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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 12:27:57 PM

FullfigRIMAAM1

Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
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I don't recommend sacrificing yourself so he won't self destruct, but do find it slightly harsh to stay with someone who's in love with you all year, than leave him/her alone right before the major holidays.
Good luck, and how about strongly encouraging he begin/restart seeing a psych specialist/doctor.

quote:

celticlord2112
Take the .38 with you and you've got no worries.

M

< Message edited by FullfigRIMAAM1 -- 12/2/2008 12:31:02 PM >

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(in reply to lilmissdefiant)

Post #: 21

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 12:52:49 PM

Angelsmile

Posts: 113
Joined: 12/20/2005
Status: offline

Dear lilmissdefiant,
Personally I think your question shows that you are a very reflected and mature person because you think before acting and you assume responsibility. That is a very good thing and to be highly appreciated. You are NOT an irresponsible person and you DO care instead of just leaving him alone to his destiny which would be a very cruel thing to do to a person you once loved. It would look like dumping him. Its important here to clearly distinguish between a person who really doesn't need you and just wants to emotionally blackmail you and a person who is really dependend and extremely attached to you. If he is really attached to you there are also two possibilities either he is easily attached by nature or you made him feel so attached. In case you made him feel so attached he will get over it as time goes by from the moment on you stop to excert your influence upon him which put him into that state, but if he is extremely emotionally attached to you by his very nature then it might be to hard to get over your break up alone and here its better to assume responsibility and help him over a period of time like half a year or a year to get over it if you want or do the same to him he does to you : wrapp your arms around him, look into his eyes then explain and talk a lot and very clearly without blaming him for anything about your own feelings because it will be easier for him to let you go if he clearly understands why you are leaving and that it is not because you dont like him as a human being which would put him down but that just your aims have changed and tell him that you dont want to hurt him and that in case it will get too hard for him you will be there listening to him whilst remaining firm in pursuiting your own new path. That only if you are honest and really not cheating on him as cheating would hurt him as bad. Be honest and tell him what you feel, hold him, listen to him when he is feeling bad about it, accept these feelings of him and ask him to accept yours. I dont know if you can or still want to be friends which would be a second option. Be there until he gets over it but in a safe distance of him. Good luck to you.

< Message edited by Angelsmile -- 12/2/2008 1:04:02 PM >

(in reply to lilmissdefiant)

Post #: 22

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 1:07:14 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Angelsmile
<snipped and spaced below for easier reading>
if he is extremely emotionally attached to you by his very nature then it might be to hard to

get over your break up alone and here its better to assume responsibility and help him

over a period of time like half a year or a year to get over it if you want or do the same to

he he does to you : wrapp your arms around him, look into his eyes and explain and talk a

lot and very clearly without blaming him for anything about your own feelings because it

will be easier for him to let you go if he clearly understands why you are leaving and that

it is not because you dont like him as a human being but that just your aims have changed

and tell him that you dont want to hurt him and that in case it will get too hard for him you

will be there listening to him whilst remaining firm in pursuiting your own new path. That

only if you are honest and really not cheating on him as cheating would hurt him as bad.

Be honest and tell him what you feel, hold him, listen to him when he is feeling bad about

it, accept these feelings of him and ask him to accept yours. I dont know if you can or still

want to be friends which would be a second option. Be there until he gets over it but in a

safe distance of him. Good luck to you.

Sorry Angelsmile but I consider the above to be bad advice.

By drawing it out she will do a disservice to both and will actually be living a lie, it is a lie to live with someone for another year and a half to make that someone feel better. I will say it in another way, it is dishonest as well to be plotting to leave while holding his hand and giving him emotional support.

To the OP, breaking up is rarely pretty or easy. At some time you will simply have to do it to continue your own life. The longer you let him manipulate you the harder it will be to leave. If there is no physical danger then I would sit down and tell him why you are leaving, perhaps he will learn and grow from the experience later. If you are frightened of it turning physical or worried about more emotional blackmail then I strongly suggest you pack and leave while he is out.

You cannot hold yourself responsible for what HE does with his immature emotions, don't carry a false burden please.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Angelsmile)

Post #: 23

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 1:24:34 PM

MistresseLotus

Posts: 443
Joined: 9/19/2008
From: (aka LotusSong)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmissdefiant

Ok well to put it simply
I am in a relationship with a bf, I'm not in love with him anymore I don't want to be with him any more...but having said that I don't want to hurt him.
Me and him have been together for nearly 2 years (our second anniversary is on the 15th of Jan next year).

I live with him, a state down from the rest of my family.
I want to leave but I don't want his life to turn to shit if I leave (he said his life would falls apart if I left, loss of job and probably a really bad depression dip)
how do I get out of it with out destroying him?

Know you know why people a couple of generations ago didn't shack up. Best advice I can give is to treat him the same way you would wish to be treated as if he were in the situation you described. He might have sensed a change already and it may be a relief for him also.

_____________________________

I leave it to the 20-somethings to do the "open-minded, total unconditional acceptance thing" for it's how THEY learn that all the things others older than they have deemed BS, are in fact BS. What a waste of a decade.

(in reply to lilmissdefiant)

Post #: 24

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 1:34:14 PM

cjan

Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
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The problem is all inside your head, etc.

50 Ways To Leave Your Lover
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91euERWH2M4

DTMFA

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(in reply to lilmissdefiant)

Post #: 25

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 1:52:36 PM

hizgeorgiapeach

Posts: 1672
Status: offline

Angel, that's got to be some of the WORST advice I've ever seen for a pending breakup. Facilitate someone continuing to be codependant and intentionally manipulative??? That's emotionally unhealthy for BOTH of them. This isn't said to be mean, or start a fight - it's said because it's the simple truth - I've never personally seen worse advice for such a situation.

No One - Ever - is responcible for someone else's capacity to cope with something unpleasant. No One - ever - is responcible for ANYONE'S happiness except Their Own. Our first responcibility is to ourselves - not to some other person, with the possible exception of our spawn until they're of a physical/developmental age to be responcible for themselves. But even in the case of our own spawn, we CHOOSE to take that responcibility, and we can just as easily choose NOT to do so.

She is not - and never will be - responcible for his happiness, his ability to cope, or anything of that nature after a break up. He's an adult, he's responcible for himself, and he will survive or not on his own merits. Just like He is not responcible for her Unhappiness - she's responcible for that, and as soon as she accepts that responcibility towards herself to make herself happy, they will Both be much better off.

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(in reply to Angelsmile)

Post #: 26

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 2:08:55 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMAAM1

but do find it slightly harsh to stay with someone who's in love with you all year, than leave him/her alone right before the major holidays.

I have found that there's always something. It's Christmas, then it's a birthday, then it's Valentines, then then then then. There's never as good a time as right now.

Cali

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(in reply to FullfigRIMAAM1)

Post #: 27

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 2:13:33 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmissdefiant

how do I get out of it with out destroying him?

You have three options:

1) Kill him. A dead man can't feel destroyed.

2) Kill yourself. You're not around to destroy him.

3) Kill everyone else in the whole world. In order to feel destroyed, he would need to be able to compare his position with that of others.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to lilmissdefiant)

Post #: 28

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 2:20:55 PM

tweedydaddy

Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

The relationship is over, who cares what he does?
He's not your problem.
If he's going to wreck his life, then all the better that he does so after you've been sensible enough to drop him.
Don't look back, he may be holding a bottle of sugar pills and pouting.
We've all been there, we will all be there again one day.
Live it with and move on, he'll grow up.

(in reply to lilmissdefiant)

Post #: 29

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 2:21:35 PM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick
There's never as good a time as right now.

And that is the truth.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 30

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 4:29:27 PM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmissdefiant

Thanks for the advice everyone.
I just don't want to get a phone call one day saying "Your boyfriend killed himself because you left...you are now being charged with assisted suicide...blah blah blah.

If you have a rather largish friend you trust then have them there for moral support. Pack your bags and things, put them in the U-haul and don't look back. I had to do that when leaving my ex husband as he could be extremely volatile and explosive when not getting his way and while Master was all for being there for me, I didn't want to pur salt on the wounds. My friend carried stuff out to the car that I was taking, stayed in ear shot while I was packing and let ex vent while calmly standing there with a your not doing anything look on his face.

He tried the emotional black mail and the promises..and I had to keep my resolve and walk out the door. You need to do this as well. Don't worry about the timing, there is Never a good time to break up, but you need to do what is good for you in this case.

I would also advise changing your cell phone number. Remember you are not responsible for him. He is not your child. The decisions he makes post breakup are the decisions HE makes. If you truly think that he may harm himself, inform a friend of his so he can alert the authorities if he thinks he is really going to do himself harm.

Good luck and stay strong

Poenkitten

(in reply to lilmissdefiant)

Post #: 31

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 4:55:41 PM

winterlight

Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline

Is he abusive? Is he the type that would come after you?

I would leave. Make sure he doesn't know where you go.

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 32

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 5:22:15 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Trust me, if he decided he wanted to leave, for whatever the reason, he wouldn't look back. Neither should you. He will be fine. They always are.

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Post #: 33

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/3/2008 6:34:36 AM

UncleNasty

Posts: 1108
Joined: 3/20/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackPhx

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmissdefiant

Thanks for the advice everyone.
I just don't want to get a phone call one day saying "Your boyfriend killed himself because you left...you are now being charged with assisted suicide...blah blah blah.

If you have a rather largish friend you trust then have them there for moral support. Pack your bags and things, put them in the U-haul and don't look back. I had to do that when leaving my ex husband as he could be extremely volatile and explosive when not getting his way and while Master was all for being there for me, I didn't want to pur salt on the wounds. My friend carried stuff out to the car that I was taking, stayed in ear shot while I was packing and let ex vent while calmly standing there with a your not doing anything look on his face.

He tried the emotional black mail and the promises..and I had to keep my resolve and walk out the door. You need to do this as well. Don't worry about the timing, there is Never a good time to break up, but you need to do what is good for you in this case.

I would also advise changing your cell phone number. Remember you are not responsible for him. He is not your child. The decisions he makes post breakup are the decisions HE makes. If you truly think that he may harm himself, inform a friend of his so he can alert the authorities if he thinks he is really going to do himself harm.

Good luck and stay strong

Poenkitten

The highlighted section above implies that you had connected with and established a relationship with your Master (current or otherwise) in advance of having left your husband and extinguished that relationship and marriage. Is that correct?

OHUN

(in reply to BlackPhx)

Post #: 34

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/3/2008 6:41:17 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

UN, how is poen's past relationship with her ex germane to the OP?

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Post #: 35

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/3/2008 11:37:32 AM

UncleNasty

Posts: 1108
Joined: 3/20/2004
Status: offline

Clarification of her experiences, behaviors and choices. In other "walks" of life it is commonly refered to as due diligence.

OHUN

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 36

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/3/2008 12:05:06 PM

jlf1961

Posts: 14840
Joined: 6/10/2008
From: Somewhere Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmissdefiant

Thanks for the advice everyone.
I just don't want to get a phone call one day saying "Your boyfriend killed himself because you left...you are now being charged with assisted suicide...blah blah blah.

Assisted suicide is, by definition providing the means, or physically administering the substance that kills the individual at their request.

You cant even be sued for his harming himself if you left, a judge would laugh the case out of court.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmissdefiant
yeah I can see its emotion blackmail.
My real problem is that whenever I try to leave (which I have TRIED to do on my many occasions) or when ever I try to explain to him what I feel..he refuses to listen and literally wraps his arms around me and refuses to let go until I say "ok I'll stay" and I really really really! don't want to get the police involved...I'm stuck.

Depending on the state, some assault laws actually read as, "any unwanted, or otherwise intentional restraint, contact, or attack is considered assault."

This could be him hugging you as you describe, someone spitting on you, etc.

In this situation, as described, the individual is demonstrating a clearly imbalanced personality that could actually lead to bodily injury for yourself, him or both.

At which point you promptly call not the police, but the local Mental Health agency crisis line, explain the situation, and they will act. If you make it clear he will not let you leave unless you promise not to leave the relationship, then you have made a point for committal...

You can trust this statement since I have a very good understanding of the procedures of Mental Health agencies....

no comments from the peanut gallery Holly

Personally, aside from the codependancy issue raised, I would also suggest there is a major depression issue, which needs to be addressed.

I hate it when my personal life gives me the experience to give good advice

You can cmail me if you wish to know a bit more about some of the issues that are involved.

However, the statements about life falling apart, not making it without you, while being emotional blackmail are also signals of a deeper problem.

_____________________________

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You cannot control who comes into your life, but you can control which airlock you throw them out of.

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(in reply to lilmissdefiant)

Post #: 37

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/3/2008 2:22:02 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UncleNasty

Clarification of her experiences, behaviors and choices. In other "walks" of life it is commonly refered to as due diligence.

OHUN

Hardly. She shared her similar experience. How long she was married or dating the ex is not relevant. Neither is exactly how it ended or the time line.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 38

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/3/2008 3:07:13 PM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

The highlighted section above implies that you had connected with and established a relationship with your Master (current or otherwise) in advance of having left your husband and extinguished that relationship and marriage. Is that correct?

OHUN

Yes..we had. But I should explain a bit. My ex was a switch who after the murder of my son in 1992 got stuck almost completely in sub mode sexually. even before that however he could not handle the levels of pain play that I needed on a regular basis (masochist but not submissive) and we had an open marriage from the get go. With my sons murder and my subsequent attempt at suicide, the marriage soon became little more than roommates who shared a common grief. I got help to deal with the anger, the pain and dealing with the death, he refused and entered a deep and destructive depression. I stuck it out and tried to keep the marriage going for 13 years. He had his subs from time to time and his Dominants, and I had my maintenance Sadists. Nothing was ever hidden and in fact play often occurred in the home and he was acquaintances/friends with several of them. About 2 years after my sons murder he began turning the anger outward, pushing people away from him. By year 6 he was drinking heavily and becoming verbally and emotionally abusive. By year 10 he didn't have a friend left and even his brother and mother hated talking with him. I went through several surgeries during years 11 and 12 and my friends literally had to force him to stay home and take care of me immediately afterward. He began taking long walks on nights he was off for hours and returning home drunk and belligerent. He moved into his own bedroom in year 11 and what little pretense he had for sexual desire (about 2x a year) for me left vanished. I had never indulged in anything sexual with anyone else other than pain play though the ex had. Pain was enough to satisfy me, still is for the most part.

The marriage was long over save the burial when Master entered the picture. The rest I will send you in Cmail privately instead of boring people here.

poenkitten

(in reply to UncleNasty)

Post #: 39

RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/3/2008 3:17:11 PM

manxcat

Posts: 673
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmissdefiant

My real problem is that whenever I try to leave (which I have TRIED to do on my many occasions) or when ever I try to explain to him what I feel..he refuses to listen and literally wraps his arms around me and refuses to let go until I say "ok I'll stay" and I really really really! don't want to get the police involved...I'm stuck.

I had one do that to me too. Leave when he is not around. That is what i did. I also had one threaten to kill me if i left. I left the state, from my job, with no money, leaving everything behind. Except my life. I made a new one elswhere. You are only stuck as long as you allow yourself to be. 99% of the time they do not kill themselves, nor can you be charged with assisted suicide. How can you be charged with an act you are not a party to? He has you bamboozled there too. And if he is of the one percent, it is still not your monkey. It is his.

manxcat

________________
I would rather be vilified for doing the right thing than be praised for doing the wrong thing.

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Post #: 40

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