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I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 7:10:24 PM   
Irishknight


Posts: 2016
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		I was finally able to locate one of my old school friends.  This guy was like my brother for mostof my time growing up.  We were in cub scouts together, played together in band, sang together in choir and shared each other's homes and parents during the summers.  We even looked similar enough that people always mistook us for brothers. 
Anyway, as I said, I finally located him just two weeks ago.  I could not get in touch with him but was able to contact his wife.  The reason he hasn't answered any emails is that he has stage 4 colon cancer.  
I am amazed at how much this has shaken me up.  It was my own battle with illness that started me looking for my old friends.  I guess I still have a heart under all this armor after all. 
I want to let him know that I'm here for him but I'm afraid I'll upset him if I say it the wrong way.  I know that I couldn't stand people worrying and fretting over me when I was sick.  It made me sad that they were upset over me.
Any advice from anyone else who's been through something similar would be appreciated.
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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 7:13:00 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*hugs IK*  prayers for your friend and all who know and love him

Is it possible to speak with him? I'd go with reminiscing.  To me that helps remind him of good things when he's feeling bad, and (to me) would be letting him know that you're there, as you always were when you were kids, without having to SAY it

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 7:16:20 PM   
Rule


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Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Simply tell your story and tell him that you care and are deeply shaken.
 
I remember being told that a girl in my old class that I had been attracted to had died from cancer. That caused me a lot of turmoil, even though I had not seen her for thirty years and the closest I had ever been to her was but a single dance.

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 7:16:49 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Just say it like you said it here.  I don't wish to intrude, but I care and am here if you should ever need.  When someone gets sick, one of the biggest complaints I have heard is that friends walk away because they don't know what to say... are afraid to see it and sometimes admit it could happen to them.  There can be some lonely days there.  It isn't always a matter of wanting and needing attention or people to fawn over you.  You are a person not an illness and you have the same needs you always had before.  Letting someone know you care and not out of pity is a wonderful blessing.

Many will let it pass not knowing what to do and then their friend passes on and they feel guilty that they never told them they cared.  There is never anything wrong is saying I love you and everything good in doing so.

I wish you all well!

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 7:17:13 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
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From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		http://coloncancer.about.com/od/stagesandsurvivalrate1/a/Stage4ColonCanc.htm    ...it looks bleak

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 7:18:45 PM   
cuddlesandabuse


Posts: 11
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		Why not use your illness, Talk to him, or write to him describing your scare and how it drove you to reach out and find him, talk about others you found he might remember.

Yes serious health concerns are very hard to talk about, so try being the needy one, in a way he cold help you, maybe he remembers so and so and knows where they are?

I feel better, if there is nothing that can be done, to distract myself, and pity never works so I would try being honest, honest about yourself and honest about why your reaching out, selfish motives might be a good move here, better then get well platitudes

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 7:25:43 PM   
Sanity


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At that time of a person's life, you would think that what someone would need most is a distraction from what they're going through, and what lies ahead. In any event, what's the worst that could happen? I seriously doubt that any resentment over an awkward expression of solidarity could grow or linger in someone's mind who is in that situation... and in the end, you'll likely only regret the things that were never said.


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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 7:30:20 PM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		my best friend is dying. She has been my touchstone for almost 20 yrs and there will never ever be another person on the planet who will be as close to me as she has been since the first day we met.

i know im a girl and we share more. But i honestly dont know what to tell you except that if there are things from your heart that you need to tell this man....then please tell him. Dont make it dramatic, and hide it in a bunch of sports references if you need to...but he needs to hear what you have to say and you will never forgive yourself if you dont tell him before hes gone.

Even if its just that you are shaken and that he will be missed from an unexpected and long lost corner of the world...(you). Even that much will mean more to him than a usesless action or a blanket statement like "if there is anything you need...."

And no matter what, you will have expressed an important idea to him.

im sorry for your bad news and i hope that all else is well.

perse

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 7:39:12 PM   
MadAxeman


Posts: 4171
Joined: 8/28/2008
From: UK
Status: offline 		All good sentiments. I like GT's and Persephonee's take on it. Get a lighthearted message to him (face to face is better) and leave your number or email with him. Tough hairy guys like us are crap at this sort of thing, but I guarantee there are moments for him when the words of an old friend would carry great weight. Do it, be there.

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 7:39:40 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*hugs Pers*

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 7:52:22 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Hello IK,
 
I suggest taking some time to compose yourself and write down what you would like to say.  That will help you get a handle on your own emotional reactions. 
 
Seeing him in person would be the best if possible.  How far away does he live from you now?

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 7:52:32 PM   
MadAxeman


Posts: 4171
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From: UK
Status: offline 		Yes, commiserations to you too Persephonee. This is a sobering thread, we all have much to be grateful for.

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 7:54:51 PM   
Marc2b


Posts: 6660
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline 		As someone who has lost a friend to cancer I can say I learned many things from the experience. The two most important – be completely honest, and cherish every moment you can have with them.

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 9:44:54 PM   
kinkbound


Posts: 387
Joined: 9/15/2007
Status: offline 		Lots of good advice here already.

If I were in your shoes, also having had your own recent health experience, here's what I'd be inclined to do:

After greeting your friend and acknowledging his illness, I would disclose your recent health issue and how you related to other people at that time. I would then ask your friend if he thinks your behavior during your illness was unique, or common.

My guess is that the conversation should unfold quite naturally from that point, as his response should guide you.

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/8/2008 10:56:20 PM   
rexrgisformidoni


Posts: 578
Joined: 9/20/2008
Status: offline 		Tell him how you feel. and draw a picture. 

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/9/2008 3:10:08 AM   
tweedydaddy


Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Get round to his house with a lot of whatever you used to drink with him and just drink it, He's still the same guy, there is no need to be sad, we are all on the same journey, we just get off at different stops. Don't wait.
I have lost many friends through health issues, don't spend forever recriminating yourself for not going round. Go and see him, then you can hold your head up and look yourself in the eye in the mirror.

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/9/2008 3:21:28 AM   
seeksfemslave


Posts: 4011
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline 		My guess is the best way to handle this is to offer friendship/what help you can without putting any emphasis on his condition unless he leads you down that road.

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/9/2008 3:28:18 AM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		Hey Irish, I wouldn't worry about it.  I'd just go see him.  You might not get another chance, and I assure you he appreciates it.  If y'all were that good of friends, that friendship doesn't go away.  I'll bet you that you can get him to smile by remembering old times.  I saw my best friend from high school last year.  He and I hadn't talked for 6 years.  He had went through a lot of crap due to a drug addiction.  It's why we stopped talking.  I regretted that.  I should have been there for him, but I couldn't stand to watch him desinigrate into that life.  He moved to Houston and almost died in an overdose.  But, he managed to clean himself up, and we went out and had dinner.  It was great; I haven't laughed like that in a long time.  I don't think he had either.  I feel lucky that we got that chance.  He could have easily died, and I would have regretted it the rest of my life.  I'll never do that again.  Real friends are rare, and we don't get too many of them.  You should talk to him. 

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/9/2008 3:31:22 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with what others have said. At times like this all the stupid things we worry about  just don't matter. It will probably make happy to hear from you. 

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RE: I could use a bit of advice - 10/9/2008 3:38:46 AM   
SoulPiercer


Posts: 374
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline 		Hey IK,

I'd go and see him. He'll know why you're there, if he wants to talk about it, he'll bring it up. If you have them, take lots of pictures from when you were kids. Do what you can to make him smile, without forcing it.


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