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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 2:43:33 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		First of all you come here, ask for advice, then snap at the advice you don't like---what's with that? Not everyone is going to give you rosey accolades for trying to be Mr Superhero--
 
Now, having been a police officer specializing in domestic violence---butt your ass out.  Someone like that is on a self destruct path---her need to return to an alleged abusive situation runs much deeper than any words you can impart--that's why we have shelters, counsellors etc.  The police will laugh you out of the station for running to tell them she is going back---have you not looked at the news, they have much bigger fish to fry than someone who can't make smart decisions--and yes, they will only care when one more 911 call is made or she is dead---sorry, that's life--we do expect people to be somewhat responsible.
 
Dragging a myriad of uninterested parties into this fray isn't the answer, it just exposes innocent people to become potential victims.
 
You indicated you were in a very close relationship--back away-if this isn't a blood relative of immediate family---back away--everytime you offer her solace, shelter, comfort you are an involved with alienation of affection--you are obviously way too close to be cool headed and objective.  I am sure the Prince Charming in you wants to ride to the rescue--you can't. You've done what you can, she makes the decision to return--its hers and there is nothing you can do to stop it--however, IF she leaves again, get her to a shelter and some counsellng, after time passes THEN you might be able to offer your "closeness" without becoming a statistic.
 
Stop playing the, "but I am better for you than he is"--it never ends well.

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(in reply to Naberius)
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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 5:02:17 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		She is caught in a vicious cycle that happens to many abused people. They just cannot walk away. Unfortunately she may never leave this relationship as long as she has a support net to catch her. I know you want to help your friend but as long as you put up with this behavior from her it will continue to enable the cycle to continue. You may have to put your foot down this time and tell her if she goes back then she better make the relationship work somehow someway because she cannot keep running to you if she isn't going to try and better her life. Sounds tough? Yes it is but sometimes that is what it takes.

Good luck,
~Lashra


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(in reply to Naberius)
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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 6:27:02 AM   
VirginPotty


Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

very willing to watch out for her as much as they can, but they can do little really.


read this.. remember it.  It applies to you also.



Amen Mrs. Commander.

I don't understand why some of you folks are bashing the OP? Sure, it's usually wise to mind your own business when it comes to affairs of the hearts w/friends & family but if the situation is abusive then it's time to make it your business.
That's a whole different ballgame then if the friend found her spouse cheating. No threat of life there, therefore no more than a quick, "WTF are you doing going back to him for"??
Do you folks want the OP to start another post in a month stating that he listened to your advise & now his friend is either dead or permanantely disfigured?
OP, do what you need to do for your friend. I applaud your efforts.

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 6:37:32 AM   
subangi


Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline 		Sometimes a woman in an abusive relationship still feel that control he has over her.  Its hard to shake. Also the feeling of guilt thinking"if i would have done this, or shouldnt have said that".  I would find a domestic violence group near her, and encourage her to at least attend a couple meetings.  Its amazing when you truly find out that you have become brainwashed from the abuse, and in these groups, they walk you through the process of realizing that, and build up your self esteem to know that it isnt a healthy relationship and that you deserve better.  You can attend this with her and be the crutch that might save her life.

(in reply to VirginPotty)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 7:31:47 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		As someone who was in an abusive relationship (mentally, emotionally, sexually and physically) for several years and went back more than once, all you can do is express your concerns and, if you choose, be there if it goes bad and she reaches out. You cannot and will not stop her if she is determined to return. I didn't finally, permanently end the relationship until it took the cops to get him out and put where he couldn't come back. You can care, you can be worried, you cannot force her to not return to him if that is her choice.

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(in reply to subangi)
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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 9:35:24 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Naberius

Well, it is my business since she is a family friend and since she is living under my roof, I think that makes it even more my business. 


So she is living under your roof....she is still an adult, right? You have obviously made your feelings known to her. Now it is up to her to make her own decisions. Whether or not she takes your opinion into mind is up to her.

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 10:24:16 AM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		fr

Women, gotta love em.They can be so sweet, then sometimes moody, really make life interesting, but they can be the stupidest creatures walking the face of the Earth.

They will go back to guys who abuse them both mentally and physically, and keep doing so possibly until they are dead, whether by his hand or not. Sometimes I wonder if some have masochistic tendencies but have never found a healthy way to to explore it, unlike many of us.

I don't want to jump to conclusions either, but if I were in a relatioship with a Woman always beating on me and berating me, the choice would be clear. Either beat the fuck out of her or leave, most likely leave. In other words Men rarely have this problem. Why ?

My say is this, don't fight it. You can't. When people are rational and cognizant of the situation they can be reasoned with. This is not rational, and there is no way in hell I could impart the advice to fight that. Not only do I not have the information to make such a change, you probably don't have it to give me either.

I have studied a bit, in my judgement you need to wait for something to happen, like for him to put her in the hospital or something. Only then will your words carry some weight. Until then she will continue to make the same mistakes over and over, as people do all the time.

Analysing all the situation and coming up with a way to convince her ? Well the chances are slim and none, and slim might've left town. Any strong attempt is likely to alienate her from you and if that's not what you want, you'll have to grin and bear it.

Either that or for a reasonable fee me and the boys could put his ass in the hospital, but again, slim left town. Consequences teach. When this abusive MF really gets a bad bad ass whipping he might change, but not until. That's what it took for me, and that's what it took for alot of people I know. When death stares you in the face, you tend to rethink your attitude. But not until.

Human nature. Wish I could be of more help. I just can't reach down inside of someone's mind from a keyboard possibly half way around the world.

T

(in reply to thishereboi)
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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 10:27:02 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		She put up with that shit for 18 years?
You don't  and can never "go back" you move ahead.

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 11:20:49 AM   
Naberius


Posts: 98
Joined: 1/7/2009
From: Dalton, GA
Status: offline 		First and foremost...let me shortly address the snappiness of my former posts. I have no patience for people who only have air between the ears. Secondly, I worked as a suicidologist for a few years but only helped males of all ages, not women nor do I have experience with abuse d women. The mental abuse of women differ greatly from that of males, so again I am at a loss as to what to do. However, after receiving some intelligent words both here and in my email, I'll back off some. She knows she is to call me if things get sticky, if she needs someone to listen, or just wants me to hear her cry and most of all, her brother and I will be on call any time of the day to go and pick her up and bring her her back home which is her father who is far too old to travel.

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 12:20:45 PM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		It's the most difficult thing in the world being a friend to someone who repeatedly subjects themselves to domestic abuse.

Your friend knows she has your full support, which is why she came to you and I'm sure she understands she'll be able to do so again should she ever need you. It's so damn easy for us to play armchair psychiatrists and offer our advice especially with very few details and without knowing the person or her actual situation to which even you are ignorant of in some areas (you can only go what your friend tells you and in times of duress, we tend to relay information that is highly emotionally biased).

I have a very good friend I love dearly, I sometimes have cried myself throughout the night for sheer worry for her when I know she has retreated into herself and I do that b/c I am impotent in such a situation. All I can do is offer my support without judging her but it's the most trying thing to do especially when one part of you wants to help them help themselves, another wants to shake them silly in the hope they'll come to their 'senses', as for the other, it wants to beat the shit out of the person abusing them... until, the stark reality of the situation is that they are abusing themselves first and foremost, and all you can do is point them in the right direction - whether they go is entirely up to them. In my friend's situation, it's a lifelong cycle of abuse, one that will never be broken but it's one she feels 'safest' in.

Good luck to you, Naberius and I sincerely hope your friend finds the courage to break that cycle.

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RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 4:10:41 PM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

Secondly, I worked as a suicidologist for a few years but only helped males of all ages, not women nor do I have experience with abuse d women.


What the fuck is a "suicidologist?"  No my friend, your scam attempt won't go away that easily. 

(in reply to Naberius)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 4:19:00 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		stay the heck out of it...........and be there to support her if she ever needs you.....

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yep

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/10/2009 4:49:26 PM   
pissdoll


Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Naberius

I worked as a suicidologist for a few years



if indeed you worked as a suicidologist, and were truly concerned about this woman, why would you be on collarme consulting with the masses and not with various therapists you undoubtably studied under????



(in reply to Naberius)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/11/2009 1:59:29 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

quote:

Secondly, I worked as a suicidologist for a few years but only helped males of all ages, not women nor do I have experience with abuse d women.


What the fuck is a "suicidologist?"  No my friend, your scam attempt won't go away that easily. 


Sometimes people who work in prevention, intervention and postvention (what to do afterwards eg. discouraging students from making memorials to a classmate that has suicided) call themselves suicidologists.  I am a member of a great information list-serv by the American Association of Suicidology and am spewing that I miss being in the US for their conference in April by a week.

I do agree with Pissdoll that if the OP has worked in that particular area it is strange to find him coming to a bdsm website to ask for information rather than consulting with more appropriate and knowledgeable people (um not that we aren't all edumacated and stuff)

OP the support that people need regardless of their gender remains the same (in my opinion) .... be non-judgemental, listen to them as opposed to telling them what you think they should be doing and be there for them for support. 

My thoughts are with your friend




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(in reply to slaveboyforyou)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Friend headed for trouble - 2/11/2009 3:31:54 AM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Naberius
Well, it is my business since she is a family friend and since she is living under my roof, I think that makes it even more my business.
I love people who can rescue troubled souls, but it seems she was having more fun at the old place than where she is now.    Advise, but get out of the way, before you get yourself in trouble with her man.    M

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The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to Naberius)
Profile   Post #: 35
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