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Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 4:42:40 PM   
lronitulstahp


Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline 		So after 2720 posts, i am finally starting a thread.

Recently, it's been brought to my attention that my attitude towards collaring may be a bit snobbish.  i always prided myself on the fact that i've never been collared.  i felt that it meant i wasn't one of the "herd".  That my D/s relationships were somehow more authentic without the trappings and pageantry i associated with certain protocols; that somehow, my TIH, HOH, and DD based relationships were different.  i was of the mind that the collar symbolized something for some, but wasn't anything special, or needed in my case.  That i could be "mentally collared, and just as dedicated...blah blah blah...."

“He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument”
~Shakespeare

i think alot of my bravado has been based on the "what if?" factor. There's that scary idea once you're collared, what happens next? 
 
 i 'd like to know if some of you would share your collaring stories.... tell what the collar itself symbolized...those of you with some BDSM historical background, please share that as well. 
 
Let me say, i know this subject has been discussed at length....but please, contribute nonetheless.

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 4:45:03 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		::::sigh::::  Tulip starts a thread, and I got nothing.

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 5:16:17 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*sigh* me too, LadyH....

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 5:21:39 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		It was very important to me to have that outward sign of my Master's approval.  There is a thrill that goes through me when he suddenly grabs it.  In my own mind it has the rough equivalence of a wedding ring, a tangible symbol of commitment. 

I don't wear it at all times.  When it is not around my neck there is an invisible one there that I carry with me.  I also wear my Master's mark in the form of a tattoo, and between the two the mark is more important to me.  It cannot be easily removed and is with me no matter what I'm doing or who else is around. 


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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 5:40:48 PM   
DoctorJeep


Posts: 51
Joined: 11/17/2008
Status: offline 		It is interesting that you mention this.  I would say that the collar *never* comes first.  She must earn her collar.  I will explain repeatedly to her during the opening weeks what the collar will mean:

1. That when she puts it on, this is her outward surrender, after that, there will be no complaints, no lip, no nothing or she will be harshly disciplined.
2. That it is a reminder of her state always.  When she is away, I will have her tug the collar and ask "Who do you belong to?"  Most subs find this immensely comforting.
3.  That the collar means that her body is mine to use as I will.  All of her openings at anytime are fair game for whatever I want.  Now to be fair, this is within reason.  If she has pneumonia or some such, my first concern would be that she gets better...  However, under normal circumstances whenever I want.  A useful trick is to talk with her about whatever.  Have a great conversation and then tell her to kneel and please me.  Then we continue the conversation.
4.  The collar means that she will submit to my discipline.  If she becomes recalcitrant about this, she will loose the collar and be cast off.
5.  The collar is a sign of my ownership.  Again, most subs find this immensely comforting.

All of this is explained clearly more than once.

Then I will ask, when the time is appropriate if she is ready to be collared.  When she puts it on, it is a very emotional experience for both of us.

Then I will ask if she is ready to accept the collar and all that it means.

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 5:42:33 PM   
StrictnSaucy


Posts: 363
Joined: 1/6/2005
Status: offline 		I have had my sub now for 4 -5 years and we never did the collaring thing. We are happy with the way we live our life and dont feel the need to validate it.  Maybe one day it will become important to me, but I truly believe we are more collared and married (devoted to each other with out the trappings) than most we know.

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 6:03:01 PM   
PurpleSockx


Posts: 63
Joined: 11/6/2008
Status: offline 		I have never found traditional collars appealing for many reasons, the main ones being that I find them too common & impersonal now not to mention that I never saw one that I found good-looking... During the first weeks of my relationship, my Master had offered me a simple bracelet made out of thin rope we use for bondage. It's simple yet I like the look of it and I wear it pretty much all the time since. A few months ago I was telling a friend about my dislikes for collars and told about my bracelet and he said: "Well, that IS your collar". He was right :) I respect the fact that for many other slaves it is very important and what it means to them but personally I like having a symbol of my commitment without it being something that seems too "formal".

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 6:09:13 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5175
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		I did not want a collar....a relationship yes, a collar no.  I was certain a collar was more than i could give to another. 

We made a bet one day.  It was a silly bet as to whether i would see mountain goats on the day trip we were making.  I never seem to see wildlife, even when others have seen lots on previous trips.  The wager was left open ended, and i trusted him to not as for more than i could give.  Of course i lost as we saw more than a dozen mountain goats.  A few weeks later during sex he announced that he was claiming the right to collar me.  Scared??!!  Yes i was as a collar represented a commitment for which i was not sure i was ready.

That was 2 1/2 years ago.  We are content.  It's been a good life. 

(in reply to lronitulstahp)
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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 6:17:03 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		As some here know, at one point I was a collared slave to a Master. At that time I was quite green around the ears and in the thrall of being a newbie and assuming that I could handle all the implications of my collar. I do admit that I had accepted the collar for many wrong reasons and because I was wearing the infamous rose colored glasses. Though as it turned out, I found that my collar was becoming a heavy weight around my neck and grew to resent it.

For the past 18 months I have been uncollared and during this time, I have come to understand more of the implications of wearing one and processing my love/hate relationship with wearing another's collar again. I have a better concept of the mental and physical implications to wearing one, I also find that at times I do yearn to wear one again. My yearning is tempered by the practical realization that I know more now then I had 2 years ago plus I understand myself 1000X better.

Do I still yearn to wear another's collar: Yes.
Will I rush to wear one: No
Is a collar vital to my sense of validation of my D/s relationship: Not so much anymore.

I may or may never be collared again and that I can live with. If the chance ever presents itself where I will be collared and my Sir asks if this is what I truly desire, chances are I will be able to say Yes because I will desire wearing one for all the Right reasons.


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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 6:21:22 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I would think by now people are sick of hearing this story.  To save Myself the keystrokes, you can find the story here.  http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2252024&key=collar

The collar itself is an outward sign of My ownership of his submission.  Yes, it is just a tangible thing.  In his own words, clip felt collared to Me long before My symbol was on his neck.  The right to wear it was something he earned.  I could never write here every little thing that he ever did to make Me feel that way.

What happens next, you ask.  I don't know if I can write that, either.  All I can say is, you grow.  You learn.  The bond deepens.  The good (hopefully) gets better.  The place becomes secure.  The view through your eyes changes in some ways.  One day, you wake up, and you realize it is exactly where you want to be.

I hope this dribble has helped some.


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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 6:27:12 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		My perceptions once were that there was a sense that the collar represented a trophy, and once the Dominant had his trophy, he was back off on the hunt again looking nfor a new conquest.  Because of that, it represented, for me, a level of control that meant if I never wore one - he'd never fully have conquered me, and he wouldn't then grow bored and move on to other conquests.  Now, it represents that very symbol of surrender that epitomizes all I am willing to risk to be his.  That whether or not he does move on to other conquests, or remains content with what we have together, I am his to own. 

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 11/18/2008 6:30:09 PM >

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 6:32:15 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

my attitude towards collaring may be a bit snobbish


Umm, I guess I will then have to be snobbish - maybe even arrogant. I see "collaring" (with all due deference to those for whom rituals are valuable) as a useless ritual. Just like other artificial rituals, it is to me close to alcohol free beer and artificial insemination - it may work, but what's the fun? I personally find rituals that my partner or playmate and I develop together much more valuable and exciting than doing things because they're somebody else's fantasms.

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 6:39:43 PM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		I find it interesting that you stated...that you perception of a collar meant something as only atrophy to dominates...
 
I have read enough of your posts to know you did not just pull into town and hop of a bus...so
 
If you wish to answer a question......fine...if not...fine
 
Where did you get that perception....from?

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 6:45:00 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThundersCry

I find it interesting that you stated...that you perception of a collar meant something as only atrophy to dominates...
.... 
Where did you get that perception....from?


Observation.  I saw it happen enough times, to form the opinion.  Not to me...of course, but to others.  I just didn't want to risk, for a long time, the chance of being anyone's conquest or being abandoned.

Edited to add:  What you watch from the outside, and the opinions formed, aren't always correct, but they are relevant to ones own perceptions and reactions :)

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 11/18/2008 6:50:13 PM >

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 6:54:05 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Well shoot, here I was expecting subs to be the ones answering! 

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 6:56:25 PM   
HisPhedre


Posts: 32
Joined: 7/26/2008
Status: offline 		Me wearing a permanent collar was not something that either My Lord and I planned for.

He and I were both somewhat new to the BDSM life.   He'd always been interested, and I had been introduced to it by an ex, however, it had not been followed up on.

So for us both is symbolizes the relationship that we have that is very special to us both.   I like touching it and mentally hearing him say "mine".   I know he enjoys looking at it and seeing the reminder that I belong to him.  

Just my couple of pennies....

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 7:00:18 PM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		I actually moved to another city because I had to find out....s\deep down inside...so I could get involved in some groups...
 
I found what I wanted and needed in a very short time and I went away from the groups to train with her...I craved a...collar. Craved...it was intense to say the least...
 
My life will never be the same after my experiences with...her.
 
I never got that collar...I was very.....close...
 
Some things are not to be...
 
None the less...
 
I find it even more disturbing that those were your kind of observations where you were at those times to see the meaning of a collar... that....way..
 
Thats kinda stuff can wound some people way beyond repair...
 
Ahhh, but to have her look in my eyes and cry sayin`...*you were the best boy I have ever seen*....made it all worth it...
 
How things....change
 
Thx...for your answer

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 7:05:56 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I guess to most people the collar symbolizes commitment.  And in my view, commitment usually boils down to people being devoted to one another until it doesn't work for them any longer.  Therefore no tangible symbol (a wedding ring, a collar etc) is holding anything together, or making a union stronger than it would be without it.

I've never been "collared", but if I were, the biggest value it would have to me would be to feel the physical reminder on my body all the time.  Other than that, I don't give it much weight or see it as some kind of token of security.

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 7:07:20 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThundersCry

I actually moved to another city because I had to find out....s\deep down inside...so I could get involved in some groups...
 
I found what I wanted and needed in a very short time and I went away from the groups to train with her...I craved a...collar. Craved...it was intense to say the least...
 
My life will never be the same after my experiences with...her.
 
I never got that collar...I was very.....close...
 
Some things are not to be...
 
None the less...
 
I find it even more disturbing that those were your kind of observations where you were at those times to see the meaning of a collar... that....way..
 
Thats kinda stuff can wound some people way beyond repair...
 
Ahhh, but to have her look in my eyes and cry sayin`...*you were the best boy I have ever seen*....made it all worth it...
 
How things....change
 
Thx...for your answer


I understand that craving now...but in a way that I couldn't then, because I wasn't willing to be that transparent and giving.

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RE: Reluctance in collaring - 11/18/2008 7:10:44 PM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		I paid a price...
 
Your wise...
 
<fades>

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