Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

How...?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> How...? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
How...? - 10/30/2008 4:02:18 AM   
Moghedien


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline
So, I've been married for almost 8 years. I always had some "interest" in BDSM, but for most of my adult life hid it, thought it was strange, etc...withing the last few years, I have discovered that this is not only not something to be hidden, but something normal to be embraced. So I finally found the courage somewhere to explain this to my husband, and he was not only not horrified like something in the back of my head still thought he would be, but interested....And I know that this sounds great, like a new adventure, and it should be. My problem is that I'm having trouble "seeing" him in the role of a Dominant. We've spent so much time together as equals, and while married, also best friends, that I'm having some issues really seeing him in that light. And I'm sure that's something that could be cured by him....well, putting me in my place and making me see him that way. ;) But he's new enough to the idea and hesitant enough that any sign of resistance from me makes him back off, and we kind of hit a wall. Any ideas?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 4:23:50 AM   
Dave1947


Posts: 15
Joined: 5/2/2007
Status: offline 		send me an email and we can discuss it

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 4:29:50 AM   
Stroke


Posts: 109
Joined: 8/17/2007
Status: offline 		It is hard to see something in someone when they have never behaved that way before. I believe that you are correct in thinking that this is something that could be cured by him. Clearly you want to see him as a Dominant, so that will help. With time and some learning, especially since you say he is interested, I see no reason why you cannot both learn and grow together.

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 4:37:58 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Okay, a little reality about men...

On the outside your husband is saying..."hmmm" and nodding..."interesting"...and..."let's look into this"

On the inside he is going 

His wife is interested in getting KINKY!!!!!

Get him on the forums here and reading in the topics for information.   This is the man you love and married.  Show him the bar and give him the chance to clear it with ease...I suspect and hope he will not disappoint.  

Welcome to the forums and the adventure!


_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 4:56:53 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Start with the fun stuff. Allow him to dominate you in the bedroom at first. Do not jump into 24/7 instead start with one evening a week. Then allow him to slowly expand in nonthreatening ways such as saying "Honey, tomorrow night make that great chicken and artichoke dish for dinner".

And start keeping a list of stuff you do because he likes it and you'll realize he already is making decisions. Who decides what car to buy? Who decides that you should go to the movies on Friday night? Once you recognize how many decisions he makes, and how much you chose in order to please him you may realize that you already have a limited d/s relationship.

And expect it to take at least six months for him to change life long thinking about not being a domineering asshole. Also expect him not to suddenly stop ever thinking about your pleasure because that's a decision he's making, that it enhances his pleasure if you're into stuff too.

You may have all kinds of fantasies about being forced. If you want to try this stuff, do it as role play at first. If it works, then maybe he'll institute it, or maybe he'll keep it as role play. Dominant means he decides. So ask him for decisions and then do what he chooses.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 10/30/2008 5:07:40 AM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 5:23:07 AM   
MistresseLotus


Posts: 443
Joined: 9/19/2008
From: (aka LotusSong)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Moghedien
But he's new enough to the idea and hesitant enough that any sign of resistance from me makes him back off, and we kind of hit a wall. Any ideas?


So... quit resisting until he gets the hang of it.  Patience is the key.

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 5:49:33 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		First bit of advice is to make sure that he IS Dominant, because not all males are. If he is then proceed slowly by reading books and perhaps contacting a local group to find someone to mentor him.

Good luck,
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 6:24:34 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Is there a local group that you can join?  Both of you could use more of an intro than you get from just reading.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 6:25:13 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistresseLotus

quote:

ORIGINAL: Moghedien
But he's new enough to the idea and hesitant enough that any sign of resistance from me makes him back off, and we kind of hit a wall. Any ideas?


So... quit resisting until he gets the hang of it.  Patience is the key.


That's what I'm thinking

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to MistresseLotus)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 6:34:36 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Moghedien


So, I've been married for almost 8 years. I always had some "interest" in BDSM, but for most of my adult life hid it, thought it was strange, etc...withing the last few years, I have discovered that this is not only not something to be hidden, but something normal to be embraced. So I finally found the courage somewhere to explain this to my WIFE, and SHE was not only not horrified like something in the back of my head still thought he would be, but interested....And I know that this sounds great, like a new adventure, and it should be. My problem is that I'm having trouble "seeing" HERin the role of a SUBMISSIVE. We've spent so much time together as equals, and while married, also best friends, that I'm having some issues really seeing HERin that light. And I'm sure that's something that could be cured by HER....well, OBEYING and LETTING me see HER that way. ;) But SHE'S new enough to the idea and hesitant enough that any sign of DOMINANCE from me makes HER RESIST, and we kind of hit a wall. Any ideas?



There is your husbands post.  Imagine how you would feel if he said the above...

Its not that he isn't dominant enough its that you just aren't submissive enough.  Okay that was a bit of sarcasm but trust me, there are quite a few frequent posters who went through exactly what you are talking about.  I sure as hell did, give the guy a break, HELP your partner learn and grow, be a damn team and work together and you will both end up happier.

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 7:03:11 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Otterswim said:
On the outside your husband is saying..."hmmm" and nodding..."interesting"...and..."let's look into this". On the inside he is going His wife is interested in getting KINKY!!!!!

OK, I don't want to start a brawl seeing as I think I picked enough fights yesterday. But in my opinion, this is misleading and potentially dangerous (and somewhat offensive). This would be akin to me saying of a woman, "Here's a little tip for you, outside she may be saying ooooh, let's get kinky, but inside she's looking at the balance in your bank account." Now honestly, if I had said that, dont' you think about 6 billion subs would be climbing down my throat at this very moment -- you among them? Not merely insulting to women in general, but generally bad advice too. For the record, my wife's first proposition to me was as a bedroom sub (read sex slave) and I declined that offer.

quote:

Moghedien said
My problem is that I'm having trouble "seeing" him in the role of a Dominant. We've spent so much time together as equals, and while married, also best friends, that I'm having some issues really seeing him in that light. And I'm sure that's something that could be cured by him....well, putting me in my place and making me see him that way. ;) But he's new enough to the idea and hesitant enough that any sign of resistance from me makes him back off, and we kind of hit a wall. Any ideas?

I can sympathize, but here's some thoughts. FIrst of all, in a loving relationship, it's my opinion that the dominant has the WAY riskier position. How easy for the sub to sink back into her submission knowing full well that nothing bad will happen because her dominant loves her. How hard for the dominant to take control knowing that any mess-ups are going to be with the woman he loves. It's not surprising and a sign of how important you are to him that he's hesitant. Perhaps rather than you waiting for him to get his dominance together then turn you into a sub, you'll find it to be easier the other way way? Why don't you get your submission together then help turn him into a dominant? In the end, it's a teamwork thing. Probably the best way to look at it is that you both need to reinforce each other's roles just like husband and wife. MistressLotus and Sailingbum have already said it and I'll chime in... Every time you resist while he's getting his feet under him, you knock him back down to the ground again. Is this how you want to be treating your husband?

teamwork to a shared goal is a beautiful thing

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 7:30:54 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		This is exactly what was being discussed in the Vanilla vs D/s thread, the learning curve on how to submit gracefully and how to work with resistance from a Dominant's position. Give him time, let him learn, let yourself learn, talk to other submissives, hopefully he can make friends with other Dominants. Learn from others mistakes.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 7:38:25 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		When are you waiting to do DS?

In the bedroom? That's where I'd recommend you start off. Perhaps role-playing could help you separate your positions as husband-wife and dom-sub a bit more. It does have to be extreme but it could help.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 7:43:03 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dave1947

send me an email and we can discuss it


wow....trollin much?


_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.
I am flawed.
Imperfect.
MUST SPANK!!!
SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to Dave1947)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 7:44:49 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		What do you think dominance and submission is?  What is it that someone does that causes you to perceive them as dominant or submissive?

The process starts internally.  Define what this is for yourself. 

Like someone else said... when he exerts authority, stop resisting and start submitting to his will.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 7:53:07 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14449
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Well, the first thing is that you've just made the decision. Give him time. It's not like a flip you switch and "shazam" you're a Dominant. Being dominant may be inherent, but being "A" Dominant is learned behavior. Beyond that, you've just changed everything that your marriage has been based on for the past 8 years.

The second thing is, he's changed his perspective and now you need to change yours. Before you open your mouth and behave resistantly, stop and remind yourself what you requested. Submission isn't always about doing what's easy and fun. It's when you get to the things that aren't neccessarily fun and easy that submission gets truly shown.

Lastly, I would recommend having him read "The Loving Dominant" written by John Warren. It's a book that dispells a lot of the preconceptions that the vanilla mind holds about D/s BDSM relationships.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 8:15:36 AM   
bound4more


Posts: 128
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

My problem is that I'm having trouble "seeing" him in the role of a Dominant. We've spent so much time together as equals, and while married, also best friends, that I'm having some issues really seeing him in that light. And I'm sure that's something that could be cured by him....well, putting me in my place and making me see him that way. ;) But he's new enough to the idea and hesitant enough that any sign of resistance from me makes him back off, and we kind of hit a wall. Any ideas?

 
You know, I completely understand how you feel. I felt that way for quite some time. Then I really got what the problem was for me. I was seeing my Master in the "role of a Dominant". That "role" was comprised of all the things I'd read online and other D/s related literature. I had created a model of what a Dominant is, how he should act and treat me etc. I also did the exact same thing to myself in regard to what a sub or a slave is.  All this created between us is some picture of how it was all supposed to look, be and feel. It created a scenario that may work fine in a play dungeon, but was causing arguments and hurt feelings between us.
 
I had to let go of seeing either of us in any role. I had to look much deeper within myself and ask "why do I love this man"? I looked at all his fine qualities, his love for me, his support of me etc. Then I asked myself "can you worship these things? Can you seek to view him from a positive, embracing, respectful place"? I found my submission growing within me and taking it to him, offering it rather than expecting him to "make" me be submissive.
 
Don't get me wrong, I love the rush of feeling his dominance, especially when it takes me by surprise. But I've learned not to live for that feeling. For me submission is about looking at him through the eyes of love and acceptance and seeing how I can be of service to him, how I can bring joy and ease into his life, how I can be playful and enticing.  I also had to really get it, that of course signs of resistance where going to make him feel like he should back off. After all this is a consentual agreement, he loves me and does not desire anything that I really don't want.
 
We've been together for 3 years in a living together D/s dynamic, and the above are the conclusions I've reached - and they work for us. I cannot demand his dominance anymore than he can demand my submission. Demands only make people not want to do what we want. I think it's easy to confuse a desire to be taken, with dominance. Although that "take what you want" attitude is hot, it's not all there is to dominance. Give him the understanding, the room to move in his own way and time. Observe him for ways you can serve him, which expresses your submission. Talk together about protocols and rituals, kinks that may feed the dynamic. And mostly submit instead of demand.

_____________________________

You can tell who someone really is by how they act

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 8:20:43 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Yes. Use subject lines to put a subject in, and have a profile. Works both in the real world and in forums.

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 8:34:09 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Moghedien


So, I've been married for almost 8 years. I always had some "interest" in BDSM, but for most of my adult life hid it, thought it was strange, etc...withing the last few years, I have discovered that this is not only not something to be hidden, but something normal to be embraced. So I finally found the courage somewhere to explain this to my husband, and he was not only not horrified like something in the back of my head still thought he would be, but interested....And I know that this sounds great, like a new adventure, and it should be. My problem is that I'm having trouble "seeing" him in the role of a Dominant. We've spent so much time together as equals, and while married, also best friends, that I'm having some issues really seeing him in that light. And I'm sure that's something that could be cured by him....well, putting me in my place and making me see him that way. ;) But he's new enough to the idea and hesitant enough that any sign of resistance from me makes him back off, and we kind of hit a wall. Any ideas?



since you state that your interest is in BDSM, not D/s, which this slave takes to mean Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism and not Dominance/submission, perhaps you could try viewing him as a "top" and you as a "bottom" and you could do away with the difficulty of infusing "dominance" and "submission" into the mix altogether.
 
talk about what turns you on, what expectations and fantasies you have, as well as what doesn't turn you on, the "DON'T EVEN go there" 's and physical/mental/spiritual limitations you have as they pertain to your mutual exploration of BDSM.  make a list, if you like, shop for toys...or not, then get to the having fun part!!!
 
from this slave's perspective, enjoying BDSM doesn't mean that either participant has to dominate over/submit to the other.

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How...? - 10/30/2008 9:05:37 AM   
housemouse61


Posts: 60
Joined: 6/12/2008
Status: offline 		i always get a bit of the heebie jeebies when i see these kinds of posts in the forums because it is potentially icy ground.  It is my personal belief, based on my own experience, that you cannot magically turn someone into something they are not.  Meaning you cannot turn someone who does not have a natural propensity toward domination or submission into either Dominant or submissive.  Nor can they do so for you if it does not come to them naturally in some form.  Therefore, i agree with Ms. Lashra that the first order of business, as it were, is to discern whether your husband has natural dominant tendencies (i.e., does he naturally take the lead as head of your household in the decision making process, etc.).  If natural dominance is not part of his everyday personality; the chances are greater that the best you can acheive is what i refer to as "roleplaying dominance".  i also think it's important for you to really explore the reasons why, after 8 years of "standard marriage" it is something that has become important to you.  What do you think BDSM will bring to the relationship?  A deeper understanding of one another?  A stronger bond?  More excitement?  Maybe just something different from the status quo?  And you might want to ask yourself if you are truly submissive?  Do you naturally allow him to take the lead?

The answers to questions like these can go a long way toward helping or hindering the transition from a "standard marriage" into one that includes a BDSM dynamic.  And it's important for both of you to explore these things in depth, together.  Perhaps, in answering these questions you will find that you are more naturally dominant than he and can work to approach the transition from that perspective.  There are a myriad of BDSM relationships and none of them are set in stone.  Take what works for both of you and incorporate it into your current relationship slowly and lovingly and see what wonders you discover in each other.

There are lots of avenues for gathering information regarding BDSM relationships and such and you and your hubby should have great fun exploring and learning together...about yourselves, about each other and how to incorporate BDSM into your marriage as it suits both of you best.

Good luck and happy journies to both of you.

Peace favor and blessed be,

nikki
Property of Cruel Desires

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> How...? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078