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Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 10:08:01 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

Ok so it's nearly christmas and not far from new year, the traditional time to analyse the past twelve months and make new years resolutions. Being as there is more chance of me plaiting snot than keeping a new year's resolution i don't make them. I do analyse my year though.

This year for the first time in nearly three years i tried / attempted to have a relationship that involved emotion. It was a real rollercoaster ride, scared the crap out of me, felt like i was learning to ride a bike again! It was good though whilst it lasted.

I licked my wounds for a while, thought on things and got back up and decided i would try again. So i have and i find myelf in a 'relationship' where it isn't just all about slavery and beatings. Again i have opened myself up to emotion, nilla times with this man.

Things are pretty good, definitely taking things slowly, i'm enjoying myself. However i'm still flooping about the small stuff that most people would handle in a jiffy. I'm still struggling to open myself up and let this man in as easily as i think i should be doing. I'm so guarded about what it is we have that i have no idea about what it is we have. I'm too scared to ask, too scared to let any of my feelings out. Therefore as would be expected i don't get much back from him either.

Now to the crunch. I find myself drifting back to the day's of thinking that closing off my emotions, just serving and getting beaten is where i really should be / want to be. I feel like over the past twelve months all of my hard work at opening myself up to possibilities has gone to waste. I feel like i've just come full circle and am right back where i was twelve months ago.

Don't get me wrong, i know i have grown as a person and in experience. I took a chance this year on an emotional relationship. I have had some firsts, my first suspension, my first time at multi dating etc etc. Still can't help but thinking 'waste of time' though.

I really didn't want to be back where i started though, didn't anticipate and don't really know what to do about this 'coming around again' feeling?

Any thoughts, experience, advice?

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

Post #: 1

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 10:17:41 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

You have to try things to know what you want, even if you already had what you wanted in the first place.
In the future, don't have expectations. Have goals instead.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 2

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 10:49:08 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

Emotional attachment and openness in relationship is hard, but I believe it to be the most rewarding thing about Love - that amazing connection that two people can forge. During the NRE period, it can be spectacular. As the relationship ages, hopefully it transitions to a long-term connectedness that becomes the strong foundation for the relationship.

And yea, there is risk to of putting your heart out there. You cannot usually avoid "hurt", but hopefully you can avoid "harm".

Sounds like you had a wonderful experience, with some hurt (hopefully no harm) at the end. I hope overall it was positive, and from your post it sounds like you are glad you were there for it.

In the end, the Love you take is equal to the Love you make - Paul had it right I think.

Don't be afraid to go to the edge again.

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 3

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 11:01:02 AM

monywildcat

Posts: 452
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline

It sounds like a lot of growth has taken place in your life, miss, and it's not a waste. It is truly a scary thing to open yourself up to emotions and all that, but in the end it's well worth it. See, you are in a relationship now where you can apply what you have learned from the last one. And so on, the circle of life keeps on turning. Good times!

I too, was incredibly closed off emotionally from Daddy, I could see that we were getting pretty snug and it terrified me. I would have been intent on staying "friends with benefits" but something possessed me to ask where in the hell was this going. I would not have been so brave a year ago. And now, here we are. Yay!

_____________________________

Major Life Change Necessitates Personal Reinvention...

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 4

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 11:28:38 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

Sounds like love-drop lol.

Maybe discussing what you feel (being asked to) during a scene will help you cope better when it is over and even jog memories long after you are out of sight of this man. Being verbal and open during scene might give your body and mind a sort of 'reward' for any feelings of 'true adoration' for this fellow.

Feelings coming out when you aren't used to it (trust me, I know) seem ok at the moment but afterwards it almost tastes like regret and guilt in hopes that it is genuine and sincere (yet you likely mistrust your own judgement on this call).

It might pass, it might not. Avoid thinking negative about any of it, or not at all till the next scene. It might just be a simple case of sensory overload. Ride it out.

(in reply to monywildcat)

Post #: 5

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 12:30:07 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

Self protection makes us feel strong..yet to give into love with all the insecurities it brings... its the most courageous, rewarding journey you will ever undertake.

Just thought of the desiderata when I read your post, you've probably read it before but here it is again: Particularly the line "you have a right to be here".

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 6

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 12:46:44 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I think I'd be asking a lot of *why* questions and perhaps focus on the fact that I'm not actually back where I started.

Sometimes it's easier finding out what we don't want than trying to work out what we do want. You might just discover that the beating/serving scenario works best for you until it REALLY doesn't.

Unless you deal with the bits that stop or hinder you getting emotionally involved you'll probably just continue in a circular fashion. Considering the length of time it takes to get into a relationship with an emotional content, ending it and beginning another........I'd think that was quite a lot in one year to contend with.

agirl

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 7

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 3:23:23 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

What\ are you...afraid...of...

Take a risk...

Open yourself up...

You deserve...that as does...anyone your involved with...

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 8

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 3:37:06 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

I've never viewed a relationship, even those that don't work out the way we would have liked, to be a waste of time. I think that every person that comes into our lives teaches us something about ourselves. Some of those things we learn answer a lot of questions for us and some of those things we learn just lead us to a lot more questions. I think you have been learning a lot...even if it isn't entirely clear to you right now. I think that if you really look back at it you will see that also...maybe not now...but in time...and you will realize too that it wasn't really wasted time.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 9

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 3:38:26 PM

IvyMorgan

Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
Things are pretty good, definitely taking things slowly, i'm enjoying myself. However i'm still flooping about the small stuff that most people would handle in a jiffy. I'm still struggling to open myself up and let this man in as easily as i think i should be doing. I'm so guarded about what it is we have that i have no idea about what it is we have. I'm too scared to ask, too scared to let any of my feelings out. Therefore as would be expected i don't get much back from him either.

...

Any thoughts, experience, advice?

Should and Must are very punishing words to use. Try not to tell yourself "should" and be a little more forgiving, and compassionate with yourself, your relationship will come with time, but beating yourself up over it won't make it come any faster.

Though you may think you are slipping back to the way things were, you won't go back to being the person you were, because you have been changed by the experiences of this year.

Tuppance from me, anyway.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 10

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 3:42:50 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

misst...you have mail

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 11

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 3:54:47 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

What you resist, persists.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 12

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 5:14:21 PM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

Since we are coming around again, maybe make some goals to advance forward in opening up to your emotions. Break the goal down into small steps, and remember to breath through it, as you reflect.

oceanwynds

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 6:09:15 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Talk to him.

But I can't help but wonder if you're thinking about running back to a nonemotional relationship because you're feeling vulnerable. And that's scary.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 14

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 6:17:21 PM

cagliostro

Posts: 128
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline

I don't think that you've "wasted" your time at all. It sounds like perfectly normal intimacy issues. Most people have them, or we wouldn't have movies like Runaway Bride. Most people will either run or subconsciously f things up somehow. So you're already a step up from that. You recognize the issue, and that you've been there before, and most importantly that it didn't make you happy before.

Is it possible that you're just scared? Not in a bad way. Just uncomfortable with the progress you have made. You're obviously conflicted about "coming around again." Enough so that you posted.

We don't like things that feel bad to us. But we have a way of drifting toward things that feel safe and comfortable, even when we know they are bad for us. Perhaps you feel safer cut off from everyone, and that's really the root of the problem. It sounds like you're trying to get beyond that, and that's wonderful. It takes bravery to work outside your comfort zone. So is it a waste? Only if you give up and go back to the way you were before. You did/are doing the right thing. Somewhere inside you know that. What to do? Take a chance. You only live once. What you could say to him? You try my approach. I say something like, "I suck at reading relationships. What do you think we have?" Sad but true. I was mentally absent that phase of growing up. But if you ask with genuine curiosity and are willing to accept whatever he says, you'll be fine. At the very least you'll know where you stand. And guys appreciate a question that we actually understand from start to finish. Usually we have to do a couple phases of interpretation, what does this mean, am I being interrogated, etc.

The best way to be sure something never happens is never try.

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 15

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 6:58:02 PM

mc1234

Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Talk to him.

But I can't help but wonder if you're thinking about running back to a nonemotional relationship because you're feeling vulnerable. And that's scary.

I agree. And if it's a difficult thing to think about talking face to face with him, write a letter, explaining how you're feeling and asking for a response from him about where he thinks you're heading together.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: Coming around again. - 12/17/2008 7:50:15 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

I worry more that she is chasing an emotional connection for no other reason than to think she is missing something according to other people's standards.

I don't know how old the OP is for certain, I have mouse issues and frankly to check would take 400 clicks, but I am almost sure she can handle herself either way.

OP, I certainly understand you, I do the same. I avoid emotional connection when possible (when it isn't important to me, that is).

Do not underestimate yourself in your thoughts that it brings about feelings that you did not expect at the moment yet later (when the physical input is over) you deny and reject all responsibility of acts of (supposed) love being confused with wanton behavior.

Did you ever consider that despite you kicking yourself for all this behavior is simply because you simply didn't feel enough because he wasn't 'right'? Don't assume your first attempt at a highly emotional bdsm relationship is the be all and end all.

Feel what you feel, temporarily or not, it is yours to feel, up or down. If this guy doesn't understand your bitter-sweet submission at the moment and take the time to help you understand yourself, then off with him. I think your babysteps (even backwards) are fairing you well and at a healthy mis-stepped pace.

(in reply to mc1234)

Post #: 17

RE: Coming around again. - 12/18/2008 1:33:37 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline

i think the guys here have got it right. you havent wasted your time and youre not so much back where you started. as you said, youve grown and learnt alot about yourself.

i think moving from one emotional relationship to another as 'quickly' as you have will have its fall out. switching emotions to someone else isnt easy. i almost always take a good year before i feel ready to move on emotionally, with any depth.

emotional submission is a deep thing. ive never actually bottomed, but i would imagine that the whole 'play for today and move on' is completely different to the D/s dynamic where two people invest so much more of themselves and their time.

sometimes trying something out, it not working out so well means returning to what you know and are comfortable with gives you a time of healing and space - doesnt mean necessarily that youre not cut out for emotional entanglement, just means that youre a bit crap at it right now

(alot of us are) but with practice youll get there, one day, whenever, sometime, maybe next year, if you want to and if the right guy strolls up and says 'howabout it'.

dont scrub out what youve learnt so far, its all about baby steps, as they say. xx

_____________________________

even doves have pride (Prince)

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 18

RE: Coming around again. - 12/18/2008 8:42:53 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

quote:

What\ are you...afraid...of...

Take a risk...

Open yourself up...

You deserve...that as does...anyone your involved with...

Plain and simply getting hurt.

quote:

But I can't help but wonder if you're thinking about running back to a nonemotional relationship because you're feeling vulnerable. And that's scary.

Definately. I worry i may have more invested than he has.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to ThundersCry)

Post #: 19

RE: Coming around again. - 12/18/2008 9:02:55 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

What\ are you...afraid...of...

Take a risk...

Open yourself up...

You deserve...that as does...anyone your involved with...

Plain and simply getting hurt.

quote:

But I can't help but wonder if you're thinking about running back to a nonemotional relationship because you're feeling vulnerable. And that's scary.

Definately. I worry i may have more invested than he has.

Do you know what he's invested?

I'm not attached to M in the same way he is to me. If I moved off, he'd be sad.....if HE moved off I'd be devastated. My world would be rocked in a way that his wouldn't be.

agirl

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 20

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