Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Feeling out of control......


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Feeling out of control...... Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 9:06:13 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		 
When i submitted to Sir i handed over control of me to him. There are certain aspects of my life Sir controls and there are certain aspects i control myself. Either way both of us have an element of control over my life. Those areas he controls i still have to have the self control to follow his control. Those areas i am left to control i still have a duty to behave, act in a manner befitting to Sir. In either area if i am unsure i can ask for his guidance.


However sometimes situations arise which neither person can control. For example both Sir and i have been extremely busy with work recently and have not been able to see each other for nearly three weeks. We live about two hours apart, he is in the army and i run a pub. Both pretty much 24/7 demanding jobs at times. Neither one of us can control our chosen careers controlling us at times.


I'm fairly sure we are both feeling pretty much out of control with this at the moment. Sir reacted by apologising and stating that although he does not want to lose me he feels i may need someone who can devote more time to me than he can at present. I reacted by saying we would get through this ok, it was just one of those things that won't last forever. Inside though i was really struggling with the lack of contact and countless times over the past few weeks have considered asking for release / releasing myself.


I thought it was just a case of not being ready to handle such things in a relationship,it being too hard! I had been emotionally unavailable for a few years up until meeting Sir. However deeper thought about this made me realise it was actually the feeling of being out of control that had me shaken up.


In turn it got me to thinking about a lifestyle where we talk about, exert, give over control so often.


I have to wonder for a D type is the feeling of not being in control of a situation worse than for your average joe? How do you deal with being out of control? In an area where you control both yourself and your s type what do you do when you feel / are out of control?


For s types how do you deal with feeling out of control? Is it easier because your D type has ultimate control? When things are out of yours and your D types control what do you do? Do you (as i did by thinking of asking him for release) look for a way to give your D type some control of the situation back?


* Just as a side note the situation i used was only an example. It's not an issue now, we both have our control back by choosing to hang in there.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 9:16:39 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I don't know if my feeling out of control is proportionally greater or lesser than another person. Sometimes it feels that way, sometimes it doesn't.

I do try to arrange most everything in my life in a manner which will afford me a greater spectrum of control for what I seek. Even in situations where one's job is a source of the feeling of "loss of control", that very role was chosen by the individual. I wouldn't personally consider that a lack of control...but a process of decisions on my part that led to a situation in which I did not have as much control as I would have wished.

So, control, to me, is more an understanding of the dynamics (social, financial) in my life; an understanding that should lead me to make choices most in line towards reaching whatever goal(s) I want. There are certain things that are always out of our 'control'...but among those are things which we can directly influence in our favor in order to reap the best possible fruit.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 9:19:21 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation


Either way both of us have an element of control over my life. Those areas he controls i still have to have the self control to follow his control. Those areas i am left to control i still have a duty to behave, act in a manner befitting to Sir.

 
Bravo!!!  Bears repeating.

quote:
I'm fairly sure we are both feeling pretty much out of control with this at the moment. Sir reacted by apologising and stating that although he does not want to lose me he feels i may need someone who can devote more time to me than he can at present. I reacted by saying we would get through this ok, it was just one of those things that won't last forever. Inside though i was really struggling with the lack of contact and countless times over the past few weeks have considered asking for release / releasing myself.


Sometimes life sucks.  But I'm fond of saying that if the rules of the game don't work for you, then change the rules.  In other words, perhaps life doesn't allow you to feel (or him to express) his control over you in the manner in which you have both become accustomed.  Then change the rules... find other ways in which he can express his control.  I travel often, so believe me... I know they exist.

quote:


I have to wonder for a D type is the feeling of not being in control of a situation worse than for your average joe?

 
I dunno... no one has ever accused me of being an average Joe.  But I can say that it sucks not being able to exert control, and it causes me to find different ways in which that control can be re-established.
 
quote:
How do you deal with being out of control?

 
Assuming that the objective is mutual, I find ways to re-establish that control. 
 
quote:
In an area where you control both yourself and your s type what do you do when you feel / are out of control?

 
I hate to be redundant, but I find ways to re-establish that control.  And it doesn't matter what has worked for me... I'm not you.  You have to work (together) to find what works in your relationship.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 9:28:58 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		While I know without a doubt there is a good deal of stuff in life I have zero control over, I do know that I can control how I allow it to affect me.

Personally, I think the best and most positive control is accepting what you cannot. Then, learning how to function my best within those parameters.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 9:31:28 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

While I know without a doubt there is a good deal of stuff in life I have zero control over, I do know that I can control how I allow it to affect me.

Personally, I think the best and most positive control is accepting what you cannot. Then, learning how to function my best within those parameters.



Thinks this bears repeating as well. Too often all of us humans beat our heads against the wall trying to change something that we can't control instead of changing the one thing that we actually can control, which is our own reactions.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 9:38:55 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		That's why it's not about control, it's about authority.  It's about how to deal with things as they come, not defining the reality of everything in existence, but how you respond to it as it is.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 11:08:24 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

While I know without a doubt there is a good deal of stuff in life I have zero control over, I do know that I can control how I allow it to affect me.


There by regaining some control over the situation? That's how i feel anyway.
 
quote:

That's why it's not about control, it's about authority.

Control is still a part of it. You can't hold a position of authority without control, so therefore it must be in some part about control.



_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 11:13:33 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		For me personally I feel more in control of the basic life stuff when I am under someone elses control, this may sound weird but I feel more able to deal with dramas when that part of my life is sorted when I know I can trust his view on it and know that ill be supported though any spontanious wigging out that I am having to do. Without quite vigerous control ina  relationship i feel I have very little control anywhere else and i can end up down a rather deep well.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 11:16:36 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

For me personally I feel more in control of the basic life stuff when I am under someone elses control, this may sound weird but I feel more able to deal with dramas when that part of my life is sorted when I know I can trust his view on it and know that ill be supported though any spontanious wigging out that I am having to do. Without quite vigerous control ina  relationship i feel I have very little control anywhere else and i can end up down a rather deep well.


Snap lol.
Have to say you have good taste in who you submit to too

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 11:17:51 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Phew glad someone agrees I thought I may sound a bit feeble lol. hehe well I certianly think so ;)

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 11:41:03 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hello missturbation
I like your new picture by the way.
Life circumstances have been out of my control for many months, as well as Sir's. With my Mom needing to have me close by, we have not been able to visit often. As far as me going to his place, it has almost been non-existent for almost 4 months. He lives an hour from me, but with his work schedule he has not been able to come visit, except once a month or so. Last i saw him was 6 weeks ago, and it is very difficult. This weekend though i can go to his place for a couple days:). It has been tough on him too, since i not there to serve him.  We both found ways to get through this period. He got back into doing a lot of study and remolding of his house. Me i just worked from my home all hours of the day and worked on my book. Did i get frustrated, you bet.! Sometimes i thought i would emotionally loose it, and discovered neediness creeping in me. It was through this period that that i also discovered how to release my neediness. This period became a major growth cycle for me.
Hope this helped somewhat. Best of luck to you.
oceanwynds

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 11:54:09 AM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

For s types how do you deal with feeling out of control? Is it easier because your D type has ultimate control? When things are out of yours and your D types control what do you do? Do you (as i did by thinking of asking him for release) look for a way to give your D type some control of the situation back?


The first question is easiest... feeling out of control sucks.  I either look for ways to reestablish control, or if that is not possible, adjust my own actions and reactions to minimize how the lack of control affects me.

I'll clarify that for me, though, I don't view Firm as having control of me.  He has authority, but that isn't the same as control.  Because I view myself as always having ultimate control over myself, my actions and reactions, I can't say that I find it any easier to experience feeling out of control.  In fact, I'd say it really makes it harder because I am responsible for taking the action (or not, as the case may be) that either caused the loss of control or caused me to be in a situation wherein I had no control.

Some might wonder how that works in a D/s relationship... if the dominant is making the decisions, then the decisions (and results of the decisions) are outside of the submissive's control.  True.  However, I had control of whether I submitted to Firm's authority in the first place, and I have control over whether I continue to submit to his authority.  There are really only two choices when it comes to being out of control... you either change it, or find a way to live with it.

Finally, while I don't think of it as trying to find a way to give back control of a situation to Firm (to me that seems like assuming that I somehow have control over him), I am just as protective of his control as I am of my own.  If I am able, I will work hard or take steps that offer him the opportunity to reestablish control if he so desires.  In the end, though, he's ultimately in control of his own actions and reactions, as well.

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 3:23:38 PM   
natasha66


Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline 		So much in life is out of our control, BUT as has been said, the one thing we can control is our reactions to it, whatever the situation may be.  The more I fight things, the more miserable I grow.  Once I can accept a situation for what it is, good or bad, I'm generally okay.

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.



(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 3:27:41 PM   
NumberSix


Posts: 1378
Joined: 12/30/2006
Status: offline 		Two threads neck and neck.

feeling inadequate
feeling out of control

they are; after all, aught but feelings.

6 

_____________________________

"Who are you?"
"The new Number Two."
"Who is Number One?"
"You are Number Six.".
"I am not a number — I am a free man!"

Be seeing you...

(in reply to natasha66)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 3:52:10 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation



However sometimes situations arise which neither person can control. For example both Sir and i have been extremely busy with work recently and have not been able to see each other for nearly three weeks. We live about two hours apart, he is in the army and i run a pub. Both pretty much 24/7 demanding jobs at times. Neither one of us can control our chosen careers controlling us at times.


I'm fairly sure we are both feeling pretty much out of control with this at the moment. Sir reacted by apologising and stating that although he does not want to lose me he feels i may need someone who can devote more time to me than he can at present. I reacted by saying we would get through this ok, it was just one of those things that won't last forever. Inside though i was really struggling with the lack of contact and countless times over the past few weeks have considered asking for release / releasing myself.


I thought it was just a case of not being ready to handle such things in a relationship,it being too hard! I had been emotionally unavailable for a few years up until meeting Sir. However deeper thought about this made me realise it was actually the feeling of being out of control that had me shaken up.


I have to wonder for a D type is the feeling of not being in control of a situation worse than for your average joe?



Why is it that some ppl think that cuz you into kink that somehow life issues  has a different set of rules than the "average joe"  ???  Kink is only a aspect not the main event in life. 

OP is appears that your whining cuz real life is getting in the way of fucking and frolicking it happens to most "average joes".   I hate to break it to you but your a "average joe"  Welcome to the real world.

BadOne 

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 6:58:01 PM   
sistermargaret


Posts: 101
Joined: 8/8/2008
Status: offline 		The timing of this post is amazing. Thank you for defining what W/we've been going thru, and will suffer for another few months .. or more. It totally sucks because it is a very new relationship and W/we are still getting to know each other. And it is especially hard on me because i'm new to being submissive, so i'm learning two roads at once ... the subbie way and His Way.
The responses help a lot. i read every one :) 
When i first joined CM i asked for advise regarding long distance relationships and the advise i got was excellent. Endure. Just endure. Not just in a passive way, but proactively endure. By that i mean stay in contact, talk, write, text, communicate and carry on in all the other ways available. It's really all any person can do.
Endure.
sm
 
All it takes is absolute surrender

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 8:10:10 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He instituted tiered rules when we were ldr because of this. I couldn't always talk to him and decisions had to be made. The rules were never do this, not that. It was to choose the option that would most likely have me feel safer or be safer. Or choose the option that would be less stressful.

He couldn't mandate specific choices when he didn't know what was going on, but he gave me clear objectives and I was to make my decision based on the objectives. So if he had given me a specific task and forgotten something about my schedule, I didn't have any worry about doing what he said knowing it would lead to a bad result, I was to do what best led to the goal. And send lots of emails telling him about it which allowed him to feel back in the loop later.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to sistermargaret)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/3/2008 10:57:49 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
Control is still a part of it. You can't hold a position of authority without control, so therefore it must be in some part about control.

You can't reasonably hold any commitment or expectation without some measure of control.  But that's irrelevant to it being a Ds type dynamic.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/4/2008 3:19:23 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

This period became a major growth cycle for me.
Hope this helped somewhat. Best of luck to you.
oceanwynds


Me too. As bad as this may sound, it is nice to hear others go through the same crap as me
 
quote:

Why is it that some ppl think that because, cos, coz  you're into kink that somehow life issues  have a different set of rules than the "average joe"  ???  Kink is only an aspect not the main event in life. 

 
Because we do have a set of different rules to the average joe? And actually i live a D/s lifestyle so to me it is the main event in life, it's how i live.
 
quote:

OP it appears that your whining because, cos, coz  real life is getting in the way of fucking and frolicking. It happens to most "average joes".   I hate to break it to you but you're an "average joe".  Welcome to the real world.


Sorry where did i whine? Where did i even look for advice or sympathy etc about my situation. Was it in this part where i clarify my experience was only an example and that we are hanging in there?
 
quote:

* Just as a side note the situation i used was only an example. It's not an issue now, we both have our control back by choosing to hang in there.


Or was it where i beg for some help in this, seek advice?
Oh no i didn't do that, i asked questions about how others feel and cope when out of control.
 
As for fucking and frolicking well my life isn't all about that either. That might be your style of D/s but it sure aint mine.
 
I won't apologise for using the term 'average joe'. Omg i labelled people, shame on me . It was however only used to refer to those outside D/s, bdsm etc. As for me being an 'average joe', well how the fuck would you know what i am?
 
I'm thinking someone pissed in your cheerios prior to reading this thread. Oh and if you're going to rant at me, rant at me in sentences that make sense. 
 
Sister Margaret, glad to be of service lol. Seriously though i agree with what you have posted. Endure and make the best of the situation, all we can do.
 
quote:

You can't reasonably hold any commitment or expectation without some measure of control.  But that's irrelevant to it being a Ds type dynamic.

Sorry LA i'm not being obtuse here. Possibly a bit blonde though lol.
Can you explain why it is irrelevant please?




< Message edited by missturbation -- 10/4/2008 3:25:42 AM >

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to oceanwynds)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Feeling out of control...... - 10/7/2008 8:04:31 AM   
Morniel


Posts: 60
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline 		Ooookay.... so life handed you two a couple of lemons, and instead of making lemonade, or even sticking them in the frige, you're going to throw them, and your life together, in the garbage.

What the hell?  So you're separated by career concerns, this means now your relationship is over?  Neither one of you has the balls to be patient, work through a less than perfect year, and strengthen your commitment -- Instead you're going to take your wedding rings off and toss them down the shitter.

Well done, fits right in with the lazy, me first, instant gratification mindset of current western society.  Gods forbid you should accept the fact that stuff happens, you can work through it, and keep on.   Far easier to break up!

Grow up.  Both of you.  If you care about each other as much as you claim to, then a mere separation shouldn't tear up your relationship.

As to being apart like that? I know where I'm coming from.  Soltic and I do not always share a common household because -- hey you guessed it! -- because of career issues.  Does that mean that during the times he must be away from me, that I'm less his slave? Not a chance.  He's still Soltic, and I'm still Morniel.  He's still in control, and I'm still under his authority.

But that may be simply because for us, our marriage isn't about me being tied up and fucked so he can climax.  Instead, it's about each other, and our love for each other. ... And our ability to WORK on our relationship so that it endures.


(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Feeling out of control...... Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.188