Need Some Advice Please?

Need Some Advice Please? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

PrisonRough -> Need Some Advice Please? (1/9/2009 4:27:41 PM)
I'm currently in a poly houseohld where I live with a female - who is the dominant member of the household and another male who is her submissive and I'm a collared slave by both of them. We have all lived together like this for a year and a half. Recently I was assaulted (during a mugging) and I've been having a very difficult time getting over it - and while my mistress and master have been very understanding it has thrown the entire household off because I'm having trouble submitting. Before anyone says it - know that my family (being my master and mistress) are not pushing me to do anything I don't want to do and have been extremely understanding, it's me that is upset by the situation. I want to submit like I have always wanted to submit but once I get to that point I get scared. I've talked to them and they've told me to take my time and go at my own pace - but I'm so frustrated with my own pace! I tried talking to a therapist but it seemed like my lifestyle was so over their head they just couldn't help. Does anyone have any advice?

MistressLamia -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/9/2009 4:40:53 PM)
Some points for you to ponder: -you have been hurt not only physically but mentally and emotionally. -your Mistress and her sub have treated you with respect and you were always safe with them. They at no point forced you to do anything you did not really want to do. -The person who mugged you had no respect or caring for you. They took your safety and secutity. Let the respect and caring your Mistress has for you and time heal you. you're safe in the house with Her and her sub. Go slowly as you feel able and find those good feelings again.

DarkSteven -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/9/2009 4:43:13 PM)
1. The couple has offered you time. Take it and heal. 2. If you wish to continue therapy, go to a local munch and get references for a kink friendly therapist.

angelikaJ -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/9/2009 5:28:40 PM)
Listing for Kink Aware Professionals for your state: http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=75 DarkSteven's suggestion is very good as well re: local munches as a source. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Accept the caring of others.

trealeon -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/9/2009 6:55:33 PM)
I knew a sub who was in an almost identical situation to her. She was the victim of rape and it completely turned her world upside down including of course her ability to submit. It took months (close to a year) for her to get past it in a way where she felt she could truly be submissive again. Really, time is the only thing that will heal you, trying to force yourself will only make it worse. Submission is part of your makeup so when the time is right, you're desire to submit will overcome these new fears and you'll be able to serve the way you used to. I'm not saying that you'll just be able to forget what happened and never think about it again, only that your fear will lessen and your natural desire to submit grow until it overcomes it.

AcademyForSlaves -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/9/2009 9:14:37 PM)
Explain to them that you need a time out to find yourself again. Every victim goes thru feelings of being violated and needs time to adjust and regain faith and trust in society. Remind them of this fact. Reassure them that it's not about needing faith or trust in them again but just in people and society in general. Hope this helps.

DominaSmartass -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/9/2009 9:26:03 PM)
It sounds like you and your owners all already know what you need, but that doesn't make it easier or less frustrating to just ride out the trauma and heal. You say you're having trouble submitting, and I imagine you may be speaking in terms of the physical, but how is it going with other things like performing service? Could you focus more during this time on serving your Mistress and Master in ways that don't involve too much physical domination? I think that when a slave loses the ability to serve in the capacity he is used to, his confidence goes down and he feels he isn't doing a good job anymore - even though it's through no fault of your own that you're currently unable to function as you used to. I think you may be questioning if things will ever return to normal and that is stressing you out too because it just feels like you won't be able to go back to where you were before. All I can tell you is that it's all normal and you'd be hard pressed to find someone who's gone through trauma without a period of post traumatic stress. Everyone's advice sucks because taking your time and letting yourself heal doesn't exactly "fix" anything but really it's the only thing you can do. I truly believe that if people love you and want what's best for you, they'll see you through however long it takes. Sorry there is no good answer to this.

MaamJay -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/10/2009 12:33:53 AM)
I agree with the others ... time is the great healer but it sucks having to wait for it to work! Remember, you are in the best of environments with 2 caring and supportive people, so you have the best chance for time to work a little faster. The kink-aware therapist may be a great source of help too! Above all, try not to feel badly about it ... you sure didn't ask to be mugged ... nor did you ask for the stress it caused you ... you are most definitely not to blame for your very normal response to the situation. Hang in there and be kind to yourself. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

JustDarkness -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/10/2009 12:37:52 AM)
at OP A therapist that couldn't help? Do you have ways to get an other? OF course time cures a lott. To some that might be a few months..but if you are "damaged deeply" and it last years...you might just more sad. Talking with friends helps...but an objective therapist is better. Oh and more people stept aside from the lifestyle once ina while..for several reasons..don't be afraid it is the end.

PrisonRough -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/10/2009 4:38:17 AM)
Thank you all very much for your advice. I guess I (as well as my family) did know that answer, but it doesn't help at all with the frustration of wanting to just be back to normal. I will do as suggested and try to serve in other capacities - which you are all right about - those I can do alright, it is the physically submission that I get skittish about. I think that part of it is it makes me so nervous for this much decision to be in my hands, I keep hearing that we can go at my pace and when I'm ready and it seems like so much in my hands! I'm not really comfortable with that. I do have two people who love me very much though, I trust them with everything so I trust that they will make this okay too. Thank you for all your support.

ChainedExistence -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/10/2009 5:57:14 AM)
If you feel uncomfortable with the idea of the timeline "being in your hands", why not ask your Masters for a deadline for "re-evaluation"? You can focus on your energy on rebuilding your sense of safety and security without adding on the pressure of " I don't know when I'll be ready." When their "deadline" arrives, you can sit down with them, and see if you feel ready or if an extension is necessary. (Even the almighty IRS allows extensions-but they get to impose the dates). In the meantime, I think the advice about alternate service is smart. Having a routine set of chores to do can give you a sense of purpose, occupy your mind from the loop of "I have to get better, I have to get better", and allow you the time you need to heal. Be good to yourself, and willing to submit to some loving support!

colouredin -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/10/2009 6:04:45 AM)
You need to look at the root of it all, talk to your parners and try to work out what it is that you are struggling with, what is it that you are afraid of? Once you have worked out that you will be able to see wht you can do without that fear, slowly the fear will go, you are in a loving enviroment and it will take time but also it is so important to not loose who you are because of this. Now you dont like it being in your hands, why dont you discuss a secret word you can use when you are feeling scared? then have a routine that happens when the word is used, maybe being cuddled or drinking a hot chocolate or whatever something that cools your nerves. Eventually your subconscious will realise that your fear is unfounded and it will allow you to take things much further. That will mean that the only thing in your hands is making your partners aware that you are frightened. Everyone needs looking after from time to time and life can screw your mojo, dont run away from it all though and dont blame everything on this event it gives it power, instead affirm the fact that you will get better. Which you will. Good luck.

oceanwynds -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/10/2009 6:20:25 AM)
Part of what you are experiencing is the 'want to be like it use to be', and this is part of the process of healing. It wont go back as things were. You have a couple blessings going on right now, partners are embracing all of you, including the pain you are feeling. They are not taking it personal and giving you space to heal. The other blessing is you will heal from this, but in time. You cant hurry the process or erase it. Counseling didn't help me either, so i chose other options and one of them was to journal my feelings. One thing common with victims of abuse is we blame ourselves, if only.. Please do not blame yourself. If you find yourself doing so, call attention to yourself that no nothing you could have done would had prevented it, because we cant change the past. This is a long process and you will find times you will feel better then out of the blue you are feeling like crap again. Perhaps besides the kink and sexual aspects, you can try to find other ways to submit and find it useful at this time. When we arent able in one area, we tend to focus just on that and it intensifies our emotions of being no good. I found if i could do other things, it slowly helped me to feel better about my self, that i wasn't a useless piece of meat. i hope this help some. oceanwynds

LPslittleclip -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/10/2009 6:44:21 AM)
the trauma that you experienced as stated previously did more than just cause physical harm. it shook your foundation. you have a wonderful loving and caring family to help and support you during your recovery.I'm a combat nurse and ptsd is more than just a name, thousands of soldiers have it to one degree or another myself included. you must find your self and your center as it were. talking with your family attending munches just to be with others, journaling all help. everyone who has had a traumatic experience wants to return to how things were before it ever happened. in short you cant. you must accept that this happened and was no fault of your own. you will have to reforge your bonds with your family and re-temper yourself. it will be your journey to make but remember you have many that care deeply and love you very strongly to support you as you do.

kyraofMists -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/10/2009 6:49:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PrisonRough I've talked to them and they've told me to take my time and go at my own pace - but I'm so frustrated with my own pace! Who's expectations are more important; theirs or yours? Realize that by taking your time and going at your own pace you are submitting to their will. Don't be chained to the past and what you have done in the past and use that as you measuring stick for the future. Knight's Kyra

SimplyIsaac -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/10/2009 8:00:31 AM)
Oh come on now...you got mugged, so now you're having a hard time submitting? Why do you feel this need to connect a random act of violent theft with submitting to a couple? If you stand back and think about it its clear the entire correlation is bunk. I mean, I know that may not work out so clearly from an emotional point of view, but put the past in the past and focus on the future. Thats what I'd do.

persephonee -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/10/2009 8:02:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyIsaac Oh come on now...you got mugged, so now you're having a hard time submitting? Why do you feel this need to connect a random act of violent theft with submitting to a couple? If you stand back and think about it its clear the entire correlation is bunk. I mean, I know that may not work out so clearly from an emotional point of view, but put the past in the past and focus on the future. Thats what I'd do. im not entirely sure that the "Snap out of it!!!" approach to post traumatic stress has been approved here in the States...but ill google it if you really want to go with it...[8\|]

SimplyIsaac -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/10/2009 8:04:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: persephonee quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyIsaac Oh come on now...you got mugged, so now you're having a hard time submitting? Why do you feel this need to connect a random act of violent theft with submitting to a couple? If you stand back and think about it its clear the entire correlation is bunk. I mean, I know that may not work out so clearly from an emotional point of view, but put the past in the past and focus on the future. Thats what I'd do. im not entirely sure that the "Snap out of it!!!" approach to post traumatic stress has been approved here in the States...but ill google it if you really want to go with it...[8\|] You need to re-read what I wrote.

pompeii -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/10/2009 8:29:09 AM)
A person hurt is, as Ben Franklin put it wisely regarding the fundamental feeling of trust, like a mended porcelain teacup ..... you can always put your life back together but the mended personality will never be the pristine innocence it once was and never can be. This is normal. All of us, in our lives, have these experiences which break our innocence - and it's up to us to glue the fragile teacup of our personalities back together. The ones who make the most usable teacup are the winners in the end.

colouredin -> RE: Need Some Advice Please? (1/10/2009 8:33:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyIsaac quote: ORIGINAL: persephonee quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyIsaac Oh come on now...you got mugged, so now you're having a hard time submitting? Why do you feel this need to connect a random act of violent theft with submitting to a couple? If you stand back and think about it its clear the entire correlation is bunk. I mean, I know that may not work out so clearly from an emotional point of view, but put the past in the past and focus on the future. Thats what I'd do. im not entirely sure that the "Snap out of it!!!" approach to post traumatic stress has been approved here in the States...but ill google it if you really want to go with it...[8\|] You need to re-read what I wrote. I read and re-read what you wrote and i got just what Persephonee got from it, if it actually means something else I do think it needs clarification. You see when someone goes through a traumatic experaince it isnt so easy as just saying its in the past. It can impact on who and how you trust for the rest of your life. One of the worst things that you can do is ignore its exsistance because then chances are it will creep up and bite you on the ass when you least expect it. Its far better to allow yourself to feel the emotions and let them go in a natural way.

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.125