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RE: Life after abuse. - 9/9/2008 6:00:09 PM

Lockit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

First off, if the abuser owned up to it, that by itself would say to me that he had had some life altering experiences causing him to take a good, hard look at himself. And admitting the problem is the first, and the hardest, step. Afterwards comes getting professional help; therapy, anger management, family of origin issues etc. If somebody wants to change, they can, but it takes help and a lot of hard work. Someone who was getting that help, was committed to becoming a person he could respect, and who acknowledged his past is someone I would take a chance on. But I would need to see them taking those steps first.

I agree big time! It takes a lot of work and it can be done... like I said... if there is a will, there is a way. But there are no short cuts.

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RE: Life after abuse. - 9/9/2008 7:52:03 PM

pixidustpet

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my first husband was abusive towards me. his second wife gave him nearly identical treatment to how i was treated in our marriage....she hit him, was verbally abusive, finally pulled a gun on him.

his third wife left him but had nothing to do with abuse (she decided she preferred women). he cant see that he did anything wrong to me, but he hasnt been abusive to other women.

i think that people can change if they want to and try to. the issue is, do they want to, and do they try?

kitten

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Post #: 22

RE: Life after abuse. - 9/9/2008 8:07:42 PM

TNstepsout

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I think some can. I don't think my ex will. He was abusive with his nasty, volatile temper and used it to get his way. It was that way for 22 years, even though he was in counseling for quite a while and even studied psychology himself. He could never make the leap from theory to practice and I don't think he ever will. There is just something warped in his perception of the world around him that I don't see changing.

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RE: Life after abuse. - 9/10/2008 1:08:18 AM

Maya2001

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From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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I can't say whether my ex ever changed and had a relationship where he did not abuse since there were court orders for him to stay the hell away from me and our child but I doubt it very much ...but thru the police I learned he stabbed his next wife in the chest several times..luckily she survived

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RE: Life after abuse. - 9/10/2008 4:59:58 AM

HalloweenWhite

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People come in all shapes and sizes, Y/you can't say that just because someone did something once they'll do it again (unless there's an underlying reason, condition that hasn't been dealt with). If My partner had been abusive in another relationship, I'd find out why and if I wasn't happy withe the answers I'd leave.

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RE: Life after abuse. - 9/10/2008 5:19:50 AM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

How do we know? as s-types, simply how do we know? reputation has a great deal to say if there is a powerful community BUT for those who participate mainly in private house parties and non-public scenes, it's far easier for an abuser to hide.

Abuse is rarely something that happens the first time people meet one on one privately. It grows with a relationship. If someone gets into a relationship that turns abusive, then it doesn't matter if they only have sex in their own bedroom like most vanilla abusive relationships. Their families will know. The neighbors hearing it will know. The police will get called and will know.

This has nothing to do with private or public. Plus the same people who are abusive in private don't do that where they will be seen. You're being naive if you think that just playing publicly will protect someone.

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RE: Life after abuse. - 9/10/2008 7:14:25 AM

chamberqueen

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From: Kalamazoo, MI
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I read a really interesting article once on people who tend to be verbally abusive. In most cases, when questioned about it, they honestly don't know that they have been. Some families teach that anything said in anger "doesn't count". If a person cannot see that they are being abusive, whether physically or verbally, they have no reason to change.

My first husband was abusive but learned from it. He apologized to me and said that he realized that he simply didn't have the respect for me that he should have. To the best of my knowledge he has never been abusive in any form to anyone since.

My second husband was an entirely different story. He feels that all of his abuse was justified - even if it was only because he felt like being mean. He saw letting out his emotions as healthy for him no matter what the consequences were to anyone else. He will never change because he sees no need to.

I would never become involved with someone that I learned had an abusive past, but that's self preservation on my part. I am now with a Master that never, ever abuses me though he may say that I am His to "use and abuse" as he sees fit. He never lashes out in anger, and if He says something that I feel is unfair wants me to immediately bring it to His attention.

Yes, someone can change, but if you are looking for a relationship with them you should be very careful that the change wasn't just superficial. Many abusive people can be very charming most of the time, but then something will trigger their need to be cruel.

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RE: Life after abuse. - 9/10/2008 7:50:47 AM

john32

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Abuse takes on many forms. I beleive people can change.

My mother may have been sexually and physically abused by her stepfather. this was something i was aware of growing up.

Now i find myself attracted to women who are sexually submissive. It is a difficult balance that, for me, requires complete trust and communication. i cant let go if i dont beleive that my partner is being completely honest with me about her needs. I absolutely refuse to be an abuser. I know what it did to my mothers life. and what her abuse did to my fathers and the whole families life.

At the same time i enjoy kink. I know that kinky sex is VERY different from abuse, but the water can get muddy.

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RE: Life after abuse. - 9/10/2008 12:15:07 PM

magicone

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Joined: 10/28/2006
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an ass**** is an ass****
an abuser is an absuer...

i have never seen an abuser so far changed...

they abuse, cause thats they wanna do and get their kick off it... be it cause of low selfsteem or whatever...

but once you crossed the line... you will never go back

just my two cents

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RE: Life after abuse. - 9/10/2008 12:54:02 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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I don't think it is impossible for abusers to change, just mathmatically improbable that they will. Because I'm not a gambler, and I'm not willing to ever again allow anyone to abuse me, if I knew someone had a history of abuse; I would not in any way consider a relationship with them. I'm willing to concede that they can and probably are perfectly wonderful individuals now, but any relationship they have will be with someone else, not me.

Harsh? Probably, but having spent 10 years with a physically and emotionally abusive husband - and 11 years without one, the 11 years without were infinitely better - I don't see any reason to risk going through what I once did ever again.

Unfortunately, from my experience, abusers are tyically very charismatic and charming and manipulative and those who have been abused don't wake up one day and are suddenly abused. It is a process, a process of small things that culminate and escalate into a measurable cycle that we term abuse. For this reason, it is difficult to ascertain if a person has actually changed, or if instead it is simply a change in circumstances that has 'reset' the cycle. Yes, uncharacteristically skeptical of me, I know - but a hard earned lesson I'm not willing to forget any time soon.

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 9/10/2008 1:01:12 PM >

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RE: Life after abuse. - 9/10/2008 12:57:45 PM

sirguym

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

i heard this once: victims never forget, perpetrators never remember. It pretty much fits my experience of abuse.
Also felt like adding: don't know why abuse gets bought up in bdsm discussions as much as it does, but it does. If there were ever two constructs that were diametrically opposed it would be those of abuse and domination.

They are very different but there are two factors at work.

One is that many ex-abused people find our world somewhere that they can begin to help them heal themselves.

The other is the sheer pervasive nature of abuse. The %age of survivors will depend on how you define it, gender and what community you're talking about .

But my experience suggests that e.g. in closed traditional catholic, evangelical christian and muslim communities, the majority of women are abused at one time or another.

By fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, cousins, priests, nuns, boyfriends, husbands ... sexual, physical, emotional, it all goes on, and gets swept under the carpet.

< Message edited by sirguym -- 9/10/2008 12:59:16 PM >

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RE: Life after abuse. - 9/10/2008 1:08:32 PM

StormsSlave

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I have never seen one change. I've known a lot of them, and have been in relationship with one. Five years later, he contacted me and tried to get me to come back, as if he couldn't understand why I left. Shaking head.

I'm too old to say that people can't change, cause I've seen it happen. I don't believe that an abuser can change without a life changing, Saul on the road to Damascus type of experience. shrug. that's my opinion.

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RE: Life after abuse. - 9/10/2008 1:26:57 PM

sweetsouthern

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I typically don't post anything on here, but I would have to agree abuser don't change. I know this from a personal experience. I had an online Dom who was very emotionally and verbally abusive. I told him to take a hike after I met my mentor and learn a lot this lifestyle that I didn't know yet. He just recently email me again and he didn't change one bit.

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RE: Life after abuse. - 9/10/2008 1:35:21 PM

SageFemmexx

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Abusers can change. However, one must always listen as to why they have the label of abuser. My dom/hubby's ex is a prime example of a borderline personality that forced everyone around here to be labeled as abusers because she always had to play the role of victim.

Is he an abuser? Not with me. However, we have a healthy D/s relationship and the role he is for me is dominant and protector. I believe you always have to look at the relationship not just the person because sometimes these "abusers" are caught in a Catch-22.

Deal breakers for me would be alcoholism and drug abuse, gambling and sex addiction and any number of other indications that the dom is not only an abuser but out of control in many areas of his life.

Sage.

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Post #: 34