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Long distance relationships - 1/1/2009 4:13:12 PM   
Firebirdseeking


Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		I am curious to know how others have "done" LD relationships. In particular, the beginning; how have you avoided filling in the blanks with blue sky and fantasy; how have you managed over time, and are they an exercise in futility?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/1/2009 4:38:08 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		We were LDR for about two years, have been 24/7 for three plus.
We kept in heavy contact. Emails morning and night and any other time we thought of anything to say. Cell phones being whipped out whenever either of us had a moment free. And chat nightly.
We say each other every three to six weeks. One winter it snowed every time we had a chance to get together so we didn't see each other for three months.

But we both felt bad at not being able to get together. We both considered each other our biggest cheerleader and best friend. We preferred to talk to each other than to be with someone we didn't have half as strong a relationship with.

Most importantly, we talked about everything. The funny noise the car was making, the problem one of the AUP's was having in school. Everything. Nothing was too small to be shared, commisserated, laughed with, etc.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Firebirdseeking)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/1/2009 4:44:33 PM   
GeminiDominant


Posts: 11
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		Yes it is difficult at first, but if you can eventually make it happen IRT on a permanent basis, then the wait is worth it. I had met mine on here Dec 2006. Within a few weeks we moved from emails on here to personal ones, then to phone calls. Like the previous post, we too talked about everything under the sun and then some. We finally met in person in May 2007 and I moved to be with her a month later. We have been together every day since.

If the bond is strong, the heart and mind will find a way to cope till the circumstances allow you two to be together IRT all the time.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/1/2009 4:46:43 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		It is definitely not a exercise in futility for every situation... but it is for many.

I can't tell you what works... but I can tell you what worked for the three of us to get us where we are today.

"Focusing on the future"  at the end of the day.. that is what worked for us.  We did alot of different things but most of our efforts was preparing ourselves for the eventual time when we lived together.  We discussed many different things and we used the time together when we could to validate so much of what we believed about each other.  It was very difficult to be apart from the person that you are deeply in love with and that focusing on the distance only made the feelings more difficult.  But.. focusing on the future and constantly taking steps that brought us closer to that future was a fulfilling and inspiring all in one. 

The second thing is that we did when we where not interacting online or on the phone was to keep busy indoing whatever needed to be done.  Idle hands was sure to bring up a longing and loneliness for each other.  It sometimes was a struggle to keep busy and at times you gave a quick call just to touch base with each other.  Which brings me to the third thing.

We where always very much aware of what the other was doing and also easy to contact each other whenever the desire should arrive.  There was more than a few times that Kyra would call me in the middle of the night if only to hear that comforting voice.. no different than reaching out and giving that loving pat on the bump in bed.

Long Distance Relationship are extremely challenging and take alot of effort on everyone's part.. but for us.. it was worth every ounce of effort given.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/1/2009 6:45:34 PM   
trealeon


Posts: 180
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		I think that LDR works best if the two people either knew each other before they went long distance or if they didn't, you have to make sure that there is an initial "real life" meeting as close to the beginning of the relationship as possible and subsequent meetings as frequently as possible. It's too easy to turn the relationship into a fantasy if you hardly ever see each other.

I know for me, I don't get into LDRs with anyone who lives too far (as a general rule, I consider outside the state too far, but there could be an exception). I've only had 2 though, so I can't call myself an expert. 

The thing that killed it for me is that after a certain point, if you want to get serious, someone has to relocate and I think a lot of times people take the concept of "relocation" too lightly. This was the problem in both my case at least. For me, I know I'm not going to relocate and I'm always upfront about that, but I think sometimes people will tell you they are willing to relocate or even say specifically that they want to relocate for you after the relationship has progressed, but in the end, they realize they can't or don't want to. Which is understandable considering I know I can't. But I think that's something you should seriously consider before you even enter a long distance relationship with someone because it will come up sooner or later.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/1/2009 6:55:06 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		http://www.collarchat.com/m_2353595/mpage_1/key_LDR/tm.htm#2353595 was a recent thread on this where I gave a detailed response. In a nutshell, Master and i came together as a result of an LDR ... and I am currently conducting another with a potential sub. So obviously I don't think they're a waste of time or exercise in futility, but they are hard work and they won't all succeed!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to trealeon)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/1/2009 6:59:33 PM   
whiteslavebitch


Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline 		LDR's are not easy to maneuver, but with the right person, it's so worth it.

I wasn't interested in a LDR, actually I didn't really want a LTR at all, I was still in discovery mode, and spending time playing. Meeting MasterK completely changed my plans.

Keeping communication open via IM's, email, frequent phone calls (I <3 verizon) having the same cell phone provider was immensly helpful. Seeing each other in person as frequently as possible (but not nearly as often as I wanted), helps a lot.

Working on plans for relocation, getting the details right, took work. But it was so worth it. I've known MasterK for about 3 1/2 years, and I'm happier than I ever imagined it was possible to be.

_____________________________

MasterK's whiteslavebitch

formally collared 1/30/09

"I give to you my everything, you've given me these loving wings." - DMB

(in reply to trealeon)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/1/2009 7:14:43 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I will say that his having a cell phone with great calling plans did keep us going through most the wait to be together in the same town. IT allowed us to keep in close contact with out the huge phone bills a land line would of cost.

And believe me lol, land lines on long distance calls can rack up the bills, One time the phone bill was like 80 to 90 dollars more than it ever was , cause the honey and I at the time, spent hours on my dime talking.


quote:

ORIGINAL: whiteslavebitch

LDR's are not easy to maneuver, but with the right person, it's so worth it.

I wasn't interested in a LDR, actually I didn't really want a LTR at all, I was still in discovery mode, and spending time playing. Meeting MasterK completely changed my plans.

Keeping communication open via IM's, email, frequent phone calls (I <3 verizon) having the same cell phone provider was immensly helpful. Seeing each other in person as frequently as possible (but not nearly as often as I wanted), helps a lot.

Working on plans for relocation, getting the details right, took work. But it was so worth it. I've known MasterK for about 3 1/2 years, and I'm happier than I ever imagined it was possible to be.

(in reply to whiteslavebitch)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/1/2009 7:19:51 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		there's several threads going right now on LDR, and one of them includes, common things you should think about when in a LDR.


For Daddy and I we were only 2 hours away, We met in real life, before ever joining ourselves to the other, and we were very honest and realistic with each other.


We managed ok, It was rough and rocky a few times, and the lonelyness and the distance caused quite a few arguments, but we live together now and have been together now for 3 years, so no it was not an exorcise in futility.


Now, that being said I will never do long distance for the forseeable several years  again . I say several years cause the old saying, never say never, and 5 or 10 years down the road someone may change my mind.


They are not worth it, to me, and no amount of phone contact or emails or ims or ability to stay in contact inbetween the times you can be together will ever make up for the fact they're missing  huge portions of my life, and me their life, while they're away.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

I am curious to know how others have "done" LD relationships. In particular, the beginning; how have you avoided filling in the blanks with blue sky and fantasy; how have you managed over time, and are they an exercise in futility?

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/1/2009 7:33:26 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

I am curious to know how others have "done" LD relationships. In particular, the beginning; how have you avoided filling in the blanks with blue sky and fantasy; how have you managed over time, and are they an exercise in futility?


firebird,

It is best to look upon it as an initial step to make things easier toward a real time situation. the steps have been suggested above and they might or should be used to determine the chemistry tween the parties; such as vanilla likes and dislikes as well as D/s kinks.

CP

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/1/2009 7:50:27 PM   
ItalianSMistress


Posts: 427
Joined: 1/19/2007
From: Niagara Region Ontario Canada
Status: offline 		LDR can work very well, esp if you dont desire someone in your space 24/7.  I have had a few in my day that I would consider successful.  I had one girl that lived about two hours from me, and we saw each other about three times a month, for anywhere from a few hours to two nights/three days kinda thing.  We carried on like that for the better part of five years.  Ironicly, one of the things that forced an end was that she wanted more and started talking about moving closer, I got freaked out.  I have also had another partner that I have been with for over 15 years.  He only comes home on weekends and leaves Canada for up to sixteen weeks at a time to visit family and such.  This works great for me, he calls daily no matter where in the world he is, just like that girl, we spoke serveral times per day, even if it was through voice mail at times when life was insane. 
 
Personally I find LDR work best for me, as I like to have someone I can call on when needed, but dont like the idea of someone invading my personal space.  Also, being poly, if I have more than one relationship on the go at a time, it makes time for everyone without anyone feeling left out.  The two I speak of in the above paragraph only ever crossed paths twice in the five years she was around.  Although they spoke on the phone more often if one was home for a few days........

_____________________________

Governess

"Dominance is the ability to create a hunger in someone that's so strong they will do anything, anytime, anywhere just to please you."


http://italianmistress.livejournal.com/


(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/1/2009 7:52:53 PM   
PanthersMom


Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline 		i tried ldr's and they didn't work out for me.  when cub and i met we were two hours apart, close enough that we could see each other often.  he moved in 6 yrs ago and we've been together ever since.  i just prefer being able to reach out and touch him.
PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!




(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/1/2009 11:06:03 PM   
ALAstella


Posts: 253
Joined: 12/3/2008
Status: offline 		We're another LDR, and... so far so good. Ala is from Poland, I'm from the UK, we just combined everything and have two homes.. But we've known each other over 3 years and all this has come out of friendship.

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/2/2009 12:13:17 AM   
BondageBarbieX


Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline 		I would personally not do a LDR unless it would move to real time in a very quickly.Online really does nothing for me and I have only talked to 2 Dominants that were really good at it and could get me off ,most suck at it or bore me.

(in reply to ALAstella)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/2/2009 12:47:18 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Are they an exercise in futility?  Good heavens, I hope not.  I happen to have two.

Just because I happen to have My males at home now, doesn't change us from qualifying.  It won't be long before clip is gone again and Mister P won't be far behind him.  No offense to anyone, but the two hours away thing doesn't come anywhere near an LDR that crosses international lines.  Mister P will head back to Korea.  My clip will eventually be going to Afghanistan.

Someone said earlier in the thread that it's a bit different when it's based on a relationship that was based on being together and then separated by distance.  I can absolutely agree with that.  It makes it more about a matter of waiting.  With clip heading out of the country, too, it means the wait is going to be a little longer than we thought.

I sat and talked with clip about this tonight as we're getting ready to send him back across several states.  He'll be in a few places across the country before leaving it.  There will be emails, chats, and phone calls.  The next time he's back in the country, Mister P and I will be living on the other coast, which was partially arranged so we could all be closer.  It's just going to take longer for clip to get to us as it will for us to get to where we're going.

I love My husband just as much when he's deployed as when he's home.  Sure, it can be harder when he's not home, but it doesn't make him My husband any less.

The same is true for clip.   Just because he can't be at My feet every day, doesn't make him My sub any less.  I've never once regretted putting My collar on his neck.  I'd be hard pressed to think I ever will.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ALAstella)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/2/2009 1:27:43 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		One of my last relations started LD. She was in the USA and I in Europe.
In time she went back to her parents in Germany. To be closer to me. It was still a 90 minute drive and not always easy.
But if you like eachother..a lott can be done if you want.
What I find hard with LD is that when something happens..you can't be there as soon as you want..and wrap your arm around them.

< Message edited by JustDarkness -- 1/2/2009 1:28:33 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/2/2009 2:47:56 AM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		Filling in the blanks with blue sky and fantasy is not the exclusive domain of a long distance relationship. Anyone can fall into that trap. The most important thing I have found that helps in a LDR is to have the next meeting planned be it next week or a month away or whenever. Give yourself something to look forward to. We only live 200 miles apart so that is never more than a few weeks. I feel for the folks that go months between visits. That would be tough and something I'm not sure I could do.

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/2/2009 2:52:06 AM   
RainydayNE


Posts: 978
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline 		all i can say is, both people have to work on it. it can't become the responsibility of one person to make everything work.

(in reply to Evility)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/2/2009 3:40:10 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Other partners. This is really the only way I am willing to do LDRs any more.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Long distance relationships - 1/2/2009 3:59:56 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		Can only answer what has worked for me.  Really, it's worked for me whether LDR or local relationships and that is:  Have a shared relationship goal. 

When people share the same goal they move, work, play, decide things toward that goal and are moving toward a common destination.  When people have different goals they move in different directions and rarely end up in the same destination.

InkedMaster and I have been collared Master and slave for 15 months.  We are living in our shared home for the past 6 months.  We started our Relationship 500 miles apart.  What kept us together and growing during the time apart was focus on the Relationship and the goals for that r\Relationship.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)
Profile   Post #: 20
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