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RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/23/2009 2:26:49 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

DesFIP, true I don't tell others what to do in real life. Have no interest in it. I'd rather be number 2. I have power but not the responsibility. Plus I have someone to look up to. But I am not really told what to do either. I know what I'm supposed to do so no one ever calls me as says "Hey you need to do this. We need it by tomorrow." I'm on top of what I need to do. So being second in command does not bother me. It's my niche in life. But being totally submissive to number 1 and subject to is commands is just not me.

You've got a boatload of assumptions here, all of which need to be examined.

First, wherever did you get the idea that submissives are unable to wipe their asses without a direct command? Hell, it's stereotypical that submissives are powerful people in their career life and need the change at home to recharge batteries.

Second; that submissives are all totally dependent on the dominant and are all micromanaged. I wager a guess that damn few of us are. We have rules and guidelines, the same as you have a code of conduct at college. As long as you don't violate the code either academically or socially, you can make your own decisions if you're going to do math or English first or watch a movie and then pull an all nighter. All that matters is that you get it done. The Man doesn't care how I chop an onion or whether I cook before doing the research he wants out of me, as long as dinner's ready about 6:30 and he has the research when he needs it.

But if you aren't ever willing to accept a command such as "get me two aspirin, my knee's killing me" you aren't going to manage in any kind of relationship for long. And if you aren't ever willing to be told what to do, then why get into a relationship with someone who wants to be able to tell their partner what to do? It's a train wreck waiting to happen.

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Post #: 21

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/23/2009 3:14:44 PM

rednicky

Posts: 313
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

DesFIP, true I don't tell others what to do in real life. Have no interest in it. I'd rather be number 2. I have power but not the responsibility. Plus I have someone to look up to. But I am not really told what to do either. I know what I'm supposed to do so no one ever calls me as says "Hey you need to do this. We need it by tomorrow." I'm on top of what I need to do. So being second in command does not bother me. It's my niche in life. But being totally submissive to number 1 and subject to is commands is just not me.

You've got a boatload of assumptions here, all of which need to be examined.

First, wherever did you get the idea that submissives are unable to wipe their asses without a direct command? Hell, it's stereotypical that submissives are powerful people in their career life and need the change at home to recharge batteries.

Second; that submissives are all totally dependent on the dominant and are all micromanaged. I wager a guess that damn few of us are. We have rules and guidelines, the same as you have a code of conduct at college. As long as you don't violate the code either academically or socially, you can make your own decisions if you're going to do math or English first or watch a movie and then pull an all nighter. All that matters is that you get it done. The Man doesn't care how I chop an onion or whether I cook before doing the research he wants out of me, as long as dinner's ready about 6:30 and he has the research when he needs it.

But if you aren't ever willing to accept a command such as "get me two aspirin, my knee's killing me" you aren't going to manage in any kind of relationship for long. And if you aren't ever willing to be told what to do, then why get into a relationship with someone who wants to be able to tell their partner what to do? It's a train wreck waiting to happen.

Well des that's why I'm here. To answer that very question.

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Well if you would just stay away from my bridge...

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Post #: 22

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/23/2009 3:20:29 PM

CarrieO

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rednicky...

Thanks for the clarification. However, I think you might still be confused...polyamory doesn't always mean sex with more than one partner. The defination I gave you, "Participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships.", included 'loving OR sexual'...love has many forms. Having a M/s or D/s relationship doesn't require polyamory and visa versa. Polyamory simply means 'many loves'.

I mention this example of misinterpertation for a reason. Leading back to your OP and some of the following responses, I ask you again...how do you define submission? What does that term mean to you? Is submission a feeling or a state of being for you? I would also like to ask, where have you gotten your information with regards to statements like "I have power but not the responsibility"? I get the impression that submission, for you, means no responsibility. Why?

You mention thinking you may be "vanilla"....what does that mean to you? Have you had interaction with any D/s or M/s couples in RL ? What drew you to this lifestyle in the first place? I know...lots of questions. Questions you need to focus on and try to answer before you make decisions on who/what you are. One thing I was taught very early on by a good friend of mine, a wonderful dom, was to "know thyself" before attempting to explain who I am to others. Trust me when I say, this doesn't happen overnight...or in 3 years of searching. Take some time to learn who you are before rushing into a relationship that may be contradictory to what you actually need.

I do wish you the best.

edited to add....Try to get out into the community, attend a munch, meet others, get a feel for what a D/s relationship is by seeing it in action. Reality is an amazing thing to see and appreciate when most of what's offered is fantasy.

< Message edited by CarrieO -- 6/23/2009 3:24:26 PM >

_____________________________

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Post #: 23

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/23/2009 3:26:40 PM

OsideGirl

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I'm very dominant. At work and in social situations, I tend to take the lead and be an alpha. Many "D" types find me non-submissive. I attract submissive men, but I'm unhappy being the driving force in a relationship. What it takes for my submissive side to come out is finding someone who is more dominant than I am. It seriously narrowed my dating pool, but it was so worth it.

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Post #: 24

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/23/2009 3:30:15 PM

RedMagic1

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I don't think there's any way to know the answers to those questions without actually dating. Try a couple guys on for size, so to speak. I'm not talking about the physical. You could just hang with them and not do much. But the only way to figure out your identity in relation to other people is to actually try to build something with other people.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
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(in reply to CarrieO)

Post #: 25

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/23/2009 3:49:44 PM

rednicky

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Joined: 1/14/2009
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That's how I feel Osidegirl. I actually bring out submission in men. On here anyways. They see that I have a dominant personality and, all of the sudden it's, "Man you make me feel so submissive. Ever thought about dominating? I may be a Dom but I do like women to take charge. Especially one like you." Ugh.

CarrierO, my definitions for all of that would be a book. Just so that I include everything so that I don't get a whole bunch of people coming up to me saying "Waaaaaaiiit a minute." But I'll take the chance. Honestly, I see a submissive as someone who isn't Dominant. And a Dominant is a person who takes charge, responsibility, gives out reasonable orders, takes the lead, sets the example, and commands within reason, all while showing comfort, compassion, and respect. If one isn't all of those things, one isn't a Dominant in my eyes. I am excellent when it comes to telling others what to do. I'm excellent at telling others what I will not do. I am great when it comes to doing what I'm supposed to be doing and showing respect. When it comes to taking responsibility, I take responsibility for myself and what 'I' do. So if I'm in a group and something goes wrong that wasn't my fault, I'm the first person to say "don't look at me, I did what I was supposed to do." I'm the kind of person who does what they can to prevent problems of any kind from happening but makes sure that it is understood that it is not my fault if something 'does' go wrong. I look out for me. Never will I take the blame or anything that isn't my doing. I realize that these are flaws in myself that will probably never fully go away. So I guess that's why I have this 'need' to be with someone with the 'dominant' qualities I lack. Who I am is not the image I set for a dominant. And I also hold no compassion for those who 'do' do something wrong.

And I label a vanilla the same as I label a submissive. A Submissive is not a Dom. A Vanilla is simply not a Dom or a sub either. I can't go into it much because, like many have said, I don't completely understand everything about everything yet. What I thought I knew doesn't even come close to what is true. And if I gave exact definitions of everything you asked, I'd look back a week from now and say "What the hell was I thinking? That's not right." And I know there are some who can't wait to murder me for saying something wrong (no! not that! not on a forum!!!

).

_____________________________

Well if you would just stay away from my bridge...

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Post #: 26

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/23/2009 5:00:01 PM

CarrieO

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Joined: 1/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I don't think there's any way to know the answers to those questions without actually dating. Try a couple guys on for size, so to speak. I'm not talking about the physical. You could just hang with them and not do much. But the only way to figure out your identity in relation to other people is to actually try to build something with other people.

Great idea...actually what I was thinking, but not typing, when I suggested she not rush into something. Dating and hanging out with someone, with no expectations of 'he will act like this and I'll act that' and instead just allow things to progress organicly is an excellent way to figure out what works and how she'll choose to identify herself.

This post..."I am Dominant and simply want a more Dominant man (if there is such a thing). I was hoping there'd be direct solution to this problem instead of a "keep looking and eventually you'll find the right guy" solution. 3 years of absolutely no progress is long enough." is what made me question her approach.

OP....take a look at what BOUNTYHUNTER posted in his last sentence, "With time and experience you will find your place". More good advice.

Also, in response to this...And if I gave exact definitions of everything you asked, I'd look back a week from now and say "What the hell was I thinking? That's not right." ....I'd say, probably right and so what. It's all part of learning and growing. Just a thought, have you considered a mentor?

Edited to add...I do understand what you're saying about wanting a dominant partner. As a switch (oops, another label), I'm realizing that for me to ever consider submitting again it might take a miracle...or a man who can draw or inspire that submission from me.

< Message edited by CarrieO -- 6/23/2009 5:05:59 PM >

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Post #: 27

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/23/2009 5:15:19 PM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
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it is kinda of like two doctors on the same victim lol it rarely last and it takes a lot of work i have seen this as a new trend of last ten years dom dom couples or she is sub to him dom to others seen that also shrugs what ever crazy moto thingy you want to do shrugs i just rather be me not adapte to world idealogies it is kinda of boring

(in reply to CarrieO)

Post #: 28

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/23/2009 5:20:45 PM

rednicky

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Joined: 1/14/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I don't think there's any way to know the answers to those questions without actually dating. Try a couple guys on for size, so to speak. I'm not talking about the physical. You could just hang with them and not do much. But the only way to figure out your identity in relation to other people is to actually try to build something with other people.

Oh I've dated. but the dates always ended in us being friends with each other. I don't flirt just to flirt. Nothing ever build from that. I can't really build much beyond friendship with someone with characteristics I am not attracted to. The men in my life weren't the dominant men I seek. They were more of the flirty college boys who barely knew how to behave on a date. And the ones who 'thought' they knew how to behave on a date ended up being more infuriating than the amateurs. So don't get me wrong. I've dated vanilla men. I just haven't had any luck.

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Post #: 29

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/23/2009 5:31:01 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

...that submissives are all totally dependent on the dominant and are all micromanaged. I wager a guess that damn few of us are...

in-fucking-deed.

and the lucky lot you are...it amazes this slave that you lot complain about anything.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 30

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/23/2009 9:31:25 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky
That sounds too much like a vanilla relationship Tigre. I am Dominant and simply want a more Dominant man (if there is such a thing). I was hoping there'd be direct solution to this problem instead of a "keep looking and eventually you'll find the right guy" solution. 3 years of absolutely no progress is long enough.

While 3 years in YOUR time may be enough is enough, the universe obviously thinks otherwise.
I had the joy of an arrangement like you imagine for almost 2 years. The idea or mention of ANYTHING BDS or M would have had him heading for the conservative hills like his pants were on fire yet he was all alpha male and literally melted my butter. He walked into a room and you just felt compelled to bow and call him sir... more than one occasion that's exactly how people treated him.

I was a better person with him around, stronger, more confident and "felt more dominant" when I was his mate. He's still in the books as one of the great loves of my life even though there was no sex, no kink and yet that bond was so fierce it made us both stronger.
It's out there, it's possible. My current partner is also wired dominant and it's a challenge. There are ways I "care for him" (submit) as much as he does the same when he pre-fills the tub and sets out the massage oils when I'm in route to him after a long hard day at work.
Patience is one of those virtues that's difficult. We want, what we want, when we want it...it's a catch 22 of dominance.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

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Post #: 31

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/23/2009 9:37:34 PM

theRose4U

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Joined: 8/22/2005
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quote:

When I say polygamy I mean more than 2 persons involved in sex. Not you have two wives or she has two husbands.

You'll likely find that many will just call that a really good time and to hell with the label!!!

Polygamy is generally defined as MARRIAGE to more than one spouse (usually multiple females)

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

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Post #: 32

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/24/2009 6:13:01 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

And if you aren't ever willing to be told what to do, then why get into a relationship with someone who wants to be able to tell their partner what to do? It's a train wreck waiting to happen.

Well des that's why I'm here. To answer that very question.

This is not the appropriate place to address your issues about why you seek only self destructive relationships. A therapist's office is.

_____________________________

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Post #: 33

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/24/2009 9:58:42 AM

maia09

Posts: 113
Joined: 6/10/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

That sounds too much like a vanilla relationship Tigre. I am Dominant and simply want a more Dominant man (if there is such a thing). I was hoping there'd be direct solution to this problem instead of a "keep looking and eventually you'll find the right guy" solution. 3 years of absolutely no progress is long enough.

Hope this is helpful. In my experience not many Dominant men want to "do battle" for the position, so to speak. For me, submission isn't something my Master creates in me. He feeds it and nurtures it, but He doesn't make it happen. i used to think He was supposed to. Now i realize it's something that i do lay at His feet. That submissive feeling you crave is already there. i don't tend to think it will so much come out of finding the so-called "right" Dominant for you, as you being willing to trust another with your vulnerability. That takes time and trust. Some Dominants enjoy a feisty, sassy sub, but that's not the same as one who challenges Them for the D position. Regards - maia

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Post #: 34

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/24/2009 10:11:37 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

rednicky, what you are referring to is found within the Gorean and Victorian Lifestyle where both partners are Dominant and the Man is the leader of the home. Both my wife and I are Dominants but I have for final say in all matters. That is part of what we are and our lifestyle.

This made me smile IronBear because this is exactly what we have, though I have never been able to put it as simply and clearly as you just did.
Being with Stephen makes me no less Dominant but what it has brought is 'Leadership' for me. In other words he's the boss and there is no doubt about that.
I didn't know I was looking for it but when it came up and bit me on the nose I grabbed it with both hands and said 'Thats what I want'

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Post #: 35

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/24/2009 2:39:00 PM

RLMK

Posts: 48
Joined: 6/6/2009
From: SC
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Well, you're hardly the first social alpha who wants to turn over to someone else for awhile. I've dated a fair number of vanilla corp. climbers, and usually the more feminist their politics, the more they wanted to "submit" in the bedroom -- are you just looking for someone to tie you up in bed, etc, but otherwise get out of the way? If you're looking for someone to "force" submission, I don't know if that's possible, at least not w.o. the man doing very cruel things, and risking serious jail time -- essentially if he was violent enough to induce certain syndromes.

Are you looking to be an alpha sub?

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Post #: 36

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/24/2009 6:54:23 PM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

That sounds too much like a vanilla relationship Tigre. I am Dominant and simply want a more Dominant man (if there is such a thing). I was hoping there'd be direct solution to this problem instead of a "keep looking and eventually you'll find the right guy" solution. 3 years of absolutely no progress is long enough.

rednicky
For a partner or lover, I would take a dominant man over a submissive one on most days, as long as he did not expect Me to be submissive. But it is easy for me to say that because I'm poly and would expect them to have a submissive for when they needed someone with that disposition, same as I would need my own submissive because I would not expect my dominant partner to submit to me.

When I say "bite me", I don't want my lover cowering in the corner afraid that he's hurt me when all he's done is gum me a bit. *laughs*

Lady Jag

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Post #: 37

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/24/2009 7:14:52 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

"keep looking and eventually you'll find the right guy" solution.

I would vote for "ditch the definitions, stop the looking" and let life just happen. I was struck by your profile, where you state that "your butt is not as big as it looks". I thought it was a nice curvy picture, until you attracted my attention to it - for no reason, other than that you criticized the picture you yourself took, but then posted it. What's my point? "Big" is a definition - your definition. Definitions without function are counterproductive. You're awash in them. Dominant. Not Submissive. More Dominant. Less Dominant. Big. Your butt is as big as it looks, and if you don't like the size of it, don't take pictures of it. No picture, no need to define.

(in reply to rednicky)

Post #: 38

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/24/2009 7:25:12 PM

MarcEsadrian

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quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

I'm not sure how this equation is supposed to work but what would you call a woman who is seemingly dominant at work, in social groups, in bed, but who still wants a more Dominant man to come along? Is she still considered a sub since she wants a Dominant man?

She may in fact be looking for a mate. After all, she may want her progeny to be made of similar stuff as she; therefore, why not look for a male version of herself? Aside of physical traits, disposition is a quality that can be passed genetically to some degree. I'm aware this theory is entirely Darwinian, but seeming as how the male of the species has been said to act as a "genetic filter" of sorts, perhaps there is a low-level bioevolutionary / reproductive drive inherent in the desire for an alpha male, having nothing to do with submitting to him much at all.

(in reply to rednicky)

Post #: 39

RE: Dominant woman seeking more Dominant man= sub? - 6/24/2009 11:14:11 PM

penitentialarts

Posts: 43
Joined: 1/2/2009
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There are many types of domination, and many types of submission. No one is the "True" or "Real" way to do things.

Some people in your situation would identify themselves as dominants, some as submissives, and some as switches. Some people don't fit neatly into any of those labels.

I would suggest that you just be as descriptive as you can when it comes to what you want, enjoy, and need. Your profile doesn't go into the detail you did in this post. Making it much more descriptive may help the situation.

It is important to avoid sounding defensive when doing so, however. I have seen a lot of profiles that are essentially descriptions of what women DON'T want, rather than what they DO want. You see similar things on vanilla dating sites with profiles that start out with "where are the REAL men" or "why can't I find a GOOD man?" You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

- Jesse

(in reply to rednicky)

Post #: 40

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