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not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 7:06:31 PM

outfreynpyretic

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so i came i conquered i successfully managed to find someone on this site to experience bdsm with and she is quite knowledgeable on different things like how to do things safely, how to tie in the right way, very professional i thought. ran into some confusion i just cant figure out and need some advice-
so I am very turned on and very aroused with bdsm not nessesarily that I want sex, but i beleive that the extreme arousal, that 'special' feeling is what its all about. my partner disagrees, says it is not a sexual thing to her at all, it doesnt have anything to do with arousal, sex or even talking sexually, and she has explained to me that when she is having sex its a completly different thing, she thinks nothing more then how she feels and has to concentrate very hard on simply how she feels to have an orgasm, and she doesnt have sexual fantasies.
I beleive that either she just hasnt experienced the WOWness sexual side of bdsm, and when we have a session that she tells me something is missing. everytime i try to explain what that is what i think, being turned on by it, she disagrees and just says some people are different and dont see it that way, just i think that she hasnt discovered it yet to tell the truth. maybe im wrong on this, but i think if your not like wow thats hot or to that effect, your not doing it right or your not a match.
I understand some things are not sexual and can be enjoyable, but the whole picture ultimatly is always arousing to me even if im not aroused 100% of the time if that makes any sense.
Any thoughts on this, advice? anyone else like bdsm like an entertainment activity not aroused by it in any way?

Post #: 1

RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 7:12:41 PM

DavanKael

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I think not a match is more likely than not doing it right based on what you are saying.
No, I don't consider it a non-arousing entertainment and am rather puzzled by the idea.
I think this warrants mucho communication between the two of you.
Best wishes,
Davan

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RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 7:13:26 PM

dreamerdreaming

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So you've got a pro- Domme, that's great- I'm happy for you.

Don't overanalyze. Just enjoy!

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RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 7:17:13 PM

outfreynpyretic

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not a pro, just i meant she seems very educated about it.

puzzled is how i feel as well. very.

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Post #: 4

RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 7:18:32 PM

AAkasha

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I was doing S&M for quite awhile before I had my first orgasm. I had my first orgasm, still, awhile before I ever had sexual intercourse. I can enjoy all three activities together or separate. I need a very regular diet of ALL THREE and don't need to be fucking the man I tie up, having orgasm from every time I have sex, or have orgasms when I tie up a guy and do kinky things to him. I can gladly do all three at once, but it's not necessary.

I have no idea why it is that way. I know that I get incredibly, incredibly wet from any kind of S&M with a partner that I am into. I know that this kind of sexual arousal, though, does not make me want to fuck, and it does not make me want to have an orgasm - it makes me want to do more S&M. As a side effect, though, going straight from S&M to sex is a very natural progression, and once I am in that mode, I am easily into it. Just takes a slightly different frame of mind and I am off to the races.

However, if I am sexually aroused from good old fashioned physical foreplay - kissing, fondling, touching, body closeness - I get wet, and want an orgasm, and want to have sex. That's the way my brain is wired. When I get *that* kind of wet, I must complete the act.

It's totally baffling to me, but that's just the way I am. So yes, technically I can get *all kinds of wet* from a variety of S&M acts but never act on them sexually, and actually not be too bothered by it - I just want more S&M until I get my fill. I can collect the orgasms later.

Akasha

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RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 7:23:17 PM

peppermint

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From: Montana
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quote:

maybe im wrong on this, but i think if your not like wow thats hot or to that effect, your not doing it right or your not a match.

Sorry...I have to disagree. We've been 24/7 for over 3 years now and neither of us finds the play as particularly sexual. We have fun, in fact we have a blast. We enjoy a scene...but it doesn't turn either of us on. We do have a great sex life which is really rather vanilla. It comes down to different strokes for different folk.

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Post #: 6

RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 7:24:50 PM

outfreynpyretic

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i agree totally with you on that akasha. well hehe i dont get wet but the equivalent.
I feel shes missing out on a great deal of fun.

I am very puzzled on that peppermint, maybe its just that simple and im just not seeing it that way. Maybe its the endorphins from pain that you enjoy? sounds very similiar to how she explains it. i just dont understand the enjoyment out of it

< Message edited by outfreynpyretic -- 3/2/2009 7:31:03 PM >

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Post #: 7

RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 7:34:30 PM

peppermint

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From: Montana
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quote:

I am very puzzled on that peppermint, maybe its just that simple and im just not seeing it that way.

Often times we are ruled by our own points of view. Some see BDSM as solely a sexual activity. Others, like my own Dominant and myself do not. It's not that one is wrong and the other is right. I am fortunate in that I found a Dominant who was very compatible.

As has been pointed out time and time again on the boards.....there is no RIGHT and CORRECT way of doing this. We all find what works for us and we go for it. It is truely a "have it your way" lifestyle.

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Post #: 8

RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 7:40:33 PM

GreedyTop

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From: Savannah, GA
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quote:

I know that I get incredibly, incredibly wet from any kind of S&M with a partner that I am into. I know that this kind of sexual arousal, though, does not make me want to fuck, and it does not make me want to have an orgasm - it makes me want to do more S&M.

what she said.

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Post #: 9

RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 7:40:49 PM

Sexycelticlady

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BDSM can be many things to different people and sexual for some and not so sexual for other. When I bottom I have a difficult time processing intense pain and arousal in the same area at the same time, for example if clips are used on my labia I cannot climax through clitoral stimulation (and as I cliamx easily normally this is very unusual for me) the two sensations become too much. If I have numerous intense sensations applied to me I cannot process them all and I get distressed as a result. So when I play casually I actually separate the sex and the S&M. I do get aroused by it, but it is a different high than a sexual high, related but different and satisfying in its own way to the point I do not require sex for completion, the play is enough. As a Top the arousal is mental rather than physical and exactly the same, I can get high, aroused and satified without requiring the sex or orgasm.

I very much doubt she is missing out on any fun, I certainly don't, and it sounds to me like you simply cannot understand how the two can be separated and are judging her based on your perception.

(in reply to outfreynpyretic)

Post #: 10

RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 7:43:37 PM

outfreynpyretic

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so i think its fair to say that i will confirm my conclusion that we are not a match, i just want to make sure as i realy enjoyed her company. i agree theres no right and wrong way to do this, i guess i just have never heard of someone not being turned on by it, this is a great learning experience.

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Post #: 11

RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 8:44:40 PM

Andalusite

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Why do you need for her to be turned on by it, if she is enjoying it, and you are getting what you need out of it?

When I have done casual play with someone I'm not dating, I specifically negotiate that I will yellow safe out if I get too aroused if I am bottoming or switching with someone. If I'm topping, I can just do something else for a while, so it's not an issue. I can get turned on from S/M and bondage, either giving or getting, but I don't want to feel that way about someone unless I'm romantically and emotionally involved. Even if it's someone I am interested in, I need to develop trust and an emotional connection before I orgasm with them. It's just not something I do casually.

The endorphins can be yummy in a non-sexual way, more floaty/glowing. Wrestling/playfighting can put me into a very primal, agressive state, being terrified can be thrilling if I am in a situation that allows for it, having my feet caned is very peaceful and meditative, etc. When I'm dominating or topping someone, it can be fun and playful rather than sexual.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 3/2/2009 8:48:48 PM >

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Post #: 12

RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 9:16:38 PM

peppermint

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From: Montana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: outfreynpyretic

so i think its fair to say that i will confirm my conclusion that we are not a match, i just want to make sure as i realy enjoyed her company. i agree theres no right and wrong way to do this, i guess i just have never heard of someone not being turned on by it, this is a great learning experience.

No one has said you and your partner are not a match. You just need to understand that her way of processing a scene is different from yours. If you enjoy her company, what's the problem? Our partners do not have to be a complete match in every way. Enjoying her company should count for a lot.

(in reply to outfreynpyretic)

Post #: 13

RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 9:29:24 PM

outfreynpyretic

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Joined: 2/10/2009
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Well I meant I enjoyed her company as a girlfriend, and wanted to share bdsm with her, but we disagree on things and since we disagree on the arousal/non-arousal aspect, it makes it very hard for me to enjoy it, as well as her. Not to mention we were not really a match for each other in the vanilla life either. We formally agreed after much consideration to just be friends. Thank you for the input though guys.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 14

RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 9:49:14 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
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quote:

ORIGINAL: outfreynpyretic

maybe im wrong on this, but i think if your not like wow thats hot or to that effect, your not doing it right or your not a match.
I understand some things are not sexual and can be enjoyable, but the whole picture ultimatly is always arousing to me even if im not aroused 100% of the time if that makes any sense.
Any thoughts on this, advice? anyone else like bdsm like an entertainment activity not aroused by it in any way?

You're way off base.

For me, and I'm guessing your lady friend, BDSM in all its many flavors isn't sexually arousing. I completely understand what she means when she says sex is something completely different. It's not about getting me wet, it's about me having ultimate control. If I can cause some sort of pain while I'm about it, so much the better. The "high" (for lack of a better term) isn't sexual. That doesn't mean I don't want it to be sexual for the sub -- I do. Her/his seuxal arousal is just another mechanism for me to take control. But I don't want to be sexually aroused, myself, during the scene.

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RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/2/2009 11:53:05 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: outfreynpyretic

so i came i conquered i successfully managed to find someone on this site to experience bdsm with and she is quite knowledgeable on different things like how to do things safely, how to tie in the right way, very professional i thought. ran into some confusion i just cant figure out and need some advice-
so I am very turned on and very aroused with bdsm not nessesarily that I want sex, but i beleive that the extreme arousal, that 'special' feeling is what its all about. my partner disagrees, says it is not a sexual thing to her at all, it doesnt have anything to do with arousal, sex or even talking sexually, and she has explained to me that when she is having sex its a completly different thing, she thinks nothing more then how she feels and has to concentrate very hard on simply how she feels to have an orgasm, and she doesnt have sexual fantasies.
I beleive that either she just hasnt experienced the WOWness sexual side of bdsm, and when we have a session that she tells me something is missing. everytime i try to explain what that is what i think, being turned on by it, she disagrees and just says some people are different and dont see it that way, just i think that she hasnt discovered it yet to tell the truth. maybe im wrong on this, but i think if your not like wow thats hot or to that effect, your not doing it right or your not a match.
I understand some things are not sexual and can be enjoyable, but the whole picture ultimatly is always arousing to me even if im not aroused 100% of the time if that makes any sense.
Any thoughts on this, advice? anyone else like bdsm like an entertainment activity not aroused by it in any way?

Is she your Domme?
Are you her submissive?
I see by your profile you are a switch.
Then my advise is to hold to your role closely and do not let the switch take place intra relationship like this. If you are her submissive enter into it 100% and stop topping her or questioning what she wants.
If you are both switches then decide who is topping who for that scene.
In my experience as a switch with a switch partner there were always four people in the room and it was a difficult dynamic.
No as a switch I am happiest in relationship with a diminant who has no switch qualities.
Being a switch has its own wonderful qualities don't get me wrong. Just as long as you are aware when your 'other' side starts to surface. Just my quid's worth.

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RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/3/2009 9:08:26 AM

EclipseAbove

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This is one of the few areas where people into BDSM fit perfectly into categories. There are only two types - those that find BDSM activities sexually arousing and those that don't. Sounds like you are in one category and she is in the other. One isn't better than the other and no one is missing out. You are just different. Either find a way to make it work or find someone who finds BDSM sexually arousing.

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Post #: 17

RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/3/2009 9:52:28 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

She isn't missing anything, she finds it satisfying to do this but not in a sexual manner. Don't insist she feels exactly like you do, just accept what she is saying. By telling her she doesn't know what she feels, you are calling her either stupid or a liar. Neither one of which is a nice thing to do.

She knows exactly what she gets out of this and for her, it isn't sexual. If you need that your partner finds this sexually exciting, then she isn't the right one for you and you aren't the right one for her. It really is that simple. Decide if you need your partner to be sexually aroused by this, if so say goodbye to this woman. If not, have the decency to accept that she knows what she wants and what she feels and continue.

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RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/3/2009 11:43:26 AM

Freyathelady

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Joined: 10/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite
The endorphins can be yummy in a non-sexual way, more floaty/glowing. Wrestling/playfighting can put me into a very primal, agressive state, being terrified can be thrilling if I am in a situation that allows for it, having my feet caned is very peaceful and meditative, etc. When I'm dominating or topping someone, it can be fun and playful rather than sexual.

Thank you. I'm so happy to see someone agrees with me. I do BDSM for the endorphin high and the power rush which I don't consider explicitly sexual. It certainly doesn't make me want to have sex. As a pro domme I post on Max Fisch a lot and this topic comes up ALL the time. You'd think the pros would understand BDSM as not exclusively sexual but strangely, if you say it isn't on those boards they call you out as a fake. It's a real relife to find others who feel the same way. Also, just because you don't feel the same way about sex or about BDSM doesn't mean you can't be a good match with someone. My life partner is not into BDSM at all but lets me do pro-domme work to feed my fetish kick. We also have very different ideas about straight sex. He's into phsycal variety and stimulation and I'm into sensual luxury and imagniative scenerios. We might seem very incompatible but have been together for eight years. Our relationship hasn't always been peacful on account of these diffrences but it has been very rewarding. True love is about compromise and sex or BDSM is no differnt.

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RE: not turned on by bdsm - 3/3/2009 12:29:10 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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OP, I have to say that I share your domina's perspective. For me, I get a thrill out of different activities but it isn't -sexual- for me... not at all. Case in point, one of the things that I really enjoy is piercing play. The BDSM community is only one of the communities in which I participate in this. I also participate as a member of body-mod, gothic, and 'freakfest' communities. It is compelling, but not sexual. Just because the person I'm working with is a part of the BDSM community doesn't change the way I enjoy piercing. It makes sense to me that someone from the BDSM end of things might be aroused by a piercing scene, but that doesn't mean that -I- am sexually aroused, or that I have any interest in sexual participation.

When I was exploring rope bondage and shibari, it was the same for me -- the -art- of it fascinated me, and the intricacy captured my attention, but my interest wasn't sexual... it was about the capacity for artistic composition, using the body and twisting and shaping it with rope... much in the same way that piercing is, for me, an artistic expression rather than a sexual one.

Flogging, for me, is also aesthetic/artistic... the shape and flow of the markings on the body... the composition of markings from different tools... it is an artistic process for me, rather than a sexual one... think of it more like painting using welts or needles, rope or blood...

Hope this makes sense.

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Post #: 20

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