle my emotional issues.

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 13

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 8:31:23 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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I just can't get my mind around whether I see it as a useful tool in the short term or something that will turn into a harmful habit in the long run. Further, I am not talking of something where there's going to be a great deal of rational thought anymore. I am talking about situations that have reached a boiling point. It is easier for me to think it might be workable if one party is not mired in the mindset. When it's both parties, I fail to see from where the moderation and sensibility is supposed to come. I would be concerned that the dominant would be very focused on dishing out and the submissive so deep in taking it that normal cues would be missed. I guess it comes down to the people and maybe even the age of the relationship.

lovingpet

< Message edited by lovingpet -- 7/23/2009 8:32:19 PM >

(in reply to lostyoungling)

Post #: 14

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 9:07:04 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

Very rarely will I play if she is truly in a bad spot.
More often than not, when I tried in the past the submissive has locked up or something similar and it's no fun for anyone at that point.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 15

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 9:21:28 PM

ShaharThorne

Posts: 11071
Joined: 2/24/2009
From: Somewhere in TX
Status: offline

Lovingpet, I know exactly what you mean. My hips have been acting up lately and through I am not playing with anyone, at this time I feel it would be unsafe to do so. Perhaps a meaningful deep massage to loosen up the tight muscles is in order. Definitely a good soaking hot bath.

Excuse me while I stab the modeling clay. I am in a rapid cycling mood tonight: depressed one minute, frustated the next.

_____________________________

Goddess of Yarn

You are making two and a half feet of irresistible, tubular sex! -Lola, Kinky Boots

Founder: Bitch with Tits

Whip me, beat me, make me feel cheap and have great sex

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 16

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 10:04:53 PM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

I like to scene when I'm upset....but I will only do that as a submissive. NEVER will I scene as a top when I am upset. I just wont go there.

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to ShaharThorne)

Post #: 17

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 10:44:22 PM

caelestis

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Joined: 9/6/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

What about when one party is very clearly and intensely in pain (physical, emotional, whatever)?

As far as physical pain goes, I've actually found that when I have bad pains, mixing in a bit of good pain and slowly upping it actually causes it all to melt into yummyness.

Playing while in emotional pain? I can't honestly say from experiance, but knowing myself there would probably be crying. Granted that also could be a good or bad thing, depending on the situation and mindset... hm.... Now I've got more to ponder!

_____________________________

"We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. Beautiful in the concept, if we're lucky, but frequently tedious or regrettable as we flesh ourselves out."
— Gregory Maguire

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 18

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 11:23:20 PM

onlyfreelycaged

Posts: 254
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

I know for me, I have issues with "soft" touch. It happens even worse when I'm upset sometimes. So, when this happnes a good flogging or pain play is heaven. Normaly when it's over, I'm in a much, much better place, and am ok with the "soft" touches again.

(in reply to caelestis)

Post #: 19

RE: Playing From a Bad Place - 7/23/2009 11:43:03 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Yes, I absolutely get this and to Me, it is two different things.

Let Me say right off of the bat that I'm guilty of having attempted this. In My case, it was attempting a scene when I was overly emotional, over tired, and just in a bad mind frame over all. The situation was clip's last scene with Me after he graduated nursing school and doing it with the knowledge that he would be gone for some time. We had been playing hard the 24 hours prior, but this was the serious good-bye to play opportunity.

Long story short, this was a complete disaster and I absolutely learned My lesson. I was a wreck and could not conduct the scene. I had to call the whole thing off because I was not in the right mental and emotional state. I actually felt worse for having attempted it, when logically, I knew I probably shouldn't have.

So, a word to the wise. Tops can screw these things up, too. We certainly make mistakes that we learn from.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to onlyfreelycaged)

Post #: 20

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