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getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 3:32:42 PM

domanon

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline

Hi, first of all thanks for clicking my thread. No promises as to your enjoyment of it.

I have a situation and I'm looking for advice, comments, whatever.
Just as an outline of the situation:
I live with my girlfriend and we spend most of our time either working at seperate jobs or playing an online video game.
We love each other fiercely and I believe that our bond is very strong.

Now the issue is... we met here and started out planning on her being my slave. We in fact started out living 2 hours apart and had
white hot sex in the beginning which incorporated some light bdsm aspects like handcuffs and a plug for her, and I am a huge fan of ballgags,
so she's got one of those that she wears often during play.
Somewhere though things got lost or forgotten and we feel very vanilla to me and I am unhappy about it.
Basically I want to get back to a place where the M/s aspect of our relationship is evident outside of times that we are having sex.
I would like to nudge her focus onto wanting to please me.. and I really don't want to break our relationship in the process.

Thanks for reading my somewhat longer post and I'll appreciate any feedback, and I will be watching the thread to respond to any questions. I may not have been very clear so apologies for that but I am home sick today and doped up on cold meds, so that is my excuse, so again please pardon me.
I am a bdsm nub and await your flames good sirs and madams

Post #: 1

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 3:34:40 PM

mystickoolaid

Posts: 519
Joined: 11/15/2008
Status: offline

If you guys are 'so close' and 'so in love' why don't you just talk to HER about it? She shouldn't have a problem and should at least listen and acknowledge your thoughts, whether she agrees or not.

(in reply to domanon)

Post #: 2

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 3:39:56 PM

danibunkins

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/19/2008
Status: offline

Echo that. Talk to her about it. If you are as close as you profess, then just talking with her and explaining it, ought to help. :) And perhaps she feels the same way!

(in reply to mystickoolaid)

Post #: 3

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 4:00:05 PM

domanon

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline

Yeah I guess that is rather straight forward. Thanks for the replies ladies.

(in reply to danibunkins)

Post #: 4

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 4:14:42 PM

trealeon

Posts: 180
Joined: 4/7/2007
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I actually had this problem once and one of the things you're going to need to do in addition to talking to her (which I completely agree with... nothing can happen if there is no communication) is that if you both agree this is what you want, you need to make some time for each other that would involve growing to a point of M/s outside of the bedroom... things like working on training, protocol, boundaries, etc. so that you two can truly have the type of M/s relationship you want. You're going to have to cut back on the online gaming and carve out some M/s discussion/training/bonding time.

(in reply to domanon)

Post #: 5

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 4:24:16 PM

sparkyRBF

Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

[color="#330066" size="4"]I think this is a very important and realistic thread.
The realities of life tend to intrude and people get into a bit of a rut. Master and i have been enjoying this lifestyle for 15 years now and yes, there have been times when things have been down. His children moving in with us, my own child living with us, his kids wrecking our vehicles and eventually moving out, parents becoming ill and being apart for awhile.. all those realities of life tend to get in the way and sometimes it seems like serving or playing becomes just one more thing to do.

We have small things instituted to keep the M/s alive. Like i beg permission to sleep in Master's bed. or when i bring him coffee i kneel as a i serve it. going out to eat Master will demand i hand him my panties ABOVE the table.

Another thing we like to do is go over the Limit list. Revisit what our goals are. Things you filled out before on the limit list will change with time and trust. Also, ask her what you can do to inspire her to want to please you. I don't know if that is training or something inherent in a person to want to please and be pleasing.

Best of luck to you and remember it can't all be silks and spankings. Don't compare yourself to others, just Compare yourself to where you were before.

Sincerely

sparkyRBF

(in reply to domanon)

Post #: 6

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 4:27:36 PM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
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Be prepared for having to make a decision between a relationship dynamic you may really like and/or need, and a girlfriend you really like and/or need. It's not always possible to have both, though that is the ideal.

If it comes to having to decide between them, I suggest that you then put it out of your mind and commit yourself to whatever your decision may be. Anything short of that will simply make for an unhappy delay to the inevitable.

John

_____________________________

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(in reply to domanon)

Post #: 7

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 4:34:19 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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Step away from the video game and towards each other.
I didn't hear a lot about relational strength in your post, just hot sex previously.
This strikes me as a potential issue.
Davan

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(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 8

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 4:39:46 PM

lusciouslips19

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I agree with SParkyRBF. Rituals can be the only reminder when everyday life gets in the way. You've been together, you're busy. youre tired and vanilla sex is so much easier. Start some rituals. I towel dry my Dominant off when he gets out of the shower. When he comes home ,I take off his shoes and socks and massage his feet. while he is in a chair and I am below him. I get him his drinks. We also make efforts to go to the club(dungeon) that we both joined.

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(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 9

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 4:43:05 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

You could always just pull her into your lap, spank her ass until she's in a warm happy place, and then leash her - incorporating whatever works for you afterwards. I mean, it works for me, but I don't know how well that would play out with just anyone.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 10

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 4:54:08 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domanon
Somewhere though things got lost or forgotten and we feel very vanilla to me and I am unhappy about it.
Basically I want to get back to a place where the M/s aspect of our relationship is evident outside of times that we are having sex.
I would like to nudge her focus onto wanting to please me.. and I really don't want to break our relationship in the process.

and how does she feel about things?

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to domanon)

Post #: 11

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 4:57:38 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

The short answer is talk to her.

The long answer is talk to her about what you want to do and how you want it done, and if its not done what you want to do about it, (if you want it out of the bedroom.) Perhaps you might want to think of ways to excert your Dom side for awhile.

If this is more of a bedroom thing maybe you could live a nilla life outside the bedroom, put some rules just for there, maybe have her talk about her fantasies and what she wants to do and start to try and act on those. Think about your fantasies talk with her about those, see if she is interested in living any of those or is ok with the ones you want to live.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 12

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 5:28:58 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I agree with SParkyRBF. Rituals can be the only reminder when everyday life gets in the way. You've been together, you're busy. youre tired and vanilla sex is so much easier. Start some rituals. I towel dry my Dominant off when he gets out of the shower. When he comes home ,I take off his shoes and socks and massage his feet. while he is in a chair and I am below him. I get him his drinks. We also make efforts to go to the club(dungeon) that we both joined.

I have to echo this suggestion: Daily rituals help a great deal.

Sit down and talk, the two of you, about what has happened to your relationship and then decide together if you want to do. Are you on the same page in terms of what you want? You may need time apart to fully get in touch with what you each want and need.

Come back together and see if you can come to an agreement about how much of s Ds (don't go jumping to the Ms dynamic quite yet) dynamic you want in your daily lives. Now both of you come up with realistic and reasonable suggestions on some daily things you could do that will empower that dynamic. I'd stick to two or three small things right now. Make sure these are things you can both do without fail and with full focus on the minutes that you are doing them.

Now work with those for a few weeks then come and discuss things. How are you both feeling now? Do you want to increase the intensity of the Ds, leave it as it is, or does it need to come down? Go from there.

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And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 13

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 6:32:03 PM

domanon

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline

Hey everybody many thanks for your thoughtful comments.
We're going to have a talk tonight and see if we can get on the same page.
Thanks again, M

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 14

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 6:39:41 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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I am curious, when was the last time a utility or major payment was missed and who's fault was it?

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 15

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 6:44:33 PM

eri

Posts: 77
Joined: 11/3/2008
Status: offline

What does that have to do with anything? (is just plain confused)

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(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 16

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 6:51:31 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

Okay, it seems impossible to answer on this thread without starting with the obligatory echo service: Talk to one another. But I am only echoing, and I am sure the same is true of everyone else, because I am in deep agreement.
Talk first about What you want, then about how to get it.

You are busy, tired, and overwhelmed. This is not a weekend meet of a few super white hot intense hours, it is the long haul of daily life.

So, you might want to add one thing at a time, and build it into your life, to keep from becoming overwhelmed.

Can I suggest that the first rituals you add be rituals of communication, so that you can find out what works for one another and have some kind of map for getting back to the place you want to be?

Like - having her blog for you, or spending time sitting and talking with a speak freely rule, or something like that?

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(in reply to eri)

Post #: 17

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 7:08:42 PM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
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You can also reframe it as not a "problem", so much, but more as a desire to explore together and try new stuff. Be curious and have fun with it. And by framing it as a positive thing, see if you can put her creativity to work, too, cause two heads are often better than one, they say.

(in reply to domanon)

Post #: 18

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 7:17:48 PM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
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if someone wants to nudge my focus into pleasing them, then they have to be focused on me and my happiness as well as their own, and the better they treat me, the greater my desire to please them. so, if they find themselves unhappy and me not yielding to them, it's for one reason and one reason only; they're being too selfish, but that's just how it is with me.

(in reply to domanon)

Post #: 19

RE: getting back to M/s - 11/25/2008 7:30:22 PM

sparkyRBF

Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha

You can also reframe it as not a "problem", so much, but more as a desire to explore together and try new stuff. Be curious and have fun with it. And by framing it as a positive thing, see if you can put her creativity to work, too, cause two heads are often better than one, they say.

What a very good point! Change your perspective to change your life. And it also gives people a bond to work together towards a common goal instead of trying to change either yourself or the other person.

sparkyRBF

(in reply to Jeptha)

Post #: 20

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