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I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 10:18:16 AM   
lilmissdefiant


Posts: 666
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline 		Ok well to put it simply
I am in a relationship with a bf, I'm not in love with him anymore I don't want to be with him any more...but having said that I don't want to hurt him.
Me and him have been together for nearly 2 years (our second anniversary is on the 15th of Jan next year).

I live with him, a state down from the rest of my family.
I want to leave but I don't want his life to turn to shit if I leave (he said his life would falls apart if I left, loss of job and probably a really bad depression dip)
how do I get out of it with out destroying him?



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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 10:20:45 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmissdefiant
he said his life would falls apart if I left

how do I get out of it with out destroying him?


You won't destroy him, he will destroy himself.  I don't bow down to emotional blackmail, which is what he is doing to you ("I'll fall apart if you leave").

It's not going to be pretty, it's not going to be smooth and simple.  Rip the bandaid fast, or rip it off slowly, hair by hair.  Your choice.


Cali


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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 10:22:45 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmissdefiant


I want to leave but I don't want his life to turn to shit if I leave (he said his life would falls apart if I left, loss of job and probably a really bad depression dip)



do you see this as emotional blackmail?

His reaction to your leaving is not your issue...it is his.


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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 10:23:14 AM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		I'm probably the wrong sort of person to be answering this... but...
 
Things of the "my life will fall apart if you leave me" sort scream "codependant" and "manipulative" to me.  Gut instinct says it's a guilt ploy to effectively force you to stay - because he already Knows you don't want to be there.  If he didn't already know that, he wouldn't be telling you things of the "wah" variety to induce "you hurt me" guilt.  Up to you alone to decide whether it bothers you more to be with him, or to be blatantly manipulated into being there when you don't want to be.

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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 10:25:19 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Has there ever been a relationship in history that broke up where someone was not hurt?

It happens...no need to prolong the agony.  Just get it over with..then you can both start healing.


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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 10:26:11 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

how do I get out of it with out destroying him?

You don't. And that's exactly what he's counting on.

Pack up, leave, go wherever you need to go, and don't look back.

If you want to be generous, leave a few rounds of cheese to go with his whine.

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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 10:27:45 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

how do I get out of it with out destroying him?

You are not responsible for how he reacts to life events.  You are responsible for removing yourself from co-dependency (you may want to read about it).


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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 10:32:04 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		As someone who stayed in an abusive marriage where this was constantly dripping from his mouth, I would tell you that it is his choice how he handles it and has nothing to do with you.  You are going to have to do what is right for you.  He then will have to do whatever he decides to do and regardless of his choice it is not your fault how things turn out for him.  If you want to talk more about it, I will discuss it on the other side, but not on the boards.

Best wishes!

lovingpet

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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 10:33:28 AM   
DomKen


Posts: 19457
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From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		DTMFA

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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 10:34:32 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Seeing as how you made him dependent on you. You should do everything you can to make him happy.

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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 10:52:33 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		He chose whatever level of dependency he has, with or without her consent and staying in a miserable state is not making things better for either one of them.  He's an adult and can learn to wash his own underwear!  Okay, that was harsh, but still.  There is nothing she is currently doing for him that he can't learn to handle for himself.  It is his choice if he will bother to do so.

lovingpet

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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 11:00:10 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Tell him its time to man up and quit the emotional blackmail. If you want out then leave, he will either sink or swim the choice of which is solely up to him. You have your own life to live and so does he, your not responsible for his childish actions.

~Lashra


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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 11:02:47 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Suck it up, snowflake.  That goes for both of you.  I don't handle rejection well, and breakups... well, it's not pretty.  I'm still here, though!  He will be, too. 

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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 11:19:53 AM   
lilmissdefiant


Posts: 666
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks for the advice everyone.
I just don't want to get a phone call one day saying "Your boyfriend killed himself because you left...you are now being charged with assisted suicide...blah blah blah.

yeah I can see its emotion blackmail.
My real problem is that whenever I try to leave (which I have TRIED to do on my many occasions) or when ever I try to explain to him what I feel..he refuses to listen and literally wraps his arms around me and refuses to let go until I say "ok I'll stay" and I really really really! don't want to get the police involved...I'm stuck.


_____________________________

Change what you can and accept what you can't.
He came to me one night. Explored my body, licked, sucked, swallowed! When satisfied, he left & I was hurt!!... Fu*king mosquito!

Resident Thread Killer

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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 11:35:21 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		You have cmail lilmissdefiant....

lovingpet

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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 11:53:02 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Get out and away. Leave a dear john letter. Do not say goodbye. Do not look back.

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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 12:03:49 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmissdefiant
I just don't want to get a phone call one day saying "Your boyfriend killed himself because you left...you are now being charged with assisted suicide...blah blah blah.



You can't be serious.  You just can't.  Some whacko family member may say "he killed himself because you left", but no officer of the law would.

Perhaps you need to understand what "assisted suicide" means.  It would be something like loading the gun and helping him hold it to his forehead.  It would be giving him enough drugs to cause a fatal overdose, that sort of thing.  "Assisted suicide" is not caused by leaving someone.

Seriously.  Just leave.  The drama has gone on long enough.


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 12:09:52 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Co-dependent people often live in drama.



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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 12:11:51 PM   
philosophy


Posts: 5284
Joined: 2/15/2004
Status: offline 		FR

RUN! RUN! Run like it's going out of fashion..........

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RE: I need Help!!!!!! - 12/2/2008 12:27:29 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

I just don't want to get a phone call one day saying "Your boyfriend killed himself because you left...you are now being charged with assisted suicide...blah blah blah.

Oh, good grief!

You do not get charged with assisted suicide because you dumped him and he decided to off himself. You get charged with assisted suicide when you hand him the loaded .38 before you walk out the door.

Take the .38 with you and you've got no worries.

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