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i'm lonely - 2/19/2009 5:29:38 AM   
slaveal


Posts: 8
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		i just started marriage counseling ,i have no friends or family to talk to .i dont know how to handle the pain  i feel right now.how do you continue living when your wife /lover of 18 years no longer cares about you .i feel so alone right now
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: i'm lonely - 2/19/2009 5:43:10 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		Get busy and stay that way. Seriously- that's how I deal with painful emotions. I find things to keep me occupied and I try to put all my energy into something positive. Things are really bad out there right now and there are a lot of people who could use a helping hand, a kind word and a shoulder to lean on. Volunteer-visit the elderly, walk dogs at a shelter, pass out toys at a children's hospital, sort cans at a food bank etc..... 

(in reply to slaveal)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: i'm lonely - 2/19/2009 5:56:15 AM   
subangi


Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline 		The pain is there....it takes time to go away.  Without knowing anything else about you...children?, career? etc, keeping busy is the key.  When I was feeling pain from love it lasted 2 yrs, though it was my choice to end it...a very damaging relationship.  I went to a group that shared similar problems.  Also, being in a certain frame of mind,  I felt as though I didnt want to function at all.  I made a schedule for myself...kept every minute of the day busy with multiple tasks.  I started a journal writing anything that came to mind. I made myself do something new just for myself once a week....manicure, started a work out regime, massage.  Being lonely I craved for attention and communication, yet, I had difficulty carrying on a conversation and thought process, and didnt reach out.  If you have no one to call or be with...then start chatting with others online...this is a good start for you....reach out. Damage to yourself is sitting there idle, not making yourself get up and move, bathing in the pain.  You will be surprised what results will happen if you pick yourself up and get busy!   

(in reply to slaveal)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: i'm lonely - 2/19/2009 6:11:18 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		Since being hooked on the CSI Grissom/Lady heather episodes(yeah I took a uh 5 episode marathon yesterday ahem ) then what was said in the last episode was toooooo true..
"most relationships are over before they end but it's still a death you mourn the loss..have conflicting emotions but often times there's a sense of relief, we've all experienced it but noone wants to admit it."
Just stay busy..indulge in your hobbies/work or with your kids (if you have those) if you don't have hobbies, look with an open mind and I'm sure you'll find something.

(in reply to subangi)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: i'm lonely - 2/19/2009 7:44:09 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveal

i just started marriage counseling ,i have no friends or family to talk to .i dont know how to handle the pain  i feel right now.how do you continue living when your wife /lover of 18 years no longer cares about you .i feel so alone right now


If you are in counselling, your counsellor may be able to recommend a group-sadly at times like this, friends pick sides before you even know its ending and they don't want to feel they are or want to be seen as getting involved. 
 
 
Subtlebutterfly gave you some good info ( that is one smart woman, I tell ya)--you have two choices, curl up and die, or face it and start to rebuild. If you have UM's they need consistency, attention and to know that a person can survive this. If not, find something to do, NOT DRINKING, NOT BINGE EATING, NOT DRUGS, NOT WATCHING HOURS OF TV--get out, do something, break a sweat, expend energy--you will feel so much better when you can get the endorphines flowing.
 
 

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to slaveal)
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RE: i'm lonely - 2/19/2009 7:44:59 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveal

i just started marriage counseling ,i have no friends or family to talk to .i dont know how to handle the pain  i feel right now.how do you continue living when your wife /lover of 18 years no longer cares about you .i feel so alone right now


Volunteer. Do something positive for people that have bigger problems than yours. Seriously.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to slaveal)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: i'm lonely - 2/19/2009 7:58:05 AM   
UncleNasty


Posts: 1108
Joined: 3/20/2004
Status: offline 		Staying busy and occupied is a good thing. But too much of a good thing is not. Doing that is a way to provide relief from our uncomfortable feelings. Too much of that and those feelings are never suitably or fully processed.

Your counselor/therapist will likely help you balance those out.

Uncle Nasty



(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: i'm lonely - 2/19/2009 9:56:14 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		Awww thank you CatdeMedici, coming from you it means alot!

(in reply to UncleNasty)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: i'm lonely - 2/19/2009 10:08:05 AM   
subfever


Posts: 2895
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveal

i just started marriage counseling ,i have no friends or family to talk to .i dont know how to handle the pain  i feel right now.how do you continue living when your wife /lover of 18 years no longer cares about you .i feel so alone right now


I'm just wondering here: If your wife no longer cares about you, why has she agreed to marriage counseling?


(in reply to slaveal)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: i'm lonely - 2/19/2009 10:38:56 AM   
subfever


Posts: 2895
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UncleNasty

Staying busy and occupied is a good thing. But too much of a good thing is not. Doing that is a way to provide relief from our uncomfortable feelings. Too much of that and those feelings are never suitably or fully processed.

Your counselor/therapist will likely help you balance those out.

Uncle Nasty





There's a lot of truth in what you say.

When I went through this many years ago, I kept myself so busy with work, a new relationship, and seeing my children at every opportunity allowed by the court, that I literally put the emotional homework (processing) of divorce on a shelf for two long years. When my subsequent relationship ended, I suddenly found myself with free time on my hands. Guess what finally came down hard off the shelf?

Ignoring the process doesn't make the need for it go away. Whether sooner or later, a little bit at a time or a lot at once, it will still have to be dealt with. I believe it is far better to face it head-on than to ignore it simply by "keeping yourself busy" all day long. I further believe that there are many people out there carrying around loads of unresolved issues from the past, to their great detriment.

There are excellent books out there that can help. It's been so long for me now, that I cannot recall the titles and authors of these books. However, I would imagine that any councelor worth his/her salt will be able to recommend good sources of information. In fact, this is how I came upon these self-help books myself. They were worth every penny I spent, and every minute of my invested time in them.

I'm not suggesting to wallow in self-pity and use processing as an excuse to be inactive, non-productive, or otherwise indulged in self-destructive behavior. But I am suggesting to face processing head-on, and allow a set amount of each day to deal with it.

One thing I can emphatically say to the OP, there is life after divorce. The skies will turn blue again.   

(in reply to UncleNasty)
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RE: i'm lonely - 2/19/2009 1:23:22 PM   
SummerWind


Posts: 314
Joined: 7/4/2007
Status: offline 		Vegas Baby.....

or...

ThisPlace  is right around the corner from you

(in reply to slaveal)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: i'm lonely - 2/19/2009 5:53:24 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		You said you feel lonely but maybe what you are really feeling is alone. You lost, in essence, your other half. You need to learn how to live life on your own, without your spouse and this probably frightens you. People in general are resistent to change, they like predictability and routine. You have to set new ones. This is why getting involved with some kind of activity will help - it will set up new patterns for you to satisfy that need. 

Emotionally you took a hard knock, like being punched in the gut and having the wind knocked out of you. You can't breath now but eventually, over time, when you heal, you will be able to breath again. Your gut may still be sore for a while though. 


_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to SummerWind)
Profile   Post #: 12
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