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Have i gone over the edge? - 6/8/2009 7:24:02 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		My life has been a constant roller coaster ride. Although, the last few years have (gratefully) been not of my own making... As with most of us, life happens...Car accidents happen...people encounter stress...bankruptcy happens... people lose their jobs....illnesses happen....feelings grow......feelings fade.........at the end of it all...Why do You stay?
i apologize because my thinking is not very clear recently. i've been sick a great deal recently. Last week i found out not only could i not have children, but i should not as well. That's in addition to being told i have two other things which no one really can explain to me, but they get 'that look' in their eyes as i talk to them about it.....
Saturday night was especially bad for me...We had gone back to Iowa to see my family and i had pushed myself too hard. i knew i should have just told the kids i needed to lay down......but i kept telling myself i just needed to suck it up and deal with it.  The minute they left i was in the bathroom puking, sweating, and hoping that the next step was death. As i sat in the living room with an ice pak on my head, i was overwhelmed by the amount of sadness i felt at Him having to go through life if i died. That seriously almost broke my heart.
i'm not this great altruistic person or anything, but it doesn't really matter what happens to me. In the end, no matter what, eventually i'm going to die.....Eventually we all are.... i have no fear about that. My fear is though that i will somehow cause Him pain. i will cause Him to grow angry or bitter or other qualities that are just not Him.....
i HATE uncertainty...i HATE being powerless...But, how do You just maintain in a relationship knowing that Your very future may inadvertenly cause the one person You love....the one person who has been there for You through out it all pain?
i believe in doing the next right/spiritual thing.... And i guess i'm kind of stuck. While on some level i think perhaps the right thing would be for me to allow Him to move on (yeah... i know...shut up! :P) or at least find someone else...someone who he could grow old, happy, and safe with.......The other part of me thinks that perhaps that is just as wrong.
grrrr...
Kali


< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 6/8/2009 7:50:36 PM >

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/8/2009 7:57:59 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Kali, your body just announced - loud and clear - that you need to take some time for you.  Listen to it.

Give yourself a day or so, and then level with him.  Trust me, it would sadden and anger him that you would keep this from him and hurt yourself with it.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Kalista07)
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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/8/2009 8:07:36 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline 		*loves Kali*

You know how I adore you, and that if you are going over the edge, I'm going with you a la "Thelma & Louise."

You and I talk seriously, and we joke, but you know that I only want your best and that you taking good care of yourself is the most important thing.

Hugs and prayers,
Red

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut


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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/8/2009 8:17:24 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Kali,

One of the things that I love about your postings is how honest you are about your feelings.

You said it yourself: we are all going to die someday.

If we stopped being involved with our loved ones because of that fact then each of us would be alone.

The knowledge of mortality can be a wonderful gift.
It reminds me to be aware and to try to appreciate every moment; to not waste an opportunity to share our love for each other.

Most of us if given a choice would not want to miss a moment of time with the people we love.

He loves you.
The feeling is mutual.

However it turns out, however long it lasts; that equals a 'happy middle'.
Endings write themselves.

This moment is what counts.

Meanwhile, I know things are confusing and ambiguous on the medical front.
Keep after the doctors until things make sense and work towards a solution...( = next right thing).








_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

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(in reply to Kalista07)
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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/8/2009 8:40:51 PM   
IceDemeter


Posts: 84
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

i'm not this great altruistic person or anything, but it doesn't really matter what happens to me. In the end, no matter what, eventually i'm going to die.....Eventually we all are.... i have no fear about that. My fear is though that i will somehow cause Him pain. i will cause Him to grow angry or bitter or other qualities that are just not Him.....
i HATE uncertainty...i HATE being powerless...But, how do You just maintain in a relationship knowing that Your very future may inadvertenly cause the one person You love....the one person who has been there for You through out it all pain?
i believe in doing the next right/spiritual thing.... And i guess i'm kind of stuck. While on some level i think perhaps the right thing would be for me to allow Him to move on (yeah... i know...shut up! :P) or at least find someone else...someone who he could grow old, happy, and safe with.......The other part of me thinks that perhaps that is just as wrong.
grrrr...
Kali



I firmly believe that the greatest gift that you can give someone who loves you is the opportunity to share with you the hardest times of your life - the chance to hold you, cry with you, ease your pain in whatever way that they can.

I was widowed 5 years ago, and my late husband gave me that gift. He went through all of the hell of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma; all of the tests and the pain and the treatments and the indignities; and through it all he trusted enough in me and my love that he shared it all. When he knew that he wasn't emotionally strong enough to deal with the doctors, he asked me to do that for him. When it looked like he was running out of options, he asked me to research and find some more. When he had no strength to deal with friends or family, he used mine. When the end of hope was reached, the only one he trusted enough to believe and accept was me.

My pain through it all was indescribable - and the ONLY way it could have been worse is if he had sent me away, had closed me out of his life, and hadn't shared the burden as much as he could.

He once said the same thing to me that you say here - that he didn't think it was right or fair that I stay with him through this when I could move on and be with someone else. That line in your post is what tore at my heart. It's a natural thought that you don't want to hurt the ones you love, but please remember that if they love you, then pushing them away is going to hurt them a hell of a lot more than sharing with you what you are going through. Pushing them away is the most selfish choice, because you are choosing for them to lose you much sooner than nature would have had it.

As to how you maintain a relationship through all of the uncertainty? The same way you always have - by taking things a minute or a day at a time, taking care of each other the best way you can, and not letting a future "maybe" take precedence over enjoying what you have right now. In amongst the pain and fear and exhaustion there always a few moments of joy, and beauty, and laughter, and hope ---- you grab those moments, savour them, and let them carry you through the rest of it.

Please take care of yourself, and trust those who love you with the gift of sharing even the worst moments with you.


(in reply to Kalista07)
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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/8/2009 9:02:11 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Stay in your relationship.
 
I do not know what your medical problem or the cause of your pain is, but occasionally such are diet related. If so, start by avoiding anything sweet and various food additives.

(in reply to Kalista07)
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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/8/2009 9:32:25 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		So your health is bad.   Join the crowd. 

I am trying to understand your post.   It comes across as tho you are in the process of dieing.   It probably is too soon to make any intense decisions.

During my injury- I am glad I was single.   No way could I handle the fights and tension.

Men pretty much do what they need to do.   Dont worry about him.  But nor knowingly scam him.

Somehow you have to take care of your health.   ....also don't presume that you bring nothing to the table. 

I am very out of whack. I have made no progress in my "life"   my body is not acting right.   But it is more then this.  I must get out and meet real live people.  Jim passed away.   The other day I went to the park.   But now I have a flat tire.  Not that I can replace him- but I have to have more in my life then the Internet.

No one has a perfect life.  Alot of people are never happy.   Our culture doesnt help.  We value stuff over humans.  

So maybe your calling in life has evolved into another mode.     In the meantime- remember to breath correctly.  Ask the right questions and use the Internet as a tool.

I hope your health improves.  I am not a big fan of DRs.   They say very little. 

....life will have its pitts.    Know one likes that.  

Why not give yourself a "me" hour?   For a whole hour- it is all about YOU.  no one else. nothing else.

(in reply to Rule)
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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/8/2009 11:45:21 PM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

As i sat in the living room with an ice pak on my head, i was overwhelmed by the amount of sadness i felt at Him having to go through life if i died. That seriously almost broke my heart.... on some level i think perhaps the right thing would be for me to allow Him to move on... find someone else... someone who he could grow old, happy, and safe with... The other part of me thinks that perhaps that is just as wrong.

I've been where he is. Trust me, it is no favor to be abandoned by someone you love, and deprived of their love and companionship, "for your own good." That's a load of crap.

K.




< Message edited by Kirata -- 6/8/2009 11:52:30 PM >

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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/9/2009 12:45:06 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBWp6Us3oEc    ...  the chain by fleetwood mac.    I like this performance.    Your post- about love- and not knowing if you want to break the chain.  

But if you are woefully depressed- this tune suits.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKbPUzhWeeI  riders of the storm- by the doors.    They both seem to fit - in a strange way.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-cxtm6JJv4   But this one song bird by fleetwood mac sounds more of where your are at when you wrote the post.   



< Message edited by pahunkboy -- 6/9/2009 12:46:59 AM >

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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/9/2009 1:00:49 AM   
BrokenSaint


Posts: 301
Joined: 10/30/2007
Status: offline 		You're a sweetheart chica, that much is clear. It's admirable you're considering the pain you may inadvertently put others through. That being said. Stop.

As others have said. It will not be doing him a favor to leave. The anger and bitterness one will (and yes, will, natural step of grieving after all) feel at the death of a loved one, is nothing compared to what one would feel at abandonment. Many are bitter and resentful when people they love are taken from them. One simply has to trust that the happiness one has had, the memories that one forged with the people they love, will eventually overcome that with time.

I know damn right and well that when I die, I want the people I love there. Should they go before me, you can bet I'm going to be at their bedside when they shuffle off into the great beyond, seizing every single second I possibly can with them. But I guess what I'm trying to say broken down is, hold on to the people that love you, and never let go.


_____________________________

In the name of progress,
In the name of madness
Drum beats faster
Crowd shouts louder
and chaos replaces order
VnV Nation - Nemesis

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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/9/2009 1:08:21 AM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline 		Good idea...

Try to walk out on love after listening to this one.

K.


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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/9/2009 1:18:39 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		We have to factor in gold dust woman,   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyJF-mB6q94

I feeel loved     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ixl5belnUOY

and last- this one   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj7TZpTysCM  vilo people- be a star in hollywoood.      cos- everyones is a star in hollywoood,.

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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/9/2009 1:25:49 AM   
BrokenSaint


Posts: 301
Joined: 10/30/2007
Status: offline 		This is a good game

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yez3hv9Adyo




_____________________________

In the name of progress,
In the name of madness
Drum beats faster
Crowd shouts louder
and chaos replaces order
VnV Nation - Nemesis

(in reply to pahunkboy)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/9/2009 1:51:59 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		The only advice I can offer is to be the best you can be within the circumstances and also to understand that being the best you can be is invariably good enough for the other person.

I'm of the firm belief that every relationship, no matter what type of relationship it is and who is in that relationship, roughly averages out to be 50% negativity and crap that needs to be dealt with. Within that there's two things to consider. The first is that in a secure relationship it's that negativity and crap which keeps people together and secondly, it's also that negativity and crap which forms part of the basis for the meaning and happiness enjoyed by both in the relationship.

You claim that you believe in doing the next right or spiritual thing. My advice here is simply to be the best that you can be despite the health issues and the circumstances and to live for the moment in hand, i.e. now. Yes you are right, we are all going to die, I am very much aware that I will die some day, but it doesn't bother me, because my focus is purely on living and living in the here and now, today, and catching the moments as they go by.

Yes you do share a responsibility for the relationship, but surely part of that responsibility is being responsible for for who you are and what role you play in the relationship, and allowing the other person to do the same. I know when you love someone and have deep feelings for them it's understandable that you want to take on their responsibility too, but you can't, just as it's not possible for you to live their life for them or to go through their experiences.

Sometimes you just have to let go of what is happening on the grand scale of things, the bigger picture, for nothing and nobody has any assurance of being able to predict the future or even what is going to happen tomorrow. At such times it's best to let tomorrow work itself out and to instead focus your mind on what is happening today, here and now, doing the things which you feel able to do and not worrying about things over which you have no control.

It's like the sparrow in the tree. The sparrow never worries where it's next meal is coming from, or where it is going to fly to when it has to migrate. It simply sits in the tree and sings.

That said, all I can do is remember you in my thoughts and mention you in my prayers, hoping that you can find peace and some degree of happiness within you and solace in the words of the great many people around you who love you and feel for you.

_____________________________

CM's Resident Lyricist
also Facebook
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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/9/2009 4:00:32 AM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		Obviously, I can't know how either of you are feeling right now, so I'll just go on my own experiences and thoughts...

He's in it for the long haul, kali. It's no kindness to cast aside someone who willingly and out of love takes on the role of protector, support and strong shoulder. It will most likely eat Him up that he can't do more for you, or carry your burden even for a second, but dammit, He'll try. He'll make your days more bearable and your minutes joyful - if you let Him.

Your body knows what it needs. However much you feel you SHOULD push harder, listen to it and take your cue from it.

You have always come across as a very strong person, going by what I've read here - if there's ever a way past your problems, I have no doubt you'll find it and come out stronger for it...your road is being made that much easier by having a guy there who loves you and devotes his life to caring for you and carrying you when you're weak. Now's the time to lean on Him.

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/9/2009 4:03:13 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Do not stop trusting in his decision to have you in his life. Regardless of whatever shit life throws at you, he is there with you. Trust in his judgement.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/9/2009 4:16:11 AM   
purepleasure


Posts: 6941
Joined: 4/9/2004
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		Kali, He loves you, and of that, there is NO doubt.  Trust his judgement.  If you're not happy with your doctors, get different ones.  They might still tell you things you don't want to hear, but their delivery of said news may be in a way that is less hurtful.

Appreciate every day you're given with Him.  On the days you're in pain, take a deep breath, say to yourself, "ok, this is sucking big time, but, I am ALIVE, to appreciate being loved and being able to love Him."  Everybody has bad days, sometimes weeks, months or years.

I wish you success in your treatment, peace of mind, and as much health as possible.

_____________________________

Patience, grasshopper.

Your stupidity does not impress me.

blame it on your hormones!!! - beerbug aka ydd

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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/9/2009 5:12:24 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Kali, he could be hit by a bus tomorrow. If that happened, would you regret having known and loved him? Then trust him enough to decide for himself when enough is enough. Love is hard but it is the one thing we should value most, don't take that away from him. Don't take that choice away from him.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/9/2009 5:47:31 AM   
WarKirby


Posts: 71
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirata


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

As i sat in the living room with an ice pak on my head, i was overwhelmed by the amount of sadness i felt at Him having to go through life if i died. That seriously almost broke my heart.... on some level i think perhaps the right thing would be for me to allow Him to move on... find someone else... someone who he could grow old, happy, and safe with... The other part of me thinks that perhaps that is just as wrong.

I've been where he is. Trust me, it is no favor to be abandoned by someone you love, and deprived of their love and companionship, "for your own good." That's a load of crap.

K.





You should listen to this man, for he speaks the truth.

If you're worried about making your Master unhappy, then leaving him is the last thing you should do. At least, as long as you're able. unless you outlive him, he's going to experience the pain of losing you one way or another eventually. But willingly leaving him, rather a forcible split by the death of one of you, would probably cause much more pain.

Leaving someone "for their own good" is a horrible idea, no matter how it's looked at. If you feel the need to end the relationship, do so for your own reasons. If he would be better without you, then trust that he has the wisdom to see that and end it also.

(in reply to Kirata)
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RE: Have i gone over the edge? - 6/9/2009 6:24:17 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		(i love that people shared music here)

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

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