quote:

ORIGINAL: KalaNoir2112

Hello All,

I have a question that needs to be answered. I have a good friend of my in the lifestyle for a number of years. She is not a domme nor sub, but loves to dabble in bdsm with the hubby. She is faithful to this man for 17 years. She is a awesome person. Anyway, her husband acquired a new sub; a married woman, who claims that she and her husband have an open relationship. As far as my friend knows, her husband never met nor talked to the subbie's husband on the phone. Also, her husband has had relations with this sub in the house she shares with her spouse, which I consider a no-no unless hubby is present or has given expressed permission to.

No, this sub wants my friend's husband to spend the weekend with her in Las Vegas. This sub has never been introduced to nor has spoken to her on the phone. I find this to be suspect on the part of the sub, and disrepect/ignorance on the part of the husband. 

My advice to her, is that she should communicate with her husband that before he leaves with this woman, that the sub should properly introduce herself. Also, I told her to tell her husband that before he leaves for Vegas, to find out the true facts of his sub's relationship. Because, let's face it: If this sub has not been truthful, then she will cause all kinds of trouble for my friend's husband. It is not that I am so much concerned about him. It's the fact that this will have such an effect on her. I would like everyone' imput on this matter. Thank you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

if they are so new to the concept of poly that they dont understand the phrase....everything above board and on the table...then they are too ignorant of the ways of the world to be crossing state lines to play or do anything.....just sayin.

its not poly unless everyone knows about it...without the honesty....its just another bunch of cheaters.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

My opinion. If you are not one of the 4 parties involved in this situation, it really isn't any of your business. And, since we don't have any points of view from any of the 4 parties, we don't really know the whole story. Without the whole story, we cannot give any sort of worth while opinion.

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ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

BDSM poly is not an excuse for "dicking around" and no one will ever tell Me otherwise.  I agree with Calif, butt out--these are adults with brains of their own and obviously no common sense.

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ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

My opinion. If you are not one of the 4 parties involved in this situation, it really isn't any of your business. And, since we don't have any points of view from any of the 4 parties, we don't really know the whole story. Without the whole story, we cannot give any sort of worth while opinion.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, but LaT...people form opinions all the time without having all sides.  C'mon...give it a shot. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: KalaNoir2112

I thank you all for your imput. And yes, I understand what most of you are saying. First of all, she can to me, not I to her. Second, she is not in a poly relationship (I cannot for the life of me understand how some came to that conclusion). Third, she loves her husband very much; and yes, you all do not have the whole story. But I can tell you: I have know her for 26 years, and she is the sweetest person. And though he has never lifted a finger to hurt her, the mental abuse is more damaging. And fourth, she wanted me to post her story here. Why? Because she wanted the opinions of outsiders. I may be her friend, but I am too close to her. She needed to read it from others.

She is making her own decisions concerning her situation. She knows what kind of life she wants for herself; I will only be there for support. When I talked to her a couple dasy ago, I was informed that her husband's days were "numbered". I did not ask her the meaning of that statement. But I know her well; hubby will definitely be history in 2009. Keep writing!

Ms. Kala Noir 

quote:

ORIGINAL: KalaNoir2112

I thank you all for your imput. And yes, I understand what most of you are saying. First of all, she can to me, not I to her. Second, she is not in a poly relationship (I cannot for the life of me understand how some came to that conclusion). Third, she loves her husband very much; and yes, you all do not have the whole story. But I can tell you: I have know her for 26 years, and she is the sweetest person. And though he has never lifted a finger to hurt her, the mental abuse is more damaging. And fourth, she wanted me to post her story here. Why? Because she wanted the opinions of outsiders. I may be her friend, but I am too close to her. She needed to read it from others.

She is making her own decisions concerning her situation. She knows what kind of life she wants for herself; I will only be there for support. When I talked to her a couple dasy ago, I was informed that her husband's days were "numbered". I did not ask her the meaning of that statement. But I know her well; hubby will definitely be history in 2009. Keep writing!

Ms. Kala Noir 

quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable

Speaking from my own marriage:  if/when someone tells me "I need to verify what you've said to me by speaking to/getting permission from your spouse" whatever friendship we had ends.

Calling me a liar to my face or treating me like my spouse's property are both friendship (of whatever sort) dealbreakers.  Doing both at the same time?  I'm just happy I found out how disrespectful the person was, both to me and my marriage, before I wasted any more time on them.

She could be a liar, true, and calling her out would cover their butts...  OR...  They could be in effect calling an honest person horrible names and, rightfully, losing their respect.  They need to decide which way they want to risk erring.

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable

Speaking from my own marriage:  if/when someone tells me "I need to verify what you've said to me by speaking to/getting permission from your spouse" whatever friendship we had ends.

Calling me a liar to my face or treating me like my spouse's property are both friendship (of whatever sort) dealbreakers.  Doing both at the same time?  I'm just happy I found out how disrespectful the person was, both to me and my marriage, before I wasted any more time on them.

She could be a liar, true, and calling her out would cover their butts...  OR...  They could be in effect calling an honest person horrible names and, rightfully, losing their respect.  They need to decide which way they want to risk erring.

Don't ask Me why, but I'm surprised to hear you say that, Rumpus.  I would tend to think that it meant the other person you were dealing with wanted to be sure they were respecting the marriage more than anything else.  It doesn't have anything to do with not believing your honesty about your situation. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable

Back to the nosey/disrespectful thing I said, as I see it it's quite one thing to ask someone a question about a subject they've expressed is open with the possibly of being told "Oh, nope, that's an area (of that subject) we keep private/won't discuss further" and another to run into that point and try to push past it.  The former is just part of getting to know folks, it happens.  The latter is where someone crosses into disrespecting both the person who is saying "Sorry, this is the boundary" and the marriage that boundary is a private matter of and that is what I was speaking to:  running into the point where someone says "this is how it is, and that's what I'm sharing" and the other people wanting to look into it further... some may not mind that person wanting to look further into their other relationship, but some will.  It's a risk to consider and weigh in handling the situation the OP presented.

I'm just of the second half due to the my own cultural background and preferences, once I say (about any subject in my life) "I'm not okay with this topic going further" then any pressing past that is considered rude and disrespectful to my boundaries.  And I'm much more protective of the boundaries regarding my private marriage details, as they involve someone other than just myself (who happens to be my best friend plus..).  If I say to someone, "That's not up for discussion/doing with my marriage" and someone presses, they are not just being disrespectful of my own boundaries, but also the boundaries of my marriage agreed on by my spouse and I because they are trying to push past them.

The OP's situation isn't one that would apply to me, but those are the issues that come to mind whenever these topics come up.

To the wrapping party, I was sad to miss it!  I've not been feeling well so have been missing a lot of stuff lately.  Saw you wrote elsewhere that your spouse will be coming home on leave soon!  Congrats!  I hope you have a lovely time to share! 

Looks like my own may well be being deployed as soon as he in-processes at our new location in a couple months.  Hopefully it'll be a (relatively) "good" deployement lol.  He got pretty lucky with the last, so am crossing fingers again.