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CreativeDominant -> RE: Regarding Submissive's Fantasies... (7/16/2009 12:59:25 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Jeptha
Here's something I've been wondering about and would like to try and sort out.
It is prompted by the "Is it wrong?" thread which is going on currently. In fact, it is very like that thread, but I wanted to try and be a little more explicit and add a bit more detail.
I am thinking of this question in the context of a relationship, as opposed to casual play, although I still will use the word "play" as I can't think of a better word at the moment.
I've heard subs say that they don't want to tell their dominants what they desire, or what their fantasies are, because they don't want play (substitute whatever word you wish for "play", as appropriate) that revolves around their desires or fantasies.
They want play to revolve around whatever the dominant's desire is.
And they feel they don't want to temper, influence or dilute that.
So, the sub's desire in this case, is just a very general one,, "to serve"...without anything more specific stated.
And I think there are dominants who would concur with this view. They would probably be a good match.
Perhaps, for them, paying substantial heed to a submissive's fantasy life would be a form of catering to them, a la the 'service top'.
This subject of the submissive's fantasy life and how it is regarded has interested me for a while.
I'm curious to know how doms and subs view it.
Doms; do you want to know your sub's fantasies?
Subs; do you want to share them?
For one thing, maybe I'll have to make a further distinction in the future, for clarity's sake, if what it is that I want turns out to have an unusual slant.
And, then, I'm just nosy in general.
Good question and, if it matters, I don't see it as being all that similar. The question that was asked was whether or not it was wrong for the submissive to ask her dominant for something she wants/needs/desires. Here, I see the question as being for the two partners in the dynamic and concerning whether or not the question even gets heard, not whether it is wrong to ask it.
1st Question: Dominants, do you want to know your submissive's fantasies?
In a word, yes.
As Steel noted, it HAS been said a million times but it seems to bear repetition---no dominant is a mindreader. I had a discussion along similar though slightly different lines recently. More specifically, it was about whether or not the dominant should inquire as to what the submissive wants sexually. On one hand, if all he wants that information for is so that he can always do what she wants, then I could see the point of the submissive I was speaking with---a dominant behaving can lead himself and the submissive into a situation in which the submissive feels like the dominant is 1.) a service top 2.) lacking in his own creativity and desires or unable/unsure how to express them.
On the other hand, a submissive who just expects the dominant to do what he wants to do sexually...without making clear to him what she WON'T, or doesn't WANT to do sexually...is in fact giving "carte blanche" to the dominant to do just that. So, the dominant goes ahead and does want he wants to do sexually, feeling lucky that he gets to "be in charge" and have his wants and needs come foremost and, hopefully, address some of her fantasies. Then boom...he does something that she does NOT want to have happen. Now, if the submissive realizes that this is partially due to her own expectation of the dominant to somehow "know" and "lead" and "take charge" and is willing to step back with the dominant and discuss and get it back on the right track, great. But if she wants to get angry because he even tried it and pull back from him without discussion or even a statement to let him know what he did wrong, then that isn't right anymore than it is right for him to get angry if she tries to stop the "unwanted" sexual and/or BDSM act and discuss this unforeseen occurrence. Prior discussion of things helps and, since not all possible outcomes of play can be covered, understanding and patience when something unforeseen and unplanned but unwanted happens goes a long way.
To touch on fantasies specifically, I've discussed this with this same submissive...and others. Again, the mind-reader thing comes into play but another aspect comes into play also...and that is the idea of taking care of your property---if looking at this from a strictly D/s standpoint---and the idea of taking care of your partner---if also coming at this from the relationship standpoint. I come at it from both. To take care of my partner, I have to recognize that while serving my needs and catering to my wants and desires is always important to her, it is important for the health of her overall make-up (mental, emotional, physical) to have what she likes/wants/needs/desires addressed on occasion. And you know what? In my world, she needs to recognize the importance and the right of having her wants and needs and desires met.
Now then, the idea that just the act of stating the submissive's wants/needs/desires---for those of us from the other thread, no matter HOW she states it---somehow correlates to "she expects it to happen right away is a misconception. If she does, then in my dynamic there would be a problem. I would think though that most submissives understand that once she has stated this, it is then up to the dominant as to how and when those wants and desires are met. But I still believe that the dominant who takes forever to address what she has asked has 1.) stilted her desire to communicate other things as well for he has at least given an indication of the importance of what she wants/needs/desires from the sexual/BDSM arena to him and 2.) taken a big step towards being on his own again someday.
Another aspect comes into play and it doesn't necessarily have a sexual component. I want my submissive to trust me enough, to feel safe enough with me to delve into the darker areas of her soul and mind...the painful areas (if need be)...the mundane but important areas...with me. One way to build that trust is for her to be able to share her fantasies with me and see that I don't dismiss them in any fashion.
Finally...from a sexual perspective. While many submissives are indeed sexual creatures and "appropriately slutty" in their behavior, making them share their fantasies creates not only an arena of trust (as discussed above) but also creates an arena for a bit of good old-fashioned sexual humiliation (perhaps the reason she doesn't share quite so readily is not because she doesn't want to but rather, she is embarrassed to do so verbally) because of having to relate in words what she loves to show you she likes...perhaps would rather show you than have to tell you.
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