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RE: On Being Stupid - 10/16/2008 1:58:10 PM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Slave2Bob

To clarify, I never expected to be his "everything", and was assured that I'd NEVER be his "nothing". The man I worship, is so busy cowering at his wifes  feet and kissing her ass that I'm lucky to get an e-mail. A true Dom should be just that, not a part timer. I love him dearly, but can't say that I haven't lost some respect after several months of very restricted contact due to the deception and cowering.


there is a story about an woman who found a half-frozen poisonous snake by the side of the road.  he told her "help me, i will freeze to death!" and she did.  she took him into her home, warmed him, fed him and nursed him back to health till the weather warmed again in the spring.  as he was leaving her home, he turned around and visciously bit her, then left to leave her to die. 

"i saved your life!  you would have died!"  she cried.  "you knew what i was when you picked me up" the snake replied, and left.

Daddy is a married man, with a disabled wife.  he will not leave her because he swore to take care of her.  he doesnt love her, but feels obligated.  and so, i accepted that.  i dealt with the frustration and the little contact, and everything else.  it was my choice to accept his collar and my choice to stay.  when my situation changed and i left the state, i asked to be released and Daddy refused.  so i still belong to him, and yet i dont, either.  i am with TheEngineer (who knows all about it) and life goes on.  he and i are engaged to be married before the end of the year (no date set).

what has this to do with anything?  you knew that your Sir was married, and you chose to go down that road anyway.  its still your choice to go down that road.  you dont have to dump him, you dont have to leave him.  you will probably never change him, so you would have to change your feelings about being alone for long periods of time, how to accept the time you do get with him, and whether or not you can live with this as a long term thing.  i'm not telling you that you're right or wrong, just that you have to decide if its something you can live with....

or something that will poison you in the end.

kitten

(in reply to Slave2Bob)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/16/2008 2:02:18 PM   
housemouse61


Posts: 60
Joined: 6/12/2008
Status: offline 		It's not about being "stupid" or a "dumbass"...it's about making an honest mistake in judgment and paying a painful price.  i've never engaged in a relationship with a married partner because in my mind starting a relationship that starts out with any kind of dishonesty is a hard limit that i've had since i was just a lil vanilla girl.  However, i did have a penchant for the good-looking, bad-boy types whose only real loyalty and commitment centered around their narcissistic selves.  i was the epitome of Freud's definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over always expecting a different result.  Took me years to kick the bad boy habit.  But, when i did i found a happy and lasting relationship with Master.

Honesty and openness are the concrete footings of any relationship.  Without them the relationship has no viable standing and therefore cannot continue to exist (if it ever truly existed in the first place).  On the other hand, getting involved with a married partner does not always have to end in disaster.  Some have open marriages that allow both to explore relationships outside of the nuptuals and be honest and open with each other about their explorations.  i have a friend who has been involved with a married partner for decades and both are quite happy with the arrangement.  One already has the committment she needs within her marriage and he is free to enjoy her companionship and love without further expectations put upon him.  It works for them.

Bottom line, it's never a good thing when you get involved with someone who already has a partner (married or not) and is not being open and honest about his/her involvement with others outside of the primary relationship.  Unless you don't mind the idea of forever playing "second fiddle".  Then i say more power to ya.

In the end, all you can do is take what you've learned from this experience, heartbreaking as it obviously has been, and move along with new knowledge and insight.  And try not to make the same mistake twice.  Good luck to you.

Peace favor and blessed be,

nikki
Property of Cruel Desires

(in reply to MrHarsh)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/16/2008 2:03:26 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Slave2Bob

To clarify, I never expected to be his "everything", and was assured that I'd NEVER be his "nothing". The man I worship, is so busy cowering at his wifes  feet and kissing her ass that I'm lucky to get an e-mail. A true Dom should be just that, not a part timer. I love him dearly, but can't say that I haven't lost some respect after several months of very restricted contact due to the deception and cowering.


Lemme see here... your fucking a married guy and your pissed off cuz he spends a lot more time with her than you.  Well color me stupid for not being able to figure that out "before" I got involved with a married person.
You made your bed and now you don't like sleeping in it.  Go figure

Getting involved with a married person is always risky.  But then again what's life without risk.

BadOne

< Message edited by SailingBum -- 10/16/2008 2:04:23 PM >

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Slave2Bob)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/16/2008 3:21:34 PM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

quote:

ORIGINAL: IvyMorgan

And, sometimes, we're all a happy bunch of people in a cheery poly relationship of joy.

neah then I have to wait for my turn :P
(just making fun)
Turns?

4 doms, 1 sub...  more like "mad free for all fun fest"

(in reply to JustDarkness)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/16/2008 5:51:50 PM   
Twicehappy2x


Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JumpingJax


I don't think it is always inevitable that every situation will end like this.  Although it's obvious from searching the poly message boards that problems like this do arise, 

It doesn't matter if the Dom you seek is married or single,  


It is not poly if the wife is unaware. Then it is cheating!
 
Dear op, is the wife aware of you? Have you met her? Have you discussed the issues with her?

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to JumpingJax)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/16/2008 6:02:41 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Was going to ask a bunch of questions, but twice beat me to it. 

so I will just suppose away while waiting for the answers.

If you knew he was married, lying to his wife, and cheating, what ON EARTH would make you think he wouldn't treat you with the same disdain as the woman he promised to love until death?

Oh, wait, I'm waiting for the answers...


_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to Twicehappy2x)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/16/2008 6:06:59 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Honesty is the key here.  Being honest with yourself, your partner being honest with you and any spouse involved and an honesty between you all.  You have to start with self and move on from there.  If in the back of your mind, you felt that one day, you would matter more or take her place or that you could handle the situation whatever it was... and these things weren't honest, the problem was with you, not what someone enticed you into, took from you or wanted from you.  If you can't be honest with yourself, it doesn't matter if someone is honest with you or lies to you... your footing is off already.

You have learned something here and will learn more in the days to come.  What you do with that life lesson is up to you.  You can get caught in one or more of many emotions... you can harden yourself... you can stay away from married men or situations like this one without the personal growth and just get jaded or hurt... OR... you can find your calm with time... look at yourself... examine everything... heal and move on without the jaded and hurt.  Whatever stage you are in, in the process of wherever you go with this... just keep moving along and don't get stuck.

You will love again if you let yourself.  You will recover from this, if you let yourself.  It is up to you.  We all go through stupid... we all make mistakes and sometimes we all have had moments or years of lying to ourselves or getting stuck... but there is hope for a better ending.  I hope you find it!

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/16/2008 6:11:20 PM   
spankablemilf


Posts: 57
Joined: 9/26/2008
Status: offline 		Um, I'm sorry Slave2Bob, but your attitude is way off.  Maybe you should communicate with him with a little less passion than you're showing in this message.  He obviously has committments to his wife, so you shouldn't be all up and arms about it.  If you chose to go this route you have to understand that it's not always going to be about you.  You don't know what is going on with his wife/family.  I'd seriously take a chill pill if I were you. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: Slave2Bob

To clarify, I never expected to be his "everything", and was assured that I'd NEVER be his "nothing". The man I worship, is so busy cowering at his wifes  feet and kissing her ass that I'm lucky to get an e-mail. A true Dom should be just that, not a part timer. I love him dearly, but can't say that I haven't lost some respect after several months of very restricted contact due to the deception and cowering.

(in reply to Slave2Bob)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/16/2008 6:28:42 PM   
MistresseLotus


Posts: 443
Joined: 9/19/2008
From: (aka LotusSong)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Slave2Bob

If he won't value you, value yourself. Bite the bullet, and move on. It's never too late, don't waste one more day !


If he didn't honor his wife... what makes you think he'd honor you?  When you look back on it all... what made you think it would be worth it?  You entered into a situation where you would always be last priority to his wife and family. 

_____________________________

I leave it to the 20-somethings to do the "open-minded, total unconditional acceptance thing" for it's how THEY learn that all the things others older than they have deemed BS, are in fact BS. What a waste of a decade.

(in reply to Slave2Bob)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/16/2008 7:39:11 PM   
CruelDesires


Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: housemouse61
Took me years to kick the bad boy habit.  But, when i did i found a happy and lasting relationship with Master.

Peace favor and blessed be,

nikki
Property of Cruel Desires



Liar!

Bad Boy C-D

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to housemouse61)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/16/2008 7:54:28 PM   
goodgirlslave


Posts: 15
Joined: 6/13/2007
Status: offline 		thanks for clarifying CD.  your property's comment left me wondering whether you were the 'bad boy' i imagined.  as for married partners:  i am married, to a vanilla - but we have an open relationship and he supports my kink.  of course he reads all my mail and must approve before i meet someone.  in my search for a Dom or Dom couple, i would prefer someone married, or the equivalent.   i want to be second fiddle, because that is what they will be to me. 

(in reply to CruelDesires)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/16/2008 8:40:26 PM   
housemouse61


Posts: 60
Joined: 6/12/2008
Status: offline 		i'm not a liar and You're not a bad boy...You're just an incorrigible perv.

(in reply to CruelDesires)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/16/2008 9:13:03 PM   
scarlethiney


Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Slave2Bob

To clarify, I never expected to be his "everything", and was assured that I'd NEVER be his "nothing". The man I worship, is so busy cowering at his wifes  feet and kissing her ass that I'm lucky to get an e-mail. A true Dom should be just that, not a part timer. I love him dearly, but can't say that I haven't lost some respect after several months of very restricted contact due to the deception and cowering.


Perhaps the reason he isn't giving you the attention you want is because his marriage comes first. They are married. They made a commitment to each other. I do not condone playing outside ones marriage so I have more sympathy for the wife than you I'm sorry to say. You knew he was married when you decided to get involved with him and I think you assumed that he would divide his time between you and his wife and more often than not you dear will be the one who loses out in this equation.
And yes every one does not agree with  my view of marriage. I have yet to see a relationship where a woman who is involved with a married man ended up happy and healthy. It sounds like from your second post that you were wanting more time than he was willing to give or ,more importance than you feel you received.
Hopefully, you will learn from this painful experience. I wouldn't judge the other woman too harshly she is probably as hurt if not more so than you, he is the one that deserves your disdain.

scarlet



_____________________________

"The words 'I am...' are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you." - A.L. Kitselman.


see my profile masterkspet

(in reply to Slave2Bob)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/17/2008 12:50:04 AM   
greyjay


Posts: 72
Joined: 2/7/2008
From: South Korea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: moonvine

I personally would not relocate across the country (or for that matter around the block) to a man who was not willing to put me first, and if they are married (especially if the marriage includes children) you will NEVER be first.  Of course they have other commitments that come before you!  This isn't limited to the BDSM world.  (It isn't even limited to married people, some people put their jobs before their partners, or their online role play gaming, or whatever). 



True, but divorced men with children are able to make their significant other as important as their children.  I can't tell you how many times I have been rejected by women because of having kids--as if they have to compete for attention or something.  Truly astounding. 

_____________________________

So this guy walks into a bar, and says, "Ouch!"

(in reply to moonvine)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/17/2008 3:48:37 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Life is about living and learning. Part of the living and learning is making stupid mistakes. There is no other route to wisdom.

_____________________________

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also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
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Simply Q

(in reply to Slave2Bob)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/17/2008 4:25:01 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

Life is about living and learning. Part of the living and learning is making stupid mistakes. There is no other route to wisdom.


...and then you die...lol

ofcourse it is true...but when you feel hurt..I guess.the moment you are in right now..is important..not the future....
but it will in a few weeks..

< Message edited by JustDarkness -- 10/17/2008 4:26:15 AM >

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/17/2008 3:50:50 PM   
CuplBoundByLove


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/15/2008
Status: offline 		I cannot say that there is one person alive on this Earth able to say they have never made a mistake, what makes it *stupid* is one's inability to learn from that mistake.  If you truly feel as though your actions were a mistake, then it's up to you whether it is going to be a stupid mistake or not.  Will you learn from it, or will you carry on and forget the lessons that life tried so painfully to teach you?  Yes, then, it would be a stupid mistake.  Otherwise, take it for what it was, learn from it, and move on.  Knowing better next time a similar situation may arise. :) Best of luck!

Angel

(in reply to JustDarkness)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/17/2008 8:38:15 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		If I may.....

I'm sorry that you seem to have had a bad experience with a married dominant.  However, I don't think you should paint all married dominants with the same brush.  I happen to be married and I have a married submissive.  My boy just spent the past ten days with Me.  Both spouses were fully aware of it. 

I  can promise you something.  There's a huge difference between being poly and someone sneaking around on their spouse.  In this poly family, I'd damn well better get called if My sub needs to go to the ER.  It kind of goes along with the whole idea of being My submissive.  Not every married dominant treats their submissives the way you seem to have been.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Slave2Bob)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/17/2008 8:46:52 PM   
VivaciousSub


Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		OP, I too am sorry you had this experience. However, I've lived long enough to know that "always" and "never" are rarely valid judgment calls, and it simply isn't in my realm of experience that relationships with married Dominants are always harbingers of doom. I've met many people happily married who are in open relationships where all parties know all the other players - perhaps Dramatis Personae would be more appropriate, in some cases - and are content with themselves and their relationships.

I wish you best of luck in sorting out what led to this experience and in retaining your new-found and hard-earned wisdom in your next relationship.


_____________________________

9.8m/s^2 + VivaciousSub + ground = ouchx10^9th

To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: On Being Stupid - 10/21/2008 7:03:42 PM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		well hon, you had to suspect way before now and chose to deny it---usually the clues come like glass shards in one's eye--and you stayed--and after all that you still say, I love him dearly?
 
leave the pity party, learn from your lessons and next time, don't sell yourself so cheap-you are entitled to a whole not a half----Dom.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to Slave2Bob)
Profile   Post #: 40
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