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RE: Escape Clause - 12/3/2008 5:57:33 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

I have my own little nestegg off to the side in the event of a terrible disaster.  This is in my vanilla marriage and has absolutely nothing to do with the health of our relationship.  I have been through having to walk away from a marriage and subsequently losing my spouse to death.  There was no insurance, I had little income, and still had to manage supporting myself and my child.  I chose to never be in that position again.

This money is mine.  The account and assets are in my name only with beneficiaries listed in the event of my death.  Only one other person knows about this money and the arrangements set upon it, and that person is not my husband or my children.  It is a strongly interest bearing account and reasonably accessible upon being needed (this is a way to account for inevitable inflation and other expenses that may arise in the meantime).  It is not a motherload of funds, but it is enough to start over if needed or maintain things for awhile.  Sometimes I think the time has come to dip in, but I resist because there are only a few limited reasons I would use it, my spouse's death or the dissolution of our marriage by other means.  Being broke isn't enough.  Health issues aren't enough.  It is for the REAL emergencies of life.

I don't think I would want anyone knowing of my escape plans, especially the person I just might be escaping from.  I would think I would want all the funds I needed in place prior to moving even if that grossly delayed the move.  I would insist on having my own money in the form of employment and separate banking accounts for a very long time after the move because of the lack of supports and other "comforts of home". 

I also have all my important papers together (birth and death certificates, insurance items, deeds and titles, etc).  This is in a safe deposit box that, again, only I know of and one other person.  I don't have to collect these things from boxes as I am in the middle of a move or worse.  They are organized, legal, and readily available.  I also have such things as change of address forms and a listing of all my various everyday accounts such as bank accounts, telephone account, and the like available as well.

None of this is about trust.  It is about being smart and ready when life throws you a curve.  I learned the hard way, but I took the lesson.  I don't expect someone else to take care of me.  That is my job.  If a dominant wanted to have a part, the money would be handed to me in cash prior to my arrival for me to use at my discretiion, but for that specific purpose.  It would never be seen again and would be considered mine.  I would treat it as I do these funds.  The money will one day be used, the only question remaining is how or when.

lovingpet   



You, lady, are one smart cookie!  Oh that i was as smart as you when i was younger. *grins*

To have money and papers available to enable anyone to get out of an untenentable position is a wonderful idea - and everyone needs to take note!

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Escape Clause - 12/3/2008 6:04:49 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Infinitesub

I wanted to ask the Dom(me)s/Masters as well as the subs/slaves of this site what were they're thoughts on the concept of a Dom/me providing an escape fund for a sub that comes halfway across country to live with them. Do agree or disagree with it? Is it something you use and/or require when dealing with a sub/slave?


There is no universal answer to this quesiton.  My girl Kyra not only came all the way across her country.. she went into another country.  I didn't provide or create an escape fund.  However, she is maintaining and growing a fund that serves many purposes.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Infinitesub)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Escape Clause - 12/3/2008 6:14:07 PM   
silkncarol


Posts: 318
Status: offline 		I agree with this statement too....if i relocated to someone else i would expect to provide for myself,  contribute to our household in a proportional way based on our financial situations.  I've lived long enough to know there are no gurantees in life, promises and good intentions don't always work out the way they're planned. 

As far as an escape fund i have mixed feelings on it......in our throw away society too many give up instead of working on a relationship.  But if i'm giving up most of my household items, family, friends, job to relocate across the country and the most that person is giving up is an empty dresser drawer and closet space that seems hardly fair either.  Definitely something i'd have to discuss with my partner.   A close friend of mine gave up her life here and moved to be with her SO in another state....when she got there he handed her a bank card with money in the account...so if she ever needed to go home she could... He wanted her there because she wanted to be...not because she had no other options.  As their relationship strengthened, the need to keep that escape money became less important and it was finally absorbed back into the household budget....

I've only been in one LDR...we did the back and forth thing a few months then decided we both wanted more than that option was giving us.  We sat and discussed the pro's and con's of each of us relocating to the others state.  I would have gladly given up what i had to be with him;  but he decided i was the one who would be giving up the most.  He was semi-retired and could work from home anywhere..so he leased his house, disposed of his household goods, packed and moved to me.  He took the far greater risk, that's for sure....and because he was willing to do that spoke volumns to me on what he thought of our future......

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

Ok, here's something to think about. Would you want to depend on someone with whom you weren't getting along to make sure that you were taken care of after everything fell apart?

My general philosophy is "make sure you can take care of yourself -- because when everything goes to hell in a handbasket, there isn't anyone else you can count on. Call me a cynic, but that's my take.


_____________________________

We attract hearts by the qualities we display. We retain them by the qualities we possess.

Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Escape Clause - 12/3/2008 6:17:54 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		It was a hard won lesson.  I don't like my position now where I am unable to earn my own money because my health really makes it difficult.  Part of my checks when I am working go into that as well at the predesignated intravels.  It truly is MY money, that I worked for, so there really is no contest of it if the question would ever somehow arise.  Soon I hope new contributions can begin again.

Oh, and I also have a few buck stashed for any interim there may be between when I need my bigger funds and the time it will take me to access them.  This is cash kept in that same safe deposit box.  I also see to it that I am NEVER without at least $20 in my pocket.  One of the biggest problems both those leaving a relationship and widowed individuals have is dealing with the uncertainty of the inbetween time.  I do my best to have my contingencies covered.

lovingpet 

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Escape Clause - 12/3/2008 6:46:14 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		If we're talking about a relationship in which all financial assets and property are transferred to one person- yes it makes sense to put many things in order "just in case"- of death, disaster, etc

Otherwise, I wouldn't choose to be with a partner who wasn't independent enough to have those things in place for themselves to start with.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Escape Clause - 12/3/2008 6:54:47 PM   
elegantalexis


Posts: 237
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		No flames, just agreeing with you.  Know of any at-home jobs I can do?

(in reply to CountrySong)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Escape Clause - 12/3/2008 10:31:19 PM   
monywildcat


Posts: 452
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline 		Oh wow I want one of those stay at home jobs too!   One thing I found funny when I wore the "stay-at-home mom" hat, is that never seemed to be at home.  I was constantly running about on errands, doctor visits, to and from little friend's houses for "playdates" *shudders* among other things...buit seriously...

I would think that for me personally, I would have my own "escape fund" because if there is some sort of falling-out that would necessitate me moving back to where I came from, I sure as hell wouldn't want to depend on the other half of the falling-out to help me relocate.  But then, relocating to be with someone is on my hard-limit list, along with shots of Hot Damn. 

_____________________________

Major Life Change Necessitates Personal Reinvention...

(in reply to elegantalexis)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Escape Clause - 12/3/2008 10:40:35 PM   
moonvine


Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: monywildcat

But then, relocating to be with someone is on my hard-limit list.


Oh lord, me too.  If any relocating is to be done they can relocate to me.  Or they can marry me, which will give me legal protection and rights not afforded to live ins.  But never never again will I relocate to someone else.  Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt.

(in reply to monywildcat)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Escape Clause - 12/4/2008 11:07:45 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross


... I wouldn't choose to be with a partner who wasn't independent enough to have those things in place for themselves to start with.

I agree with that.
Also - having a relocation fund available makes it a little too convenient to just engage in a little recreational tourism, I think.

If I relocate somewhere, I expect to take care of all the aspects and arrangements pertaining to my personal life.
I expect the same from any potential partner.
Not that we couldn't work together to smooth out the transition and make that as painless and affordable as possible.

In the past I have provided a cheap place for people to live while they tried to save up enough to transition somewhere.

But to actually provide a lump of money to buy a plane ticket with and get started again in a new town, no.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Escape Clause - 12/4/2008 11:37:16 AM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Infinitesub

I wanted to ask the Dom(me)s/Masters as well as the subs/slaves of this site what were they're thoughts on the concept of a Dom/me providing an escape fund for a sub that comes halfway across country to live with them. Do agree or disagree with it? Is it something you use and/or require when dealing with a sub/slave?


I'd rather call it a release fund, and it's certainly a good idea, though I have never specifically needed one. Having a release plan of some form beats dropping your bitch off at the local shelter, I'd say. I feel the mark of a good Keeper is good stewardship of his servant, even in matters beyond his personal involvement. Planing for the precarious nature of the future is the mark of a good leader; it serves both parties well in the end.

(in reply to Infinitesub)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Escape Clause - 12/4/2008 3:27:54 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Infinitesub

I wanted to ask the Dom(me)s/Masters as well as the subs/slaves of this site what were they're thoughts on the concept of a Dom/me providing an escape fund for a sub that comes halfway across country to live with them. Do agree or disagree with it? Is it something you use and/or require when dealing with a sub/slave?


First off, there is very little chance I would move across the country or to a different country for someone (lucky for me, Master was able to move to me)

Secondly, not having a job and a savings account solely in my name is a hard limit for me. I insist on working.

I did the whole, "stay at home" thing once and got totally screwed. And guess what a marriage license is not an automatic safetly line. I was left homeless and penniless with a 2 yr old. He did eventually have to pay but it took almost a year to get it court ordered. By that time I already got back on my feet.

Now if for the sake of argument, I did choose to move to someone, I would make sure I had a plan in place incase I did need to leave. Step one would be to have a job. Step two would be to have a savings account. step 3 would be making damn sure I wasn't moving a long distance away from friends and family on a whim. I would have to know Him very well before I took that leap of faith.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to Infinitesub)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Escape Clause - 12/4/2008 10:05:15 PM   
loveandlight87


Posts: 110
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		I feel like each person gets to take responsibility for their own financial security to the best of their ability.  I would NOT be moving across the country, state, or even town without my own plan and security in place.  Having said that, while I wouldn’t count on an escape plan created and maintained by another, I would certainly see it as an indication of their serious intent and commitment to have one in place.  In addition, like one person mentioned, I would see it as the person wanting me there because I wanted to be, not because I had to be.

(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Escape Clause - 12/4/2008 10:11:54 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I would like to amend my statement that people always must be responsible for themselves. In the case of someone just out of school, with no work history, then yes I think the dominant ought to set up a small savings account that would allow the sub to return home. Said account should be solely in the subs name though.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to loveandlight87)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Escape Clause - 12/4/2008 10:14:20 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Infinitesub

I wanted to ask the Dom(me)s/Masters as well as the subs/slaves of this site what were they're thoughts on the concept of a Dom/me providing an escape fund for a sub that comes halfway across country to live with them. Do agree or disagree with it? Is it something you use and/or require when dealing with a sub/slave?

I had an escape clause.

It was called disobedience=front door=my ass kicked to the curb

It was very effective too.





_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to Infinitesub)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Escape Clause - 12/5/2008 3:46:05 AM   
rosanegra


Posts: 277
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline 		Pardon me for rambling.. but here are a couple of thoughts.

There is such a thing as an "escape clause" in a vanilla relationship.. or at least a vanilla marriage. Do the words, "equitable division of assets" and "alimony" mean anything to anybody?

Every person, kinky or not, has standards for what they will give to and take from a relationship. There are some vanilla couples in which one half will stay at home and take care of the house (and any little ones they may have) while they other works. There are also kinky couples that work like this. In other relationships, both people work and divide bills evenly..

I can tell you that being a "housewife," isn't as easy as it may sound. Being responsible for every little thing that gets cooked or cleaned is time consuming.. and especially when your other half is a soldier. I can't count how many hours I have spent doing things relating to the military that I definitely was not getting paid for... this is why when Daddy is making a financial decision that will have a major impact on our lives and/or standard of living, he asks for my opinion... I've actually made the mistake of telling him, "it's your money, I don't have much say in how you spend it," before.. to which his reply was, "It is your money too.. you know as well as I do that your job is the harder one." I'm not sure I agree with that, but I do a lot for someone that doesn't really have a job right now. When I was working on top of that, it was beyond draining.

I could start an entirely new topic to discuss this but.. what I am saying is that for some people, setting aside money so that the person they are bringing to them won't end up floating up a creek I am sure you all know the name of without a paddle is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

I never felt the need for that, since I knew when I moved here and married Daddy that it would work out, one way or another... and if that, for whatever reason, it did not.. I have friends and family that would help me put my life back together. But I didn't have much when I came here anyway, so it was really kind of an easy decision to make. I had very little to lose, and therefore every reason in the world to dive in without hesitation. I'm glad I did too.. I would do it again in a heartbeat for the happiness I've experienced in the last year.

If I'd actually had a life where I was living before I came here, things might have been different. I was a fairly independent person then (I still am to an extent, but at the same time it feels good to be able to depend on someone, and know that they will do right by me), and I would have most likely insisted on putting together my own safety net.. but that is not how everybody is.

I think it is okay for the people who want to do it... and it's not for the people who don't want to. It's really very simple.. if you're a submissive and you trust somebody to make sure you're going to be okay regardless of the outcome... and if you're a Dominant and you want to provide that safety net.. then that is just as fine as the alternative.

Some people have money to throw away. Others do not. Some people have money they can spare to make sure that someone they are uprooting will not be left high and dry.. others do not. Some of those who have the ability choose to use it.. and others do not.

It isn't really a matter of right and wrong.. it is a matter of personal choice, trust, and, dare I say it, compatibility.

After all, is a relationship between someone who wants that safety net and somebody who doesn't want to provide it going to get very far? Maybe, but probably not.


_____________________________

"If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless."

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Escape Clause - 12/5/2008 4:21:27 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		It is an excellent idea, in fact I do not believe any sub/slave should go into a relationship without one. Particularly if they are going to be a nonworking property. Relationships do not always work out and you have to look out for your future so, yes this should be something you insist on.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to Infinitesub)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Escape Clause - 12/5/2008 6:18:18 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		A lot of people don't think about learning social security and disability and how they work.  The decide to stay at home and take care of someone or give birth and do some um raising.  No big deal... they will just go to work later.  So they take say four years off for one reason or another.  Then go back to work and within a year they get sick or car accident... whatever, and they think they will be able to go out and get disability, that they are protected.  Nope.  You have to work a certain amount of time withing a five year period.  If you don't work it, you might be able to get some help.. kind of the welfare of social security, but not enough to live on.  And it may take years to prove your disability, I don't care how many doctors you have saying you cannot work.

No one thinks it will happen to them.  Spouses leave, people get sick or hurt and you cannot automatically think you will be one of the lucky one's.  It is best to always have some form of income and work at least part time.

Besides having some money to get to, through and out of a relationship situation, we have to think about those stay at home persons and they need to think of themselves.  Hey your working spouse may be great and may not leave, but they don't marry you... they get hurt or die.  What do you do?

I believe if anyone is required to stay at home for any amount of time that could make them vulnerable even short term, then the one requiring them to stay home needs to fork out some health and disability insurance and at least a small monthly amount for private and personal use if something should happen that doesn't get touched. 

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Escape Clause - 12/5/2008 9:25:05 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rosanegra

Pardon me for rambling.. but here are a couple of thoughts.

There is such a thing as an "escape clause" in a vanilla relationship.. or at least a vanilla marriage. Do the words, "equitable division of assets" and "alimony" mean anything to anybody?


LMAO yes it means it's a nice little fantasy that for some comes true.

For many like myself, it took almost 2 years and cost me $19,000 to get it.(cost included custody battle and fighting for child support as well)

The "equal" division of property, came to a total of $584, which suprise suprise went to my lawyer to help cover legal fees.

Alimony is not a guarentee for everyone. By the time i got to court, I was back working and the judge deemed that my years spent as a stay at home mom/wife was not detrimental to my earning capabilities and therefor I should not require alimony. ( I was making $35 thousand a year and he was making $125 thousand a year, but it was said that he should not have to suppliment my budget beyound providing child support)

I really didn't care, but don't automatically assume that if you divorce you are going to be getting alot of money from your ex to support you or get you back on your feet.

quote:


<snip>

I never felt the need for that, since I knew when I moved here and married Daddy that it would work out, one way or another... and if that, for whatever reason, it did not.. I have friends and family that would help me put my life back together. But I didn't have much when I came here anyway, so it was really kind of an easy decision to make. I had very little to lose, and therefore every reason in the world to dive in without hesitation. I'm glad I did too.. I would do it again in a heartbeat for the happiness I've experienced in the last year.


First let me say. YAY!! that's awesome that you are happy and well cared for *S* hope it lasts forever.

But, not everyone has freinds and family in a position to help them back on to their feet.
Yes there are shelters but have you ever tried to stay in a shelter? especially with kids?

Social assistance is not as helpful as they claim unless you know how to lie well and work the system.

quote:


After all, is a relationship between someone who wants that safety net and somebody who doesn't want to provide it going to get very far? Maybe, but probably not.


People change and people lie. 

You might go into the relationship based on alot of talk and alot of promises and end up with a swift kick in the face a couple years later and every given promise broken.

Marriage or a contract does not mean you will be ok. It does mean that eventually you will probably receive something but sometimes it costs more to have it enforced then you'll ever get out of it.

You have to make sure you have the ability or the provisions to take care of yourself in case the worst should happen.

The best weapon to have is the desire, and ability to get up, brush the dust off your ass and start finding a way to work forward again. If you have people willing and able to help. GREAT!! if you don't, then the struggle will be harder but atleast you're doing something and not waiting for someone to come save you.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to rosanegra)
Profile   Post #: 38
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