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RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/22/2008 8:11:22 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It could be at this point he's so tired and frustrated that ANY little thing will set him off. Try to figure out what the core issue is here- the bad communication may just be a really bad cover up to the actual problem.

There, we most likely have it.

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 21

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/22/2008 8:27:23 PM

utopicus

Posts: 97
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

Hello
The moment communication vanishes from a relationship is about time that you said farewell and went live your life somewhere else. Not only he doesn't show any sign of compassion and respect toward you, not only he got cold and he estranged from you, but he obstinately refuses any dialogue, any conversation...
Does he have a reason? Is he sick? Mentally imbalanced? If so, you need to help him. If not, he doesn't need you.
Are you married? Is there a child? Are there any obligations? If not, and there's only your love to keep you close, you have to be brave and disclose to him how alone and abandoned you feel. If there was no change, you would have to leave him.
It's for your sanity and for your happiness. You deserve the best.
Regards,

(in reply to naughtysub07)

Post #: 22

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/22/2008 8:44:53 PM

bound4more

Posts: 128
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtysub07

specifics......

Well lets take right now....he was making reservations for new years and after he got off the phone I was asking about it and I asked him what seats we got, they were different seats then what we got last time and I just asked him why we got different ones and he blew up at me and said I was questioning how he was doing it and he said that I am always questioning him and then I get upset when he gets mad about it. And then he just got up and left without saying a word and he has been gone for almost an hour.

Don't know if this will be of any help or not. I know that in my relationship I used to ask questions quite frequently. Things like how come You did or didn't, why aren't we or You etc. Master used to get irritated sometimes at me. I didn't understand. But later I realized that these questions were clever disguises for the fact that I was really questioning His judgment, His capability. I believed that I had a better idea and was insinuating that my intelligence was greater than His and if He just thought further, He'd realize it. I was not expressing confidence in Him as my Master. Now I'm speaking as a slave and too many questions are not appropriate in our relationship. Control is not an easy thing to really let go of.

_____________________________

You can tell who someone really is by how they act

(in reply to naughtysub07)

Post #: 23

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 12:27:50 AM

agnostic

Posts: 14
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtysub07

I dont know what to do anymore. How can I fix something he refuses to see? How do I even talk to him about it when he just sees it as me being in the wrong, me being the sole cause of the disagreements?

I was in an engagement until nearly a month ago with a boy (yes, boy, which is not to be confused with a man) I'd been with for three years. If I didn't know I hadn't written this post, I'd think I had. When he couldn't hear me on the phone, I wasn't speaking loudly enough; when I couldn't hear him, I wasn't listening carefully enough. That was the story of our life. Every day. Always my fault.

It was obvious to me that he was not happy with me because I would never be "good enough" for him. So I broke up with him. I would gladly have spent the rest of my life married to him, but I will not burden him in a relationship in which he's not completely happy. I love him, and he deserves to go find someone who can speak up and listen better.

To make a long story very short: You cannot fix something he refuses to see. You cannot talk to him if he is unwilling to listen. You cannot change who he is. I'm sorry that that is not more pleasant news, but it's honest news. All you can do is decide what you want, and how it will affect you both. If you truly want his happiness above all else, and he's not happy with you, then let him go. If you want your happiness above all else, and you're not happy with him, then let him go. If you can accommodate your own behaviors to suit him (which I would never recommend, but to each their own), then stick it out. But what you cannot change are his expectations, desires, and attitudes toward you, the relationship, or anything else for that matter. You cannot change him.

And, just to point this out in case you might have forgotten: YOU are in control of yourself and your relationship. You have a gift that you are offering to him. If you do not like the way in which he is abusing that gift by making you so depressed, then by all means, consider the options that YOU have. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

(in reply to naughtysub07)

Post #: 24

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 4:38:17 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Did anything happen several months back that would have caused a change in behavior?

Although I DO have to ask - why did you ask him why he had gotten different seats? It sounds like a trivial matter to me that you BOTH are taking way too seriously.

I'm betting she likes to ask why a lot.

Generally, do you find natural curiousity or any expression of interest to be a reason to blow your top off at somebody? Just asking...

Why do you ask, kitty?

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to kittinSol)

Post #: 25

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 4:51:09 AM

bosch

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shannie

Some pretty and perhaps-fitting words by the poet Ranier Rilke:

Lovers ... when you raise yourselves and press
your mouths together ... drink upon drink:
Strange how each of you drinks your way past the other.

Whenever we mean one thing, wholeheartedly,
another is right there, tugging on our feelings. Strife
is our closest companion. Don't lovers
constantly tread over each other's boundaries,
after mumbled vows about space, sustenance, and home?

Isn't it time to free ourselves, with love,
-- from the one we love, and,
trembling, endure?
For to stay is to be nowhere at all.

shannie - this is absolutely succinct. The tickets aren't the problem, you asking why isn't the problem. They were just triggers for something else. Step back, be calm, and think about the larger situation and what your current dynamics are. If you've been together for three years, you should have some ideas as to what's really going on.

(in reply to shannie)

Post #: 26

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 5:15:21 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Did anything happen several months back that would have caused a change in behavior?

Although I DO have to ask - why did you ask him why he had gotten different seats? It sounds like a trivial matter to me that you BOTH are taking way too seriously.

I wanted to hop onto this post and say look at both of your lives when answering DarkSteven's question. You may not realize it but you may also have changed how you are behaving. Rarely does only one person in a dynamic change in isolation.

You know, kinky folks go to couple's therapy too from time to time. You might want to look into that if not for you both then for you.

The fact is that unless he also believes there is a problem and unless you both are willing to work on it, nothing will change and things will likely get worse.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 27

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 5:43:42 AM

mc1234

Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline

It's been my experience that sometimes long-term relationships can fall into really lousy patterns and cycles. It's life, and life can be work. One thing I learned is that the only thing I can change is myself during those times, because oftentimes there's some sort of wall between the two of us which needs to be broken down, but we can't quite seem to do it. So ... I'd make an effort to suck it up, so to speak - be pleasant, ask him how his day was (be the first to break the silence), make a good dinner, try whatever I could to drop the resentment, which only builds ...

Sometimes it works. The times that it did work were memorable to me because - wow, look, we've gotten past it. The other times, not so much, and it took more than that.

I haven't experienced this in a D/s relationship, but I'm thinking if you do some soul searching and rediscover your submission to your Dominant, and then act from that rather than from the residue of petty resentments and old arguments, you just may get somewhere. Forget the arguing and complaining and see if you can turn things around. Hopefully he'll respond when he sees your efforts and you can find common ground again.

Sometimes all it takes is one person to extend a sincere and honest olive branch. If you want this man, this relationship, I'd suggest you really try. I wish you lots of luck.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 28

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 6:44:03 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

I see this as being 50/50.. you both need to work on this and you both need to do things differently.

Now why this has come about, which could be your fault, or it could be his fault, doesn't matter, it's not important who's fault it is if you're really into being together, as you both need to be interested in working this stuff out and keep doing so until you're both happy. Doesn't matter if you're Master slave, Master submissive, boyfriend girlfriend, or two bright blue Martians with big yellow polka dots, you are only as good as you are together, and you need to be together, and I mean really be together and work together. Couples only take sides when they're working towards separation and ending the relationship.

What's important right now is what is, and what you both want from this.

He needs to be a bit more open, communicative, patient and compassionate. He also needs to learn that being a Master is a bit more than calling yourself one, but is more down to behaving and acting like someone who can be in control and take charge in both good and bad situations.

You need to be more accepting, trusting, and dare I say it? Submissive. Being a submissive in such a relationship is a bit more than a game or a fancy title, it really does mean giving up control, shutting up and doing as you're told. It also means you don't always get your way and accepting that as a way of life. If this is hard for you to accept then you can always drop the D/s element and go back to being a vanilla couple.

What has happened is good in a way because it highlights what is weak in the relationship and what it is about you both which contributes to that weakness. I'd say learn from it and move forward, or lean from it and move on.

Either way I wish you both the best.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Icarys)

Post #: 29

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 7:57:23 AM

starshineowned

Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

Then he gets frustrated and raises his voice with some smart comment.

Greetings..

Just curious: When that happens..what do you do in response?

If this is just a change within the last couple of months it sounds like something he's dealing with that isn't homebound as the root cause..but anything at home that makes him have to stop and explain himself or what he's doing or doesn't do will set it off.

Maybe just for now stop yourself..especially if he won't acknowledge or talk. Be the wall flower for awhile. Take time to reflect on yourself and what it is that your doing within the relationship, what you wanted, what you agreed to, what have you changed or what can you change to make "right now" the home setting a place of relaxation and worry free for him to give him that time to decompress and sort out whatever truely is the core issue.

I do know for "myself" that over time I become more lax in my position and way I relate to Master, and it is "I" that has to stop and self reflect on what I wanted, what I agreed to, and what I need to refocus my prioritys to. It doesn't happen often and it is usually is a minor change in Masters behavior towards me or a quick sentence from him like: we need to work on that "what ever that happens to be that he took notice of". His work was noticing and making me aware. My work is to do.

You've got quite a bit of time invested together, and it's worth looking at all the angles before tossing in the towel here.

Good Luck

starshine

_____________________________

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." --Abraham Lincoln

(in reply to naughtysub07)

Post #: 30

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 11:14:26 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Did anything happen several months back that would have caused a change in behavior?

Although I DO have to ask - why did you ask him why he had gotten different seats? It sounds like a trivial matter to me that you BOTH are taking way too seriously.

I'm betting she likes to ask why a lot.

Generally, do you find natural curiousity or any expression of interest to be a reason to blow your top off at somebody? Just asking...

Why do you ask, kitty?

*snorts hot tea all over the 'puter screen*

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 31

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 11:35:07 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

pesky subs and their questions....sheesh

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 32

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 1:11:22 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

pesky subs and their questions....sheesh

Especially the smartass ones :>

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 33

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 1:15:11 PM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

hehe...Merry Christmas, ya twisted f***

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to Icarys)

Post #: 34

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 1:16:52 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

Merry Christmas, you dirty ho ho ho.

< Message edited by Icarys -- 12/23/2008 1:17:25 PM >

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 35

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 1:22:11 PM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

heheee....

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to Icarys)

Post #: 36

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 1:28:45 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: starshineowned

quote:

Then he gets frustrated and raises his voice with some smart comment.

Greetings..

Just curious: When that happens..what do you do in response?

If this is just a change within the last couple of months it sounds like something he's dealing with that isn't homebound as the root cause..but anything at home that makes him have to stop and explain himself or what he's doing or doesn't do will set it off.

Maybe just for now stop yourself..especially if he won't acknowledge or talk. Be the wall flower for awhile. Take time to reflect on yourself and what it is that your doing within the relationship, what you wanted, what you agreed to, what have you changed or what can you change to make "right now" the home setting a place of relaxation and worry free for him to give him that time to decompress and sort out whatever truely is the core issue.

I do know for "myself" that over time I become more lax in my position and way I relate to Master, and it is "I" that has to stop and self reflect on what I wanted, what I agreed to, and what I need to refocus my prioritys to. It doesn't happen often and it is usually is a minor change in Masters behavior towards me or a quick sentence from him like: we need to work on that "what ever that happens to be that he took notice of". His work was noticing and making me aware. My work is to do.

You've got quite a bit of time invested together, and it's worth looking at all the angles before tossing in the towel here.

Good Luck

starshine

Good words.

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to starshineowned)

Post #: 37

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 1:30:48 PM

mydomsabstrd

Posts: 1775
Joined: 10/5/2007
Status: offline

omg its "nice" to know im not the only one who has had this happen to them. thought there for a while i was. this almost sounds like my life with the ex.

_____________________________

damn right
i used to care.....now i take a pill for that
i said shush girl, shush your lips, do the hellen keller and talk with your hips!!!!

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 38

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 1:30:52 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

heheee....

Joking aside and a slight hijack: Merry Christmas to everyone.

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 39

RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship - 12/23/2008 1:33:58 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

Fast Reply:

Maybe its you that has changed. Maybe you need to take some time and think about the dynamic you agreed to and trust that. Why question about the seat changes anyway? Maybe you are being too over-reactive? Why not a simple "thank-you Master"?.

I guess thats what I would try..and not try once but say over a months period to allow him to see that I was really trying...I would be giving him what it is he is telling me he wants....and if that doesnt change things then I'd start to be concerned there was a problem.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to Icarys)

Post #: 40

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