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have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/12/2009 12:21:23 AM   
intoxicatinggirl


Posts: 12
Joined: 6/6/2009
Status: offline 		later in the relationship they decide they dont want to be in that role anymore?  If so what did you do?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/12/2009 12:30:32 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Set them free.
Why would I be with someone who isn't what I want/need?

(in reply to intoxicatinggirl)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/12/2009 12:53:36 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		what Kana said.

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(in reply to Kana)
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RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/12/2009 1:56:30 AM   
MistressSunny


Posts: 29
Joined: 1/3/2009
Status: offline 		ditto

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/12/2009 2:10:34 AM   
Ialdabaoth


Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: intoxicatinggirl

later in the relationship they decide they dont want to be in that role anymore?  If so what did you do?


Immediately re-negotiated, to establish what roles we could both still be happy with.

A warning: this can sometimes backfire, as some subs will learn that they can keep re-negotiating until they get the terms they want, and the process of invoking re-negotiation becomes itself just another bargaining chip. At which point, have the strength to say "I don't think you're operating in good faith", and then walk away.


(in reply to intoxicatinggirl)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/12/2009 4:07:31 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Settle for friendship.

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(in reply to intoxicatinggirl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/12/2009 4:08:49 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

Set them free.
Why would I be with someone who isn't what I want/need?
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

Settle for friendship.


both are good suggestions


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RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/12/2009 6:14:18 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm in agreement with Ialdabaoth here. First, see if there are other mutually acceptable terms that might work out. Failing that, separate.

I'm not big one on the "baby out with the bathwater" strategy of life. It's important to remember that whatever new terms are worked out might, in fact, be better for everyone than the old terms. People sometimes assume that if there's an adjustment, it must be to the detriment of one of the partners. I personally like win-win scenariors.

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(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/12/2009 6:34:53 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

what did you do


Crossed my legs

No, seriously, I have over time actually had a number of subs, girls who came to me in their early twenties, revert to vanilla as they reached mid-to-late twenties. For many, I derive from that, it is a phase.

In most cases, I have supported their change, and have mentored a few as they progressed in life, even through new vanilla relationships - not because of my need to interfere with their lives, they stayed in touch with me. That has been very satisfying - one particular success story is the 21 y.o. sub who asked me to advise her husband in a career choice, where I ended up mentoring him for years, and assisting them in getting a job related relocation from Europe to the Pacific Northwest, they became close friends.

I like to do a little more than just "let them go" and be there for them if they need that leg up. One recently emailed me in the doldrums after her new boyfriend dumped her, and I flew to Beijing to buy her birthday dinner (and abused to opportunity to have a free tour guide who speaks the language ). Life is about friends..

(in reply to intoxicatinggirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/12/2009 6:44:41 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		A lot depends on the type of relationship that exists in the first place.  By that I mean whether or not it was a loving relationship or strictly D/s.  If it is strictly a D/s situation where you don't consider yourselves a "couple" as well, then I would say that ending things would probably be best.  If you are in a romantic relationship, then it is time to sit down and talk and figure out together how to proceed. 

Your question is really too general.  Things like how long the two have been together and such make a world of difference.  Many people here, like Leadership and breathasone are married, in which case, you don't simply just walk away.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/12/2009 6:45:43 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Deleted because my "borrowed" internet connection glitched and posted the same thing twice.

< Message edited by LafayetteLady -- 6/12/2009 6:46:42 AM >

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/13/2009 3:45:04 AM   
DragonNphoenix


Posts: 617
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		My first thought would be to set them free... but with thinking... I relized that I am just not that kind of person. I would have to look at the type of relationship that we had. It would be just like a girlfriend wanting her own 'space' but not wanting to break up. Does that make since?? But, if she was wanting to move in with someone else but still stay together.. I would tell her that we were done. I think communication is what is needed here.

Phe

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(in reply to intoxicatinggirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/13/2009 4:58:39 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Your question is really too general


You mean the OP's..

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/13/2009 6:16:25 AM   
LadyVillen


Posts: 10
Joined: 4/27/2006
Status: offline 		ive never had it mid relationship for the dymanics to change.  But have found that a lot of preported Doms and Masters have contacted me, not because of my submissive side, but to be Dommed by my Domme side.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/13/2009 6:23:34 AM   
lronitulstahp


Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline 		i had a Dom that decided later in the relationship he couldn't really be a Dom/Master, but was in essence,  a Top.  We focused more on the sexual stuff, the play, but let go of the D/s.  i found out (over a couple years) the D/s was essential for me.  It took a while, but the important part was keeping a strong line of communication, and being honest about our needs throughout all of it.

If the relationship has friendship, and trust at it's foundation,  it's amazing what can be salvaged

< Message edited by lronitulstahp -- 6/13/2009 6:24:01 AM >

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(in reply to intoxicatinggirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/13/2009 6:26:04 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

Your question is really too general


You mean the OP's..



Yes, I meant the OP's question.  Didn't mean to confuse anyone by not hitting the "reply" button to a specific person.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/13/2009 6:44:45 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		We ended the relationship. We no longer were two compatible people. He was no longer the same person who I thought he was from the beginning.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/13/2009 6:58:15 AM   
LovingMistress45


Posts: 271
Joined: 2/7/2009
Status: offline 		Yes a long time ago when I was first entering the lifestyle.  He was my first sub and I was maddly in love with him. It was he who decided he was not ready for a relationship. It broke my heart and it took a long time to get over.  I tried to remain friends but it turned out not to be healthy for me so in the end we are no longer in contact.  It has been many years now and I remember our time together fondly and I learned a lot about myself in that relationship so for that I am grateful to him.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/13/2009 3:03:04 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

Settle for friendship.

For me friendship trumps al. To be released or to ask for release and keep a friendship is something i have always striven for but rarely been able to achieve.
I have learned it's best to start with friendship.



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(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: have you ever had a dom or a sub and - 6/13/2009 3:17:28 PM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		If they don't wanna' be in the situation, find someone else who does ... 

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 20
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