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Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 3:10:26 PM

precioussubmisve

Posts: 10
Joined: 1/17/2009
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If this comes across as me having a pity party, its honestly not meant to sound that way. But umm how the hell do you not get emotionally attached to the friends you make online if you talk to them almost everyday for 6 mths ? lol , that is a serious question , granted online relationships dont usually turn into anything and they shouldnt be expected to, but I always find myself expecting more than I know I'm going to get. For example I have been talking to a dom, he isnt my dom , just more of a mentor, a wonderful man who from what I can tell is legit, he talks with me, answers my questions, not once has he ever said anything about being my dom or that we would go further but I find myself now emotionally attached to him. We were talking about that today, not getting emotionally attached and he said I'm just going to have to learn how not to. Ok so now I'm confused, I just cant help but develop feelings for someone especailly if they show one ounce of caring for me, which may be stupid on my part. Not getting emotionally attahced is something I can not just turn off, but I guess I dont see it the way men do. I dont know, just thought I would throw this out there lol.

Post #: 1

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 3:15:27 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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I don't think that there is anything strange about coming to care about someone with whom you speak on a regular basis. What I think you are talking about is more a matter of boundaries and modulation; it seems as if you don't stratify your attachments. How does one work on such a thing? Diligently, across time, and with the certainty that one's work will be imperfect and the commitment to giving it another whirl when you f- up.
Best wishes,
Davan

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(in reply to precioussubmisve)

Post #: 2

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 3:19:43 PM

RedMagic1

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: precioussubmisve
Not getting emotionally attahced is something I can not just turn off, but I guess I dont see it the way men do.

I don't get emotionally attached to people I don't know in real life. I've known I wasn't a real dom for a long time. Now I know I'm not a real man, either.

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(in reply to precioussubmisve)

Post #: 3

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 3:31:12 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I personally just never have gotten attached to someone I have only known online. I need to know someone in real life, face to face, hang out with them on a regular basis, etc...to become anywhere near emotionally attached and even then only a select few people get that from me.

The only thing I can tell you is maybe to make some friends in real life? Try your hand at a few hobbies? Step away from your computer for a little while to get back to face to face interactions with other people?

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 4

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 3:31:13 PM

persephonee

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Its growing pains...it will get easier to do over time.

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Post #: 5

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 3:39:45 PM

precioussubmisve

Posts: 10
Joined: 1/17/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I personally just never have gotten attached to someone I have only known online. I need to know someone in real life, face to face, hang out with them on a regular basis, etc...to become anywhere near emotionally attached and even then only a select few people get that from me.

The only thing I can tell you is maybe to make some friends in real life? Try your hand at a few hobbies? Step away from your computer for a little while to get back to face to face interactions with other people?

I do not sit at my computer all day. I do have friends in real life and other hobbies, the reason I have people I talk to online about this part of me is because I have no one near me to share it with, I live in a super small town , the nearest big city is almost 4 hours away from me.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 6

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 3:51:18 PM

subsadi

Posts: 38
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline

I can relate to your frustration as you seem to be in a bit of a quandary as to why some people don't show as much of a connection as you might to them. Meaning that you make yourself available, show concern, offer a true friendship and are open and honest and don't always get that in return in the world wide web. Well some people just seem to be able to cut off or play down an on line relationship easier than others. Someone that simply says to you.."Well, just don't"

Well I can say its just not that easy either so I can relate, seeing that I met my partner on line and have several real on line relationships that I consider just as important to me in my life as real life people that I actually get to see. So I have no real answer as why some people discount on line relationships any less important than real life ones but I guess we just are one of those few people that take in all aspects of on line and real life and can invest in the person we connect with on what ever level your connecting..and that may be just on line or phone or even real life.

So don't let anyone tell you how to feel, just always look for red flags and read simple signs before you divulge personal information that make you feel an emotional attachment to someone on line and thats what its all about. You feel a connection of comfort..a bit of a bond and when you feel pushed aside..it hurts.

Invest in what you feel comfortable doing, just make sure you invest in something that makes you happy and gives you a sense of self worth. You should never feel bad for having emotion. Rest assure, you are normal ;)

Sadi

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 7

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 4:36:27 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

getting emotionally attached to someone on line is called a crush - because you don't really know them. and everyone gets crushes - at any age.
You eventually get over them.

(in reply to subsadi)

Post #: 8

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 4:45:59 PM

kinkytinkerbell

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/17/2009
Status: offline

I believe that online relationships can feel like the real thing and sometimes it is hard to get over them. You talk to that operson and if its over a good period of time you confide adn vent to that person and share little intimate secrets. Its like the real thing by leaving yourself vulnerable.

Kinky Tinkerbell

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 9

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 4:48:41 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

It obviously isn't just a man thing, because I don't become too attached to someone online either...man or woman. Seems alien to me when people do. Alien the kind way of saying 'it sounds nuts'.

(in reply to kinkytinkerbell)

Post #: 10

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 5:03:57 PM

angelwithhonor

Posts: 193
Joined: 5/16/2007
Status: offline

......how do you keep from getting emtionally attached with a real person in your life??...i think some ppl are better at it than others.not rusing in and falling fast... i have not been that person, i fall fast and crash hard..good luck

(in reply to kinkytinkerbell)

Post #: 11

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 5:07:26 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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You feel what you feel. I think that it isn't a matter of not getting emotionally involved, so much as it is about recognizing the limitations of the medium -- no matter how close we get to some of the people we meet over electronic media, there are liable to be limits to how far the relationship can go, due to things like distance and the personal lives of the people on the other end of the computer, as well as the realization that life can interfere with the capacity to be in contact. As an example, my daughter, who is heavily invested in several online communities, had an emergency at the end of the year and was suddenly and "inexplicably" offline -- it took us a couple of days to be in a place where we could let people know what was going on. It's one of the risks that one takes. I've seen people spend a year or so online, consistently, with a given group of people, and then just vanish off the face of the earth, never to be seen again.

You can't necessarily help feeling what you feel, and feelings are not wrong -- but learning to deal with the complications of the combination of the medium -and- ones feelings... well, that just comes with the territory.

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Post #: 12

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 5:09:53 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

You can get emotionally attached all you want, but if you allow that to be so, then you also have to take it with a grain of that's all you're going to have. Emotional attachment. And life will go on.

He has blatently told you that he wants to be nothing but an online mentor. Accept that, cherish the warm feelings and what you have learned and gained from him, and continue to grow. He's not the only fish in the sea.

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Post #: 13

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 5:11:34 PM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: precioussubmisve

If this comes across as me having a pity party, its honestly not meant to sound that way. But umm how the hell do you not get emotionally attached to the friends you make online if you talk to them almost everyday for 6 mths ? lol , that is a serious question , granted online relationships dont usually turn into anything and they shouldnt be expected to, but I always find myself expecting more than I know I'm going to get. For example I have been talking to a dom, he isnt my dom , just more of a mentor, a wonderful man who from what I can tell is legit, he talks with me, answers my questions, not once has he ever said anything about being my dom or that we would go further but I find myself now emotionally attached to him. We were talking about that today, not getting emotionally attached and he said I'm just going to have to learn how not to. Ok so now I'm confused, I just cant help but develop feelings for someone especailly if they show one ounce of caring for me, which may be stupid on my part. Not getting emotionally attahced is something I can not just turn off, but I guess I dont see it the way men do. I dont know, just thought I would throw this out there lol.

precious,

He is a mentor and as such he will not allow that attachment.

CP

(in reply to precioussubmisve)

Post #: 14

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 5:17:12 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

I can't begin to become emotionally attached to people I only know online. That said, I don't talk to people everyday online.. my offline life is way too busy to allow it. Perhaps, if this is something you don't care for, you should develop more emotional attachments and friends and interests offline?

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Post #: 15

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 5:30:18 PM

Huntertn

Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline

I have friends online that I've never met..some of them I've know for years and years.And yes..while I don't Dom them..they are special to me..and I live in a fair sized community..so what? The choices are your's to make..Huntertn

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 16

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 5:48:11 PM

BondageBarbieX

Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline

I don't get emotionally attached to anyone from online...friends yes but no emotional attachment at all.

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Post #: 17

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 6:09:46 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If you can't not get emotionally attached to a man you are talking to in a d/s manner, then don't talk to men who don't want you to become emotionally attached. Use this as a red flag that this isn't the right guy for you to talk to.

Instead of wasting your emotion and time on an online only guy who doesn't want what you want, say thanks but no thanks and go meet men who do want what you want.

Talk to them for no more than two weeks before meeting in real life. Two weeks won't get you hooked too deep, and then you can see if there is any chemistry to make it worth spending more time talking. If not, tell them there isn't any chemistry, wish them good luck on their search, and go forth with your own.

Do not waste time trying to turn yourself into something a man who doesn't want you wants you to be. Instead find a man who likes you just as you are and who does want you. Say goodbye to Mr Online and spend a couple of weeks dealing with your feelings, but don't get sucked back into his power.

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Post #: 18

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 6:13:43 PM

Sexycelticlady

Posts: 112
Joined: 7/20/2008
Status: offline

Emotional attachment online is natural, especially as you spend everyday speaking to him online. You have to recognise that it can go nowhere as and value it for what it is and no more. It is your choice how attached you become. You can control your part of the relationship. Accept its limits and enjoy the time you have with your mentor.

On a side note - it annoys me a great deal how others easily dismiss online relationships and attachments. Some of us do spend a lot of time on the computer due to work and personal choices. Unless you are particularly shallow then rarely does a deep attachment for someone form on the basis of their physical looks or physical interaction alone, it is people's minds that we connect with and that can be expressed as easily if not more easily online than face to face. In the best situation you get to meet the people you become friends with online, but that is not always the case. When I moved to the USA last year I did not have anyone I knew out here, I was a lone female in the middle of Los Angeles and figured that simply going blindly to different bar to meet people was a dangerous thing to do. The internet was a lifeline to finding out about the area and getting to know people. Those people are now my best friends and some of the most wonderful people I have met, including my Sir. Even thought my group of friends sees each other regularly, we still communicate mostly via the internet and I have several friends that I have never met but still care for. The best way to keep in touch with my friends in the UK is online and I am lucky to speak to them every few days. It is no reflection on a person's personal life away from the online community. Personally I would rather chat to friends on messenger than waste hours of my life watching the television.

(in reply to BondageBarbieX)

Post #: 19

RE: Not getting emotionally attached - 2/10/2009 6:27:28 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
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When you find the answer, please let me know. As someone said...it's probably growing pains.

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(in reply to precioussubmisve)

Post #: 20

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