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oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 6:25:48 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
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being something of a pushover - ive agreed to go out with a vanilla tonight - im still not quite sure how it happened, except that he likes me for me, says the sweetest things and has a quiet authority, mixed with humour i cant help liking.

on the other hand i have entered into something bdsm only (no sex) with someone who lives miles away and we're supposed to be getting it together next weekend.

and on the other hand, if i had another hand, ive also been talking, exchanging emails with a guy who seems to be a perfect mix of both, owns horses, lives nearby and is really really kind and caring.

a similar thread was put up a week or so ago, about what the hell do you do in this situation, how do you choose between 3 people you really really like. my advice on that thread was for her to go with whichever it was that was on her mind most - well, forget that advice, it sucks!

if i was a D id just assume the poly approach and off id go - i guess.

maybe im in a fluxxy mood cos my mum is recovering in hospital from open heart surgery and im not feeling all that focused.

im going to tell the vanilla im kinky and explain everything to him - a bit dodgy, since i do his mums feet and im a well known local health care provider who was referred to them through the local doctors surgery, but oh well!. the bdsm guy i think probably wouldnt mind, since he's poly himself. so then ill be entering into that odd zone, where im in a vanilla relationship and get my kinky needs met elsewhere, something i never wanted to do.

why am i sharing this with you all... sorry! -

i suppose because for the first time in ages someone wants me for me, not for how much bdsm/pain play i can take - the guy is interested in me, not just for sex but for the things we have in common outside of sex and all that that implies.

but i am what i am and that isnt going to go away. i need some sound advice guys.

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RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 6:29:23 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
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From: Savannah, GA
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I don't really have any advice Lally.. but I do wish you the best with this! *hug* I hope it goes really well, you deserve it!

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RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 6:32:04 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
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thanks sweetheart. how are those babies of yours. im down to one (as you know) and he's so cute!!!!!! - poor cat gets squeezed to death every day!

xx

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RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 6:36:02 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
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From: Savannah, GA
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they're full of piss and vinegar, as usual... Amos has been on a tear lately.. I think she's channeling a NASCAR driver or something, the way she keeps zooming around the house!! Gracious is currently yelling at me, wanting to go out on the porch (it's too damned chilly... )

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Post #: 4

RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 6:44:03 AM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
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Hi Lally
I do wish your mother a speedy recovery.

Advice I really don't have, sorry, but a comment or two. First just enjoy the evening tonight. When I met Sir for the first time, he mentioned a few words about BDSM, and I asked him some questions, but that was the extent of it. We just enjoyed the day together. It was probably a couple months later, that I went to him and asked him if i could submit to him. Sir never pushed or asked me to enter into D/s. He mentioned vanilla as a possibility.

Looking back and remembering some of his comments, i do feel he was content in finding someone interested in him, verses interested only in the BDSM factor. Perhaps this vanilla guy might be open to this down the road, perhaps not, but enjoy the here and now, and the getting to know each other stage. It is awesome to find a person who is interested in the total us. Enjoy your evening.

oceanwynds

(in reply to lally3)

Post #: 5

RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 6:52:24 AM

lusciouslips19

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Just go with the flow toots. IF the vanilla develops into more only then should you say something. Reserve judgement or decision until you know which one is developing.

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RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 6:59:31 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Just date. And I wouldn't have the I'm kinky discussion with him until after you decide if you want a second date. Because if you don't see a future, then why bother to tell him.

But none of these people are ones you've been seeing heavily for a period of time. So none of them merit exclusivity. You're putting the cart before the horse.

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RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 7:22:20 AM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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As some others have mentioned, give these relationships some time to develop. You don't need to become exclusive after one date, nor do you need to parade out your kinky lifestyle on the first date, unless the conversation goes there. You never know what will happen with relationships. The vanilla guy may surprise you, or something interesting may happen with one of the other guys.

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RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 7:26:31 AM

mc1234

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I feel your pain, lally. I've never been good at 'dating' - I always feel awkward when there's more than one man in my life. That being said, I think Katy gave the best advice - go with the flow and see how things work out. Maybe after you meet each of them you will be able to narrow it down.

I hope your mom recovers well. My mom had open heart 2 years ago this November and I know how difficult the time can be.

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Post #: 9

RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 7:29:45 AM

NihilusZero

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http://www.collarchat.com/forumid_57/tt.htm

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RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 8:07:46 AM

DarkSteven

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lally, obviously you need another man to get involved with. I'm available.

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RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 8:32:14 AM

missturbation

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Oooooooooo this is a difficult one. I can't personally imagine dating a nilla and getting my kinky needs from someone else, i want it all from one person. Having said that it could be kinda fun. No help i know - sorry.
I would probably date all three and see where it goes. You can't make a decision without dating all three i don't think. I don't know, i'm being no help again.
On a more personal note at least you know this nilla guy likes you for you. I'm wondering if the guy i've been *dating* is into me, i wonder if he even likes me lol. I'm not even sure he enjoys domming me. Arghhhhhhh.

Best advice i can give you is ignore my advice its all crap.

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RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 8:34:38 AM

sailorfrank

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Joined: 6/18/2008
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lally relax and enjoy the best of both worlds okay? "Dont worry....Be Happy!!"

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Post #: 13

RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 9:19:25 AM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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Hi, Lally----
I'm no adept at the whole dating thing by any stretch but based on what you've described, I'm thinking that none of these relationships has the presumption of exclusivity, so why do anything more than explore where each may go right now?
I felt for you in what you said about being pleased by someone wanting to be with you because you don't feel like they're just with you to see how much pain you can take or whatever, for sex, or bdsm interests. If you're in situations where you feel that way, if you've self-examined and don't think that's about some negative personal scripts going on, I'd say those are relationships you can let go unless you're looking for only that level of focus rather than something more holistic.
Best wishes,
Davan

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Post #: 14

RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 9:24:39 AM

badlilthang

Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

why am i sharing this with you all... sorry! -

i suppose because for the first time in ages someone wants me for me, not for how much bdsm/pain play i can take - the guy is interested in me, not just for sex but for the things we have in common outside of sex and all that that implies.

but i am what i am and that isnt going to go away. i need some sound advice guys.

***smoooches to one i miss...s....and my advice...laughs - do not tell the vanilla guy at once....date - enjoy the you and him thing.....him liking you for you...not the kinky sides of you..just be lally...s...date the others - see how it goes - and then take the next natural step....Men does this all the time.....not being able to chose - or not exclusive....be luxurious, i say..and ENJOY!!***

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Post #: 15

RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 9:33:21 AM

NuevaVida

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I see this simply as being open to possibilities and not promising exclusivity to anyone right now. Enjoy what's going on in the present, and don't put too much pressure on yourself to make any decisions. It will all unfold in time.

Yeah I know that sounds really "new agish" but your only obligation is to yourself right now. Have fun with it! I found in the past I was too hung up on defining my relationships and having answers before they were available. When I decided to just live in the moment and enjoy what was in front of me, I sure relaxed a lot.

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Post #: 16

RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 10:12:10 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

Hi lally,

You are in the cart before the horse phase of this dating angst, so relax and go on your date. Enjoy the opportunities before you. Dates are all about exercising your options - they aren't little miniature contracts of temporary commitment. Go exercise your options. Try on a few things to see how they fit you, and enjoy yourself. Definitely don't out yourself to someone on the first date, however. That's just putting way more pressure and intimate information to heap on anyone on the first date than is fair. Remember, its HIS first date with you too.

WinD

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Post #: 17

RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 11:24:11 AM

moonvine

Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

Well as we know I suck at dating. But you don't know for sure the vanilla one is vanilla, do you? I mean, if you haven't talked about it, and you state you haven't....you don't know.

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Post #: 18

RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 12:21:50 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

being something of a pushover - ive agreed to go out with a vanilla tonight - im still not quite sure how it happened, except that he likes me for me, says the sweetest things and has a quiet authority, mixed with humour i cant help liking.

on the other hand i have entered into something bdsm only (no sex) with someone who lives miles away and we're supposed to be getting it together next weekend.

and on the other hand, if i had another hand, ive also been talking, exchanging emails with a guy who seems to be a perfect mix of both, owns horses, lives nearby and is really really kind and caring.

a similar thread was put up a week or so ago, about what the hell do you do in this situation, how do you choose between 3 people you really really like. my advice on that thread was for her to go with whichever it was that was on her mind most - well, forget that advice, it sucks!

if i was a D id just assume the poly approach and off id go - i guess.

maybe im in a fluxxy mood cos my mum is recovering in hospital from open heart surgery and im not feeling all that focused.

im going to tell the vanilla im kinky and explain everything to him - a bit dodgy, since i do his mums feet and im a well known local health care provider who was referred to them through the local doctors surgery, but oh well!. the bdsm guy i think probably wouldnt mind, since he's poly himself. so then ill be entering into that odd zone, where im in a vanilla relationship and get my kinky needs met elsewhere, something i never wanted to do.

why am i sharing this with you all... sorry! -

i suppose because for the first time in ages someone wants me for me, not for how much bdsm/pain play i can take - the guy is interested in me, not just for sex but for the things we have in common outside of sex and all that that implies.

but i am what i am and that isnt going to go away. i need some sound advice guys.

Go out and enjoy their company. Not many sensible people expect any kind of commitment at this stage of the game in any case.

I don't know how well your 'vanilla' guy knows you....but even HE doesn't want 'you for you' as yet...because he doesn't know you. He might not be interested in 'how much pain you can take'.....but he may have plenty of other agendas that you simply haven't come across.

As for 'telling the 'nilla guy'..considering your position, I'd take a little care with that. It has the potential for some serious fall-out.

agirl

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Post #: 19

RE: oh good lord!!! - 12/3/2008 1:26:05 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

but i am what i am and that isnt going to go away. i need some sound advice guys.

Have fun.

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Post #: 20

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