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Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 7:21:10 AM

Eraser

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/11/2008
Status: offline

I've been lurking on the site for a while and I'm trying to find my way in this.

Problem is, I don't really see myself fitting into the traditional dominant/submissive paradigm. I'm most certainly not the usual alpha male dominant. I'm not an awfully controling person either, very easygoing and get along with people most of the time and usually don't give off that alpha male vibe. So one might think of me as submissive. But I'm not submissive by a longshot. Quite frankly, I'm impossible to control or intimidate, if I do something someone else asks of me, it tends to be in the spirit of not causing problems in whatever situation and would expect the same person to do things for me. When people try to exert any kind of control or authority over me, well, lets just say it isn't pretty and the dominant side of me comes out strongly. I always naturally become a leader, but treat leading more as a guiding/mentoring role than enforcing my will on people, I'm very live and let live and go for win/win situations (though if someone tries to undermine me or my goals, I can be controlling and machiavelli as hell)

Since its very situational, switch might be appropriate, except that I'm never actually submissive so much as not being particularly dominant always, nor would ever be the one getting tied down in this. I insist on being the one who does that in the bedroom.

Post #: 1

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 7:29:40 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Welcome to the forums.

Why do you have to be anything other than interested in kink? You don't have to identify as an orientation.

My question is, what to you think is a dominant or a submissive? Because from what you have posted, I see someone working on assumptions of a fantasy, not the reality, which is cool if it's your fantasy, but I get the impression your basis is coming from others, not yourself?

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Eraser)

Post #: 2

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 7:38:19 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14449
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I'm curious as to why you think that means you're not an "alpha male". Most of the alpha males that I know are quiet leaders. They're natural leaders who don't need bravado, intimidation and swagger to be dominant. (There's a difference between dominant and domineering.)

I'm always tickled when I see a vanilla rush to open a door for Master....and they have no idea why they're doing it.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 3

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 7:41:45 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

Hey, I commiserate. I tell folks that I am more of a "Yoda" than a "Lady Heather". I'm also an INTJ, with an emphasis on the "I" (Introvert). That means that I really need a lot of "don't bother me" time, so having someone who hangs on me constantly just isn't in the cards. That being said, I've managed to keep servants successfully, and had a number of enjoyable opportunities to just play with folks on a casual basis.

Just be yourself. If you love kink, you'll shape it to suit. There's no reason to have anyone but you decide how you'll express what you enjoy. Anything works if you want it badly enough.

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 4

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 7:46:13 AM

Eraser

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/11/2008
Status: offline

Well that's how I see it, being dominant in a subtle or softer way, its just the societal impression of what the typical alpha male is like that I don't really fit. People generally see the macho roid-head as being the dominant one, not the easygoing quiet one.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 5

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 9:20:30 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I am more fascinated by a quiet and gentle Dom than one shouting, "On your knees, bitch". A sub who feels totally understood would do almost anything for her Dom. There is nothing wrong with ruling with a velvet glove.

_____________________________

(in reply to Eraser)

Post #: 6

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 9:27:43 AM

subtlebutterfly

Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline

Honey - I don't remotely fit into the submissive "label" however I definitely don't fall in the switch category nor the dominant one..even though in a certain way I could possibly fall into the dominant one it's not enough. I couldn't ever squeeze myself into the slave category in gazillion years so.. the submissive category suits the best.
So I simply expand..the label to reach around me

I mean on the other side you're only given 4 options..dom, switch, sub or slave you just have to pick the one that's closest to ya even though you don't fit into the category n then stop worrying about it.

_____________________________

~Ms. Awesomeness to YOU!~

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 7

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 10:02:27 AM

sublace

Posts: 201
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Eraser

People generally see the macho roid-head as being the dominant one, not the easygoing quiet one.

no, no no! They are trying too hard. Gentle spoken leaders RULE!!!! So?

*Walk down the hill and... rule! *

< Message edited by sublace -- 4/17/2009 10:09:11 AM >

(in reply to Eraser)

Post #: 8

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 10:23:18 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I am an easy going Dominant, not too much of a control freak and I certainly do not swagger. I do have my expectations and my rules, my male sub follows them. Every Dominant is different and S/He is going to have their own way of doing things. Sometimes it just takes time to figure out how those things are going to be done. Just remember that every relationship is different, just as people are all different. What might work for one person may not work for another. Take your time and go slow.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to Eraser)

Post #: 9

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 10:27:20 AM

lalbobbilynn

Posts: 483
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline

Nicely said.
b.~

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

I am an easy going Dominant, not too much of a control freak and I certainly do not swagger. I do have my expectations and my rules, my male sub follows them. Every Dominant is different and S/He is going to have their own way of doing things. Sometimes it just takes time to figure out how those things are going to be done. Just remember that every relationship is different, just as people are all different. What might work for one person may not work for another. Take your time and go slow.

Good luck,
~Lashra

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 10

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 10:29:44 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You ought to meet The Man. Soft spoken, laid back (as long as dinner is on time) and very protective and caring of those under his protection. At the same time, people do what he says, ask him for advice, come to him for help. He has customers who will wait months for him to be available, simply because he inspires so much trust.

Honestly you don't have to be a blowhard, you only need inspire one person's submission. Keep your word, know what you're doing, and I'm sure you will find that one person.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 11

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 10:50:53 AM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

In my own life, hiking is sort of an analogy for this.

When I was young, "hiking" was boring.

It meant going up a mountain, sticking to the trail, with the payoff being a view at the top.

I couldn't understand, "Why not just drive?"

Hiking was of little interest to me.

Later, though, I lived in deserts, and discovered a kind of hiking where there were no trails, you could pick your own terrain, going up, down or sideways, etc.
Later still, I discovered I have a sort of knack for hiking in creeks and rivers. Where others find difficult slogging, for some reason I am able to march merrily on.

So, after years of this, I suddenly find myself Mister Outdoorsy (at least among my city friends), and I guide them on camping trips and such.

And now I love exploring and all that crap.

I look into the history of places I want to explore, I study maps, and sometimes even literally dig into the landscape ~ I'm engaged with it on several levels.

But - the point is, I had to discover my own way to do it.

I think it's similar with D/s and kink related stuff ~ I had to try some things to realize that some weren't for me; that some, while not appealing initially, *were* of some interest to me; and then to kind of make up my own connections and way to go about things.

Not radically different, maybe, but just personalized.

It takes time (along with some trial and error) to sort that all out, I think.

< Message edited by Jeptha -- 4/17/2009 10:56:20 AM >

_____________________________

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- - - - - - -
"....(somewhere) therein lies the truthiness..."
~*~*~*~*
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(in reply to Eraser)

Post #: 12

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 12:39:08 PM

VeryNastyDom

Posts: 403
Joined: 9/23/2006
Status: offline

I always wanted to let my Dom side come out, but societal expectations being what they are it was hard to behave in certain ways, especially in vanilla situations. Then I had the good fortune to move to Japan in a high ranking job and everyone in the company, and especially the "office ladies", damn near licked my feet every time I walked into the elevator. That is when I realized it was perfectly fine to act that way and never looked back.

You are what you are, don't over analyze it. It might take you a while to figure out where you fit, but there is a place for darn near everybody. Just don't let the labels get you down; people in this lifestyle are way too complex to be described in one or two words.

(in reply to Jeptha)

Post #: 13

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 2:05:39 PM

NYLass

Posts: 409
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline

Unfortunately CM makes you choose one role or another. Perhaps if you specify exactly what you've written here in your profile, it may help.

I'm also none of the available choices. However, since "sadomasochist" isn't an option here, I explain it completely in the profile.

Good luck, and welcome to the boards.

(in reply to VeryNastyDom)

Post #: 14

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 4:52:35 PM

Knite064

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/21/2009
Status: offline

I ve never been too fussy about labels other than giving a rough idea of where on the map someones orientation lies.
However i do know that im very attracted to submissive females that i feel a chemistry with .
My advice would be not to over analyse but focus on what your attracted to and take it from there and hopefully in time you find your niche..

be well

(in reply to Eraser)

Post #: 15

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 5:01:16 PM

AngelGeena

Posts: 1324
Joined: 10/17/2008
Status: offline

Just be who and what you are and don't worry about defining it. I gave up trying to do that about myself a long long time ago. Welcome.

_____________________________

Owned heart and soul, bound to MZ forever.

(in reply to Knite064)

Post #: 16

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 6:20:20 PM

greeneyedreamer

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

quote:

Well that's how I see it, being dominant in a subtle or softer way, its just the societal impression of what the typical alpha male is like that I don't really fit. People generally see the macho roid-head as being the dominant one, not the easygoing quiet one.

Well, believe me, my dominant doesn't ever raise his voice, and he never gives me ORDERS. He is gentle, kind and simply leads and I simply follow. It's a very simple recipe. And we are both thrilled at how well it works out. If I have a question, about how he would react to anything, I simply ask. Most times he says "of course, it's ok!" He never micro manages, I don't think he feels the need to or the desire.

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to Eraser)

Post #: 17

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 7:33:19 PM

Eraser

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/11/2008
Status: offline

I very much get what everyone's saying. The problem is giving the impression of a dominant personality when meeting people, because once an impression is formed, its very hard to change.

(in reply to greeneyedreamer)

Post #: 18

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 7:47:24 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

Just be yourself! That way you'll attract someone who's into the real you and is attracted by your style and the way you think and act. With six billion people in the world, there are are bound to be a lot of people who will be attracted to the real you.

If you are still changing, growing and exploring, that's GREAT! That's a big selling point! Find someone else who is, too.

I know if I thought I was done changing, growing and exploring, I'd bore myself stiff and probably wish for an early grave.

If you are confident and honest, you'll find others who are like you, and to whom labels aren't a big deal. They'll be like me: I think you sound fun, free and fascinating!

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to Eraser)

Post #: 19

RE: Finding my place in all of this - 4/17/2009 9:38:15 PM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

I call myself a "soft top" ... as opposed to a "Dom" ... maybe you are too.

PS: Notice the lack of case to show that it's just a kink; not a lifestyle.

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 20

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