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RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/10/2009 11:43:13 AM

Maxwell67

Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrisonRough
Recently I was assaulted (during a mugging) and I've been having a very difficult time getting over it - and while my mistress and master have been very understanding it has thrown the entire household off because I'm having trouble submitting.

Before anyone says it - know that my family (being my master and mistress) are not pushing me to do anything I don't want to do and have been extremely understanding, it's me that is upset by the situation. I want to submit like I have always wanted to submit but once I get to that point I get scared. I've talked to them and they've told me to take my time and go at my own pace - but I'm so frustrated with my own pace!

I tried talking to a therapist but it seemed like my lifestyle was so over their head they just couldn't help. Does anyone have any advice?

Any traumatic experience, even some that seem in the aftermath to have been relatively innocuous it still just that: traumatic. And healing from that takes as long as it takes. There is no timetable for recovery. Your worrying about that is only making it harder, so stop. Relax (as much as you are able) and give yourself the time you need without any expectations. Just because you did not click with one therapist do not give up hope on therapy. Find another and if that doesn't click, another.. until you meet one that is right for you.

You have a family that cares and is patient so already you are ahead of the game. Do not be afraid to keep trying (and failing, if that is what happens) to submit as you have done and just free yourself of expectations. Let what happens happen and trust your family to understand. That is what family is for. Submission is a journey in which you ought to learn about yourself. Keep learning.

_____________________________

Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to PrisonRough)

Post #: 21

RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/10/2009 11:56:52 AM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

Your survival instincts have been triggered, it's a good thing, it's as primal as your urge to submit - essentially, one is generally submissive precisely in exchange, service for protection, and if you feel you've been let down, even subconsciously, it's going to interfere with your ability to submit - I'm not a therapist, but your reluctance to submit simply reflects your heightened need for control, control over your environment - i.e., if they have failed to protect you, then you need to protect yourself - I might suggest self defense classes, even Yoga or some other form of self disciplining physical activity, which should help put you back into a more comfortable emotional space.

< Message edited by Amaros -- 1/10/2009 12:02:30 PM >

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 22

RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/10/2009 12:44:13 PM

cagliostro

Posts: 128
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline

Relationships, especially D/s relationships are built on trust. In order to trust you have to feel safe around someone. You don't feel safe because you were attacked, so it's totally natural not to trust, and consequently not want to engage in BDSM play. It's going to take time to get "back to normal." It just will. And it's predictable that you'd be frustrated with the pace. It's also possible that you may never return to what you think of as normal. I have sh!t in my past that I may never get past. It's been decades now, and it's still there. So I know how frustrating it can be. PTSD and all dissociative disorders are really goddamn annoying. I can only tell you what I've been told a million times. It's your body and mind's way of protecting you. It's not as smart as you want it to be, but it's there in an attempt to help you. And you have to try to appreciate what it is trying to accomplish for you. So far, my appreciation is minimal, and it continues to suck. It helps to try to accept what has happened to you, and "make peace" with it. We have a tendency to push things like that away from us and not feel them, because it feels bad. But the old zen advice "be one with your shit" does help, at least a little. You are really lucky in that you have two people who care so much about you, too. So at least you don't have to go it alone.

Hope that helps at least a little.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 23

RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/10/2009 1:43:18 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

get another therapist

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to PrisonRough)

Post #: 24

RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/10/2009 1:43:28 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyIsaac

Oh come on now...you got mugged, so now you're having a hard time submitting?

Why do you feel this need to connect a random act of violent theft with submitting to a couple? If you stand back and think about it its clear the entire correlation is bunk.

I mean, I know that may not work out so clearly from an emotional point of view, but put the past in the past and focus on the future. Thats what I'd do.

And where exactly did you receive your degree in psychology from?

It doesn't take a genius to understand that when a physical action (i.e. being beaten) becomes associated with a negative event (i.e. being mugged) new neuro-pathways are formed and it's likely that a future beating, even in the "good way" by one's dominant will trigger flashbacks to the moment of intense fear and panic during the traumatic event. It's very simple to say "the past is the past" until you've experienced an event that you just can't get rid of no matter how much you know you're not in danger anymore. Many of us have been there and as LP's clip mentioned, it's present to at least some degree among most soldiers who've fought, so what makes you think you can just tell someone to get over it and that's going to work?

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to SimplyIsaac)

Post #: 25

RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/10/2009 1:51:51 PM

Midgie

Posts: 22
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Arizona
Status: offline

Oh honey. Just take your time. Talk about it, and use the link that was given earlier to find a better therapist.

It sounds like you have a very loving and understanding family. Go at your own pace.

_____________________________

What do you say?

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 26

RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/11/2009 7:00:43 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyIsaac
Why do you feel this need to connect a random act of violent theft with submitting to a couple? If you stand back and think about it its clear the entire correlation is bunk.

I have to disagree with the idea that it is bunk. A random act of violence is going to make some people feel out of control of their lives and they may seek to regain the feeling that they are in control. Continuing to give authority over their life to someone else may prevent or limit how in control they feel about their lives. As a result they may resist submitting to the will of someone else. It won't effect everyone this way, but this will happen to some.

Random acts of violence can be very traumatic and have long lasting impacts on people's lives. Thirty-three years later, I am still having flashbacks to a random act of violence. I don't spend my life focused on the past, but that doesn't change the triggers that have been set in my mind.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to SimplyIsaac)

Post #: 27

RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/11/2009 7:27:21 AM

YoursMistress

Posts: 894
Joined: 12/17/2008
Status: offline

A therapist with a specialty in sex or sex addictions will likely have experience in dealing with D/s and may be able to help with your specific problem and in a way that's comfortable and credible for you.

yours

_____________________________

May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 28

RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/11/2009 8:03:15 AM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

Well done Kyra.
The people best able to understand the psychology of a situation are often the people who have been through something similar themselves.
I was an abused child. I came into the lifestyle as a submissive. I was looking for a man who didn't abuse me but I didn't find one. My first real experience of pain woke me up to the fact that I was not at all submissive. I was resentful. I still am. My nature is dominant but I was seeking love. How does this relate I hear you thinking. Just maybe the non consensual act of violence has woken you up to the fact that you no longer want to submit to pain. Why should you? You don't have to. I hope there are some people who will care for you just because you serve them well. Your family may be people like that. These words may very well cause you more emotional pain. I'm sorry if they do but sometimes it takes someone else to point out what is actually going on within our subconscious. Of course I maybe wrong. I've only had fifteen years experience as a social worker working with people with mental health problems. I've worked with quite a few eminent psychiatrists who really didn't seem to have a clue about how people really tick. I went to a counsellor I admitted my abuse she was useless. I think I helped her deal with her bereavement far more than she helped me deal with the abuse.
The broken tea cup is a good example but I'm afraid it is rare to find anyone who has the ability to help us glue ourselves back together again.
I am still suffering serious physical and emotional affects from the shock of getting the sack from my job for my profile on this site.
I may very well be suffering with PTS.
My advice is. If what any individual has said rings any bells with how you are feeling then write to them and ask if they will try to help you. They may be the right person to help. Some people can some people can't. But most of all keep talking to your family.
Maybe it would be a good idea to show them these posts Maybe it will help them to help you. Whatever happens keep in mind you didn't deserve any of this.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 29

RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/11/2009 2:06:06 PM

bamagirl4u

Posts: 151
Joined: 12/25/2008
Status: offline

You need to take the time that you need and go at your own pace. Your family has already noted that it is okay to go slow~~don't try and rush back into making yourself do something that triggers a bad memory. My first sexual experience was in the middle of a corn field with a man from work I thought I was going on an errand with to deliver some paperwork. It was not rape by the usual standards but I didn't want to do it either. I was 18 and the memories still bother me. I am much older now and it tends to not come up as much, but bad memories can continue to haunt you forever. You will know when you are ready~~and finding a kink friendly therapist is a good idea. Best wishes

_____________________________

~Don't settle for the One you can live with~~Wait for the One you can't live without.~
~To thine own self be true~~no compromise.~

(in reply to lateralist1)

Post #: 30

RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/11/2009 2:26:39 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

I was a counselor at one time and have talked with a few rape/assault/invasion victims in my day. It seems common to misunderstand the issues that arise from an incident. Often the loss of control in the situation causes reverberations in other areas and perceptions. . . unveiling previous misconceptions of the extent of control we really do or do not have over our own lives. It can be a life and personality changing event.

As suggested, I hope you take the time your partners offer you and I hope you you’re your issues to adjust your perspectives. A little counseling might go a long way.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to bamagirl4u)

Post #: 31

RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/11/2009 2:52:51 PM

SageFemmexx

Posts: 240
Joined: 1/2/2007
Status: offline

Try to find a KINK aware counselor. Google it. You need someone comfortable with your lifestyle that you can talk to.

Sage.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 32

RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/11/2009 9:08:26 PM

SimplyIsaac

Posts: 376
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyIsaac

Oh come on now...you got mugged, so now you're having a hard time submitting?

Why do you feel this need to connect a random act of violent theft with submitting to a couple? If you stand back and think about it its clear the entire correlation is bunk.

I mean, I know that may not work out so clearly from an emotional point of view, but put the past in the past and focus on the future. Thats what I'd do.

And where exactly did you receive your degree in psychology from?

It doesn't take a genius to understand that when a physical action (i.e. being beaten) becomes associated with a negative event (i.e. being mugged) new neuro-pathways are formed and it's likely that a future beating, even in the "good way" by one's dominant will trigger flashbacks to the moment of intense fear and panic during the traumatic event. It's very simple to say "the past is the past" until you've experienced an event that you just can't get rid of no matter how much you know you're not in danger anymore. Many of us have been there and as LP's clip mentioned, it's present to at least some degree among most soldiers who've fought, so what makes you think you can just tell someone to get over it and that's going to work?

Oh boy. Well, let's see...where do I get my knowledge from? Let's say...life? I've had a LOT of traumatic stuff happen to me too mind you, as have others.

We get through an event and move on with our lives. Doesnt mean it is forgotten, but that we don't let it affect other parts of our lives so deeply. Its really that simple people. Honest.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 33

RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/11/2009 9:16:04 PM

SimplyIsaac

Posts: 376
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyIsaac
Why do you feel this need to connect a random act of violent theft with submitting to a couple? If you stand back and think about it its clear the entire correlation is bunk.

I have to disagree with the idea that it is bunk. A random act of violence is going to make some people feel out of control of their lives and they may seek to regain the feeling that they are in control. Continuing to give authority over their life to someone else may prevent or limit how in control they feel about their lives. As a result they may resist submitting to the will of someone else. It won't effect everyone this way, but this will happen to some.

Random acts of violence can be very traumatic and have long lasting impacts on people's lives. Thirty-three years later, I am still having flashbacks to a random act of violence. I don't spend my life focused on the past, but that doesn't change the triggers that have been set in my mind.

Knight's Kyra

Yeah but Kyra, you're probsbly a classic example of someone who can deal with the trauma and get on with their lives. Doesn't mean the hurt isn't there. We all have our own demons...each one of us.

Your connection with your master is exactly the dynamic that is so healthy for this sort of stuff, I feel. Being submissive to a caring and protective master is a POSITIVE...it should be a rock.

The poster feels there is a rift here in his relationship because of the trauma of the mugging, and that's just so unfortunate, given the circumstances and the potential for support.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 34

RE: Need Some Advice Please? - 1/11/2009 10:14:56 PM

WiseCracknSadist

Posts: 163
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline

Ok so basically, and I'm making assumptions, when you are put in a position where you relinquish control you are having flashbacks to the mugging and it makes you uncomfortable and keeps you from carrying out the task at hand.

So this random act has affected the fundemental foundation of your existence.

I don't know the details of the mugging, nor those of the family you are a part of. My advice would be to ask you Master and Mistress to only use you in your most favorite ways for a time to build familiarity and confidence in you again. Then gradually push your boundries as any Dom would and should until you are comfortable in most all aspects of your life again.

But it is doubtful that you will ever go back to the way you were if this event has effected you this much.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 35

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