He's a Bad Bad Man

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lovingpet -> He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 7:34:39 PM)
It is said some of the best lies are tinged with the truth. It lends just enough believability to fuel the imagination. There is an artistry to trickery at it's finest. My question is about "poaching". The usual tactic, and the one I am currently experiencing, is to convinced one partner that the other is terrible for them. They are cheating (whatever that means, and how would the poacher know what was permitted in MY relationship?), they are clearly seeking someone to replace me, they keep me a secret, blah blah blah. Of course said poacher only said all this because they are so terribly worried about my well being and happiness. While I am stifling laughing hysterically, I am also getting quite upset at this. I have told my partner everything being said, not because I believe any of it, but so that he can handle it as he sees fit. What is your response when someone is attempting to "poach" your partner(s)? How do you mitigate the truth in their lies? Do you justify any of it with a response? On the other side, how do you respond when someone is attempting to "poach" you? What can your partner do to help you when it occurs? What do you say to the poacher, or do you say anything at all? I will apologize now that this post is likely badly written. I still wanted to ask, but my head isn't too terribly together. lovingpet

Aylee -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 7:39:20 PM)
Well, when females have said something to me about wanting the other-half, I have always just said, "You are welcome to try." Frankly if he feels that his happiness lies in being with someone else, then he should do that. I wish him well. I would not want to stand in the way of someone fulfilling their happiness. On the other hand, I am very secure in my relationship and highly doubt that they would succeed.

lovingpet -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 7:47:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aylee I am very secure in my relationship and highly doubt that they would succeed. Exactly my situation. It seems like the more difficult it would be to break apart the couple, the more satisfying it is to try. I'm not going anywhere though. I am happy where I am. lovingpet

littlewonder -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 7:47:21 PM)
I tend to walk away, ignore them. I don't listen to gossip or rumors or others who are trying to destroy others. I just simply don't get involved with drama.

crouchingtigress -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 7:47:29 PM)
I did this once to a friend of mine, many years ago, not my finest moment.[&o] But to answer your question, folks see what we have and sometimes want some of it, we are happy to share....but we are poly so it takes poaching off the table....

Lockit -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 7:50:00 PM)
Woohoooo! I like the picture lovingpet! As for poacher's... I file them the same place I file anyone else I want nothing to do with. They may or may not get a redheaded lashing or laughter. I'd tell the m'fer that even if what he says is true... it won't do him one bit of good because of the honor code of the one he/she is trying to poach. Scramble the bastard and move on.

lovingpet -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 7:52:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder I tend to walk away, ignore them. I don't listen to gossip or rumors or others who are trying to destroy others. I just simply don't get involved with drama. Generally, that is my approach too. This is not the first time something like this has happened, but it has been one of the more hardlined attempts. The person could be a great friend and asset to us both, except for this constant undermining. I have left it in my partner's hands to deal with this and just stay good and clear of any further commentary from this person. And time for the dumb question, why do they just have to do this? It is horrible! lovingpet

littlewonder -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 7:54:22 PM)
imo, friends don't do that kind of stuff. I would write that person off as a friend or even acquaintance. Like I said I simply don't involve such people at all in my life. They're really really not worth my time or aggravation.

lovingpet -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 7:55:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress I did this once to a friend of mine, many years ago, not my finest moment.[&o] But to answer your question, folks see what we have and sometimes want some of it, we are happy to share....but we are poly so it takes poaching off the table.... The funny part is that this is a poly individual doing this to a poly couple. The poacher just wants to be my primary. Frustrating! We all make our mistakes and I can tell you have taken lessons away from that experience. lovingpet

sweetsub1957 -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 7:55:29 PM)
I know just what you mean! On the one hand, I have a vanilla friend who's a boyfriend poacher & she was eyeballing Sir, and I told her if she even so much as thought about it she'd have me to deal with. NOT a good situation for HER. lmao On the other, at least three times that I can remember,I have had other Doms try to poach me from Sir and disrespect Him & His collar in the process. One did try to tell me how bad Sir was for me and I told him to blow it out his, well ahem, you get the idea. Another, who I thought was a friend, keeps trying to force me to submit & I won't. I tell Sir everything they say and who they are, so He can handle them as He sees fit. I also tell the poachers that they are disrespectful and I want nothing to do with a disrespectful Dom who will not respect Sir's & my boundaries & that I have absolutely not one bit of respect for them....AND that I could NEVER submit to someone I cannot respect, so they may as well just forget even trying. Some people........ ~shaking my head in amazement at their disrespect~

lovingpet -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 7:59:16 PM)
Thankies sweetie! That was me ready to go beat some bottoms Saturday night! LOL It seems like the more you stand behind your partner, though, the more vehement the attacks get. I think you and littlewonder have it right, just put a check in the box for forget it and move on. I hate it when I fall into the drama trap. It always seems to happen with the best of intentions (trying to spare someone's feelings, etc). I am just going to have to become a little bit more mean! LOL grrrrrrrr..... How was that? Did I scare anyone? giggles lovingpet

lovingpet -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 8:03:16 PM)
That's been my course of action when a simple "That's out of line" from me doesn't put a stop to it. Then they have to deal with HIM. I assure them it will not be pretty. lovingpet

crouchingtigress -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 8:04:31 PM)
That is soooo strange! He sounds like man that cant be happy where he is, he is always looking over the fence. Although you know me, I might sit him down and get really honest and ask him about his need to own and posses you, how does that idea serve him and not serve him.....and what is it in him that makes him feel as though he is not enough... It might lead to all sorts of breakthroughs. I like personal growth, its one of my kinks.[:D] And yes I did grow from my bad behaviour, thank goodness.

NuevaVida -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 8:08:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder imo, friends don't do that kind of stuff. I would write that person off as a friend or even acquaintance. Like I said I simply don't involve such people at all in my life. They're really really not worth my time or aggravation. What she said.

Lockit -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 8:09:55 PM)
By protesting you give him something to come back with. Don't protest or argue or even dispute it. Take the fire out of his arguement. Let him know that even if he is correct, you are not going to quickly move to him from this relationship. So no matter what you do dude... it's getting you no where. But if you continue to talk to him... if he is allowed access... you can bet he isn't going to stop and will become more challenged with the situation and more determined to win. That's when things or they can get pretty nutty. Take out the equation of how good it could be if he would only stop... he isn't going to.

Aylee -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 8:10:29 PM)
Okay. . . after re-reading the OP and the responses. . . let me see if I have this closer to what is happening and you are asking. . . A friend of yours is saying things to YOU to break-up you and your other half? If this has happened to me. . . as in it did and I did not realize it. . . my responses have been: A puzzeled look and questiong of, "What?" Stating, "You must have misunderstood." Saying, "That's nice." Asking, "Have you been smoking crack?" I suppose that it serves to indirectly state that they are confused about my interest to their indirect query. Oh. . . "This is uncomfortable, I do like you as a friend, want to do pizza?" Works well also.

sweetsub1957 -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 8:10:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lovingpet That's been my course of action when a simple "That's out of line" from me doesn't put a stop to it. Then they have to deal with HIM. I assure them it will not be pretty. lovingpet Well, yes, I should've said that first I tell them "Sir would not take too kindly to Your trying to poach me, disrespecting Him like that. It's highly inappropriate." Then if they continue, and they usually do, I go from there. :)

lovingpet -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 8:18:11 PM)
Hehe! Personal growth as a kink! I LOVE it! Okay, so, we both cut the poacher off and don't look back, but do we examine what the guy had to say and close up any gaps that the whole thing revealed? I am thinking in the long term it would make things just that much more stable, but then again.... oh gracious who knows!!!!! sighs lovingpet

caelestis -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 8:19:46 PM)
I've always wondered how this would begin any decent basis of trust for a relationship if this actually did work with someone. If the poacher managed to suceed, wouldn't they worry about it happening to them?

Lockit -> RE: He's a Bad Bad Man (7/20/2009 8:22:18 PM)
Think about it lovingpet... although there may be some truth to a whole lie that makes it believable, there can also be some small fear or something that someone can notice and work on, enhancing it, embellishing it and making you somehow feed on what has been said. Get rid of the drama.. take a few days time out and examine yourself and what you feel without the drama and then decide if anything said has any merit or use.

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