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Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 4:17:08 PM   
Naberius


Posts: 98
Joined: 1/7/2009
From: Dalton, GA
Status: offline 		I am in a very close friendship with a non lifestyler. She has been through a nasty divorce and is headed back to the emotionally abusive ex-husband she left in August of last year. She feels lost in herself, that she didn't give the relationship enough time to work itself through, even though idiot (her ex) has emotionally and mentally abused her. She thinks she can change him, even though I have expressed that it's impossible to change a maggot if they don't wish to change, but yet she is stubborn. I have tried everything in the book that I know of to get her to see a different light. But she feels she owes the relationship of 18 years a chance. So, I am asking all of you, if you can shed some light on things or help me figure out a different approach to get her to see that her choice is dangerously wrong. Your input would be greatly appreciated. 

< Message edited by Naberius -- 2/9/2009 4:54:23 PM >

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 6:56:04 PM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		She's an adult?  You're not her father I gather?  It's none of your business. 

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 7:39:55 PM   
Naberius


Posts: 98
Joined: 1/7/2009
From: Dalton, GA
Status: offline 		Well, it is my business since she is a family friend and since she is living under my roof, I think that makes it even more my business. 

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 7:44:49 PM   
monywildcat


Posts: 452
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline 		Unfortunately, the ultimate decisions have to come from within your friend.  Only she will be able to make the choice that she's had enough of her estranged partner's nonsense and leave once and for all.  It's a very long lonely road, and many on the outside looking in have no idea how difficult it is to deal with an abusive spouse.  Support your friend, let her know that you are there for her, but sadly that is about the extent of what you can do. 

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 7:53:24 PM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

Well, it is my business since she is a family friend and since she is living under my roof, I think that makes it even more my business. 


She won't be living under your roof if and when she goes back to her ex.  All you can do is give your advice.  If she chooses not to take it, than it's not your business.  As far as being a family friend, so what?  I have a lot of "family friends."  I don't control them, and it's not mine or anyone's place to decide who or what is best for them.  If you choose to become pushy over the matter once her mind is made up, you'll probably lose your friend. 

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 8:14:07 PM   
TheHeretic


Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline 		     Love makes people stupid.  All your "advice" is going to do is cause her to default to defending him.  Butt out.

    

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 8:56:57 PM   
Naberius


Posts: 98
Joined: 1/7/2009
From: Dalton, GA
Status: offline 		Right, so I butt out, her family butts out and she dies. Love sucks, yes it does...that is why I never love to begin with..however, to give up on a life is just like murder and your just as guilty of it for not trying to prevent it.

< Message edited by Naberius -- 2/9/2009 8:57:38 PM >

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 9:00:19 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Naberius,
 
Do not get into a contest of wills with her.  That will only strengthen her determination.  Keep an open door policy so she has an out if and when she
wants to take it. 
 
Is there any police documentation on the physical violence?

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 9:55:58 PM   
Naberius


Posts: 98
Joined: 1/7/2009
From: Dalton, GA
Status: offline 		Oh yes and there is documentation of visits by the police department and even that of numerous neighbors complaining. I've considered letting the police know that she is returning, but instead notified some of her neighbors...a few of them have reason to hang the idiot in his front yard, so they were very willing to watch out for her as much as they can, but they can do little really.

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 10:14:22 PM   
sravaka


Posts: 314
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline 		That lost feeling can make people do stupid, desperate things.  I agree that arguing is only likely to make her more determined, but disagree that that means you should wash your hands of it if you feel action is necessary.  Could you perhaps convince her to speak to some who works with women who have been in abusive relationships or to visit a shelter or some such before she goes back?  They may have better ideas about how to get through to her.

Just a thought.  Good luck-- she's fortunate to have someone who cares enough to try.

< Message edited by sravaka -- 2/9/2009 10:18:29 PM >

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 10:20:08 PM   
winterlight


Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		I agree she is lucky to have a friend like you BUT some people just learn the hard way. I just hope it isn't the LAST way..

I hope i am making sense. I am about ready to fall asleep...

Some women just pick the wrong man or think they can change him.

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 10:27:33 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Well, keep up the documentation and contact with the neighbors.  Is she wanting to return because of her financial situation?  That is often a prime motivator.

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So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 10:35:35 PM   
TheHeretic


Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Naberius

Right, so I butt out, her family butts out and she dies. Love sucks, yes it does...that is why I never love to begin with..however, to give up on a life is just like murder and your just as guilty of it for not trying to prevent it.



         Oh my God...  What a load of self righteous crap.  So you are going to save her from herself, huh?  You have fun with that.

      Individuals have the right to ignore good advice, and make stupid decisions.  And they get to live with the consequences (or occasionally, not).

      Maybe part of the problem is that she'd rather be with an abuser, than deal with the good advice under your roof?  You have such a calm, persuasive way of making your case 

     To expand on my original reply, back off, and butt out. 


       

< Message edited by TheHeretic -- 2/9/2009 10:51:18 PM >

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That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.


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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 10:51:00 PM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		I have a strong feeling that this is more about unrequited love than concern for the woman's safety. 

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 10:54:36 PM   
Hippiekinkster


Posts: 5512
Joined: 11/20/2007
From: Liechtenstein
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Naberius

Well, it is my business since she is a family friend and since she is living under my roof, I think that makes it even more my business. 
True. But it's not. Best thing you can do is be a friend when the inevitable happens.

My way of thinking, these days, is to help her (him, it, whatever) get the confrontation done as soon as possible. That way it doesn't have time to fester.

It's like being in a petri dish. The dish has already been inoculated. Your task is to make sure that the initial colony doesn't mutate into something which crawls out of the container, and poisons everyone in proximity to the container. The best way to do that is to get right up in the mold's (bacteria's/virus'. etc.) face and say it stops here.

That's the Template. The details vary, always, but are always quite similar. Have fun!

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 10:57:11 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		 
quote:

very willing to watch out for her as much as they can, but they can do little really.


read this.. remember it.  It applies to you also.


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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 11:23:34 PM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

I have a strong feeling that this is more about unrequited love than concern for the woman's safety. 


Yep.  Another "nice guy" that is no such thing. 

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/9/2009 11:33:22 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Until she values herself enough to take care of herself, there is nothing you can do, and the more you pressure and advise her, the more you risk alienating yourself from her.  If all you have described is not reason enough for her to stay away from him, there is nothing you can do, short of locking her up in your house and not letting her out. 

Sad, but true.  This is an issue for her that goes much deeper than anything a loving friend can bail her out of.  She'll have to want to bail herself out.  A good therapist can help her with that.


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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 12:40:26 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Some people thrive on dysfunctional relationships/negative behaviours and it seems that your friend is fully aware of the guy's faults. The fact she still thinks, after all this time, that she can miraculously change him into someone that will respect her means that she's is more than prepared to continue playing the victim by continuing to allocate blame solely on that person rather than learn why it is she continues to ignore her own issues - another reason why she ignores her own is b/c there is always someone who will come riding to her defence, giving her the support/reassurance she requires at that time... until she needs another 'fix'. It's addictive behaviour and one you cannot alter. All the while people are telling her to remain absent from him, encouraging her to leave him for good the more she's going to see him as being someone who needs her.

All you can do is provide support, but without becoming involved in the dramarama of the situation.

< Message edited by MissMorrigan -- 2/10/2009 12:41:50 AM >

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 2:29:34 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Naberius

Right, so I butt out, her family butts out and she dies. Love sucks, yes it does...that is why I never love to begin with..however, to give up on a life is just like murder and your just as guilty of it for not trying to prevent it.


Just checking.... has he been physically abusive to her....you mention emotionally and mentally abusive but in the above quote you imply that if she moves back she will die.

I can understand you wanting to keep her safe however she will make her own decisions, you cannot force her to go talk to someone or to not move back with him if she is determined to do so.  It would be wiser for you to be supportive, remind her that you are there for her if she ever wants to talk, that you will be non-judgmental (no one likes hearing someone say "I told you so") and that she has somewhere to come if things don't work out for her.  This isn't you giving up on her, it is about you recognising that she can and will make her own decisions at the time that she feels is right for her.


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