NuevaVida
Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008 Status: offline
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Hi Erin, When my Dad became ill, we were all really concerned that he wasn't "doing what he should be doing" to take care of himself. Suddenly he had to stop eating all the foods he loved, and had to behave in ways that were really foreign to him, which he just didn't like. And everyone got on his case for it. Because we loved him, of course, and wanted to keep him around longer. We were selfish. He finally told me, the old familiar phrase (to me, anyway, although I had forgotten), "I want to add life to my years, not years to my life." And then he added, "If I have to live miserably just so I can live longer, I'll pass, thank you." I got that. And it was painful to watch him deteriorate while ingesting things that promoted his demise. But he was smiling and as content as he could be, rather than frustrated and grumpy and resentful of the disease, of us, of his life. I think it's a mindset we often forget, as the ones who love them and are stuck watching them be unhealthy. It scares and saddens us because we want them to be around longer. We want them here for our benefit. We aren't ready to let go of them yet. But is it really fair to them? Are we really doing them a service by suddenly treating them like patients, or like children, or by depriving them of what they have enjoyed in life? My former Master is diabetic, and didn't take very good care of himself. I'd watch him eat things like pasta, and cornbread, and big fat rueben sandwiches...and have dessert. But he's all grown up, and is capable of making his own choices, otherwise, why would I be submitting to him? The way I dealt with it was to simply tell him it scared me, because I felt that any day could - poof - be his last, and I was constantly living with worry about that. I also once (and only once!) told him that he once told me, "If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things a lot differently" and I asked him, Since now he DOES know...why isn't he doing anything differently? I have to agree with the others here, who have said they would not force or push or manipulate their dominants to do anything the dominants didn't want to do. There is a whole psychological mindset behind being ill, and we don't know how or why people handle their illnesses as they do, because we're not them. If we love them, we can express our concern and then support them (or try to as well as we can) in their decisions. Once we start taking those decisions away from them (or try to), we stop being what they loved about us in the first place - submissive to them. Interesting thread, Erin. I'm glad you wrote it.
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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.
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