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Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/1/2008 6:09:08 PM

KnightofMists

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Alittle while ago John Warren began an Interview process in his efforts to present a course on BDSM relationships. He shared with the forums his questions that he would be asking for those that participated in his project. One of those questions have had me thinking... "What sort of things do you do to keep the BDSM component of your relationship fresh and exciting?"

Initially I found the question to be typical and even expected. However, with consideration I realized that my preference or acceptance to the question is largely due to my belief and preference to keep my relationships growing and changing, hopefully for the better. However, can a person not have a relationship that is more status quo and still be fresh and exciting for those individuals. Do we have to have change and growth to have fresh and exciting?

In general, our intimate relationships are alot more than just about BDSM and Power dynamics. Our desire to have change and growth can be applied in a vast array of things. Just like I believe that we might want to have a stable status quo world in other areas of our intimate relationships.

A few questions to get the conversation going:

How do you feel about incorporating change and growth in your relationship as compared to maintaining a status quo enviroment?
Are there areas that you seek to facilate change and growth and other areas that you seek to maintain a status quo? what are they.
Why do you choose these approaches? Why is one way better for you than others?
In particular with BDSM and Power Dynamics, what things you seek to maintain as a status quo and what things do you seek to change and grow with? Do you try to keep a balance or is this something that is of little concern for you?
Please contribute any other comments that you think is of value to the discussion.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

Post #: 1

RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/1/2008 6:17:59 PM

NihilusZero

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While I understand the idea of tossing new fun ideas into the mix...at a certain point, don't we all get into the 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' thought process?

Isn't that, eventually, what we all want to be able to settle into?

Or am I just a bit of a homebody?

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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Post #: 2

RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/1/2008 6:33:11 PM

leadership527

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KoM: I tend to approach life in a "surf the wave" sort of headspace. So as life tosses new possibilities at me, I try to leverage the best of them while ignoring the less helpful in favor of status quo. Obviously, as things actively engage our interest (D/s for instance right now), then those things get explored more fully. I try to keep delightful things in my marriage while getting rid of less nice things. I attach no value to the status quo at all in the sense that a man may not stand in the same river twice. I dont' really believe in "the status quo".

NihilusZero: There's something to be said for "if it ain't broke", but the flip side of that is that my wife and I raised the bar on ourselves for what we expect to put in and get out of our marriage. It wasn't exactly "broke" before, but we're kind of on a more is better approach right now.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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Post #: 3

RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/1/2008 6:35:18 PM

Rover

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This may not make a lot of sense to anyone but me, but that's never stopped me before.

I prefer to play within the status quo. I can keep things fresh, exciting, and spontaneous within the status quo. The status quo to me connotes stability, reliability, consistency... and I wouldn't want anything less.

Even though we may grow and evolve as individuals, I believe that the status quo is large enough and inclusive enough to accomodate for that.

John

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Sri da Avabhas

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Post #: 4

RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/1/2008 6:38:46 PM

DesFIP

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We're in our mid 50s. As such the idea of 'growth' for its own sake doesn't work. We have already grown and dealt with all sorts of challenges, we still do on a daily basis. Growth for us occurs naturally as part of dealing with problems in life.

We prefer a status quo in the relationship. This makes it a safe place to relax and recharge. He doesn't feel obligated to create rules he doesn't want just to have a reason to train me in something new which he isn't interested in either.

If one of us reads about an activity we haven't tried, we just mention it to the other. Sometimes we try it and sometimes we don't. But we don't care much if it becomes part of our preferred list or not. We are sufficiently compatible in so many ways that we can just relax and do what is enjoyable. For us BDSM activities are a respite from daily life and as such are only engaged in if enjoyable by both.

But as I said, I think we see this differently simply because of our age.

_____________________________

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Post #: 5

RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/1/2008 6:56:32 PM

yourMissTress

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Excellent post KoM, gave me much to think about, and I'm still thinking...
I think that incoporating, or allowing for change and growth in a relationship is important. As human beings we are in a constant state of change, and growth implies that those changes are somehow improving us.

In a D/s or M/s dynamic, I believe there are certain things that must remain status quo in order to maintain and reinforce the dynamic. The power or authority transfer and the things that are put in place in the relationship to strengthen this transfer, are the things that have to be consistent. Rituals, schedules, activities, or just the day to day workings of the household, if they are productive in defining the dynamic for the parties involved, should be maintained.

Areas of growth that I am always interested in fostering include education, exploration of recreational activities, career, self reflection, and health. Personal growth increases our self worth, and in doing so increases our worth in the world we live in. I have done and will continue to do whatever I can to support my partners in their personal endeavors.

Balance is very important in life. A person, or a relationship can easily be thrown off kilter if there is no balance between work, school, family, partnerships, friendships. It's important to take inventory from time to time and make whatever changes necessary to ensure that balance is preserved.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

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Post #: 6

RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/1/2008 7:09:55 PM

LaTigresse

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For me, growth and change are vital. I am an insatiable learner. I like being challenged to think outside my own little comfortable box. I like being exposed to all sorts of new things, of all sorts. If this wasn't such a huge part of who I am, I wouldn't be here.

That being said, there is a certain status quo which is the innate core of who I am. My own personal morals and ethics that are a constant guiding force. If anything, they become stronger. They steady me in my explorations, keep me centred. Everything can be whirling and swirling, changing all around me, yet deep at the core, there is a calm constant that never lets me down. I don't know where it came from or why, I only know that it's always been there. It's the quality that made me the central fixture of a huge family. The one constant that everything and everyone, rotates around.

For me, it's been finding a balance of both that has been vital. I think my relationships reflect that.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 12/1/2008 7:11:24 PM >

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Post #: 7

RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/1/2008 7:55:33 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

Isn't that, eventually, what we all want to be able to settle into?

Not for me.. it has never been a goal or preference to settle into a routine. Sometimes I will flow with the river at it's speed... sometimes I will paddle to move along faster. Sometimes I like the river to be fast.. sometimes a meandering pace is preferred. One of the things that I have been adapting and changing to is Kyra. Structure and routine in some areas are rather important for her well-being and I am actually finding it an opportunity for growth to introduce routine into my life in more areas than have ever existed before. However, I think much more of the adapting is on the part of Kyra learning to be more adaptable to the winds of change that I can bring in a moments notice.

This has been my past and today.. what will tomorrow bring? I can't really say at present. I am still rather young at 43-44 and see much before me to achieve and experience. So... I am not sure if or when I will ever reach a point in my life that having routine and status quo is a preferred goal of life to settle into.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Post #: 8

RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/1/2008 7:55:55 PM

youQadesh

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I know my answer isn't as thorough as others...

My partner and I have a status quo of love and commitment. Many other aspects of our relationship will change but those two things will always be the same. If a relationships status quo is as basic as love and commitment my question to you is, what isn't exciting about that?

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Post #: 9

RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/1/2008 8:01:16 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

I prefer to play within the status quo. I can keep things fresh, exciting, and spontaneous within the status quo. The status quo to me connotes stability, reliability, consistency... and I wouldn't want anything less.

I always value your input and prespective of things and I am very interested in your perspective of this issue. I am curious to appreciate how you feel that you keep things fresh, exciting and spontaneous within status quo if you would care to share. I wonder that even though there is maybe a status quo... it's how you feel about the things you do that keeps it fresh and exciting. A poor analogy.. but.. I will always take enjoyment in having chocolate. Even though it is my status quo treat of sorts.. I don't get tired of it. It comes in different forms and I love to have chocolate in that form and this form.. but in the end... I am having my chocolate.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 10

RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/1/2008 8:04:21 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I'm still young, but I've found life offers unending opportunities for change and newness all on its own. I don't have to DO anything, I just have to BE aware and make choices on what's offered.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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Post #: 11

RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/1/2008 8:06:41 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
But as I said, I think we see this differently simply because of our age.

I think there is alot of truth in that to a degree. Though.. I don't believe it is so much about age but the experiences that have been experienced through those years. It is generally more likely that a person of older years will have had more experiences than one that is younger.. but maybe more critical is the realization that there is more years behind than there is ahead. In fact, quality healthy years might be alot less I suspect that this affects a persons' perspective of change vrs status quo as the time slips by. However, I don't believe it to be a universal truth.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 12

RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/1/2008 8:10:02 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress
Balance is very important in life. A person, or a relationship can easily be thrown off kilter if there is no balance between work, school, family, partnerships, friendships. It's important to take inventory from time to time and make whatever changes necessary to ensure that balance is preserved.

I tend to agree with this. but will add that the fulcrum of this balance can shift in person's life. Prior to Kyra in my life, I would say that there was alot more change and flux as just a part of living (and there still is alot) However, with Kyra in our life, the fulcrum has shifted somewhat for a heathy balance of the relationships.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 13

RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/2/2008 5:17:26 AM

slaveluci

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From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
We prefer a status quo in the relationship. This makes it a safe place to relax and recharge. He doesn't feel obligated to create rules he doesn't want just to have a reason to train me in something new which he isn't interested in either.

If one of us reads about an activity we haven't tried, we just mention it to the other. Sometimes we try it and sometimes we don't. But we don't care much if it becomes part of our preferred list or not. We are sufficiently compatible in so many ways that we can just relax and do what is enjoyable. For us BDSM activities are a respite from daily life and as such are only engaged in if enjoyable by both.

But as I said, I think we see this differently simply because of our age.

Possibly, but I doubt it. I'm in my mid-30's and I think everything you said above is spot-on!

This is exactly how it is with Master and I. We're under no self-imposed obligation to do things just to say we're doing them so others will think we're "fresh and exciting." Who cares what "others" think? We like things as they are.....................luci

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Post #: 14

RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/2/2008 6:14:58 AM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
I think there is alot of truth in that to a degree. Though.. I don't believe it is so much about age but the experiences that have been experienced through those years. It is generally more likely that a person of older years will have had more experiences than one that is younger..

Not only the experiences but the maturity to reflect on them. I had my ums in mid to late 30's. My friends with ums the same age who gave birth right out of high school have had much the same life experiences but don't seem to view things in the same light. Partly because they have healthier, younger parents whereas in my mid 50's I've lost a lot of extended family members.

The status quo, meaning a strong, loving supportive relationship with the comfort of known and enjoyable activities means a lot more when you've experienced more loss and more challenges.

Between us, we have 5 teenagers. Any challenge or growth opportunity comes dealing with that crew! And yes, raising teens is like nailing jello to the wall.

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RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/2/2008 8:33:40 AM

mummyman321

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I have never been satisfied with the status quo. I have always pushed my boundries in the vanilla world and in the BDSM world. I have always yearned to knowledge and learning new things. I consider the day wasted if I have failed to learning anything new that day. Are you the person the drives to same route home from work everyday or do you take a different route often just because you can? The answer to this question may reveal a little bit about your personality.

From a BDSM perspective I want my relationship to continue to grow. Maintaining the status quo would become boring to me. Try something new, do something different. Of course there will always be your favorites games/actions/wants/ routines that you always come back to. For me though I hope I always have that part of me that wants to take the road not tried. This also includes getting to know my partner better and understanding her.

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Life - Its not about where you are but about the journey to get there - I prefer to choose the road less traveled

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RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/2/2008 10:25:38 AM

agirl

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The status quo, for me, is the framework on which everything else is hung.

I think the type of characters that M and I have are a recipe for constant challenge and excitement. The mind is an awfully big playground in itself.

I've never had to think about whether things are fresh, exciting and spontaneous because paradoxically........that IS part of the status quo.

AS LA said ........ life itself presents SO much without working at it. It's all happening without me 'doing' anything. Life changes for me all the time and in doing so, I have to shift and adjust. I don't seek it out because I've never had to.

agirl

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RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/2/2008 10:49:41 AM

SirDominic

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According to Mr. Dictionary, status quo means "the existing state of affairs". My life has led me to believe that the only real constant in life is change. So it sure is not "static quo". Status quo is actually a constantly evolving state of affairs. Personally I believe that if there is NOT change and growth in a relationship, it is very likely doomed.

Rover mentioned that he perceived status quo as consistency and stability. Desirable traits in an ongoing relationship to be sure - within moderation. I'm sure we all know couples where the wife has so buried herself in her family, she becomes incapable of any discussion beyond that subject. That is unhealthy status quo. One typical result is the wandering husband syndrome.

Being open to the fresh, the new, the exciting is, I believe, a form of status quo. It is an existing state of affairs that is constantly shifting and changing, often in very subtle ways, sometimes in very big ways.

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RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/2/2008 11:18:16 AM

ExSteelAgain

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I'm always looking for new ideas. I will have conversations with CE every now and then about ideas one of us may have come across. Then we will discuss trying it. It could be we end us discounting it for various reasons, but it is kind of exciting to even discuss some things. Plus, it gives me an insight to what things she finds hot and vice versa. Have we really changed that much? Not really. Heh.

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RE: Change Vrs Status Quo - 12/2/2008 12:13:50 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain
but it is kind of exciting to even discuss some things.

Nods.. I agree. We three have a tendency to have discussions when soaking in the Hot tub together. Relaxed and throwning out ideas or opinions on a variety of things.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)

Post #: 20

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