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death of a friend - 4/24/2009 10:03:30 PM

satyrsnymph28

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Last week, a girl I was really close to in high school and the first part of college drowned in a canal.

We were neighbors in the dorms for our first year of college, and we spent a lot of time together towards the end of high school. She was an amazing friend, and had an energy about her that was contagious. She had the most beautiful smile in the world. I swear she could light up an entire room the second she walked into it.

We hadn't talked in a few years, but every time I thought about our 10 year high school reunion, I always looked forward to seeing her the most, and finding out what she was doing, and how far she'd gone in life. It was, and still is, unfathomable that she could be gone at such a young age.

Her funeral was today.

There were so many people there. She was loved by many. So many people attended that the church was full, and there were people standing outside completely unable to see or hear. I was one of those people.

The flowers were beautiful... I got to see them as they were being removed from the church... but that was the extent of it.

Anyway, I didn't get the closure I wanted from the situation. I felt like if I could go to the funeral, see her casket, and hear them reflect on her life, it would become real to me. I know that it's going to weigh heavily on my mind until I find a way to get that closure. It seems impossible to me that she's gone...

How have you come to accept/cope with a death like this where you didn't get the closure you needed?

Post #: 1

RE: death of a friend - 4/24/2009 10:06:52 PM

angelikaJ

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Sometimes writing them a letter helps.

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RE: death of a friend - 4/24/2009 10:08:43 PM

GreedyTop

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From: Savannah, GA
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Condolences to you *hugs*

I went to the burial site, alone. Talked to her and said all the things I had never said and repeated the things I hadnt said enough. I cried. Talked about shared memories. Sat silently for a while.

It helped me...

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RE: death of a friend - 4/24/2009 10:10:48 PM

satyrsnymph28

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i really like both of those ideas. i'll probably do both.

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RE: death of a friend - 4/24/2009 10:17:06 PM

marie2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: satyrsnymph28

How have you come to accept/cope with a death like this where you didn't get the closure you needed?

There's a process that has to take place. I don't think there's one specific thing that is going to give you "closure". Death is freaky like that, whether it's sudden or you knew it was coming, it still feels disorienting when it happens.

In the beginning, it feels like it's separate from you, something distant that you can't come to terms with, but gradually, with time, you sort of meld with it and find a place to keep it where it's no longer this big painful thing. Eventually it just sort of becomes a part of you...the person's life, their death, the memories etc and you eventually feel at peace about it. I guess it doesn't sound very helpful, but time is what helps, and talking to other people who knew her. I have found that to be very beneficial when dealing with a death....talking about it and talking about the person to others who knew him/her.

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RE: death of a friend - 4/24/2009 10:21:40 PM

NewlySingle329

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Joined: 9/14/2008
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So sorry to hear. The only thing I might add is that most funeral homes and newspapers have online memoriam guest books that you can sign and read what others have posted.

It's helped me.
~NS

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Post #: 6

RE: death of a friend - 4/24/2009 10:25:02 PM

satyrsnymph28

Posts: 379
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There was actually one in the newspaper (online, though) and I have been reading it, and it's nice to hear the wonderful things others have to say about her.

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Post #: 7

RE: death of a friend - 4/24/2009 10:28:37 PM

DemonKia

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From: Chico, Nor-Cali
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Give yourself plenty of time to absorb this.

There's no race to win in grieving.

The more abrupt & unexpected the death, the more this is so . . . . .

I've gone thru something similar recently & it takes time to work thru all the feelings, all the levels into which grief trickles, all the nooks & crannies of feeling that can exude . . . .. . .

& let yourself feel as much of it as you can handle, really wallow in your feelings when you can, allow yourself time & place to experience all the emotion that come out . . . .

Honor your instincts & feelings, treat yourself & your grief respectfully . . .. . If you feel the desire to ritualize, follow that . . . .. If it helps you to feel better to say prayers, to chant, or light candles or incense, or so on & so forth, do it . . . . .

I found it helpful to contribute money towards funeral costs, in my case, it helped me feel like part of what was going on, of taking care of the important business of attending to death . . .. Alternately, contributing to a charity in the deceased's name can help you connect this to the positive continuation of life . ... .

Take care of yourself. The process of death is ultimately about we the survivors . . . . .

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RE: death of a friend - 4/24/2009 10:33:13 PM

Owner59

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Sorry for your loss.

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RE: death of a friend - 4/24/2009 10:33:22 PM

satyrsnymph28

Posts: 379
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

Condolences to you *hugs*

I went to the burial site, alone. Talked to her and said all the things I had never said and repeated the things I hadnt said enough. I cried. Talked about shared memories. Sat silently for a while.

It helped me...

the place where she is, is 125 acres. how would i go about finding her when i choose to do that?

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 10

RE: death of a friend - 4/24/2009 10:49:24 PM

GreedyTop

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From: Savannah, GA
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The cemetery will be able to tell you where she is, and how to find her.

*hugs again*

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Post #: 11

RE: death of a friend - 4/25/2009 12:10:25 AM

ThatDamnedPanda

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First of all, let me say that I'm very sorry for your loss. I wish the best to all her friends and family as they work their way through the pain that comes from losing someone close to them. It's so much harder when a life ends before it even really begins.

But second... as for how to find closure... well, I suggest you consider not even looking for it. Or even thinking in terms of closure. Think instead about continuance. Take some time to reflect upon what it was about her that made her special, that touched your heart and soul and made your life richer. Think about those qualities in her, and think about them in terms of lessons on how to live a good life. And consider ways that you can incorporate those lessons into your own life, the way you move through the world and affect the people around you. Think about ways you can continue the best of who she was. And if you can do that, I think you'll find something that feels a lot like the closure you're looking for, but even better and more satisfying than you expected it to feel.

Good luck. I hope this was helpful to you. It was the basic theme of the eulogy I wrote for my father about a year ago - that the good in us never really dies, that the best of who we are lives on in the way the people who loved us learned from us and incorporate our more admirable characteristics into their own personalities, thus passing the true nature of ourselves on to others who - in turn - incorporate them into the way they live their lives. And so on. I'm sure not everyone will find value in it, but if it resonates for you, I'm happy for you. Because if it does, indeed, turn out to be something that really connects for you, I think it will bring you happiness. I know it did for me.

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RE: death of a friend - 4/25/2009 5:06:11 AM

sirsholly

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From: Quietville
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i am very sorry for your loss, Satyr.

You were searching for closure, but the timing is not right for that. You are still in the grieving process. Perchance what you were really looking for was acceptance? Seeing the casket may have been a way of making her loss more real to you.

Your mind knows she is gone, but your heart has yet to accept it. Give yourself time...alot of time. The average time for the process of grief to end is two years. You were searching for that end in a matter of a few days. Closure happens at the end of the grieving process.

I strongly suggest a trip to the cemetery, in YOUR time. Sit back and do nothing for now. Take the pressure off of yourself. Your heart will tell you when it is time for such a trip.

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RE: death of a friend - 4/25/2009 5:30:10 AM

barelynangel

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You could also contact others (which seems substantial) who are all still grieving for her and perhaps share with others. While the funeral is supposed to be for the living, it doesn't mean the grief ends when everyone goes home. Contact her siblings, others who knew her. You are reading the guest book, leave your contact information and offer yourself as someone who would love to remember her with others. YOu don't have to grieve alone or attempt to find closure alone. Your 10 year reunion is coming up -- why not ask for a memorial or such to be put up so your friend can still be a part of same. Send a huge bouquet of flowers that are shaped in a smiling mouth or something like a smile brightening up a room. It sounds to me like you need more so to be a part of all this with others who loved her based on your last paragraph. You can always go to her family and explain to them how much you loved her etc. Share with them memories they may not have a clue about because grins we all know what happens in college stays in college. Just kidding. But you have a lot of her that her family may not know and would also feel comforted in having those memories of her while they fill you in on the last 10 years or so.

If you need closure on a more personal level with her -- i am a big writer, so the letter is a great way -- you can laminate it in an envelope) and leave it at her resting place, you can set up a small trust for her for something she was passionate about in her memory. You can Set up a memorial trust at your college or HS that will go to changing some small thing at the HS or dorms -- you know things that people always say -- i wish the HS had this or dorms had that. Nothing extragavant but something small and not a big in memory of but maybe just something that says she was here. Going to the resting place you can aways leave some college or HS stuff you two shared in.

Find what gives you comfort in your memories of her. Don't be afraid of simply doing something she enjoyed doing, don't be afraid of doing something silly you both enjoyed doing, closure doesn't need to be sorrowful or sad, you don't always need to be sad in your grief, you said she had a beautiful smile -- make a donation to a poor community to help kids get dental work done. Do stuff for people deliberately because you know it will make them smile in memory of her smile you will work to light up the world.

Take it one day at a time, many times closures comes from the small memories and things you do as you remember to smile when you think of her.

angel

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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

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RE: death of a friend - 4/25/2009 5:53:57 AM

CatdeMedici

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Plant something somewhere special in her memory.

Put a birdfeeder in a special tree and keep it filled in her memory.

The last thing we want to do is "close and forget"--to honor one's life is the greatest tribute we can do and that in itself is closure.

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RE: death of a friend - 4/25/2009 6:17:21 AM

Irishknight

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My heartfelt condolences. I recently went through the loss of an old friend. The only advice I can give is allow yourself the time to grieve. Its been months since Bill's passing and I still get a lump in my throat when I think of the guy who was like a brother to me for so many years. Maybe I always will.
Take your time, let the tears come when they need to, and let the healing process begin. Don't expect to "get over it." Just expect to learn how to go on. Eventually, you'll remember the good times more than the loss. If you need to talk to someone who has gone through this recently just send me a message.

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Post #: 16

RE: death of a friend - 4/25/2009 9:43:11 AM

popeye1250

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From: New Hampshire
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28, I'm so sorry for your loss.
That's a tragic way to go!
I lost a cousin in Vietnam. It was a hot July day in 1968 and I walked into the house and my mother and aunt were crying and they didn't have to tell me what happened.
He was 19.
He was bright and he was funny as hell! He could have been a comedian.
I didn't go to the funeral but just reading the Newspaper article brought it home for me.
He was over there 3 weeks.
*It just takes time.*
And my class bought a monument and had all 13 names of the guys who died in Vietnam from our city erected on the city green downtown so that brought comfort and I'd say closure too. Every once in a while I'd take a walk by the monument and read his name and the names of a few others I knew and remember the fun times and his laugh and extrordinary sense of humor.
You're still in shock now but you'll come to accept it more as time goes by. That doesn't mean that it's not difficult. I was in a daze for a month after my cousin. It all just seemed so surreal, "Killed in combat in Vietnam."
You might think of maybe doing something charitable in her name. A charity walk, run or bikeathon to raise money?
This type of thing is certainly one of life's toughest travails to deal with.
And, it does help to talk about it, no doubt about that!
So don't be shy about talking about it, that'll help you heal.

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RE: death of a friend - 4/25/2009 10:08:47 AM

pahunkboy

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From: Central Pennsylvania
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Consider the things she told you in life. Take in a sunset with her memory.

STOP and smell the roses.

I wish I could make things better for you.

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Post #: 18

RE: death of a friend - 4/25/2009 10:58:17 AM

Termyn8or

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Closure is a joke, it never comes. It's just that gradually you accept life with the absence of the dead. You still remember them and then given enough time, it no longer hurts. It's like you get a callous on your mind, and eventually you can talk about them and remember them, thus immortalizing them in a way, without the pain.

The rituals merely seem to help this process along. Take it from me, I know more dead people than alive. But one thing is for sure, just about anyone you knew who has died would not want your life to stop just because their's did. Remember that always and it helps.

I remember Jim Watt, Rich Melencke, Jeff Morris, Colm and Brendon O'Leary, and quite a few others quite vividly. You are never over it, you simply learn to accept it. This takes time.

It's as if something has been ripped out of your body and you are waiting for the resultant hole to heal. The ritual may comfort you, but the process is pretty much the same with or without. If you can find others who knew your friend and invite them over for drinks or whatever, and discuss, it can help the process along.

True acceptance of your loss will take time, and acceptance of that fact will help. After enough time you will be able to remember and talk about them, even make jokes about their idiosyncracies and so forth. It is just a matter of time.

In time you will be able to even make jokes about the dead, but it takes alot of time. Best of wishes on this journey. Words on your screen can't do much to help really, except maybe as I have tried to do, to assure you that this will happen. You will be normal again. Death is a part of life, and when you finally do get finished mourning the loss of their's, cherish your's.

T

edited to add "the loss of" to that last sentence. I suck at writing sometimes.

T

< Message edited by Termyn8or -- 4/25/2009 11:04:20 AM >

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RE: death of a friend - 4/25/2009 11:17:58 AM

DrkJourney

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First of all, I am sorry for your loss.

Funny you have this thread. I just had a friend/co-worker killed last Friday by her ex-husband. You see it on the news all the time, but not to someone you actually know. I very much wanted to go to the funeral but due to finances (it was in a city about 5 hours away) and turns out illness I could not attend.

I thought I would get closure by going into work on Monday and she not being there, but that didn't work. I still find myself heading toward the phone wanting to call and tell her this or that. I really thought the funeral would help me with all this, but as I said I could not attend. I've looked at the news stories on tv and online...and I don't know how many times I"ve watched the tape from the hotel parking lot, it's online too, unfortunatley it shows all, with some parts edited out, thank goodness,....still not quite believing it.

All I can hope is time and the support of loved ones will one day make it seem real and I can move on.

Forgot the advice part...maybe you can do something in her honor? The woman above had five children so we are raising money for them. Also, and this is not something I suggest cause revenge is bad...lol In my capacity in my office, I made sure that the ex will not get her insurance money or her last check....can you believe that Monday morning his family was already calling trying to get the money for his...."defense"? I guess I'm saying just do little things in her memory....it's really helping alot and keeps my mind occupied.

< Message edited by DrkJourney -- 4/25/2009 11:25:14 AM >

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