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stella41b -> RE: The concept of searching during changing circumstances (4/10/2009 9:59:36 AM)
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I'm kind of caught in the departure lounge of life so to speak, and there's so many variables here it's not funny. I've just come out of a relationship which wasn't going to work out but which became a learning curve all of it's own.
Easter is coming, and it's been over three years but I'm back in the Fringe, the theatre is expanding slowly, we have a venue and all the people involved in the theatre have got through all the additional training necessary to be able to work with me. We're abandoning form and convention, and here at least there's a lot to be optimistic about. It's taken me over 19 years to achieve what I'm about to achieve and thankfully I'm only going through this process once in London - I don't think I could pull it off a second time. Half of what I'm doing is being created or developed for what will be after I am gone, and some will travel with me.
I've given up on any sort of personal relationship. It's not fair, it's not fair to someone when you cannot show any sort of commitment, where you are planning to relocate, and even when it comes to stuff like casual play it's just not worth it. Far better to develop and cultivate friendships and stick with those. I've given up searching, and instead have decided to focus on my writing and my work in theatre.
All this is open-ended.. There is actually someone in mind, but she's in the States, but I'm not welcome in the States because the authorities are of the opinion that I plan to settle there illegally - despite the fact I've never really been there, never overstayed a visa, and cannot even get permission to visit the country.
It's okay, because there is actually Canada, my family are in Toronto, I'm visa exempt, and living just north of the US border looks quite comfortable to me. I don't welcome the confrontational stance of the US authorities, I have never needed anything or to be anywhere in the United States, not least for my success in theatre - I'm doing quite well in Europe and with the occasional productions of my plays in Australia and New Zealand, and this can continue. The only time I tried to come to the States was a couple of years ago when I tried to set up a project in the southern part of Mississippi working out of Biloxi and seeking to set up a new wave of fringe theatres in towns such as Bay St Louis, Gulfport, Pascalouga, and perhaps moving into Alabama.
I have the summer to decide which festivals to enter for the Touring of the Canadian Association of Fringe Festivals and it's nothing for me not to enter any of the festivals in the US - in Orlando, Indianapolis, New York, Boulder or San Francisco - there's plenty of festivals in Canada to choose from. All my projects, even for the States, are self-financing, apart from space and people there's nothing I really need from the States. I was looking to contribute something to American culture, but it's no skin off my nose if that contribution is not wanted.
This is the crappy aspect of any trans-Atlantic relationship - the ridiculous need for approval from the authorities, and it doesn't matter what side of the Atlantic you're on, the authorities still expect you to sit it out and wait for their decision.
Not for the first time, the American authorities miss the point completely. The actual issue isn't about same sex relationships, it's not even about healthcare, but about gender recognition. I am a UK citizen with a passport in female gender which is lawfully obtained with supporting medical evidence. This is what the Americans are disputing, but in their dispute they are also actually denying sovereignty to the United Kingdom. My legal identity and other documents are in the name of Stella, I have only one legal identity and not as the Americans claim two.
Various diplomatic efforts have tried and failed to find a solution. Ken Livingstone, the former Mayor of London has tried on at least two occasions to get Washington to change their stance. President Bush on at least one occasion refused to intervene. My actual plans are to finish up what I am doing in London, relocate to Toronto and sit it out there whilst having a good time in Canada.
Things actually are okay, I'm equipped to develop an international LDR and I've decided to go for the long haul. Trying to set up a successful D/s relationship via the Internet is something I've never really been successful at, and looking back, there's been a consistent pattern where I've been making the same mistakes time after time after time. It's not that my submission is a gift (well not much different a gift than a bout of influenza) but it is something which in theory is meant to happen on my terms. I've come to the decision that I'd rather hold out, wait, let things develop over a long period of time, something which comes out of friendship and something on equal terms at least in the beginning.
I'm done with superficial, shallow relationships where the dynamic happens before anything else. There's nothing worse than being lonely and in a relationship, I'd rather be lonely and free to be lonely, and I just see no point in bestowing the title of Mistress or whatever on a woman unless she's pretty amazing or special enough to find herself at the very epicentre of my life and a damn good friend.
I'm also restricted somewhat by my lifestyle, which is very much Fringe theatre, theatre workshops, being creative, and at times travelling and touring. Festival season happens through the summer, I love festivals, I love touring, giving workshops, and I'd originally planned to quit directing in autumn, but i feel as if I'm losing a major part of my life. At the moment I'm booking as many performances as I can and gathering reviews.
Maybe something will change with the Americans at some point in the future and I will be able to go south and tour US cities but that depends more on Washington than it does me. And I'm not holding my breath.
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