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xXLithiumXx -> RE: Inflicting pain vs receiving it (10/15/2008 7:07:36 AM)
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I grew up in an abusive home. My mom was verbally abusive to me, both parents were drunks and drug adicts. And both where psychologically abusive. (yes, Im in thereapy for this now)
When I hit my teen age years, it became harder and harder to deal with them, I had no out. I wasnt allowed to go to friends, hell, to be honest I didnt have any friends. I dont even have that many now, and my social skills suck because of the way I grew up, so when I couldnt deal with it, I got into cuttting.
It gave me the ability to shut down my brain, and the emotions, and deal with the physical, which is much easier to handle, in my mind. As I got older, I realized that when I had kids, those scars were going to be hard to explain, hell, I knew why they were there and I couldnt explain them to myself, so I got into tattoos and peircings. Mt crazy doc says alot of cutters go that route. I have 16 tats, one of them is a three time cover up, and I have had as many as 12 peircings at one time.
Now that I am in my 30's...the need isnt as strong, but its there. Take today for example, fighting with the husband so I want to get something peirced. My lip mainly. Just because I know itll hurt and I know itll piss him off. Kind of a double edged thing.
I think thats part of the reason that I even have the submissive side. I dont really care for the pain, I really dont like it honestly, Im not a masochist, much more of a sadist in reality. But when it comes down to it, every time the flogger hits my skin, I can feel something snap inside of me. I can feel myself letting go of something that is really bugging me. Its like Callista said, its like the world slows down so I can deal with the physical, and my mind has to bubble and slow the emotional. So by the third or fourth lash, Im so far gone in my brain, I dont feel it.
I have a scar over my heart. It came from the last blade play session the hubby and I did. Its about three years old now, and its still very plain. He has nothing but regret for that scar. Wont touch me with a blade again ever he says. Scared him to death. I knew it would cut that deep. I got it from the print shop I worked at. It was used for cutting the plates for the presses. Stronger and thicker than the average razor blade. Sharper because it has to be more detailed in cutting. I knew that it would cut deep. I didnt tell him. I didnt offer that information to him when I handed it to him. But at the time, I was in a state of emotional turmoil that lasted 24/7 for almost a month. I needed that release. And I knew that doing it for myself was going to be bad, because once you start back down that path, I dont think you can pull back from it.
From the dominant aspect, when I am with kittie and I flog her, I go into another place all together. One where I am...as stupid as this may sound...its like Im hyper sensitive...I know when I am pushing, I know when Im not. I know when its too much..and I draw back. But I still get pleasure from being able to strike flesh. Im still getting the satisfaction of being sadistic, and being in control and having the ability to lock everything else out but the sound of that flogger on her skin. Its very gratifying, and when its all said and done, I sit back, with a satisfied cat that got the cream grin, and I smoke a cigarette, and wipe the sweat from my brow, and kiss the top of her melon, wrap her in a blankie and offer her a drink of water. Its almost better than that just got fucked buzz most women get after about 90 screaming orgasms.
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