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RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 11:00:47 AM

bamagirl4u

Posts: 151
Joined: 12/25/2008
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*ouch* a lot of criticism...i don't think it is bad to have been written as a Dominant. You are writing what you perceive submission to be. There are some things i would change, but all in all...You wrote what you felt. Wrong for others is right for you...at least you didn't mention submission as a gift...that really rattles this girls cage...Take care..

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Post #: 21

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 11:13:58 AM

sravaka

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Hi feydeplume,

Absolutely agreed that the first flush is often soppy (great word) and there's something quite delightful and charming in that, imo... but I see no sop here, personally. I wonder how many new submissives address their praise and wonder to "Submission" in the (intermittently weirdly personified) abstract?

(maybe another lil hint there, secretmaster)

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Post #: 22

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 11:34:50 AM

feydeplume

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have you READ any homepages or journal entries from one twoo way young women? I once (yes i am masochistic) waded through a three page "ode" to her gift of Submission. Did she have a partner, no. Insomnia holds many evils for the masochist and I read though her whole little website. she has just finished reading book two of sleeping beauty and had all kinds of naive but sweet ideas about submission for the sake of submission.

And don't we see that here too, from new people asking questions that we can directly relate to one book or another?

but yeah, I would make it more soppy and day dreamy if the poem were from someone young and new to the idea *what rhymes with forever?*.

But i do think, depending on the story line and characters, that a poem is a good/accurate thing to include.

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Post #: 23

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 12:32:40 PM

sravaka

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laughing... I guess I need to take my own advice and start reading. But I don't think I have your fortitude. :-)

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Miseries hold me fixed, and I would gladly cut these roots to become a floating plant. I would yield myself up utterly, if the inviting stream could be relied upon. --Ono no Komachi

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Post #: 24

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 12:48:11 PM

feydeplume

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Or my horrible insomnia and perhaps picked better topics for term papers and expository papers.

my advice? Avoid them at all costs unless you really want to be frightened by what goes on in people's heads and just how bad the American school system is at teaching writing and comprehension.

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Post #: 25

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 1:44:03 PM

allthatjaz

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Steve and me are always writing things to each other and I love the romance of that, especially if its only days after a particularly emotional scene. We write little messages on our walls at home (yeah we are odd people that hang out in a converted bunker!) to each other. Yikes I hope we are not deemed as too old to be doing this

P.S we don't write anything that rymes!

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Post #: 26

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 1:53:47 PM

feydeplume

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Joined: 12/24/2008
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my M writes me sweet things in my email from time to time or puts a note on the fridge ( i get up before he does so he knows i will see it)

He also does amazingly sweet things like put my slippers near the fireplace so they would be warm when i put them on. This might not sound like much, but he just had his ankle rebuilt (and i do mean rebuilt; bone grafts, steel, etc) and was sitting by the fire while i got things ready for a bath for him (yes i stripped naked, no point getting my clothes wet just to wash his hair) and he thought, despite the pain and pain pills, to warm my slippers for when i got dressed again.

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Post #: 27

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 2:40:57 PM

stella41b

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Just write from within and never ask for advice or criticism, because you will get as many suggestions as there are people.

You will end up confused. Then when you end up really confused you will probably turn to politics and start wanting to become a politician.

Trust me, never ask for advice as a writer. Just write. Keep writing until people start reading what you write.

That's how you become a writer.

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Post #: 28

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 2:43:35 PM

Prinsexx

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: secretmaster22

Oh sweet Submission
how you change my hearts condition.
One simple whisper in my direction
and my heart fills with pure affection.

How can this be?
Was I too selfish to see
that there was only one way to be found?
And that’s to let my heart be bound,
to lose myself in your love
so that I might rise above
all the chaos of this crazy place,
instead looking deeply into your beautiful face.

Without you happiness is fleeting,
but with you my heart keeps beating.
My joy is now found in yours.
I humbly fling open those doors
to my body, mind, heart, and soul
and make your desire my ultimate goal

Oh sweet sweet submission
how deeply you’ve changed my hearts condition!

In my opinion it's a switchy poem....'how you changed my hearts condition....'
I think your poem objectifies submission, makes it a thing separate from experience....whereas in my experience (what else) that's all there is really...an experience, which I was having and searching for and seeking long before I indeed ever knew what it was called.
And your poem supposes it is a happy experience...which of course on balance it often is...but you know often it is just plain painful and the happiness comes after the experience of submission in the form of having served.
And not always humble either... as I find power in my submission..I find a place where and when I feel powerful...a power that I can allow a transfer of lets say...as it feels like enabling a dominants power to take shape...but rarely humble. Indeed it takes quite a fair bit of humiliation and or punishment to humble me...

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Post #: 29

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 2:49:32 PM

lusciouslips19

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Joined: 9/8/2007
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Edited cause i didnt read enough first.

A poem should not be cliche. Something everyone wrote but if you like it, so be it. As long as you find one who finds it great, it will work. But I would say be a human when seeking a sub and dont rely on cut and paste poetry that is one size fits all.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 2/10/2009 2:55:57 PM >

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Post #: 30

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 2:52:54 PM

lusciouslips19

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Joined: 9/8/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I personally don't see how the poem related to submission...It could have been about pizza. Do you have any poems about pizza? I really like pizza. Even though I live in Chicago, home of deep dish, I prefer thin crust pizza. I eat pizza at least once a week.

It would be nice if you were to write a poem about pizza. Most people have very strong feelings about pizza. Poems about pizza are always well received. Do you have any poems about pizza?

When the moons in your eye like a big Pizza Pie, thats Amore...

How dat?

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Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 31

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 3:07:04 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sravaka

It's a little known fact that the best, perhaps the only way to learn to write, is to read. I suggest you put down your pen, and get working on that.

In fact, give me the pen. Back sloooowly away from the pen. Someone's going to lose an eye, probably as result of having plucked it out after exposure to this experiment. I know I had to avert mine before I'd finished the 2nd line.

Above all, stick to prose until you develop at least a faintly informed notion of what a poem is. (Hint: short lines and rhyming are neither necessary nor sufficient conditions.) Here in particular, reading is your friend.

I was attempting to conjure a way to express my thoughts on the literary jaunt offered for consideration when I found sravaka's dead-on post. Wonderfully stated!
I will add, as some others have highlighted, that there is a detachment to your consideration of submission; you don't have the head-space. You're showing that you've contemplated the concept academically and tossed some lofty thoughts/emotions at it but a grasp of submission this does not make.
If you typically write and you've received the feedback that you are adept, perhaps the stilted, overly rigid and awkward gait is evidence of your not 'getting' that which you contemplate.
Best wishes,
Davan

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Post #: 32

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 4:29:55 PM

nafakcha

Posts: 81
Joined: 12/28/2008
From: Melbourne, FL
Status: offline

After reading what everyone else has suggested, I think for the most part I am going to modify my original comments, M:

1. Please make it stop rhyming. Your non-rhyming work is so much better (hoping to finish the novel this trip).
2. Lines of a poem do not have to be short nor do they have to be the same length
3. You have a bit of a dominant personality trying to overtake what is supposed to be a submissive's poem. It makes the poem confusing. I really don't know how to explain it other then the direction of each verse is different making the poem feel disjointed.
4. Define who and what "you" is in the poem (or at least in Your head). Is it the act of submission or is the Dominant the submissive is submitting to?
5. I really don't like the word condition but that's me.
6. I get the impression that there are verses missing to complete the thought of the poem (you mention things that could be worked into the final poem - like the chaos of this place - that are just dropped.)
7. I don't think you have successfully related to a submissive's headspace. For what you have described you aren't communicating the deeper significance behind the actions and events described. Think about it and I think (especially when you removing the rhyming) you will find the poem conveys the thoughts and emotions you are trying to.

YwL

Keiko

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Post #: 33

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 6:09:33 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Do you have any poems about pizza?

I arrive in a box, hot and crusty.
Slice me any way you wish,
I bleed tomato and oil on your fingers.
Take the best of me for your feast,
Save what’s left to gnaw on for breakfast.
For thirty dollars plus tax and tip
I am yours.

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(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 34

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 6:14:14 PM

feydeplume

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Joined: 12/24/2008
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you rock! and now i am hungry... and slightly um. Thanks for a new kink!

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Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 35

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 6:24:18 PM

monywildcat

Posts: 452
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline

Oh man, now I wish I had gone with my first thought and ordered pizza for dinner...extra mushrooms please. Bleeding tomato and all.

I don't really like poems that rhyme. It's not necessary for good poetry. Or even a hallmark card. I do have to indentify with the line about "my joy is found in yours". Knowing and seeing that I have done (or in some cases, not done, like cleaning out Daddy's car when absolutely forbidden to do so) something that makes him happy, that makes me all warm and glowy inside.

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Post #: 36

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 6:27:35 PM

catize

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Joined: 3/7/2006
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Thanks and you’re welcome!
**laughs** yeah, ordering pizza will never be quite the same, will it!???!

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"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to feydeplume)

Post #: 37

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 6:29:46 PM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline

sooo girl's pizza night? Cheaper and more fun than a Chippendale and oh so calorie free when shared with friends.

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 38

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 6:50:14 PM

secretmaster22

Posts: 85
Joined: 12/26/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

As a writer, it's important to get into peoples heads, but you cannot fully understand nor express it without investigation. The poem itself doesn't relate to submission, but your thoughts on what submission is. To write about it, the best writers have first hand experience on their subject and study it.

The poem itself is badly structured. It doesn't flow in any direction. It's more like four seperate poems. Look at it like that, and they read better.

And don't think you have to make it rhyme.

the.dark.

I don't write much poetry and have found the few things I have written that i tried to rhyme sounded horrible and cheesy, so I think you are totally right.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 39

RE: Seeking some advice from submissives - 2/10/2009 6:55:28 PM

secretmaster22

Posts: 85
Joined: 12/26/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: secretmaster22

Oh sweet Submission
how you change my hearts condition.
One simple whisper in my direction
and my heart fills with pure affection.

How can this be?
Was I too selfish to see
that there was only one way to be found?
And that’s to let my heart be bound,
to lose myself in your love
so that I might rise above
all the chaos of this crazy place,
instead looking deeply into your beautiful face.

Without you happiness is fleeting,
but with you my heart keeps beating.
My joy is now found in yours.
I humbly fling open those doors
to my body, mind, heart, and soul
and make your desire my ultimate goal

Oh sweet sweet submission
how deeply you’ve changed my hearts condition!

In my opinion it's a switchy poem....'how you changed my hearts condition....'
I think your poem objectifies submission, makes it a thing separate from experience....whereas in my experience (what else) that's all there is really...an experience, which I was having and searching for and seeking long before I indeed ever knew what it was called.
And your poem supposes it is a happy experience...which of course on balance it often is...but you know often it is just plain painful and the happiness comes after the experience of submission in the form of having served.
And not always humble either... as I find power in my submission..I find a place where and when I feel powerful...a power that I can allow a transfer of lets say...as it feels like enabling a dominants power to take shape...but rarely humble. Indeed it takes quite a fair bit of humiliation and or punishment to humble me...

Good point about humility!

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 40

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