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Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 6:38:23 PM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		I recently started talking to a former girlfriend.  She really fucked me over when we were together.  I had a lot of hate for her that I never dealt with; I just plain hated her.  What bothered me about it all.....was that her and I used to be best friends.  She and I were buddies before all of this shit happened. 

Now we are talking again, but I don't trust her.  I've told her that.  But I miss my friend so much.  I am not good with people, and I don't make friends easily.  So I miss her.  But like I said, I don't trust her.  I am trying, but it's hard.  Am I being stupid?  Am I making the wrong decision?  Can people really change?
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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 7:03:35 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou
Can people really change?
Can you?
 
Presumably, though, you can, being a slave and as such adaptable.
 
Generally, though, people rarely change.
 
In any case: friends have manuals. You know her manual, don't you? So maybe you can have her around.
 
Heck, what do I know? It is your life. You are the best judge of what to do. Is it a risk you want to take?

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 7:08:58 PM   
pusssnbooots2


Posts: 18
Joined: 9/19/2008
Status: offline 		I think people can change.  Was she much younger when she screwed you over?  She could have matured, realized the errors of her ways.  I'm a much different person now at 42 than I was at 25.  I'd suggest taking it very slowly, being protective of your feelings and trying to feel her out to see if anything seems different about her.  Only time will tell, unfortunately.  

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 7:11:22 PM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE EVER!!!!!! but thats not to say you can't be friends.

Butch

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 7:11:27 PM   
Aneirin


Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline 		People can change, the friend you had before the closer relationship proves that, you had  a friend, but it is clear what you had in the closer relationship did not work and perhaps brought out the not so good side of you both, or her or you. Myself given the situation you are in, would again seek the friend once known, and give her a chance, go with it, but gently does it, trust as you feel trust comes.Some wounds can be healed, but others not, perhaps it is the friendship you once had will never be the same and you may drift apart. But one never knows unless one tries and one can only try if they put the effort in.

What does the head say, and with that, what does the heart say.


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Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 7:12:01 PM   
rexrgisformidoni


Posts: 578
Joined: 9/20/2008
Status: offline 		I know for a fact people change. All of my friends in high school have changed so much I don't recognize half of them anymore. Personality wise, I think alot of it is ingrained, but even then people grow and learn. Meet in the middle. extend the proverbial olive branch. etc

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 7:18:45 PM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		Maybe I missed something from your initial post, but it wasn't clear to me what you wanted from the relationship. Trust aside, do you want to get back together with her, or 'just be friends'? Because for me, I could be friends with someone I didn't trust entirely (not a full-blown intimate friendship, mind you), but I definitely couldn't go out with them/fuck them/marry them/have their babies/mend their socks.

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 7:21:12 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Pick a middle ground.  Be a friend but without rose colored glasses.  Choose how much to trust her with.  You don't have to throw the relationship away, but you also don't need to throw yourself into it wholeheartedly.

The heart has room for many friends.  Keep searching for others.  They are out there, just waiting for you.  :)


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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 7:21:19 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

Am I being stupid? Am I making the wrong decision? Can people really change?

Possibly, Possibly and Yes.

You're taking a chance on a person in pursuit of friendship.  Whether there is baggage or not, taking that chance is the essential prerequisite to having a friendship.

You may not wind up with a friend despite having taken the chance--but it is certain you will not wind up with a friend if you do not take that chance. 


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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 7:22:13 PM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		slaveboy, in saying she f**ked you over so much, you abdicate your responsibility for the failure of the intimate relationship -- and the opportunity to learn from it.  I sense that you have much unfinished business regarding her, and it may or may not be such a good idea to be near her now.  I think the best question you can ask yourself is what did you do to further the collapse of the intimate relationship?  Even if it was merely ignoring warnings, it's something you ought to strive not to repeat.  I wish you both the best.
 
candystripper  

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 7:22:17 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

Maybe I missed something from your initial post, but it wasn't clear to me what you wanted from the relationship. Trust aside, do you want to get back together with her, or 'just be friends'? Because for me, I could be friends with someone I didn't trust entirely (not a full-blown intimate friendship, mind you), but I definitely couldn't go out with them/fuck them/marry them/have their babies/mend their socks.


kittin, you said what I was thinking.
It is possible to be "just" friends even after a serious relationship.
I am GREAT friends with my ex-husband, but I have not and don't intend to
ever cross the line into being more than friends.
One of the issues is, are you seeking a "friendship" or more than a "friendship"?

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 7:23:31 PM   
MadAxeman


Posts: 4171
Joined: 8/28/2008
From: UK
Status: offline 		If you had the doubts now when you first hooked up, perhaps that would have helped you keep a healthier perspective. Have fun, be friends, that can include almost anything and everything, except your heart and soul.

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 7:26:11 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		It all depends on the reason you don't feel trust for her. 

Some breaches of trust can be forgiven and gotten past if the issue was something that the person did out of immaturity and they have since grown up and realized the err of their ways.  Other things, of course, can't be overcome.

Maybe if you talk to her about it, she can re-assure you or present a side that you hadn't previously considered.  Why not tell her how you feel?

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marie.


I give good agita.









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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 7:40:30 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I think you better put some space between the 2 of you.

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 7:54:41 PM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		SB you have mentioned this before, is this the same person ?

I have found that there are two kinds of trust, the first of which is that you trust someone not to go against you, to fuck you over, steal from you, frame you for something.

The second kind of trust is to trust their judgement. Even if they operate in your best interest, if they make the wrong decisions you can get caught up in a ball of wax (non-consentually).

I know people who are admitted thieves, but they won't steal from ME. I know people I would trust with my life, but not with a dollar.

The fact is you can't trust everybody for everything, and that is not just loyalty, it involves their judgement. There are people I would send out with fifty bucks to get me a sack, but they are not getting the keys to my car. There are others who could borrow the car but I don't use them for that purpose. There are people who are allowed to walk in my home and make themselves comfortable, and even turn the amp on and pick out a bit of music on the computer, but noone, ABSOLUTELY NOONE does anything else with my computer. And I trust them not to.

There are different levels, as well as many forms of trust. Having been in some of the "businesses" in which I have been involved, I have learned alot.

Really, you don't have to trust someone at all to enjoy their company, and possibly the fruits thereof. There are people in which I place very little trust, one of them I call my favorite psychopath. This guy really gave me a laugh one day, but hearing what he said meant alot more.

Where he worked there was nine thousand dollars cash missing. The boss wants to know who took it and everybody got called on the carpet and he told them "Just give it back, I can't afford to lose that right now, forget everything but if I don't get it back your paycheck might bounce" something like that. Well my favorite psychopath's response was "Nine thoudand dollars ? Hell that wouldn't cover my bail if I got caught !". Fucken ey, I cracked up, I told "Next time you find yourself in a similar situation, say ANYTHING but that". I laughed about it for days.

Trust is bestowed very sparingly around here, anyone who comes here I can trust at least not to lift items out of my house, trust beyond that is very carefully considered.

T

(in reply to MadAxeman)
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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 8:38:16 PM   
Marc2b


Posts: 6660
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline 		Is she aware that she screwed you over? Different people have different perceptions of events.

Has she ever apologized for screwing you over? If not then you should just be honest and tell her, "I want to be friends with you again but I feel that you screwed me over and here’s why." After telling her why, ask for (don’t demand) an apology. As for what happens next... ?

I don’t even know why I am writing this. In doing so I am violating one of my fundamental rules – DON’T GET INVOLVED IN OTHER PEOPLE’S RELATIONSHIPS.

Well... rules should be broken now and then.

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 8:53:34 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		This is a classic case of "You think you know someone untill you sleep with them"

I've been in this boat before. Good friend who becomes girl friend and then it all goes to hell.

Are we friends today? HELL NO! It's like I told her when she tried to start talking to me again, "If we die and are both in Heaven, I'm jumping off into Hell!"

When it's an ex that fucks you over, just forget about it. Forgive but move on. Wev'e been here, we've done that, and there's nothing left for us. Unless she ends up being the last woman on earth, that road really isn't worth going down again.



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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 9:00:44 PM   
UncleNasty


Posts: 1108
Joined: 3/20/2004
Status: offline 		You most certainly can trust her to be 100% of who and what she is. And now you know more about that than you did before. That should help in setting new boundaries for your relationship with her.

Uncle Nasty

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 9:03:27 PM   
NeedToUseYou


Posts: 2297
Joined: 12/24/2005
From: None of your business
Status: offline 		My theory on people and change, is mostly the perceived change is the circumstances change. As in a person acts differently for example when financially distressed, than when they have an okay job. While in that circumstance they are different, but once the environment reverts they generally take on the same behaviors.

Also some people mellow with age, as in become less edged but generally the core is the same, just more smoothed.

Anyway, unless something radical has happened to her, or you, since then, odds are highly in favor that nothing has changed maybe slight mellowing.

So, I'd say you are being stupid, if the situation is still the same, and you should fully expect if the situation changes she'll revert.  

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 10:01:14 PM   
TheHeretic


Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou
Can people really change?



         They can.  Mostly they don't.  If that is is your expectation, let it go.

        I have never been so horribly fucked over in relationships, as I was in the repeated go-arounds with one particular ex.  She and I were great friends before that, and we are great friends today. 

         Here is a question to test if you are ready.  Next time you talk to her, bring up the most awful night/fight of the relationship.  Can you laugh about it with her?  If not, walk away.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.


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