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new to the lifestyle - 9/7/2008 8:14:30 PM

inadequate

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/5/2008
Status: offline

Hello, i am new to this lifestyle of bdsm.. i am curious about certain aspects and this is the first time i have chatted with people on the subject. But after i semi click with someone i get an awful question.. "Ask me questions now" lol... Well, i have no idea what to say... it happened to me yesturday on mic, and i wish you could of felt how hot my face got, just saying um, um.. for like 5 min. Can anybody give me some questions i should be asking? or things you would ask? These are the ones i have so far:

1.) have you ever hurt anybody on accident (beyong what you were intending) ?
2.) did you tell the truth on the last question?
3.)limits?
4.) do you believe in safewords?
5.) how do you feel about showing bdsm in public?

i came up with those a little while ago, i think they are good.. but i would like to be more prepared the next time it happens. Becuase people seem to think you're not interested if you don't have any questions. i appreciate any and all help. Thanks.

Post #: 1

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/7/2008 8:19:17 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I would drop question #2. You're asking someone if he's a liar. I'd be offended by it.

I would add:

How long have you been in the lifestyle?
What are your likes and dislikes?
What vanilla activities do you like?
What is your job?
(If he has college) Why did you choose that field to major in?

You need to know him as a person as well as a Dom.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to inadequate)

Post #: 2

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/7/2008 8:29:49 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5175
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

I would also add....

Are you married? divorced? separated? widowed? attached?
What do you expect of a submissive? slave?
What does being a Dominant mean to you?
Do you belong to any munch groups?
What do you do for fun?
Do you have any hobbies?

(in reply to inadequate)

Post #: 3

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/7/2008 8:34:30 PM

inadequate

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/5/2008
Status: offline

thank you darksteven and peppermint

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 4

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/7/2008 9:26:45 PM

AnnaOfAramis

Posts: 523
Joined: 7/30/2008
Status: offline

Greetings,

The first thing this girl would tell you, is never mind trying to meet someone and ask questions if you are new. Read first all you can- there are some good books, some good websites, and the forums here. Get a sense of what being submissive and dominant is, because as a newbie, especially female, you are very vulnerable to falling prey to people who may be unsafe, careless, or cause you emotional harm. There are good dominants here too, but you need to start being able to discern the difference. Look for people on the forums who seem to have a good grasp of things and ask them. But really, this girl would say to try not to hook up with anyone just yet.

Others may disagree and offer different advice, but this is what this girl suggests.

Good luck in your journey,

anna

(in reply to inadequate)

Post #: 5

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/7/2008 10:20:40 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

How often have you had to get loans and for what purposes? Do you smoke? What are your life priorities? What's your favorite joke? Have you lived on your own and for how long? How much do you travel? Why are you single and seeking?

Get to know the person, along the way everything else will follow.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to AnnaOfAramis)

Post #: 6

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/7/2008 10:27:49 PM

loverly

Posts: 236
Joined: 1/23/2004
Status: offline

when is Your birthday? ..... what sort of student were You? .....do You get along weel with Your family? .....how do You handle DRAMA in a situation.... Do You have references in real life from ppl in the lifestyle? from Your last sub/slave? if You are married .. does Your wife know?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/8/2008 12:30:45 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

1. Have you ever had a Dom or sub in a collared relationship?

2. What became of him or her?

3. Do you play in public or belong to a D/s group?

4. What is your idea of monogamoy?

5. Are you married or have a SO?

6.. Do you have people who are not yet 18 years old, aging parents, siblings, etc.?

7. What do you do for a career?

8. What do you do for fun?

9. Do you have friends of the opposite sex?

Just some ideas...basically ask whatever you want to know, and to test for truthfulness, ask a second time in a slightly different way later on.

Be well.

candystripper

(in reply to inadequate)

Post #: 8

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/8/2008 12:52:56 AM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

1.) have you ever hurt anybody on accident (beyong what you were intending) ? yeah one i did, i apologized for it after the scene was done
2.) did you tell the truth on the last question? ....yep
3.)limits? Anal, scat, watersports
4.) do you believe in safewords? with my Master no....with my subs and play partners yes. It comes down to knowing the persons limits.
5.) how do you feel about showing bdsm in public? do it monthly at least, I help run a fetish show

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 9

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/8/2008 2:39:12 AM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

And, the best indicator of all ... in my humble opinion....

Q: If your parents are still living, do you talk to them often, i.e., at least weekly?

If yes --> Go to the head of the pack; if no ... I'd wonder ... I really would.

Of course, I'm Italian, so, that explains some of my family-oriented attitude ...and experience ... but, in all my years, I've found the stablest people came from loving families that are still together, even though they are generations and perhaps thousands of miles apart. I certainly do understand YMMV ... but that doesn't change my experience ... when I lived in graduate school with other roommates, I found the ones whose parents wouldn't even talk to them were the ones who turned out to be the biggest problems and nut cases. Those who still talked to their family on a frequent basis (at least while they were in their mid twenties), were the ones that had the least drama as roommates. That was my baptism in personality profiling (which I don't know much more about than that, I'll readily admit).

Pompeii

< Message edited by pompeii -- 9/8/2008 2:46:27 AM >

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

Post #: 10

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/8/2008 3:39:25 AM

RoseRed81

Posts: 4
Joined: 4/18/2007
Status: offline

I agree with anna.
Read everything you can get your paws on, and when you've done that - read some more. If you are in a position where you are unsure what questions to ask then, in my humble opinion, you probably shouldn't be venturing any further without doing some more homework, purely for safety reasons. I'm still relatively new to this lifestyle (have had one long term D/s relationship and a few playdates) but I found reading up on various books and websites gave me a lot of confidence and practical advice, and stopped me from making some really silly mistakes.
Take care and be safe,
rosered

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 11

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/8/2008 3:26:47 PM

Snyegurochka

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/1/2008
Status: offline

I agree with Pompeii.

When I first met my Dad, I was looking for a nurting, caring and protective man who can deal with long term relationships. Mainly because I am just like that, close to my family.

So, I asked Him about His friends, how long they were friends, how they became friends, about His family, how He deals with mom, sisters and women in general.

Also I began to pay attenttion not only to His words, but His actions. If the Dom/Master says He respects people and acts on the contrary, its a bad signal.
He must acts like He says, thats being consecuent.

Some have said its necessary to read information about the subject, I will recomend Jay Wiseman SM101, have greats advices for novices like us... Almost is duty read it!

And, finally, pay attenttion to your guts, a sharp instinct can tell things you are not willing to see on the first hand.

_____________________________

<3

(in reply to RoseRed81)

Post #: 12

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/8/2008 7:38:07 PM

inadequate

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/5/2008
Status: offline

Thanks everyone.

(in reply to Snyegurochka)

Post #: 13

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/8/2008 7:44:04 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

I wouldn't go for a set of 'interview' type questions. I'd just get to know the person.

Better still, get to know people, different people. The best way of learning about BDSM and D/s is through interactions with other people, online, offline, munches, events, discussions, friendships, and as you meet the people you can formulate your questions accordingly.

Above all keep an open mind.

_____________________________

CM's Resident Lyricist
also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
50NZpoints
Q2
Simply Q

(in reply to inadequate)

Post #: 14

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/8/2008 8:28:05 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

And, the best indicator of all ... in my humble opinion....

Q: If your parents are still living, do you talk to them often, i.e., at least weekly?

If yes --> Go to the head of the pack; if no ... I'd wonder ... I really would.

Of course, I'm Italian, so, that explains some of my family-oriented attitude ...and experience ... but, in all my years, I've found the stablest people came from loving families that are still together, even though they are generations and perhaps thousands of miles apart.
Pompeii

My dad is still alive and I still talk to him, but it's only monthly (he keeps -really- busy, and has a girlfriend. He still sits the bench as a judge at 83 years old, refuses to own one of those nasty electronic leashes -a cell phone- so we talk when I can catch him at the house). We're Sicilian... He knows about -everything-.. the piercings, the tats, the same-sex Darling, our poly lovers who died (he attended their funerals with us)... I'd say that the frequency of conversation is less important than the quality --

Do you and your parent(s) love and respect one another?

If you've had problems, have you done what -you- could to work them out?

If you don't get along with your parents and there is no hope for it (and sometimes, if someone is unlucky enough to have toxic family, this is the best they can do, and it is NO reflection on them as a person), are there other role-models in your life that you -do- get along with and whose advice you seek out and follow?

How do you deal with conflict?

What do you hope to get out of a relationship with a submissive counterpart?

What do you hope to offer in a relationship with a submissive counterpart?

What does a 'wonderful day' look like to you?

Are you generally happy?

Is there something in your life that you -love- to do/have/be that doesn't require another person?

Are you comfortable being alone?

Are you comfortable with silence?

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 15

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/8/2008 8:46:47 PM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

I agree , unless if i answer correctly i win a new car washer and drier and a trip to Hawaii ..

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

I wouldn't go for a set of 'interview' type questions. I'd just get to know the person.

Better still, get to know people, different people. The best way of learning about BDSM and D/s is through interactions with other people, online, offline, munches, events, discussions, friendships, and as you meet the people you can formulate your questions accordingly.

Above all keep an open mind.

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 16

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/9/2008 5:18:43 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

And, the best indicator of all ... in my humble opinion....

Q: If your parents are still living, do you talk to them often, i.e., at least weekly?

If yes --> Go to the head of the pack; if no ... I'd wonder ... I really would.

Of course, I'm Italian, so, that explains some of my family-oriented attitude ...and experience ... but, in all my years, I've found the stablest people came from loving families that are still together, even though they are generations and perhaps thousands of miles apart. I certainly do understand YMMV ... but that doesn't change my experience ... when I lived in graduate school with other roommates, I found the ones whose parents wouldn't even talk to them were the ones who turned out to be the biggest problems and nut cases. Those who still talked to their family on a frequent basis (at least while they were in their mid twenties), were the ones that had the least drama as roommates. That was my baptism in personality profiling (which I don't know much more about than that, I'll readily admit).

Pompeii

As a problematic fruitcake (on the basis of the above) I just wish to point out that not everybody has a happy family and in many cases some of the best families are created rather than born into.

_____________________________

CM's Resident Lyricist
also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
50NZpoints
Q2
Simply Q

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 17

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/9/2008 5:26:45 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

What are you passionate about?
What are you hobbies?
When was the last time you got angry? Why? How did you resolve the situation?
How close are you to your family?

But I'm interested in a person, not just in their kink. If you are also, then ask about those other things. Because most of the time in life, we aren't naked with toys spread about (worse luck). Most of the time we're just doing everyday things.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 18

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/9/2008 6:15:17 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

omg some of you people are such the cattle call for cying out loud just answer the ops quesions stop with the stupid sarcaism I see this alot on here when a op has a serious quesion people have to funny stupid just answer the questions

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 19

RE: new to the lifestyle - 9/9/2008 6:19:04 AM

kittinSol

Posts: 16926
Status: offline

Now, unlike the responses to the OP, your post above will elicit some sarcasm

.

_____________________________

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 20

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