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Explain thyself! - 11/8/2008 10:45:50 PM   
pridedenied


Posts: 83
Joined: 9/28/2008
Status: offline 		How would you talk to someone who isnt in the lifestyle and has no clue about any of it? For example how would you define a dom? a sub? explain why you're involved? I'm lost. Please help.

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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/8/2008 10:49:29 PM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline 		i have explained this to my vanilla gf and after we talked about it a bit, she understood the generalizations of it, but doesn't quite understand they whys.

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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/8/2008 10:51:31 PM   
zakkan


Posts: 606
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline 		Print them the wikipedia article

Anyway, I managed to feed my friends information day by day, slowly exposing them, until they had a general idea. Of course I had to lie a bit, but I didn't want to shock them.


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Silence! I keel you!

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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/8/2008 11:02:21 PM   
moonvine


Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		I probably wouldn't.  I like to keep my private life private.

(in reply to pridedenied)
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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/8/2008 11:05:35 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

How would you talk to someone who isnt in the lifestyle


I point them to the internet, I have to admit I have little patience for folks unwilling to do their homework, now that it is so easy.

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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/8/2008 11:55:07 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pridedenied
How would you talk to someone who isnt in the lifestyle and has no clue about any of it? For example how would you define a dom? a sub? explain why you're involved? I'm lost. Please help.

dom= someone who enjoys having the final say-so
sub= someone who enjoys someone else having the final say-so

Why?  Because it just fits right

It really depends on who the person is, their level of interest, our relationship together and where I want our relationship to go in the future.  Mostly project the attitude you want them to receive.  And good on doing your homework- you need to be prepared for questions they will ask before you choose to out yourself.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/9/2008 1:17:23 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pridedenied

How would you talk to someone who isnt in the lifestyle and has no clue about any of it? For example how would you define a dom? a sub? explain why you're involved? I'm lost. Please help.


That is difficult. What do you want to tell and why?
Do you care what they think about you? Will they judge you?

most important..Do you need to tell them?

personally. I would just tell them if I feel the need to do it. And respond to their reactions. That way you can tell more..or stop.

< Message edited by JustDarkness -- 11/9/2008 1:18:33 AM >

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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/9/2008 1:27:12 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		I don't like it when people try to 'push' their lifestyle on me, or attempt to convert me to their religion or political views.  Because I don't like it, I tend to prefer leaving my private life private and let people learn about BDSM on their own and in their own time.  If I'm asked, I first ask them if they REALLY want to know and if they are prepared for the truth.  I usually say it jokingly, with that 'careful what you ask for' look.  Usually, they joke back and the conversation gets diverted away from my personal interests.  When someone does persist, I tell them that I was raised to believe that men are the head of the household, that I miss having a relationship structured in that way, and I am looking for someone who wants to accept the responsibility of taking the leadership role in our relationship.  The rest, is really not anyone's business.

When someone in my family or who is close to me gets wise to things and says something, I usually shrug and say - "yep, I'm kinky."  Offering no apologies and no explanations. 

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 11/9/2008 1:32:37 AM >

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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/9/2008 2:26:09 AM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline 		I would never attempt to define anyone else. I have enough trouble defining myself. Besides all the "other" parts of me, the best way I've found to define myself:
When the barbarian comes out, he does whatever he wants. He will want to twist your mind. He will want to scramble your sense of pleasure and pain. He will play your body and mind like a musical instrument. He will take pleasure from your submission, from your bodies willingness to submit and enjoy. He wants to conquer your self control.
When the barbarian takes over, there is no safe word. If you think there is something you can deny him for his pleasure, he will want it. Not only that, he will play you, your body and mind, until you enjoy it. The barbarian is in touch with the animal within. He will read your body and mind, by your smells, the feel of blood pounding through your body, the temperature of your skin and sounds you try to muffle. You will feel like you are stalked by a wild beast.

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I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/9/2008 4:11:30 AM   
shivermetimbers


Posts: 2060
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pridedenied

How would you talk to someone who isnt in the lifestyle and has no clue about any of it? For example how would you define a dom? a sub? explain why you're involved? I'm lost. Please help.


I wouldn't discuss my private life like that, and none of my vanilla friends know of my involvement in BDSM, save my older brother, and I don't discuss what would amount to wank material with him either. He simply knows that I have an alternative lifestyle from the mainstream view, and that's all he needs to know.

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I love you Deanna, you make every day a better day.

If we descended from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ3CJi0Ih9s&feature=player_embedded

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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/9/2008 4:20:08 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Ya, I operate on a "need to know" basis. There really isn't that much too many people need to know.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/9/2008 6:24:08 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I attended a munch one time and heard the phrase "in the closet".  It took me by surprise because I had thought of that for gays and had never thought to apply it to the lifestyle.  I decided then and there that I would not be in the closet to my grown daughter.  If she found out about my involvement in the lifestyle I wanted it to be through me and not by chance.

She and I had lunch the next day and I brought it up to her.  I focused on the psychological aspects, talking about the trust and communication.   We talked about the roles of the Dom and the sub, basically that the sub chooses to follow the "commands" of the Dom during a "session", or time together, and that it may grow to be more encompassing over time.  I was still a Domme at the time, and she got a good laugh out of the idea that I should have taken a whip to my ex for being such a rude and insensitive man.  (Her suggestion!) 

The important thing is not to overwhelm the person.  Some may want to know the sexual or kinky details; it is completely up to you how much you want to share.  You don't need to give a dissertation on what the lifestyle is but just hit on some of the reasons it is important to you.  Maybe you like the feeling of "belonging" to someone, the deep bond that comes with the trust, the being able to leave your problems at the door and just sink into focusing totally on someone else, or something similar.  (Since I don't know you I used examples from my own life.)  Be prepared for various reactions - from shock to titillation to honest questions.  Just don't get flustered or feel pressured into sharing more than you want to.


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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/9/2008 6:40:07 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I wouldn't explain. Why would I? My private life is just that..private.

What would be the reason for you having to explain it to anyone?

If I really had to for some odd reason it would be very very simple.....

he leads, I follow. He says "jump", I ask "how high?"

(in reply to chamberqueen)
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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/9/2008 7:44:26 AM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline 		I opted for "slowly".  But then, the cuture/headspace side hasn't really come up, it's mostly all about the S&M, which again, slowly, at the pace of the person listening, and letting them lead with questions and come to me when they are wanting to know more/answers.

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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/9/2008 7:58:32 AM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline 		When my family brings it up, I simply smile. They know not to ask me about it, I don't discuss my private affairs with anyone. My niece told me once "I am just like you", I knew what she meant, without saying anymore about it. I would no more ask my family about their lifestyle practices than I would some stranger on the street. It is non of my business. Ergo, it is none of theirs.
But then I am an extremely private person.


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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/9/2008 8:18:20 AM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pridedenied

How would you talk to someone who isnt in the lifestyle and has no clue about any of it? For example how would you define a dom? a sub? explain why you're involved? I'm lost. Please help.


My vanilla friends often have lots of questions about me and WIITID.  I answer them honestly and as completely as I can.  I have invited several of those who seem to have more than a passing interest to accompany me to the local club and a few of them have taken me up on it. 
 
My closer vanilla friends, the ones who are a part of my social network,  are usually exposed to many different relationship dynamics within that social network, and are slowly gaining their own understanding without having to ask me all the questions.

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Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/9/2008 8:40:51 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		I tell people that dominants are just like recreational bosses... generally, folks that just enjoy running other peoples' lives. Submissive people tend to like to have their lives managed and let other people run the show. As for why? That's like asking someone why they like the theatre, or why they like rock music instead of country... it's just a personal preference.

Most of the rest of the pieces and parts of D/s are just window-dressing... For myself, I'm here because I enjoy it and I'm good at it -- everything else is just icing.

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/9/2008 10:12:40 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		One day someone will have to explain to me how vanillas using the term "husband," discussing where they did and what places they enjoyed on their honeymoon, is somehow not private, but calling your partner rightly your "master" and discussing where you went on your kinky vacation is.

I also need explaining how when people give me weird looks and questions about my needing permission for certain things that it's somehow spilling out my private life.

Ds to me isn't kink in the bedroom and sex- it's how I work in my relationships.  To say that's somehow "private" would be to suggest telling someone I'm in a relationship at all is too revealing and inappropriate.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/9/2008 10:15:04 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pridedenied

How would you talk to someone who isnt in the lifestyle and has no clue about any of it? For example how would you define a dom? a sub? explain why you're involved? I'm lost. Please help.


"I am submissive in my intimate relationships."

That's about it.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: Explain thyself! - 11/9/2008 10:19:25 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		All depends on who you're telling and why.  Is it a potential SO, a doctor asking you about the purple marks on your ass, or your mother after she just found your spreader bar in the closet?


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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