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hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 6:04:50 AM

LadyEllen

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The male breadwinner’s dilemna;
WARNING - possible cause of vicious sexist flaming ahead

Picture the scene; the male breadwinner has the main job in the household, yes traditional but women’s wages haven’t caught up and this is how it is for most. The wife works too, but fair pay being an ideal rather than an actuality her wages go only about a third of the way to meeting the monthly budget.

The economy nose dives like its doing now. Hubby is going to lose his job.

Should he tell his wife or hold it back, hoping to find something else?

Wisdom says he should tell her – this is a partnership and she has a right to know – she will be hurt if he demonstrates he doesn’t trust her to disclose such an important piece of news and he’ll be in trouble.

Experience however has taught him that if he tells her, she will worry and come to blame him for losing his job and the dire straits they will face, even though its none of his fault; someone must be responsible and he’s the one who’s “meant” to support her. Her father after all had kept his job from school through to retirement, so it must be his failure that he is losing his job.

So, he’s caught either way.

So, should he tell her or hold it back, hoping to find something else before the day comes when he has to tell her?

E

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 6:10:56 AM

celticlord2112

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quote:

So, should he tell her or hold it back, hoping to find something else before the day comes when he has to tell her?

If a man fears to tell his woman bad news, then he is not a man and she is not his woman.

Damn straight he should tell her--and shame on her if she responds with anything besides care, compassion, and concern.

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 6:13:59 AM

sirsholly

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my first thought is marriage is a partnership and of course he should tell her. There is no reason for him to carry this alone. Give her time to perhaps increase her hours at her job, or look for a better one.

However...things get interesting when you write that he knows from experience that she will blame him for losing his job, even though it is not his fault. If she is holding him responsible for this then she needs a serious wake up call to what marriage is all about.

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 6:15:16 AM

lusciouslips19

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i would be pretty pissed off if my husband failed to tell me something this important. Especially since i would need to change my spending habits.

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 6:22:29 AM

GreedyTop

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I agree with the above posts

(hello, yummy Lady E!!)

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 6:31:44 AM

LumusandtheLady

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I agree with Greedy's agreeing. I think it's ridiculous to blame the husband for something out of his control. Based on the scenario, I'd say the wife has issues and needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership so he should be able to talk with her and they work things through together.

(Or am I getting that part wrong...?)

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 6:36:46 AM

camille65

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Marriage is supposed to be about all that yes, but a lot of times it isn't.

If I knew in advance it would cause blame from the other spouse, I probably would stay quiet until I knew exactly what was going on. I'd wait until the job was lost, and until I'd tried to find another one.

But then I really go out of my way to avoid conflict, especially when I was married. I would hold out the hope that I could replace my job, then spill it all.

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 6:39:35 AM

celticlord2112

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quote:

Based on the scenario, I'd say the wife has issues and needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

Well, I'd say she needs to wake up and make the coffee, but that's just me....

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 6:42:44 AM

BlackPhx

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The Blackphx and I discuss everything freely, including money, job dissatisfaction, potential job changes or loss, everything. He is harder on himself than I could ever be even though he is the primary breadwinner by his choice. When times have been tight for us and they have been, I cannot plan properly without information and while I can say I am not always happy with situations I can say I am supportive of him doing what he feels he needs to do. If his job vanished overnight out from under him I would immediately cut services that are great to have but not a necessity and make do.

As his wife and slave it is not my job to make him feel worse about something he has no influence over. In fact it is my job to remind him that it WAS something he had no influence over as he tends to blame himself for set backs and how he feels when he is not providing the way his Mother ground into him he should be. I also encourage him to reach for things, to try those things he can do and does here at home, but never thinks of as a job potential. He was a corrections officer trainee and separated from the stress of that job after a year of not recieving the training he needed to be safe in the position. Higher stress came with the separation because he didn't have another job lined up immediately and the market here was slow. We went through the employment services together, discussing each potential job and the qualifications he had to do it, whether from former employment, hobbies, or just native talent. Because of this he is now in the job he has now and while the travel is rough on both of us, his job satisfaction is a lot higher than it had been prior...during that gap however, I remained encouraging, listened when he needed to talk or vent and gave GREAT budget, cutting costs without cutting quality, scrimping here and there to stretch the money and cut bills.

Marriage is a partnership and one partner does not bear all of the burden. The wife in your scenario needs to grow up and face reality. Life happens, business' go under, downsize people to protect their bottom line and there is little you can do about it, save roll with the punches and move on. Big Companies no longer have the loyalty to their workers that they had years ago and that is not the workers fault. Give them 20 years and they will still downsize you for that kid just out of college who will take less money.

IF, she can't understand that, then maybe he needs to cut a drain on his emotional budget as well. As long as he is not slacking in trying to obtain another position she needs to hunker down and help.

poenkitten

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 6:48:22 AM

DesFIP

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Sounds like economics are the least of their problems. If they have an adversarial blame based relationship, then why bother to continue it? Tell her and allow her to move out on her own if the two of them can't commit to doing what's best for the relationship.

But I'm not going to put all the blame on her like others have done. Not without knowing a lot more about how he relates to her, is supportive of her etc. I don't know too many bad marriages where there aren't problems on both sides.

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 6:48:30 AM

Termyn8or

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I think practicality demands that he tell her, and right away, as soon as he gets notice. This way they both can undertake whatever preparations are possible in their situation, like not spending that disposable income, it is no longer disposable. They should be discussing how much he is likely to get on unemployment, things they can do without such as premium cable and so forth. Even invest some of their nest egg (if any) in things that save them money in the long run.

These are simple realities and if either one of them have emotional problems because of it, they need a bit of work.

T

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RE: hubby's dilemma - 12/2/2008 7:18:04 AM

Mercnbeth

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E,
Is this a trick question? Even outside any 'lifestyle' context; how much of a 'relationship' is there if either partner can't disclose potentially bad information to the other? It implies that the relationship is contingent upon the financial status quo. In any economy that isn't a strong foundation. This is what comes from having a distinguished business "partnership" segregated from a relationship. Trust isn't defined by limiting disclosure to only good things.

To answer the problem replace every instance of a single form pronoun to plural. He isn't losing a major source of income - they are. He's not "caught either way"; they are.

Pragmatically, he should already be out looking for a new job. The partner should not only emotionally and mentally support him, but should be actively involved in networking and doing research to find a suitable replacement position.

As partners they need to have some pragmatic discussions. If the local job market is bad they need to expand their search to other locations. Its been my experience, both personal and with friends and family, that this is where most troubles start. All of a sudden the problem isn't finding a job, its finding one where peripheral family and friends are included in the decision process. Many times what is feared is finding out exactly where on the pecking order you are as a spouse. Are you more important than mom & dad, or your spouse's best friend? You find out when you come home happy that you've found a perfect replacement job 1000 miles away; and instead of celebrating you hear something along the lines of; "But I can't leave ________ (fill in the blank)!"Sometimes a job loss is blamed for a break up when it was really only the catalyst for finding out you really only had a financial relationship.

Like most relationship issues, if you see a outside problem as a single, the question isn't how to react to is as a single but why you have to do so. Fear points to a bigger problem than any changing economic condition. Facing any problem together should generate a much better result than going solo. Most fear, associated with this circumstance, is finding out that the relationship is primarily financially based.

Any way you look at it, its an opportunity. Its the opportunity to find out what should be obvious; what is the basis for your relationship. You say his "experience" taught him that she'll react negatively and bring up comparisons to her father, working in another era. Well, not facing that experience led to this one. Procrastination never results in solving a problem only postponing any possible solution.

It can be a great opportunity to move into a new career, a new location, a new adventure. It may be a case where together you can set your own course in your own business venture. Working for yourself you find out exactly what you are worth. Material goods can always be replaced. It shouldn't be so easy to do so with your partner.

I think this should be gender neutral. In the instance you describe, there shouldn't be any surprise when the ax falls at work. It should be an daily ongoing discussion, having daily ongoing possibilities outlined and ready for implementation; joint implementation

(in reply to LadyEllen)

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 7:18:58 AM

LadyEllen

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Some interesting answers so far - and the vicious sexist flamefest this has potential for avoided too!

Yes, this does relate to someone I know (because I'm sure thats whats suspected!). She's not a bad person but is rather dependent and old fashioned when it comes to who should be the breadwinner.

But the biggest problem I see is that she sees him (or would like to) as being in some way perfect. His job loss breaks that illusion and thereafter he is a useless idiot, which working backwards means he must have been at fault for losing the job. Immature for definite - but I wonder how frequently this immaturity occurs in relationships - and here, with the "he's perfect" relationship dynamic possibly more prevalent than in life as a whole, it struck me as interesting to put out there.

E

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 8:10:06 AM

hizgeorgiapeach

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Don't take this wrong, E, but if there's an Idiot in the relationship - it's her, not him. He's doing what he can. He Can't control the economy, he Can't control who the company decides to lay off - especially not if the company is doing poorly enough that they All end up without jobs. She CAN get a grip, pull off the rose colored glasses, and show some basic intelligence rather than juvenile blame laying. If that's her MO - she's not much of a wife, regardless of what sort of husband he happens to be.

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 9:08:55 AM

sub4hire

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I have to agree with what others have said. I don't see the man as being caught at all. Hard times fall on couples. Either you handle them right or you are no longer a couple.
A couple is two people, not one doing all of the work. The wife can look for a better paying job. The man can also find a job.

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 9:13:10 AM

UncleNasty

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I am largely in agreement with previous responses.

This is an interesting comparison to a post made previously regarding trophy wives in the economic downturn.

Man as bread winner/provider/protector - white knight if you will - falls into a most common "primary fantasy." These are powerful, difficult to overcome and have influence on both genders. The example the OP presented has, in my opinion, a number of dysfunctional dynamics involved, but it also seems to be influenced by some primary fantasies.

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 9:18:38 AM

Lynnxz

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He should tell her he got downsized, there was nothing to do about it, and to stop complaining so he can Craigslist his next job, thanks.

But seriously, if he got downsized, and not fired for sub-par performance, then there really shouldn't be too much of a blame game going on , and if there is, I feel sorry for him.

< Message edited by Lynnxz -- 12/2/2008 9:19:28 AM >

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 10:46:04 AM

Dnomyar

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As one who has been thru several jobs let me add my 2 cents. The first time I went into a mini shock. The company just up and closed it's doors. I have been thru several of those so far and just about went thru it with this company. The thing is that each job was different so I was able to dersify. Between jobs I was making a good living painting houses and doing odd jobs. My point is do not limit yourself to one type of work. If I lose my job now I can always fall back on what I learned from other jobs. Don't use age as a clutch. Im older than most on here and would have no problem finding another job.

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 10:55:37 AM

Lashra

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He isn't much of a relationship partner if he cannot tell her the truth. Of course he should tell her and right away, perhaps she can aid him in his job search. I never understood why people feel the need to hide important things like this from their partners, isn't that one reason we have partners? to live life together so we are not alone walking down the path of life?

I know some men's pride would not allow them to tell their partner and sometimes pride can really make a person act and look like a fool.

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RE: hubby's dilemna - 12/2/2008 11:05:47 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Pretty much what everyone else said. I would love to be a wealthy housewife, but Real Life says that you do what you have to. I would be in another world of fury if my partner held back that kind of intel from me, and what kind of partner would *I* be if I castigated him for it?

(Now, if he is a slacker, late for work, screws up projects, etc, then I do take some blame for not getting him to suit up and take care of business!)

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