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Is it really possible? - 10/7/2008 9:40:42 PM   
keiosu


Posts: 7
Joined: 10/5/2008
Status: offline 		Is it possible to have a non-sexual, Dom-Sub relationship? I realize that most of them are sexually based, but that's not an option open to me, and I'm left wanting more within the relationship I have. I'm unable to convince him that under the right circumstances pain and a lack of control is a very very good thing. He's enjoyed it the times I've gotten him to indulge, but those a far too few for me. I need a Dom, or advice on how to approach this subject with him, to try to get my needs in this area met.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Is it really possible? - 10/7/2008 10:22:56 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		There are people that are service slaves or subs that do not have any sexual component to them. There are dominants looking for non sexual service oriented slaves. I would mention that in your profile and look for dominants with this interest.

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RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 7:26:07 AM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		It would not be possible with me. Essentially, the dominance is intricately bound up with the sexuality. My intense erotic creativity seeps away after the orgasm, leaving a relaxed but now hilarious looking sub still bound by the bedside, smiling, but essentially to be unbound at once!

For details, see my post General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Is it just me or do we all lose our erotic creativity after orgasm?

PS: The sudden and precipitous loss of BDSM'asmic creativity after orgasm is why I always ensure her orgasm first and foremost; then mine.

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
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RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 7:42:58 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: keiosu

Is it possible to have a non-sexual, Dom-Sub relationship?


Short answer... yes.  They're not as common, but far from unheard of.
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to keiosu)
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RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 8:13:41 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
~ Fast Reply ~
 
This has the potential of going all over the board, but then again, you ask a complicated question. The quick answer is that everything is "possible". What makes it appear impossible is incompatible desires or goals. Compromising only works in the short term. Long term, somebody is going to be singing; "Is that all there is?"

Fundamentally, WIITWD, or sessions, or play, whatever it is you want to call it, are sensations. Whether they are sexual or not becomes a matter of how those sensations are 'processed' mentally and emotionally by the individuals involved and the physical result of that process. Speaking for us, its ALL sexual. Even the non sensation aspects. The 24/7 rules, the collar, the clothing, or lack of; are foreplay.

I've asked some of those that represent that it is not sexual - what then is it? The most common answer equates the activity to a 'work-out'. The physical sensations are processed for them like a mental/emotional 'high colonic'. The first time I ever encountered that was playing in some clubs in NYC. The 'power-lunching' executives of both genders would frequently come in, strip, and seek someone, anyone, to beat their ass bloody. Afterward, with no other contact or interaction - they'd leave.

From my perspective the difference between those two processes is the depth of the relationship, or the interaction. There is no representation of one being better or worse than the other. In fact I don't think any agreed upon interaction can ever be 'bad'. Problems arise only when one party wants or expects pure sensation to be end goal, while the other party considers the sensation not a goal, but a path to a goal of sexual intimacy.

Which brings up a key factor - intimacy. I'm intimate with my play. Not all of it leads to sex although I consider all of it sexual. My goal going in is to generate sexual tension though sensation. Being a sadist that sensation most often generates pain. My desire is for a partner who processes painful sensation into sexual desire. That doesn't match up with someone seeking the equivalent of a purging gym workout. 

The question this generates for me to someone saying that their BDSM play isn't sexual would be - Is it intimate?
quote:

how to approach this subject with him, to try to get my needs in this area met.

You know the answer. Sit down - ask him what are his relationship goals, tell him yours. It's not the end of the world, or even the end of your association with each other if the goals don't match or aren't compatible. But the result is knowledge, understanding each other better, understanding yourself a little better; all good things. The only thing to be careful about is making sure any agreed compromise doesn't compromise who you are. Maybe this experience is a stepping stone to your 'ideal'. There is a 'one' for all of us, but in the meantime - you can and should have as much FUN as you can. 

Good luck!

(in reply to pompeii)
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RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 8:20:12 AM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: keiosu

Is it possible to have a non-sexual, Dom-Sub relationship? I realize that most of them are sexually based, but that's not an option open to me, and I'm left wanting more within the relationship I have. I'm unable to convince him that under the right circumstances pain and a lack of control is a very very good thing. He's enjoyed it the times I've gotten him to indulge, but those a far too few for me. I need a Dom, or advice on how to approach this subject with him, to try to get my needs in this area met.



Yes it is, a lot of D/s couples don't see sex as the "be all and end all".

(in reply to keiosu)
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RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 9:27:34 AM   
dangerousangel


Posts: 31
Joined: 6/12/2008
Status: offline 		It wouldn't be possible for me.

I could have an ownership relationship without the sex act, or PIV/PIA penetration, but not without a sexual element or sexual dyanmic. This is because for me, service, pain and the trappings of service -are- sexualized. It gives me a sexual charge to offer many kinds of service, under an Owner's direction, and just about all kinds of S&M play are sexually exciting for me. I have trouble understading totally non-sexual relationships, because even acts that are asexual have a sexual aspect for me.

I'm wired such that my sexual orientation is centered around the power dynamic itself, more than gender or some componant of the Partner. (I mean, I'm attracted to people based on their characteristics, but the draw in relationships is the power structure and the ability to submit to his hand.) As such, I can't imagine a D/s relationship without a sexual element, simply because I will bring it, like or no.

When people say "non sexual BDSM" how do they define it? As BDSM without the sex act? Without sexual arousal?

< Message edited by dangerousangel -- 10/8/2008 9:28:54 AM >

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RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 9:30:33 AM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: keiosu

Is it possible to have a non-sexual, Dom-Sub relationship?

It is absolutely possible. I have had a few very successful ones. HOWEVER the Dominant has to enjoy them, not just teh submissive need them. It doesnt seem that the one you are with is interested. Without that interest, they cannot work.

DV


_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss



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RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 9:33:00 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline
quote:

There are people that are service slaves or subs that do not have any sexual component to them.


usually this is because the sub has a usefull skill like yard work.  often times this type of relationship is based only on that.  with no reward to the sub.  just the sub being happy for what they are doing as in feeling useful for someone.  which is good.  but for me that isnt good enough.  so its really free labor for the dom.

there are actual cases but very rare of a service sub actually being in a relationship as well with the dom.  but too rare for those of us who can not offer sex.  we are people first and should be loved for who we are and not our parts.  but as we know most bdsm have to have the sex or there is nothing.




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RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 9:34:07 AM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: keiosu

Is it possible to have a non-sexual, Dom-Sub relationship? I realize that most of them are sexually based, but that's not an option open to me, and I'm left wanting more within the relationship I have. I'm unable to convince him that under the right circumstances pain and a lack of control is a very very good thing. He's enjoyed it the times I've gotten him to indulge, but those a far too few for me. I need a Dom, or advice on how to approach this subject with him, to try to get my needs in this area met.


It is absolutely possible to have D/s without sex.  Just make sure that you are completely honest with yourself and your partner/s about what you want, what is ok, and what is completely off limits and that you stick to it.


_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to keiosu)
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RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 9:36:46 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		My relationship with our servants (the ones who provide service to us) and my bottoms (the ones I do blood/piercing play with) is completely non-sexual, so it -is- possible. It limits the pool of dominants that will consider you and which you'll be able to consider, but it isn't outrageous.

It also requires a discussion of how you will handle the intense responses that can come out of the relationship. I am a (female) priest in an order that taught how to process pain/energy/power in an aescetic fashion, allowing the power to turn inwards and shape 'self' in profound ways... but that energy has to go -somewhere-, and if you're not going to be channeling the release sexually, you will have to figure out how all that energy is going to be used, or you will find yourself frustrated and irritable in a short time should you happen to find a d-type who is very effective in evoking a power-response in you.

Calla Firestorm

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 10/8/2008 9:41:50 AM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to keiosu)
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RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 9:41:06 AM   
Slavelary


Posts: 54
Joined: 7/28/2008
Status: offline 		Well my first relationship that was straight-on Dom-sub (although I previously had a switch relationship) was without sex.  That was mainly because my Master was straight, and anyways He couldn't really have sex for some health reason I forgot.  I guess His theory was He was going to train me and help me find a gay Master.  Of course I now have a new Master and we do have sex.

I guess it depends on the Master's tastes and what His aims are.  I've no regrets -- it was fun even without the sex anyways...

(in reply to keiosu)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 9:50:47 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: keiosu

Is it possible to have a non-sexual, Dom-Sub relationship?
You have your answer to this.  From your profile, it is because you are married and do not wish this type of relationship with a dom?
I realize that most of them are sexually based, but that's not an option open to me, and I'm left wanting more within the relationship I have. I'm unable to convince him that under the right circumstances pain and a lack of control is a very very good thing.
Lack of control is a very very good thing? 

Then this means
He's enjoyed it the times I've gotten him to indulge, but those a far too few for me. I need a Dom, or advice on how to approach this subject with him, to try to get my needs in this area met.


You want your needs met. What are his needs?  Is he a dominant type male?  Does he seek to "inflict pain"...what is the pain for?  Your arousal?  If this does nothing for him then he cannot give you what you want/need.  He would be doing it for you and then what?
 
You want what you want.
Why not try being the submissive wife.  There are books out there. 
Instead of telling him what you want and need, share those needs with him, explain them to him, read the books together.
 
I am gonna get flack for this...but I will say it.
My Dom is a dom, pure and simple.  When the ex tried to run his life, his work, his passions.... after they were married...he took it only for so long and then got the Divorce.  She still attempts to pit his grown kids against him and he will have nothing to do with it.  She has not spoken to him but attempted to do so through the daughter.  He will have nothing to do with it.  When the son choose to live with his father, she was very angry and has not spoken to him in 6 years.  THAT IS CONTROL.

My Sir says most women even if submissive eventually try to control parts of the partnership/relationship.  He has loosed several submissives for this.

If your husband is not a dom...and you control things now.... how will he learn?  Several of John Waren's books Gloria B's (spelling eludes me)can be read together.
 
Be a submissive now and together learn what you must for your needs, but KNOW what his needs and wants are..... that is being submissive to him.

(in reply to keiosu)
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RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 10:03:35 AM   
AMaster


Posts: 814
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline 		BDSM is not always about sex.  Yes, it is possible to have a D/s relationship without sex. 

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 1:39:10 PM   
MrHarsh


Posts: 56
Joined: 9/28/2008
Status: offline 		A D/s relationship does not exist without some level of intimacy - that intimacy does not need to be sexual.  The problem is maintaining that level of intimacy with and not becoming sexual. Will all parties be satisfied without a sexual relationship?

The biggest hurdle I see is when you enter such a relationship, but your partner has sexual relationships with others.  Will you be able to control your jealousy?  How will you cope with your partner being intimate with another person in ways that you are not?

Could it be done? Possibly.  But it sounds like it would be very difficult and precarious.


(in reply to AMaster)
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RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 1:56:40 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: keiosu

Is it possible to have a non-sexual, Dom-Sub relationship? I realize that most of them are sexually based, but that's not an option open to me, and I'm left wanting more within the relationship I have. I'm unable to convince him that under the right circumstances pain and a lack of control is a very very good thing. He's enjoyed it the times I've gotten him to indulge, but those a far too few for me. I need a Dom, or advice on how to approach this subject with him, to try to get my needs in this area met.


What's wrong with this picture.  I have this crazy notion that the sub is supposed to serve the dom.  Not to convince the dom in the error of his ways!

Yes is the answer.  How likely will it happen ...slim

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 2:42:38 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I go by what Faery posted. Almost all my experience has been service-based, mainly due to my domestic, office and organizational skills. I've never had per se a sexual relationship.

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RE: Is it really possible? - 10/8/2008 2:52:41 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Of course it is possible. It isomething I've always been open to, the specifics would depend on the person and their gender.

Unfortunately it is rare, at least in my experience. At least within my own specifics.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Is it really possible? - 10/9/2008 9:08:27 AM   
keiosu


Posts: 7
Joined: 10/5/2008
Status: offline 		"...I was naked before him, whipped by him, disciplined by him, but it wasn't sexual in any way, shape or form..."

This was posted on the follow-up to non sexual BDSM thread, and it's exactly what I'm looking for.
It seems like the general consensus is that I should just put that in my profile, and see what i come up with.
And yes, it's because I'm married that sex isn't an option for me.

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Is it really possible? - 10/9/2008 9:51:29 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		What about public venues? If there's a dungeon, play party near you why not go there? Most places don't allow sex, you can just ask somebody to top you, and there won't be any heavy emotional component that might interfere in your marriage. If your husband is unsure, ask him to come with you to oversee negotiations, and to do the aftercare and drive you safely home.

Besides, seeing your euphoria afterward might make him willing to service top you sometimes.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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