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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/29/2008 11:24:48 PM

Bethnai

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Here is a thought.

What if she has changed and she decides to confide in you some piece of information. This little bit of information might be about a current boyfriend or something that you know is deeply personal. In doing so, she leaves the door wide open for you take a personal jibe. You know, but more importantly she will know, that once those words come out of your mouth you will strike her to the core. Can you resist? Can you resist the opportunities that might arise to make her pay little by little?

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/30/2008 4:31:52 AM

slaveboyforyou

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I am answering a couple of people here. I fell asleep last night after I wrote this. Thanks for all the replies.

quote:

Maybe I missed something from your initial post, but it wasn't clear to me what you wanted from the relationship. Trust aside, do you want to get back together with her, or 'just be friends'? Because for me, I could be friends with someone I didn't trust entirely (not a full-blown intimate friendship, mind you), but I definitely couldn't go out with them/fuck them/marry them/have their babies/mend their socks.

No, I am never getting back with her. It won't happen. I just missed our friendship, and she seems legitimately remorseful. I am just being cautious, and I told her that I didn't trust her.

quote:

SB you have mentioned this before, is this the same person ?

No Term, this is a different woman. I haven't talked to her in over a year. It surprised me when I heard from her.

quote:

Is she aware that she screwed you over? Different people have different perceptions of events.

Yeah she is aware. The first thing she said to me was a long apology. But the first thing I thought was that she was playing an angle and looking for something. I told her I didn't trust her.

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/30/2008 6:16:39 AM

DesFIP

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You can be friends with a person that you cannot have a relationship with. If one of the things about your friendship was watching cheesy movies and making rude comments to the screen, then the only trust you need now is whether she is still interested in this.

I had a friend when young who could not be trusted to be on time, ever. I couldn't agree to meet her for lunch because I would have to be back at work without time to eat due to her lateness. However I could meet her for dinner because it didn't matter if we sat down at 7 or quarter after. I trusted her to show up eventually and decided for myself where my boundaries were.

But until you deal with your festering anger and resentment those feelings are likely to poison any relationship you try to have with her. Collect string, not grudges.

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/30/2008 9:56:28 AM

hizgeorgiapeach

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SB, part of this comes down to how you - and you alone - define Friendship. Is it the same for you as aquaintanceship - ie, everyone whom you happen to know that you aren't specifically on Bad terms with? Or are those whom you call Friends only those with whom you have a deeper seated and more intimate (though not romantic) relationship - the people that you Prefer to hang out with, because you not only have things in common, but Trust Each Other?

I've never particularly understood those who can still maintain "Friendship" with people they've had a bad breakup from. All of my ex's and I are not even on speaking terms. If we'd been on good enough terms to part as "friends" then there wouldn't have been a breakup.

Do people change? They CAN - but most frequently they Don't. If there are no Consequences to actions - like loosing Friends when you've fucked them over - there is no motivation to change. Forgive & Forget = Relive and Regret in my book.

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 9/30/2008 8:36:35 PM

FangsNfeet

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Maybe this song will help you out. I'm no longer angry with any of my EX's. On the flip side, I've done some shitty things to Ex's myself.

I know I don't want any new relationships but I would like for those with remorse of their past actions that I do forgive and would like to appologize to the ones I could have been nicer to.

If and when there's a chance to appologize or forgive, I'd take it and move on.

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 10/1/2008 12:52:43 AM

Vendaval

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Hello slaveboy,

What is in your best interests? Making new friendships or trying to rebuild this one? What would you loose by meeting new people and expanding your horizons?

< Message edited by Vendaval -- 10/1/2008 12:53:23 AM >

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 10/1/2008 1:15:08 AM

Rule

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Sometimes friendships are meant to end. Sometimes such an end is the beginning of a new road.

Sometimes two roads that have parted are meant to join again.

What is the spiritual perspective in this case? Analyse that.

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 10/1/2008 4:00:52 AM

blacksword404

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Yes people can change they just rarely decide to. Maybe you too can be friends once again. But only if your able to put your baggage to rest. If not you will just end up taking you anger out on her. (maybe she deserved it back then) But maybe not now. Once you go to being more than friends you can never go back to being just friends. You can be friends but you will also always be an ex. If you decide to give friends a try i suggest you take it very very slow. Keep her at arms length until your sure you can trust her.

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 10/1/2008 4:21:54 AM

lusciouslips19

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I have often times made up with friends when there was a breach in the friendship. Soon after or years later. Forgiveness is always good for YOU. Letting go of anger heals you. the friendship will never be the same. It may be that you are friends but never as close as before. It may be that your friendship can evolve into an even closer more honest one. Either way, complete honesty and openness about feelings needs to take place and a discussion of what happened and how each of you has learned from it. You may possily gain insight into her if you let her talk of why she did what she did and how she desires or if she desires to change her methods of operating in relationships in the future.

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 10/1/2008 5:26:16 AM

Kirata

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

I am trying, but it's hard. Am I being stupid? Am I making the wrong decision?

I think whatever happened the first time would just happen all over again, no matter what either of you think or say or intend at the outset, simply because the mix of wants and needs and fears that draw you together is a setup for it. The drama is already starting, pulling you apart inside and making you feel you are somehow being unfair not to give things a chance. I'm afraid this one looks like pretty poison, slaveboy. I'm sorry.

K.

< Message edited by Kirata -- 10/1/2008 5:39:35 AM >

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RE: Limits of Friendship - 10/1/2008 5:36:01 AM

pahunkboy

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I agree that it IS good to let go of anger.

Jennies EX came back after 7 years of marriage. It started with nice dinners....now 2 months later, he is a cling on. She cant ge rid of him.

Due to her set up, and his- [she is on section 8, he lives with mom and pays no rent, even tho he works construction full time] There simply can not be more then a part time thing. He refuses to see that. She was doing quite fine before this. it would have been better is he had stayed away. All the little games or nonsense-ical exchanges are back. I told her she is too old for this- again. He is always broke- since he pisses his money away on nonsense.

Anyhow- you have to look after your interests. Friendship is good- but you could be selecvtively remembering only good points.

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