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Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 3:09:21 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		When it comes to my intimate relationships with women, I consider myself to be possessive. I get an erotic thrill from controlling women. It's in my nature to be controlling and something that got me in quite a lot of trouble with past attempts at egalatarian relationships. I've always had a tendecy to treat women who were intimate with me like they "belonged" to me. I like to tell them what to do. How to dress, walk, talk, act and fuck.

How do you define "possessiveness"?
As a dominant, do you consider yourself to be "possessive"?
As a slave or sub, do you consider your Master to be "possessive"? Is this a quality you find attractive? Are you attracted to a man who will actively treat you like his possession or propety? Would this be considered a "red flag" in dating?
Is "possessiveness" part of your dynamic? Is there a difference between being your Owner's "possession/property" and them being "possessive" of you?
How can "possessiveness" be "healthy" or "unhealthy"?


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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 3:12:20 PM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline 		I think possessiveness can be a negative if it comes from a lack of trust or faith in the person or the relationship.  Otherwise, feeling possessed or owned is something I desire.  When it comes about because he really wants *me* because of who I am - not because he's afraid of losing me. 

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 3:22:01 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mc1234

I think possessiveness can be a negative if it comes from a lack of trust or faith in the person or the relationship.  Otherwise, feeling possessed or owned is something I desire.  When it comes about because he really wants *me* because of who I am - not because he's afraid of losing me. 


Agreed.   Well said. 

(in reply to mc1234)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 3:38:17 PM   
Feliciasub


Posts: 75
Joined: 11/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:



Original: mc1234

I think possessiveness can be a negative if it comes from a lack of trust or faith in the person or the relationship.  Otherwise, feeling possessed or owned is something I desire.  When it comes about because he really wants *me* because of who I am - not because he's afraid of losing me. 



i also agree at 100% -well said mc1234

(in reply to kallisto)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 3:48:00 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

How do you define "possessiveness"?

While it's a bit complicated (Val and I are possessive of each other but we also share), if I were going to say that a man was being possessive of me I'd most likely be refering to a negative need to control me due to an out-of-line insecurity regarding our relationship.

Now, that doesn't mean that possessiveness can't be healthy. One of the things I loved about Val in the start of our relationship was the he considered me worth being possessive about. It's a balence that will be unique to each relationship and, I would think, changes with the phases of the relationship.
quote:


As a dominant, do you consider yourself to be "possessive"?
As a slave or sub, do you consider your Master to be "possessive"? Is this a quality you find attractive? Are you attracted to a man who will actively treat you like his possession or propety? Would this be considered a "red flag" in dating?

Not really. He has a bit of possessiveness about him, which is attractive, but I wouldn't call him possessive. Similiar to how he's got a touch of asshole about him, which I also find attractive, but I wouldn't call him an asshole unless I was joking.

As for being being treated as possession or property, it would depend on how it actually done. When I hear possessive, I tend to think of a man going through my cell phone because he doesn't trust me. While I would consider the things you described above a potential red flag in "vanilla" dating, to me they don't seem out of place in a health d/s dynamic. Would they work for me? Probably not but I wouldn't rule it out.
quote:


Is "possessiveness" part of your dynamic? Is there a difference between being your Owner's "possession/property" and them being "possessive" of you?

Not really. I'd say there is a difference between being his and him being possessive of me. There are things that we own that we aren't terribly possessive of and things we are. For example: Some DVDs get lent out without a thought. Others, like our special editions or hard to find things, are kept in the home and attempts to borrow them are met with firm refusals.
quote:


How can "possessiveness" be "healthy" or "unhealthy"?

As I mentioned before, certain levels of possessiveness (which will vary from person to person) can be very healthy for the relationship. A little bit from Val shows me that he values me in his life and considers me worth keeping and fighting for. It also depends where the possessiveness comes from. I would say that if it comes from a place of insecurity than it is unhealthy.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 3:58:33 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I see having a certain amount of possessiveness for one's spouse/mate/sub or dom to be a positive thing. It shows that they are concerned about the well being of their partner and also quite willing to be pro active in maintaining boundaries and guidelines that have been mutually agreed upon which defines much of the relationship. It's when the possessiveness becomes obsessive and the person is over reacting in a negative way which affects the relationship. Granted each person defines what's positive or negative based upon their own life experiences.

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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 4:41:37 PM   
sabis


Posts: 136
Joined: 6/29/2005
From: Midwest, USA
Status: offline 		I agree in large part with Aquatic's post, and see reflections of her descriptions in my own dynamic.
 
It thrills me to no end when my Owner grabs me by the hair, pulls me close, and growls, 'MINE.'  That expression of possessiveness thrills me to my core, makes me go weak at the knees, happy heart, wet pussy, etc. 
 
I am also enormously possessive, and hostile to most other women giving him attention. The green eyed demon sits on my shoulder: Just as I am his, he is MINE. There is only one woman I have ever been ok at the thought of him being in a scene with, because I know the mental space she plays in.  Our play is very sexual - and having some random large-tittied bint creaming her panties because of something he's doing would be Very Not Okay.  That's MY husband, MY dom, Mine Mine Mine.
 
At the same time, he very much enjoys seeing me submit to the use and discipline of others - because he knows that I do it for him, at his command, and under his authority and control.  Would someone attempt to introduce romance into the play of any kind, rather than simply using me, that would cross the line. My heart, more than anything else, belongs to him and him alone. My holes and body are his to loan out as he wishes.
 
In His service,
 
~sabis
owned by Cumulus
 

(in reply to beargonewild)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 5:00:45 PM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline
quote:

How do you define "possessiveness"?


I was married for a very long time to someone who was jealous and possessive, so the word "possessive" holds nothing but negative connotations for me (much like the word "owned" but that's a whole 'nother thread).  I define it as someone who is insecure and has the need to control, but in a not so good way - I remember feeling trapped and "walking on egg shells"

quote:

As a slave or sub, do you consider your Master to be "possessive"?


He doesn't share me with other men, but is quite happy for me to play with other females alone (mainly in a vanilla sense) so no I don't consider Him to be possessive.  Just to clarify, I'm not interested in playing with other men, in any sexual sense.

quote:

Is this a quality you find attractive?


See my opening statement

quote:

Are you attracted to a man who will actively treat you like his possession or propety?


No.  

quote:

Would this be considered a "red flag" in dating?
 

For me, it would be.



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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 5:34:10 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		For me it would be a red flag if Sir was posessive of me. It shows a lack of trust, and that would sadden me.


(in reply to Rayne58)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 5:42:24 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Possessiveness is immaturity.  It is akin to a pre-schooler crying over another taking his crayola.  Once we reach a certain age, I would hope that this possessive nonsense has been worn out of a guy (highschool and no further).  After a certain maturity level there comes a time when anyone you are with (if you made a good choice) is trustworthy enough to make their own decisions. If not, both of you, grow up. When this occurs, only the worry of someone literally car-jacking her away from you is a concern.  Then you have cause to be ACTUALLY become possessive. 

IF a man stalls at this point, well, that is another story ....lol

(in reply to oceanwynds)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 5:57:21 PM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		If people weren't "possessive" of others, they wouldn't say "My gf" or "My bf" or "My wife" or "My sub" or ... ... ... it would be "the xxx" ... 

(in reply to oceanwynds)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 6:06:47 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

If people weren't "possessive" of others, they wouldn't say "My gf" or "My bf" or "My wife" or "My sub" or ... ... ... it would be "the xxx" ... 


I don't believe the use of the word "my" in conversation has anything to do with being actually possessive but rather to show connections. "My teacher" is the person who is teaching me but I don't own her nor do I feel betrayed if she teaches someone else. I may not actually own "my book", the school may be lending it to me but it is the book assigned to me and therefore to differentiate it from all the other hundreds of copies of the exact same thing I refer to it as "mine".

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to pompeii)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 6:14:43 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		EXACTLY! I don't call him mine because I am possesive of him, how else am I supposed to indicate we're a couple when talking. The guy who dates me, or  he himself or something? Nah, just much simpler to say my..........* what ever it is I call him*


quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

If people weren't "possessive" of others, they wouldn't say "My gf" or "My bf" or "My wife" or "My sub" or ... ... ... it would be "the xxx" ... 


I don't believe the use of the word "my" in conversation has anything to do with being actually possessive but rather to show connections. "My teacher" is the person who is teaching me but I don't own her nor do I feel betrayed if she teaches someone else. I may not actually own "my book", the school may be lending it to me but it is the book assigned to me and therefore to differentiate it from all the other hundreds of copies of the exact same thing I refer to it as "mine".

(in reply to AquaticSub)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 6:30:07 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

If people weren't "possessive" of others, they wouldn't say "My gf" or "My bf" or "My wife" or "My sub" or ... ... ... it would be "the xxx" ... 


Oh i am so aware of that. It is one reason i do not use the word 'my' . :)

(in reply to pompeii)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 6:58:43 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
As a slave or sub, do you consider your Master to be "possessive"?

Yes, overall, but He's not foolish about it.  For instance, He is possessive in the sense that He won't allow me to have sexual intimacy with other men or other dominant partners of either sex.  He is not so possessive that He becomes jealous or insecure if I have conversations with other men or notices them noticing me.  Big difference.
quote:

Is this a quality you find attractive?

Yes, when exhibited as I've described above.  Being so controlling and insecure that He'd make me never look at or converse with other men would be ridiculous.  Knowing that He's the only man I'm going to be having any sexual interaction with because He says so - yep, I find that attractive.
quote:

Are you attracted to a man who will actively treat you like his possession or propety?

I was attracted to Him, so yes.  I love knowing that I am His possession and He has ultimate control over me and final say in all decisions.  It works for us and we both like it that way...............luci

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(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 7:03:18 PM   
BLGirl


Posts: 209
Joined: 10/17/2008
Status: offline 		I actually wish that Daddy were a little more possessive. I too, have had previous experience with jealous ex's and I would not choose to go down that road again, however, it would be nice to feel as though I had boundaries or was untouchable in public. Trust is a beautiful thing and I am very happy that we have it, but it would be nice to feel a little watched over, if you know what I mean.
 
Truthfully,
BLGirl

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 7:17:24 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Possessive translates for me into protective. If he didn't care about me, then he wouldn't care what I did or wore etc.

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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 7:31:47 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Carol is mine as long as she thinks she is.  For that duration, I "possess" her.  For as long as she gives herself to me, then I wish to own her, posess her, and control her completely.  Nothing unhealthy in all of that.  Within the context of our marriage, "mine" has become pretty literal, so in fact things that I would've called ridiculously possessive before are now well within my scope of command.  Still nothing wrong here that I can see.

Where it becomes unhealthy is when I try to possess her moreso than she wants to give herself to me.  This is when it transitions from a warm feeling of being wrapped up by me and turns instead into a claustrophobic relationship.  *shrugs*  she's mine until she's not anymore and she has the only vote that counts.

Just don't take more than what is offered and all is well.

_____________________________

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 8:30:12 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

How do you define "possessiveness"?

perceiving someone as a possession/owned/property.

quote:

As a slave or sub, do you consider your Master to be "possessive"?


yes, very.

quote:

Is this a quality you find attractive?


incredibly.

quote:

Are you attracted to a man who will actively treat you like his possession or property?


very much so.

quote:

Would this be considered a "red flag" in dating?


no...but the motivations behind it and/or expressions of it might be.

quote:

Is "possessiveness" part of your dynamic?


very much at the core, but it is not reciprocal.  there is no "my" in this relationship.

quote:

Is there a difference between being your Owner's "possession/property" and them being "possessive" of you?


to this slave, one is a noun form and the other is a verb form.

quote:

How can "possessiveness" be "healthy" or "unhealthy"?


like art and beauty, it's subjective.  this slave has been on the receiving end of both expressions of possessiveness.  the "unhealthy" kind made this slave wither and brush up next to death..the "healthy" kind made/makes this slave flourish and glad she is alive.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: Posessiveness - 12/20/2008 8:40:30 PM   
utopicus


Posts: 97
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		That's strange, because I consider myself possessive, albeit my submissive personality.
I believe in a strong emotional bond to be the requisite of any relationship - as such, I'm rather possessive regarding my Domme partner - I want Her to be mine and mine only. Whether or not I like to be told what do to, speak or think - that's a different matter.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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