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Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 10:32:47 AM

KalaNoir2112

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline

Hello All,

I have a question that needs to be answered. I have a good friend of my in the lifestyle for a number of years. She is not a domme nor sub, but loves to dabble in bdsm with the hubby. She is faithful to this man for 17 years. She is a awesome person. Anyway, her husband acquired a new sub; a married woman, who claims that she and her husband have an open relationship. As far as my friend knows, her husband never met nor talked to the subbie's husband on the phone. Also, her husband has had relations with this sub in the house she shares with her spouse, which I consider a no-no unless hubby is present or has given expressed permission to.

No, this sub wants my friend's husband to spend the weekend with her in Las Vegas. This sub has never been introduced to nor has spoken to her on the phone. I find this to be suspect on the part of the sub, and disrepect/ignorance on the part of the husband.

My advice to her, is that she should communicate with her husband that before he leaves with this woman, that the sub should properly introduce herself. Also, I told her to tell her husband that before he leaves for Vegas, to find out the true facts of his sub's relationship. Because, let's face it: If this sub has not been truthful, then she will cause all kinds of trouble for my friend's husband. It is not that I am so much concerned about him. It's the fact that this will have such an effect on her. I would like everyone' imput on this matter. Thank you.

Post #: 1

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 10:35:17 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

People in poly relationships have to set ground rules.. you've mentioned several 'no nos' but does your friend think they are? If she does, then SHE, not you, needs to set ground rules in her relationship...perhaps the things you have stated are a good start...

oh yeah, and in the end, dangerous pussy would be my guess... but I'd be more concerned about the husband.. he might have a gun

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 12/9/2008 10:43:31 AM >

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
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(in reply to KalaNoir2112)

Post #: 2

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 10:44:56 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

You can't protect people from stupid. The hubby has already stepped right into whatever the situation is... compounding it with a trip could bring things to a head at some point, but somebody might have thought about all this before things went where they did. The other hubby already has a right to be mad if he isn't aware of his submissive wife's play time and partners.

As wife of the first hubby... I would want to know things were on the up and up or that trip wouldn't be happening. Nobody is bringing their stupid into my life... but... it seems things have already been set in motion. But there is still time to remedy it and have a stern converstation with hubby on what he might be bringing home to mama.

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(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 3

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 10:46:10 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

why would she allow her husband to "acquire" anything, especially a woman who is married to another, without fully investigating the circumstances and meeting everyone involved...or are you saying this all happened behind her back?

(in reply to KalaNoir2112)

Post #: 4

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 10:49:28 AM

SageFemmexx

Posts: 240
Joined: 1/2/2007
Status: offline

It is a dangerous situation. Too often I've seen women pretending to be submissive who are actually trolling for someone else's husband. They know all the right things to say but the reality is they don't respect primary relationships. Someone is going to get hurt here so be careful.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 5

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 10:55:10 AM

utopicus

Posts: 97
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

Hello

It's exactly as you said: disrespect on the part of your friend's husband. I don't believe we are talking here about a polyamorous relationship, so long as your friend has been faithful to her husband for 17 years. A poly relationship goes both ways and, exactly as Madame4a said - it needs to have set up clear rules, without which the danger of its dissolution is tangible.
The problem here is not the "pussy" subbie, but your friend's husband. Honestly, I find unacceptable that he would consider any sort of relationship with somebody else and this is because the faith his wife has shown in their marriage. I don't know what your friend's views are regarding extramarital affairs, but I doubt she would accept them. Why faithfulness for 17 years?
If I may make a suggestion, then it will be that your wife needs to properly discuss with her husband about the way their marriage go and, should both of them agreed upon an open relationship, then a proper protocol must be observed. Madame4a has indicated some points.

Regards,

(in reply to KalaNoir2112)

Post #: 6

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 10:56:58 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KalaNoir2112

I would like everyone' imput on this matter. Thank you.

The short answer? Butt out.

The long answer? Whatever "rules" are in place in your friend's marriage, and in this other woman's marriage, are between the respective spouses. If the "other husband" has a rule that she can do whatever she wants as long as it is not thrown in his face, then so be it. If your friend's husband has a rule that his partners don't meet his wife, then so be it. If any of the parties that are actually involved have a problem with that, then it is up to them to deal with it. Inserting yourself into their relationship is inappropriate.

I'm not saying those are the rules in place here, I'm using those as an example.

Cali

_____________________________

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(in reply to KalaNoir2112)

Post #: 7

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 10:58:57 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

why would she allow her husband to "acquire" anything, especially a woman who is married to another, without fully investigating the circumstances and meeting everyone involved...or are you saying this all happened behind her back?

I have a hard time believing that you would investigate and lay down ground rules if your master did something like this. Now I know he is not the type to do this, but lets say he did and he didnt give you permission to "investigate". You would investigate anyway?

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 12/9/2008 10:59:27 AM >

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 8

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 11:00:42 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

My opinion. If you are not one of the 4 parties involved in this situation, it really isn't any of your business. And, since we don't have any points of view from any of the 4 parties, we don't really know the whole story. Without the whole story, we cannot give any sort of worth while opinion.

_____________________________

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to KalaNoir2112)

Post #: 9

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 11:01:07 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

If it is an open relationship like the sub claims it is maybe her husband doesn't want to meet the guy she 'plays' with. Still an over the phone meet should not be out of the question to ensure your friend's husband (who has a wife and family no doubt) isn't awoken to some jealous weapon weiding husband in the middle of the night.

It is only fair that this sub share some of the responsibility of sharing the 'knowledge' of this so called relationship. If it is too risky for her, then obviously he isn't as understanding and knowing as she claims.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 10

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 11:06:09 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: KalaNoir2112

I would like everyone' imput on this matter. Thank you.

The short answer? Butt out.

The long answer? Whatever "rules" are in place in your friend's marriage, and in this other woman's marriage, are between the respective spouses. If the "other husband" has a rule that she can do whatever she wants as long as it is not thrown in his face, then so be it. If your friend's husband has a rule that his partners don't meet his wife, then so be it. If any of the parties that are actually involved have a problem with that, then it is up to them to deal with it. Inserting yourself into their relationship is inappropriate.

I'm not saying those are the rules in place here, I'm using those as an example.

Cali

I have to second this answer. You don't know the circumstances. It's none of your business, and what YOU believe should happen isn't always what's best for other relationships. If your friend wants to meet the sub, she would do well to talk to her husband about it (or any other concern she has). Together they can come to an agreement they will both feel comfortable with. I'm not a fan of insisting what a partner should do (I hate "should" statements). He may have his reasons, which he hasn't' communicated to her. To come at him full barrel with "should" statements isn't going to help the situation. Talk it out, ask questions, state concerns, and work on it together.

But a friend deciding what someone else's husband or 3rd party "should" do is inappropriate, in my opinion.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 11

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 11:07:04 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I can promise you that isn't how things would work around here. That's not the kind of poly we are interested in. We're more the type to make sure that everyone knows everyone else and make our best attempt to be sure that everyone is ok with what is going on. For Me, there would be nothing happening until I talked to that spouse, and that includes both play and sex.

Of course, not everyone handles their own situations the way I handle Mine. Each couple who discusses it between themselves has their own right to make their own rules. I didn't give them a vote when hubby and I decided that poly was for us and how we would pursue it. I don't get a vote in anyone else's relationship.

Which leads to basically this. Neither you, your friend, or your friend's husband get to decide how your friend's husband's sub (there's a mouthful for you) and her husband operate their relationship. What your friend's husband can do is decide what kind of poly he's willing to participate in. If there's no comfort level in him having a sub who's husband he's never met, he doesn't have to have her for a sub. Your friend has every right to make that a part of the understanding between herself and her husband if she is uncomfortable with the situation.

Lastly, please remember that you, as a friend, don't really get a vote in the matter. I'm sure you'll offer your opinion of the situation, but that's really about as far as you get to go with it. There might be an 'I told you so' chapter to this later down the road (I suspect there will be) but if you're not intimately involved with any of them, that's about as much input as you get.

_____________________________

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(in reply to KalaNoir2112)

Post #: 12

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 11:16:53 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

BDSM poly is not an excuse for "dicking around" and no one will ever tell Me otherwise. I agree with Calif, butt out--these are adults with brains of their own and obviously no common sense.

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I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to KalaNoir2112)

Post #: 13

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 11:18:51 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

why would she allow her husband to "acquire" anything, especially a woman who is married to another, without fully investigating the circumstances and meeting everyone involved...or are you saying this all happened behind her back?

I have a hard time believing that you would investigate and lay down ground rules if your master did something like this. Now I know he is not the type to do this, but lets say he did and he didnt give you permission to "investigate". You would investigate anyway?

this slave wouldn't. it would be wholly inappropriate, based on the Master/slave relationship she is a part of. but it isn't about this slave's M/s relationship...or anyone's M/s or even D/s relationship. it is about a relationship that has marriage as it's foundation...with a little dabbling in BDSM on the side.

to this slave, it is a major distinction.

this slave isn't a wife of 17 years who is neither domme nor submissive but dabbles in bdsm with the hubby...but if she was, then she would imagine that she would indeed investigate, make sure introductions were made all around, set down the ground rules for the extra-marital relationship(s) that her husband desired to be a part of and if he didn't abide by the rules---hold him accountable.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 14

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 11:26:30 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

why would she allow her husband to "acquire" anything, especially a woman who is married to another, without fully investigating the circumstances and meeting everyone involved...or are you saying this all happened behind her back?

quote fully for emphasis... "fully investigating the circumstances and meeting everyone involved..."

I agree with you

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 15

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 12:18:11 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: KalaNoir2112

I would like everyone' imput on this matter. Thank you.

The short answer? Butt out.

The long answer? Whatever "rules" are in place in your friend's marriage, and in this other woman's marriage, are between the respective spouses. If the "other husband" has a rule that she can do whatever she wants as long as it is not thrown in his face, then so be it. If your friend's husband has a rule that his partners don't meet his wife, then so be it. If any of the parties that are actually involved have a problem with that, then it is up to them to deal with it. Inserting yourself into their relationship is inappropriate.

I'm not saying those are the rules in place here, I'm using those as an example.

Cali

DITTO... thanks cali for saving me fingers!!!!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 16

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 12:35:29 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

why would she allow her husband to "acquire" anything, especially a woman who is married to another, without fully investigating the circumstances and meeting everyone involved...or are you saying this all happened behind her back?

I have a hard time believing that you would investigate and lay down ground rules if your master did something like this. Now I know he is not the type to do this, but lets say he did and he didnt give you permission to "investigate". You would investigate anyway?

this slave wouldn't. it would be wholly inappropriate, based on the Master/slave relationship she is a part of. but it isn't about this slave's M/s relationship...or anyone's M/s or even D/s relationship. it is about a relationship that has marriage as it's foundation...with a little dabbling in BDSM on the side.

to this slave, it is a major distinction.

this slave isn't a wife of 17 years who is neither domme nor submissive but dabbles in bdsm with the hubby...but if she was, then she would imagine that she would indeed investigate, make sure introductions were made all around, set down the ground rules for the extra-marital relationship(s) that her husband desired to be a part of and if he didn't abide by the rules---hold him accountable.

Yes, My point though, perhaps it was not emphasized is we don't know there dynamic or how Submissive she is in her vanilla marriage. It may very well be that she doesn't have a say or that he is being dense and not listening. We just don't know.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 17

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 12:37:15 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Maybe your friend doesn't care where he goes or who he sees. Because if this was a deal breaker to her, then hubby would already know about it. Maybe all she cares about is how people view her.

Buy her a box of condoms with the suggestion strongly worded that since he plays elsewhere she needs to protect herself. And since she doesn't trust the other woman, she needs to inform him that he's going gloved at home from now on.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 18

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 1:28:00 PM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

Based on the info given, it sounds like a trainwreck in the making, but it's up to those actually involved in said trainwreck to decide what to do and do it. No one else has the right to tell them what to do or how to deal with it. Opinions can be given if accepted, but that's about it really aside from just being there if the friend needs a friend.

_____________________________

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(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 19

RE: Submissive or Dangerous Pussy? - 12/9/2008 1:38:31 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

My thoughts...

1. Certain things are sacred, sacrosanct and never to be defiled by non-consensual third party involvement, between parent and offspring, siblings and marital spouses.

2. BDSM is no asylum for those who cannot respect interpersonal relationships. Polyamory is defined by all parties understanding all the relationships, not by someone calling it polyamory.

3. The only known cure for stupidity is adversity.

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(in reply to KalaNoir2112)

Post #: 20

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