Confused, lost and at wits end!

Confused, lost and at wits end! (Full Version)

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seleneresona -> Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 1:34:20 AM)
I have been searching for advise for a while now. I know that my ex is probably going to find and read this but that's okay since he knows what's been going on. My "Master" and I haven't been together long, okay about a year and a half at this point. We married last year, and things have been decent enough but, there are so many things driving me insane within the relationship today that I'm about to lose it. I try so hard to be a good slave but, I feel that it is wrong for me to maintain everything within the home. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, household shopping, taking our 9 month old son to his appointments, making sure the bills are paid (yes, he does fund this but I must maintain the accounts). This was, until this past weekend, all on top of my 16 credit hours that I was taking to finish my degree. While he does work, but it barely covers the bills. Since I just finished my degree, I figure that I would go and put in at a local temp agency for the time being until I can find permanent work in order to help. But I just see the cycle is going to continue with me maintaining everything along with my job while he comes home to play on the computer that my school funds bought for us. He told me that he really wants to get his GED (yes, he has not even graduated high-school everyone) and then proceed to get a degree in mathematics. However, this appears to only be talk with absolutely no drive behind it as this has be under "discussion" for just about a year now. I understand that he does work, however I also know that I managed my schooling along with everything else and he only works about 32 hours every week. I feel like he could put a little more effort into bettering himself for the sake of our family. This is on top of my frustration with the maintenance of the house. It took him about 5 days to fix our water heater when it went out and I also feel that if it had not been for me going out and purchasing the parts for our bathtub, that would not have gotten repaired in a timely fashion either. I know that many are going to say that marriage counseling should be considered, and I personally agree with everyone on this. However, I do know his views on therapists. He even went so far as to tell me when I was going through a massive depressive state due to postpartum depression that if I went to a psychiatrist and was put on medication, he would "leave me to be a vegetable on my own". So, I am pretty sure that he would not go to an appointment with a marriage counselor. To make matters worse with the depression, when I was rather deep in it I made a comment to him that I was "worthless". Did I mean it, at the time, yes I did, that's how horrid I was feeling. At that point, he slapped me across the face. Later when I tried to talk to him about it, he asked me if I was still depressed after he did it or rather "in that state of mind". When I told him no, I had wanted to knock the crap out of him, he just said that it had done its job. Well, now I am sitting about 4 months pregnant again. (Boy were the doctor's ever wrong when they said that I could never have children!) Of course I know that some of my problems stem from hormonal imbalance. However, during this time I have maintained my schedule with college as well as all of the household chores that I have to do. Typically this lands me with about 4 hours of sleep a day. I have tried to talk to him and ask him for help. He just gets angry or frustrated with me though because he is watching his shows. And this wouldn't have been that bad by itself except that recently, he has been in contact with his ex, I guess you would call it crush since it never went any further than that. He's been sending her rather explicit messages and not telling me at all. (only reason I know is he left his messages up one day). I don't have a problem with poly households, I just kind of want to be filled in if that is what he wants. Anyway, I think I have ranted enough. I'm sorry this is so long everyone, any advice would be wonderful and I hope that I have gotten the message across to the best of my ability and accurately.

darklight17 -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 2:01:06 AM)
There was a thread yesterday or the day before that was very similar to this. I think it was called "I don't know what to do", but you may want to search for that because a lot of the sentiments are the same. Now he does work, but 32 hours a week? I work at least 70, albeit with a university degree, but still. I think any decent person in a marriage would understand that it's a joint venture, but apparently I'm a tard. Personally, I'm OCD about my house, and have to maintain it by myself (even when I was married). When you talk of him talking to someone else though, that is something that spells the end for me. I can put up with a lot. Polygamy wouldn't even bother me if it was the situation I agreed to, but being cheated on? No way. When someone cheats on you, they are desecrating your vows entirely. The fact that you know about explicit messages only says to me- what don't you know? Anyway, check out the other thread.

seleneresona -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 2:23:24 AM)
Yeah, I saw the post and read through everything that was put up in there. Her situation does sound similar, outside of the fact that my husband would never consider going to therapy and the fact that I have a kind of "decent" support system here. It's just the necessity for the outside view on the matter, everyone else that is within my support system, of course, is going to side with me or see him as a lazy slacker who never grew up even at the age of 30!

darklight17 -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 2:30:32 AM)
When I hear and see "slacker", I immediately think bi-polar. Is this a possiblity? Great spurts of ideas or energy for him for a day, week, or so followed by periods of depression or instability? It's really common, but I'm hardly adequate to say. As for you, when you are in a marriage, all the support in the world doesn't matter if your spouse isn't part of it. If you feel depressed, and feel like a doctor may be able to help, then make an appointment with your general practitioner at least. I've never heard of someone "leaving someone to be a vegetable" because they are trying. Edited because I'm tired and can't spell for beans.

subtlebutterfly -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 2:34:07 AM)
You actually married...it? You didn't know all this before you got married? He's a lazy bastard that doesn't give a rats ass about anyone but himself. Heck I'd walk out, no offense, there's no counseling that can sort through all this shit unless the counselor is some kind of magician...n okay I'm a snobbish arrogant self-righteous bastard and all that..you can call me whatever names you want I don't care, but a person that can't even graduate high-school and calls 32 hours a week a job...I mean..really???????? oh and by the way...slapping you across the face when you're in a serious state of depression and that he'd even think of threatening to leave you if you went to a doctor to get some help says everything that has to be said about this specific person.

GabrielleSlave -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 2:44:27 AM)
Hi there. i have huge sympathies for your situation; you sound like a put together person and this relationship is clearly not how any D/s relationship should be run imho. It would appear that he wants a sub/wife for the sole reason that he is too damn lazy to look after himself let alone a family. May i ask if he was like this before you two married? Were there warning signs? Just a couple more things. A slave in this lifestyle has certain rights regardless of whether or not everyone here agrees with that or not. You are a human being first and foremost and his responsibilty as a Master is to take care of and look after his property. You have a responsibilty to yourself and to your child(ren) first and foremost and that cannot ever be underestimated. The slave part of you is voluntary, you can withdraw that and if he thinks that by hitting you, he can change that, well that just becomes abuse. Think about it please. gabrielle x

housesub4you -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 3:18:17 AM)
Well, first off. There are two sides to every story. I refuse to believe that any relationship fails because of 1 person. There are two people and according to your post, you are perfect. So step back a second and ask yourself to answer some good old "I statement" The job, you married a person with out a high school degree...What did you think he was going to become a doctor? Don't get me wrong there are some very successful people who never finished HS, it just takes a heel of a lot of work, and it still requires work with a degree And it's your second post hmmmmmmm......me thinks we are being played for fools. Sorry there is something about this that does not sound true.

lizi -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 3:58:22 AM)
He doesn't have to go with you for the counseling - go on your own. It may not be quite as good as if he came with you but it'll help. Plus if he knows you're going he may decide to go himself as he may be uncomfortable with having things 'said' about him while he isn't there to 'defend' himself. Just a thought...

CatdeMedici -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 4:10:24 AM)
This isn't about D/s, this is about intelligent life decisions--of which I see very few. Together a year and a half during which unexpected pregnancy number 1, marriage, abuse, unexpected pregnancy number 2----this isn't rocket science--if you have a good support group, someone has to be questioning your and his decision making abilities. Put the games on the back burner and for the sake of the UM's that have been procreated--get with the plan.

Rule -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 4:40:09 AM)
He sounds much like me. A 32 hour job is sufficient. That is a huge effort for him. You require two things. 1. Help to lighten your load. 2. For him to be more effective. For both you need his willing cooperation. So you need to discuss this. Set up a meeting to do this. Agree beforehand not to have intercourse during the next 24 hours. A serious discussion is no foreplay. Put your arguments and proposals in writing for him to think about before the meeting. You are not pulling it. A change in lifestyle is required. There must be benefits for him: feeling better about his accomplishments and getting more self-confidence. Propose to do away with the television: it is a time-waster. Propose to limit his game-playing to one evening per week. Propose to do more tasks together. Instead of using a dishwasher, do the dishes together using a tub and dry-towel. He likes to play games. That implies that he likes to learn. So let him use his newly won free time to learn and to finish his school. Also, solving mathematical problems can be fun games as well. So let him buy a cheap second hand textbook on mathematics and read and work his way through that. The money saved by doing away the television may be used to hire help, even if it is only for one hour each week. Spiritually, be determined that things will change. Make sure that you do not have a third child.

Rule -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 4:47:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtlebutterfly slapping you across the face when you're in a serious state of depression and that he'd even think of threatening to leave you if you went to a doctor to get some help says everything that has to be said about this specific person. I disagree. I see it as a sign that he may have thought on these problems and that he does care about her. Slapping her face may cause anger and anger is likely to blow away depression. Going to a physician is often the start of a downhill slide into far worse than the original problem.

DesFIP -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 4:56:13 AM)
Clinical depression is a biochemical brain disorder. Not getting help for it is akin to not getting help for diabetes, which is a biochemical disorder also. And the timing here indicates post partum depression which is dangerous for the baby if the mother cannot cope. OP, he is who he is. You knew who he was before you married him. If you were expecting him to change, that was your mistake. He isn't ever going to. Either accept what you get here or go look for something different. Which means that after this second pregnancy ends, and you recover you will need to make changes in your life so you don't have to depend on him. Because he isn't dependable. BTW, having post partum depression once means you're more likely to have it again. Therapy during pregnancy lessens the odds of it. Go for help now.

Rule -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 5:13:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Clinical depression is a biochemical brain disorder. Not getting help for it is akin to not getting help for diabetes, which is a biochemical disorder also. And the timing here indicates post partum depression which is dangerous for the baby if the mother cannot cope. There is no indication in the opening post that she is still clinically depressed. Getting pregnant again may have ended the depression. Getting angry may have ended the depression. Being post partum depressed does require her to be supported in a major way by him and her friends. I do not know that physicians know how to cure clinical depression. It seems to me that they may be worse than ineffective. Obviously it is caused by one or various hormone overloads. So simply supplying the hormonal antagonist may cure it.

Fitznicely -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 7:23:11 AM)
I can see where he's coming from. Biologically, the male side of my family is prone to bad tempers, high blood pressure and all the effects that stem from that. I use my personal slant on how to be a good Owner/Master/Dom/whatever to keep me on the straight and narrow. Basically, growing up with a father who hated his life and had the foulest temper I've ever seen, I saw what I could become and mastered MYSELF so it didn't happen. I suggest that this would be something your husband must work on, cos right now, he ain't no Master. When he is, you'll see an improvement. If you can manage it without suffering the consequences, it might be good for him to read this thread or browse the boards in general for advice.

ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 7:33:10 AM)
quote: But I just see the cycle is going to continue with me maintaining everything along with my job while he comes home to play on the computer that my school funds bought for us. He told me that he really wants to get his GED (yes, he has not even graduated high-school everyone) and then proceed to get a degree in mathematics. However, this appears to only be talk with absolutely no drive behind it as this has be under "discussion" for just about a year now. I feel like he could put a little more effort into bettering himself for the sake of our family. This is on top of my frustration with the maintenance of the house. It took him about 5 days to fix our water heater when it went out and I also feel that if it had not been for me going out and purchasing the parts for our bathtub, that would not have gotten repaired in a timely fashion either. I know that many are going to say that marriage counseling should be considered, and I personally agree with everyone on this. However, I do know his views on therapists. He even went so far as to tell me when I was going through a massive depressive state due to postpartum depression that if I went to a psychiatrist and was put on medication, he would "leave me to be a vegetable on my own". To make matters worse with the depression, when I was rather deep in it I made a comment to him that I was "worthless". Did I mean it, at the time, yes I did, that's how horrid I was feeling. At that point, he slapped me across the face. during this time I have maintained my schedule with college as well as all of the household chores that I have to do. Typically this lands me with about 4 hours of sleep a day. I have tried to talk to him and ask him for help. He just gets angry or frustrated with me though because he is watching his shows. And this wouldn't have been that bad by itself except that recently, he has been in contact with his ex, I guess you would call it crush since it never went any further than that. He's been sending her rather explicit messages and not telling me at all. Usually, I stay out of these threads because it's impossible to give valid advice without knowing both sides of the story. But I've got a particularly cold spot in my heart for anyone who would "cure" his woman's depression by hitting her in the face, so let me just ask you a question, and you can reflect upon it at your leisure and arrive at your own answer. You're trying to build a life of opportunity for your son and your unborn child, right? Think forward 10, 15 years. If everything you say about this guy is accurate, then ask yourself - is he the kind of life you're trying to build for your children? You working 16 hours a day with no hot water because the heater's broken, while he watches TV and hits on other women with your computer? And smacks you around if you get depressed about it? What's he going to do when one of the children comes home from school crying about something? Hit them in the face too, and then when they glare at him in stunned hatred, gloat about how well it worked? It sounds like he is telling you every day what you have to look forward to. If that's the world you're trying to build for your children, your choice is easy. Stay. But personally, I think you owe your kids - not to mention yourself - a better life than that. Most people do. Good luck to all of you in whatever you decide.

DarkSteven -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 7:35:49 AM)
Issue 1 - you feel like he's not pulling his weight in the relationship. He's responsible for all the income. Now that you have your degree, maybe you can go work and put some of that money towards hiring help around the house. He's no more of a slacker now than when you married him. What's changed. 2. He's thinking sexually about his ex. I get the feeling that he's living in a fantasy world where all his needs are attended to. No complaints, no issues. You're doing the work, but not happily. He's thinking of some way to relive the fantasy, and his ex is it. Do you even want to continue M/s? I get the feeling he doesn't want the responsibility of owning and guiding a slave, and just thinks it means he gets his cock sucked. You don;t sound like you feel submissive towards him. To be blunt, I don;t think you will be able to change him. So with that understood, what do you want to do?

windchymes -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 2:15:43 PM)
To the OP, you aren't going to like my answer, but I think it's time to stop playing "good little slave", which has actually translated into "good little enabler", and kick Master Loser Deadbeat out on his ass, and get YOUR life together. Anyone would be depressed living like that! You are going to be raising two kids on your own. You're going to need some kind of child care as well as financial assistance (child support). HE needs to grow up, and he ain't gonna do it with you taking care of his every need just so you can call yourself "good little slave." Puh-lease. You obviously are an awesome person, given the way you CAN run a household, take care of a baby, and carry a full course load in school. You went to school to better yourself, now, keep up that good work, and get rid of Master LD. Don't you see how HE is the major cause of any depression you have? Get rid of him! Things won't be easy....but you won't have him holding you back anymore. And, slapping someone's face for any reason is WRONG (except in that kind of scene, of course!).

seleneresona -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 2:37:33 PM)
I thank everyone for you responses. I don't know, maybe I just needed to rant and hear it from others that were unbiased or at least didn't really know either of us. Obviously, you are only hearing my side of the story in the situation at hand. It would be nice if he and I actually spoke on the problems we are having. At least then I would know if he sees my frustration and if he, himself, is also frustrated with anything going on. I do know this though. He isn't really used to having nicer things in life. He didn't understand me wanting to get renter's insurance when I got the new computer. As far as he is concerned, these are just objects that can be replaced. I, on the other hand, come from the middle-upper class who is used to alarm systems, 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, along with anything that was a necessity to live comfortably. With this I have to add, I was far from really spoiled. There was no such thing as a game system in our home or really any sort of electronic entertainment. My parent's believed in saving extra money for vacations or if some emergency should take place. Basically, we come from two totally different worlds. And, at this point, I question if I only stayed and married him for the sake of our child. Don't get me wrong, I do love him. But then, some of my close friends words ring in my head at this that "sometimes love isn't enough". I don't want to hurt him and take his child away, or take the grandparent's away from their grandchildren. At this point, I am going to do exactly what I have told those personally I would do. I will go to the therapist for myself. Discuss the matters at hand with them and see if they see any solutions to them.

sophia37 -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 2:42:11 PM)
I checked on your profile. You're 23. You've bee married for 16 months you've got a 9 month old and been pregnant again for 4 months. Just the pregnancy's alone add up to more time than you've been married. 9 months old and 9 months pregnant is 18 months. You married because you were pregnant. Thats my guess. But you are a go getter. You love fashion and would like to go back into art once youre business degree is done. So do it. As hard as it will be, find a way to keep going to school. Its gonna be REALLY hard. Almost impossible. But do not lose yourself in all of this. It almost too bad your children aren't older. They could use you as an inspiration. Dont worry about being a slave. I doubt slavery is the answer in the coming years. Sorry. You'll have slavery of a different kind. But you'll need all the self mastering you can muster. I know from what I speak. In a way my advice to you is, never mind your husband. He is what he is what he is. Take as much of it as you can while you pursue your dreams. Design things for children as you go along! And as you progress, you will know what it is you need to do. It becomes obvious along the way. So dont ignore the obvious. And the only thing I will say that someone else has said is, two children. Make that all the children you want and need. Thats the only thing I can tell you with certainty that will make your troubles be what they will be and not more. Convince yourself that two is all youve ever wanted. You can chnge your mind in your mid thrities if you want and start a second family with someone else way down the line. But as it is....two. Live with two. Good luck to you and god bless. You will make a good life for yourself Im sure. Determination and persistance. Write those words on the wall if need be.

Phoenixpower -> RE: Confused, lost and at wits end! (5/14/2009 2:54:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seleneresona At this point, I am going to do exactly what I have told those personally I would do. I will go to the therapist for myself. Discuss the matters at hand with them and see if they see any solutions to them. Good luck to you [:)] I don't have to add anything on here really, but I do know that I would not accept someone who would slap me in the face when I am down or depressed...I remember one person I met how he commented on a person I know who tried to commit suicide, saying that she didn't really want to do it...and that was one big sign for me already, that I would not want to be with him (in addition to other factors of course) because I would not ever want to be in a situation with him having kids and (you never know) having kids going through difficult situations in life where he might react with a similar view, kind of the child wouldn't really want to do it and only cry for help instead not being bothered....that comment from that bloke was highly inappropriate as I know that this friend had serious issues and seriously wanted to do it. So I already figured out that with him...I would not feel the security I am looking for in a partner about how he would respond to potential children in case they might get caught up in trouble at times. So as others said...don't forget to consider how you would feel if he would react to your kids how he reacted to you...would he slap them in the face when they are down at some point? Whilst a slap can be a good wakeup call...there a certain situations where it is inappropriate and I would not put up with that and would not want my kids to put up with either. Best wishes [:)]

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