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RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/12/2009 12:03:05 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Irishknight

I commend you on working to validate yourself.  I am not a person who cares much for the opinions of others and so I have little trouble validating myself.    My opinion of me is what matters. I  have to live with me.  Anyone else can grab a bus ticket to the offices of Gofukyourself and Howe, the lawyers who take care of my complaints.

Remember, you know you better than anyone else and you are the one who will have to live with you for the rest of your life.  As long as you strive to make yourself someone you can live with, everything else is gravy.


Thanks IrishKnight..I like the part I outlined. If you don't mind I will use it as well.

Is that your horse?



_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to Irishknight)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/12/2009 12:08:13 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

At this time in my life, I am learning how to validate myself.

Oceanwinds...you are a courageous woman and i really think you have an amazing journey ahead of you.


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(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/12/2009 12:09:24 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

offices of Gofukyourself and Howe, the lawyers who take care of my complaints.


this is a keeper


_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/12/2009 2:27:39 PM   
MmeGigs


Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds
I am seeking how others have learned to stop seeking validation from others.


I had an epiphany regarding this in my early 20's. I was agonizing over some stupid thing or another that I'd done some time before - having one of those retroactive humiliation moments - beating myself up and wondering what others who were there at the time must think of me.

It occurred to me that I'd seen other folks do things as stupid or worse, but that I had to really struggle to remember the who-what-where details and that it didn't really matter to me. I realized that other people's memories are as short as mine is. They care about and remember what they do, not what I do. They're all focused on their own stupid and fabulous shit and have long since stopped worrying about anything that I've done or said.

I decided back then that what really matters is how I feel about the things I do. I have to do what I think is right, and I'm the only person who can decide what that is. If I feel good about my actions/decisions/attitudes it doesn't matter a hill of beans what other folks think, it was still the right decision for me. If I feel bad about it, it doesn't matter how many people support my action/decision, it was still the wrong decision for me.

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/12/2009 3:44:05 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		Thanks sirsholly:)

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/12/2009 3:47:51 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		Hi MmeGigs
When I was younger, I didn't really seek validation. Seems in the last several years, I feel clumsy and and awkward. I am validating myself. I told the mental health they misdiagnosed me almost 30 years ago as bipolar, and took myself off all drugs, about 2 and half years ago. I doing well. I am validating myself that I can be who I choose to be and hey if it is eccentric, that is good. Just sometimes i get clumsy and that 'ugly duckling' syndrome caves in on me. So, I am searching for me with only going after my own approval. It is an interesting journey.

Thanks for offering your experience. We use to have two expressions years ago; 1. if they are talking about me they are leaving another alone, and that is a good thing. 2. in a 100 years who is going to care.

< Message edited by oceanwinds -- 6/12/2009 3:57:54 PM >

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to MmeGigs)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/12/2009 5:16:06 PM   
Irishknight


Posts: 2016
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		My lawyers are always willing to take on new clients.  Feel free to use thier name. 
As for the horse, I recently had to sell him to someone who will only use him for light riding.  A hoof injury has made it impossible for him to compete ever again.  I still get to see him because the people have hired me as the trainer for him and for their Arabian.  I wish I could have kept him but I am too heavy for him after the injury and I don't want to hurt him.  He's been my friend since the first day we met and I'd rather see him enjoying life than maimed because of me.

_____________________________

What man is a man who does not make his world better?


Soldiers died for your right to be ungrateful.

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/12/2009 5:59:15 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds

At this time in my life, I am learning how to validate myself. This means to not go outside of myself to seek another's approval of choices I am making. It seems to be a difficult challenge, though I am ready for the challenge. Most of my life there was always someone to give validation or not to areas that I was trying to accomplish. I have become aware that I have been using these forums at times to seek validation for who I am, the type of relationship I have and so on. It can become a crazy cycle, and in my opinion very unhealthy for me.

I am seeking how others have learned to stop seeking validation from others. Thank you for your responses.

oceanwinds



Hmmmmm...interesting topic....as a guy (and sub), this just doesn't occur to me.

I'm very curious why it does to you?

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/12/2009 11:40:30 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Oceanwinds, I applaud you for taking the reins and deciding that you will live for you.  I don't know if I can offer any advice, as I just seem to have been wired from birth to not seek validation from others.  I just seem to have always followed my own path regardless of what others said.  On the other hand, there are some things that I have enjoyed "validation" of.  Certainly, when getting all dressed up for an evening out, I liked having the validation of being told I looked nice, hot, beautiful, etc.  After all, who doesn't want that kind of validation?  When in college, I also drove myself nuts trying to get one professor to comment on my essays.  He was giving me good grades, but most of what I was writing was satirical and I wanted to know if he had any thoughts about what I wrote.  But again, I don't consider that as seeking "validation" so much.  I didn't really care if he liked it or not, but with just a grade and a couple of grammatical corrections, it felt like he hadn't even read it, so it was more a matter of like it or hate it, but say something.

During my life, I have had people tell me that I'm somewhat hedonistic because I don't really give a fig what others think, rather seeking my own happiness.  Of course, I didn't give a fig that they thought that either!

I guess if I were to try to offer any advice it would be this:  Don't worry so much about how others view you.  When you live your life for yourself and for what makes you happy, the people who will condemn you for it are not people you want in your life anyway, and the people who appreciate you for you are the ones to keep around.

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/12/2009 11:56:07 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		oceanwinds:
i think i can really relate to what You are experiencing, although i'm not sure if it manifests itself the same way for me that it appears to for you. For me, i was paralyzed by fear. The reality was i so badly wanted/needed/craved/desired for someone...anyone...to tell me i was okay..i mattered...i was not damaged and defective that i would give my soul to anyone or anything (let alone my body, my rights, my morals, etc.). In hindsight, i think i made a lot of decisions by lack of action rather than taking issues head on...Then one time a very good friend of mine told me something that changed my life..She said, "What other people say about you and think about you is none of your business". i will tell You that i handled this statement with less grace and dignity than i wish i had. But, what i've found is when i fully and truley embrace this statement, i tend to make freer decisions..decisions that are sound using my great judgement and find knowledge.
i hope that perhaps this will offer you a portion of the freedom and peace it has given me.
Kali

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 6/12/2009 11:57:24 PM >

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/13/2009 4:06:03 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds

At this time in my life, I am learning how to validate myself. This means to not go outside of myself to seek another's approval of choices I am making. It seems to be a difficult challenge, though I am ready for the challenge. Most of my life there was always someone to give validation or not to areas that I was trying to accomplish. I have become aware that I have been using these forums at times to seek validation for who I am, the type of relationship I have and so on. It can become a crazy cycle, and in my opinion very unhealthy for me.

I am seeking how others have learned to stop seeking validation from others. Thank you for your responses.

oceanwinds



Hmmmmm...interesting topic....as a guy (and sub), this just doesn't occur to me.

I'm very curious why it does to you?



Hi Lookie
Thank you for your reply. I feel it can be many things happening in my life. I am just 1 day shy of 2 wks of quitting smoking, so this can be playing on feeling defensive. It can be because I have had to learn how to re-validate myself after I got off all meds 2 and half years ago for a misdiagnoses of bipolar, and looking at myself in a realistic way and decisions I make. i can be many things right now. I am a strong personality, and being alone now I am finding only I can give myself validation. Hubby is dead so he cant. Sir is busy doing what he needs too, so I cant see his validation all the time. Perhaps this is the final road for me to reclaiming myself? As, I said there are many reasons, but i do find it a journey i desire to take.

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/13/2009 4:07:24 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		Thank you LafayetteLady
I do believe I am getting the hang of validating myself again. You know it does give me a good sense of inner power. I am glad i recognized what I was doing, and came to stop it:)

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/13/2009 4:10:34 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

oceanwinds:
i think i can really relate to what You are experiencing, although i'm not sure if it manifests itself the same way for me that it appears to for you. For me, i was paralyzed by fear. The reality was i so badly wanted/needed/craved/desired for someone...anyone...to tell me i was okay..i mattered...i was not damaged and defective that i would give my soul to anyone or anything (let alone my body, my rights, my morals, etc.). In hindsight, i think i made a lot of decisions by lack of action rather than taking issues head on...Then one time a very good friend of mine told me something that changed my life..She said, "What other people say about you and think about you is none of your business". i will tell You that i handled this statement with less grace and dignity than i wish i had. But, what i've found is when i fully and truley embrace this statement, i tend to make freer decisions..decisions that are sound using my great judgement and find knowledge.
i hope that perhaps this will offer you a portion of the freedom and peace it has given me.
Kali


Kali
Thank you for sharing. Yes, I do think when we choose to take control of our own life instead of letting fear guide us it is a major breakthrough.  I will also borrow your friend's comment on "what other people say about you and think about you is none of your business". What a powerful sentence. Thank you for sharing it.

Oceanwinds

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/13/2009 4:12:04 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		Irishknight, it is good to see someone whose love for an animal is bigger then their own wants. Bravo for you.

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to Irishknight)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/14/2009 1:37:28 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds

At this time in my life, I am learning how to validate myself. This means to not go outside of myself to seek another's approval of choices I am making. It seems to be a difficult challenge, though I am ready for the challenge. Most of my life there was always someone to give validation or not to areas that I was trying to accomplish. I have become aware that I have been using these forums at times to seek validation for who I am, the type of relationship I have and so on. It can become a crazy cycle, and in my opinion very unhealthy for me.

I am seeking how others have learned to stop seeking validation from others. Thank you for your responses.

oceanwinds



Oceanwinds my advice is to not adopt the: "don't give a flying one what anyone says or thinks about me". Ultimately no one is perfect we all make mistakes and the people around you are a good mechanism for helping you understand your mistakes: that's what we do as human beings we learn from one another and closing down that resource wouldn't be useful.

Take communication as an example - I use this because it's a recurring theme on this board - communication can be ineffective for so many reasons: rapport may have been broken or someone has adopted a threatening posture without realising it or one person has stopped listening and is too busy wanting to make him/herself heard or one person is getting too personal at an inappropriate time etc. Those with whom we're communicating help us to modify our behaviour without realising it - primarily through body language which tells us whether the conversation is going well or not so well and whether or not you've established a rapport with this person and you're in tune with one another. Don't discard that valuable resource which is the knowledge and behaviour of other people which tells us so much about our own behaviour.

If we're talking about a pat on the back......I can certainly say that I like to feel appreciated. My concern with some of what I read on these boards is that some people seem to be uncomfortable with being human and unwilling to allow themselves the mistakes and the emotions that are part and parcel of being a human being. Of course where you have self-esteem issues then that is another matter.

Strike a healthy balance Oceanwinds - allow yourself the reward of praise and listen and learn from the constructive criticism but ensure you know and appreciate your value which of course is the basis for a healthy mindset.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Learning to validate yourself - 6/14/2009 2:49:51 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline
quote:

Strike a healthy balance Oceanwinds - allow yourself the reward of praise and listen and learn from the constructive criticism but ensure you know and appreciate your value which of course is the basis for a healthy mindset.


Very true NorthernGent. I would not want to think I cannot make mistakes, have in the past and sure I will in the future. Constructive criticim I do welcome, providing it isn't coming from another's limited point of view. I do have a few people that I fall back on that I know will tell me truthfully what they see. Imo that is always a good thing to have. Not so much for validation, but for reality checks.

Thank you for replying NorthernGent.
oceanwinds

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 36
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