RE: Navigating Monogamy in a Sea of Poly

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RE: Navigating Monogamy in a Sea of Poly - 2/11/2009 4:31:03 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: feydeplume

I think we are saying the same thing here; poly is as much mis-used word with various definitions for different people and groups. I know what i mean and now i have a sense of what you mean, but that doesn't mean I know what anyone else means when they say "poly".

Definately.

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RE: Navigating Monogamy in a Sea of Poly - 2/11/2009 4:36:59 PM

LovingMistress45

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Michael,

I am curious as to how you are defining poly for your class. I am not sure how to respond as I am not sure what you mean by poly.

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RE: Navigating Monogamy in a Sea of Poly - 2/11/2009 5:51:16 PM

SimplyMichael

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I am really not going to go into definitions of what is and isn't monogamy. I am going to point out a few extremes and then talk about how it is important to discuss it between partners.

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RE: Navigating Monogamy in a Sea of Poly - 2/11/2009 6:08:19 PM

welcomerain

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quote:

I have to wonder if the issue isn't that guys you're encountering are "poly" per se, but that there are a large contingent of individuals, leaning a bit heavily, in my experience, into the male gender pool, who use the word "poly" to indicate that they're pre-planning infidelity to their partner -- ie., setting the partner up so that, later on, when they decide that the cookie they have isn't enough, and they get caught with their hands in the cookie jar, they can say "oh, but honey, I -told- you I wasn't monogamous".

This is not only dead-on accurate, but it's the best way of expressing it that I've ever heard.

Of course, I don't want to criticize people unfairly when they have honestly done their best to make a poly relationship work, but I think that such people are heavily outnumbered by people using the existence of polyamory as a license to cheat.

One of the things the OP was asking about how people deal with pressure to conform to a "poly" ideal. I think it makes a very big difference whether such pressure comes from genuine polyamorists (and there aren't really a lot of them) or from plain old cheaters.

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RE: Navigating Monogamy in a Sea of Poly - 2/11/2009 10:26:55 PM

Sexycelticlady

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I honestly don't know if I would call myself poly. My Sir is as He owns another slave back in the UK. At the moment Sir and I are apart due to circumstances outside of our control. He has given me permission to play with others but without sexual contact, a resitiction I always had with regard to casual play also. When I Top or Dominate others sexual contact using my hands on them is permitted. I do not alow them to touch me intimately. I think by some definitions people would consider me poly, but I don't, because I am committed to only one, my body is His. At the moment this means I am celibate as we are apart. I socialise in the scene by myself and only bottom to close friends.

Does the fact my Sir is poly automatically mean I am? I have no contact with His other slave but know about her and her family, as she knows about me. I have no jealousy towards her (something that surprised me) as my relationship with Sir is about the two of us and only the two of us.

I think the definition of poly does become blurry when casual scening is involved, with or without sexual contact. I personally do not see doing that as being less than monogamous with my Sir, neither does He.

I think that at the end of the day we make our own definitions. As long as both/all people in the relationship are aware of all the facts and have consented, I do not see it as a black and white question of monogamy/polyamoury, but rather a greyscale of circumstances unique to the partners themselves.

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RE: Navigating Monogamy in a Sea of Poly - 2/11/2009 10:28:41 PM

jim64

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My wife and I got into the lifestyle about a year and a half ago. Although we have met quite a few that are poly, we have never had any problems with this. We have been mono for 24 years. We enjoy playing with others, but sex is not part of it. I do see that the question of sex can occur when meeting and playing with others. Lust and desire are real factors in life. As far as monogamy is concerned that is an issue in the vanilla world as much as the kink. As for difficulties in the bdsm scene being more so than vanilla, I do not see the difference. There might seem to be more temptation, but that is an internal conflict.

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RE: Navigating Monogamy in a Sea of Poly - 2/12/2009 4:48:02 AM

Zechriel

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Good morning!
I don't see a sea of poly like the others have said, however, I DO see people playing with each other outside their one on one realtionship. If that is what you mean then yeah, it IS pretty much the norm and can get frustrating for those of us that only want one partner. It's not really poly but it sure as heck isn't monogamy. Not sure what you would call it.

My second Master didn't talk too much about it but after I was under consideration and found out that I had health issues that limited the scenes, changed the rules and kept right on looking for another slave, both on here and other sites. I didn't want that so I held firm and left. First he fought me, saying he would not let me go, then finally relented.

I need only one, can handle only one. My body is not for display to the public, nor something to be passed around like a candy dish. When I see younger, better bodied slaves/subs on here, yeah I get worried that they might offer my Daddy something young and fresh but I remind myself that he promised me monogamy. He stopped going to the parties and things when we started together, and neither of us have ever played in public or been to any clubs or joined any groups since. Maybe we're not active enough but oh well. It suits us. Our realtionship is different anyways, I am treated extremely well, like a princess and he like a king. I guess we both believe that pampering and spoiling breeds loyalty and love so the more we do that for each other, the more intense our realtionship becomes. And then we have no issues about trust or play scenes, cause everything is only for that one other person, no one else. Just my opinion.
Love,
Zechriel

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RE: Navigating Monogamy in a Sea of Poly - 2/12/2009 7:39:25 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: feydeplume

I just want to chime in on the many shades of poly part of this. If you and your S.O. have a friend with benefits (sex, bondage, playtime, or any other sexual/deeply intimate acts) then that IS a form of poly. There is a relationship, friendship, between the parties, and there is a physically intimate act occurring with that friend. There is also pressure on T/D/Ms and B/S/Ss to "play" with others in communities because the person has shown high skill with or at something and that is a form of "poly" pressure.

I guess for alot of people poly only means conventional sexual relations. I don't see it that way and I know a lot of other people see beating someone as a form of intimacy and potentially emotionally bonding.

I do not regard friend's with benfits or scening as poly automatically. When I was single and had FWB, they were not partners, their opinions didn't factor into my life decisions more than any other person and, frequently, less than most of my friends. Some of the people I had sex with many times and I definately didn't have a relationship and that was exactly how we wanted it. One of them I could barely stand to talk to when he wasn't screwing me.

A friend with benfits may be a poly situation. But it isn't automatically so - I would assume open. Scening, in my book, doesn't even require the relationship to be open. Then again, you use the phrase deeply intimate. For me, sex, scening, etc are not, in and of themselves, deeply intimate acts.

Thank you for getting what I was attempting to explain, Aquatic. Perhaps I wasn't making myself clear as to what I...in my worldview and no one else's...consider to be poly. The situations I described, similar to what you note above, do not mean poly to me. For me, poly means a direct involvement somehow in my life, my dynamic AND in my relationship in a way that extends beyond the various types of "FWB" mentioned. If I have a submissive and she is linked to me romantically as well as in a D/s manner and we decide to bring another into the fold of our "family"...whether it is her living with us or me/her playing with her on a BDSM/sexual level while running the gamut of, on the low end, simply influencing her thoughts about other dominants and submissives to, on the high end, controlling her thoughts and actions completely...we have now created a situation wherein their decisions/my decisions/my submissive's decisions influence the life situation of the three of us.

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RE: Navigating Monogamy in a Sea of Poly - 2/12/2009 8:39:20 AM

Amaros

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jim64

My wife and I got into the lifestyle about a year and a half ago. Although we have met quite a few that are poly, we have never had any problems with this. We have been mono for 24 years. We enjoy playing with others, but sex is not part of it. I do see that the question of sex can occur when meeting and playing with others. Lust and desire are real factors in life. As far as monogamy is concerned that is an issue in the vanilla world as much as the kink. As for difficulties in the bdsm scene being more so than vanilla, I do not see the difference. There might seem to be more temptation, but that is an internal conflict.

life is just a dream,
jim

The main difference I see in terms of Vanilla vs. kink/bdsm, is that Vanilla couples typically do not interact socially with singles to any great extent: married couples hang with married couples, it's a major complaint of divorced people that all their married friends stop calling them.

Since the kink scene is about kink, not marital status, I can see where a monogamous couple in a kink scene would encounter more singles and poly's - most of the monogamous couples are probably home in bed, it's going to be mostly the singles and poly's that are on the prowl.

Just a guess, there is really no "scene" where I live to speak of, though there is some swinging, but again, that's technically poly, and when I have been close to any kind of scene, the usual asumption is that when a couple shows up, they're looking to augment, however picky about whom they choose to augment with, or nebulous about how, they may be.

Of course that mainly applies to a more general sort of mixed kink milieu, as opposed to a strictly BDSM scene, where there are territorial protocols.

I think we can draw a line of division between active and passive augmentation, i.e., sexual vs. non sexual participation - some people just like to watch, etc., i.e., psychological participation as opposed to tactile.

On the flip side, Ive never been one of those people who consider one or two experiments definitive, i.e., if you try poly, a threesome or a swap or whatever, and don't like it, or even if you do like it, but only do it once a year or something, you're still essentially monogamous.

So the question would be, to what degree or extent does third party participation make you poly? i.e., strict monogamy vs., fundamentally monogamous.

Since it seems this is about orientation, how about "monogamously oriented"?

< Message edited by Amaros -- 2/12/2009 8:54:40 AM >

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RE: Navigating Monogamy in a Sea of Poly - 2/12/2009 4:21:54 PM

BondageBarbieX

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I am monogamous and have never had any trouble meeting men or people in general.I actually have no interest in sharing my lover with anyone and I am faithful to him.I am proud of being monogamous.

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