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RE: Open Relationship quetions. - 10/11/2008 7:55:31 AM

kyraofMists

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We do not approach our relationship as fair or not fair. Our relationship is not a balance sheet that is kept to make sure one does not get more than the other. He has the authority within the relationship and he makes the decisions. His decisions are on what is best for the relationship.

He will develope intimate relationships with others when he wants and Alandra and I are only allowed to have intimate relationships with others when he allows it. For myself, I have no desire or need to have intimate relationships with others. If it was a need for me maintain my well-being, then I trust that he would make sure that need was sastisfied. It would just be satisfied on his terms and not mine; much like all my other needs are met.

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RE: Open Relationship quetions. - 10/11/2008 8:16:10 AM

tsatske

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TY, KOM. I too was getting ready to post again, because I am not terribly happy with the Anti-poly or Anti-particular dynamic this thread is taking.
Many D/s couples have an 'open' Dynamic in wich the Master or Top can search and/or play around, and the sub does not. We have this dynamic, more or less. I do not date or look for other males or other tops - i do not have sex with other males or other tops - I play with other males or other tops only at His instruction, usually for social reasons or for His enjoyment. I do not really have a need to be with other males or other tops, so this works fine for me. (notice that other sub women are purposly left off my 'no' list :) )
However - this is a full on relationship where every attempt is made by Him to be antentive to ALL that I need. I am not in a LDR (the LDR part is not, on it's own, the problem - there are people in wonderful and satisfying LDRs) where He blows through town every now and then, gets laid, and does absolutely nothing to contribute to the rest of my life. Why would I agree to limit the parts of my life that the partner asking me to limit, has zero interest in?

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RE: Open Relationship quetions. - 10/11/2008 8:20:02 AM

Subductrssss

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Back in the late 90's when I got into the BDSM D/s lifestyle the prevalent thought was a Dom can have more than one sub but a sub cannot have more than one Dom ~ this meant both play and sex. Through the early 2000's this seems to have changed a bit.

Me myself say what's good for the gander is good for the goose but then I could never be in that type of relationship as I am a one man woman.

Sincerely,

Marsha

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RE: Open Relationship quetions. - 10/11/2008 8:43:35 AM

beargonewild

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It's my opinion that for an honest open relationship to work, both people need to have the same freedoms and restrictions agreed upon for this to work. Both people need to sit down and work out the minor details which they will abide by. In my circle of friends, I know 3 couples who have been able to make their open relationship work, one couple have been together for 13 years, one have been together for 6 years and another been together for 5 years. What all had to say was jealousy had no place in the relationship and they all understood that they are together because they have a strong bind of love foe each other and all the other one nighters is solely for sex.

My first experience in an open relationship was less then positive. My partner at the time wasn't monogamously oriented and I still was, yet I still entered into the relationship. It wasn't until I gave myself permission to play with others that my partner at the time became really jealous and that was when our relationship started to break down. The person I am seeing now, we do play with others separately and sometimes together. From the very beginning, we were fully honest with each other and the jealousy doesn't enter into the equation. The one thing I endeavor to do is to keep Sir informed of who I am playing with and viceversa. Even though he is my Sir, in this we are equal and it has been working for us in the past 2 years.

eta: One thing I should also mention is Sir also has the power to veto if he feels that I shouldn't meet someone whom he senses isn't okay.

< Message edited by beargonewild -- 10/11/2008 8:45:48 AM >

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RE: Open Relationship quetions. - 10/11/2008 8:56:12 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingaSir

For those of you in open relationships or have had open relationship.

My Dom does not want a "commited" long term relationship in his life right now. He like his freedom to see others. I am okay with this, but my concern is that he doesn't feel that I should be allowed the same respect. I think that if one is allowed to see others, then both should be. I do understand that I am His, and that He of course has control. But feel it's unfair for me to not be allowed to see others, when he can. He and I don't see each other very often, and we only meet for "sexual" encounters, we don't date, or spend time together socially. Am I wrong to think that I should be allowed too see others also? I am honestly and open-mindedly seeking others thoughts, too see if I am missing something in the way I look at it.

If this is what you believe, than this is probably not the relationship for you. Just as you are entitled to your beliefs, so he is entitled to his. He believes that he is entitled to an open relationship, but requires his s-types to focus only on him, and if that's what he wants, and you can't accept that, you need to find a more suitable situation.

BDSM relationships are only rarely what most people would consider 'egalitarian', and the only connotation of "fair" that usually applies is "Is this relationship what I agreed to participate in?" If the answer is "yes", then the agreed-upon requirements are 'fair' even if one person is allowed to do something the other is not.

Calla Firestorm

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RE: Open Relationship quetions. - 10/11/2008 12:06:11 PM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingaSir

For those of you in open relationships or have had open relationship.

My Dom does not want a "commited" long term relationship in his life right now. He like his freedom to see others. I am okay with this, but my concern is that he doesn't feel that I should be allowed the same respect. I think that if one is allowed to see others, then both should be. I do understand that I am His, and that He of course has control. But feel it's unfair for me to not be allowed to see others, when he can. He and I don't see each other very often, and we only meet for "sexual" encounters, we don't date, or spend time together socially. Am I wrong to think that I should be allowed too see others also? I am honestly and open-mindedly seeking others thoughts, too see if I am missing something in the way I look at it.

You've had a lot of good answers here. In a D/s dynamic, my own view is that there is equality within the inequality and inequality within the equality. Part of that is that as long as what has been negotiated for is being followed through on, things ARE fair even if they do not appear to be fair or equal to others outside the relationship. However, if things are not what was negotiated for or if a unilateral decision has been made that steps outside the boundaries of the defined D/s dynamic, then it has become "unfair" in that it is not what was agreed-upon. At that point, you can either re-open discussion and negotiations and strive to have things become what would be fair in your mind. If that does not work for him, then your choice is to stay and quit complaining about fairness or walk away.

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RE: Open Relationship quetions. - 10/12/2008 3:03:55 PM

VivaciousSub

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From: Tampa, FL
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I'm going to go with those who leave "fair" out of it and focus on if both parties are satisfied with the arrangement.

I'm in a situation much like yours but by MY choice. The rules we set from the beginning state that He will not be monogamous to me, and I added my own rule that due to the intimacy of the dynamic, I will be monogamous to Him. It has nothing to do with 'fair' or 'sharing', it has everything to do with both of us getting what makes us happy. The most important rule we set though was "lines of communication will remain open at all times". If it got to the point where I wasn't happy with the arrangement or He wasn't either, we would sit down and discuss.

It sounds like you're fair from satisfied with the status quo, in which case you either need to sort it out with him or bail. He's not mean, bad or using you if you agree to stay. There's no "right" and "wrong" here.

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RE: Open Relationship quetions. - 10/12/2008 10:14:59 PM

bound21

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Joined: 2/9/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

TY, KOM. I too was getting ready to post again, because I am not terribly happy with the Anti-poly or Anti-particular dynamic this thread is taking.
Many D/s couples have an 'open' Dynamic in wich the Master or Top can search and/or play around, and the sub does not. We have this dynamic, more or less. I do not date or look for other males or other tops - i do not have sex with other males or other tops - I play with other males or other tops only at His instruction, usually for social reasons or for His enjoyment. I do not really have a need to be with other males or other tops, so this works fine for me. (notice that other sub women are purposly left off my 'no' list :) )
However - this is a full on relationship where every attempt is made by Him to be antentive to ALL that I need. I am not in a LDR (the LDR part is not, on it's own, the problem - there are people in wonderful and satisfying LDRs) where He blows through town every now and then, gets laid, and does absolutely nothing to contribute to the rest of my life. Why would I agree to limit the parts of my life that the partner asking me to limit, has zero interest in?

i think the relevant part here is "however - this is a full on relationship". i dont think the earlier posts were being Anti-poly they were being Anti bullshit user wanna-be dom.

for me, i say listen to the earlier advice - if he gives you nothing other then occasional play then decide if thats really all you want, all you deserve.

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Post #: 28