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inadequate -> new to the lifestyle (9/7/2008 8:14:30 PM)

Hello, i am new to this lifestyle of bdsm.. i am curious about certain aspects and this is the first time i have chatted with people on the subject.  But after i semi click with someone i get an awful question.. "Ask me questions now" lol... Well, i have no idea what to say... it happened to me yesturday on mic, and i wish you could of felt how hot my face got, just saying um, um.. for like 5 min.  Can anybody give me some questions i should be asking?  or things you would ask?  These are the ones i have so far:

1.) have you ever hurt anybody on accident (beyong what you were intending) ?
2.) did you tell the truth on the last question?
3.)limits?
4.) do you believe in safewords?
5.) how do you feel about showing bdsm in public?

i came up with those a little while ago, i think they are good.. but i would like to be more prepared the next time it happens.  Becuase people seem to think you're  not interested if you don't have any questions.  i appreciate any and all help.   Thanks.



DarkSteven -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/7/2008 8:19:17 PM)

I would drop question #2.  You're asking someone if he's a liar.  I'd be offended by it.

I would add:

How long have you been in the lifestyle?
What are your likes and dislikes?
What vanilla activities do you like?
What is your job?
(If he has college) Why did you choose that field to major in?

You need to know him as a person as well as a Dom.



peppermint -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/7/2008 8:29:49 PM)

I would also add....

Are you married? divorced? separated? widowed? attached?
What do you expect of a submissive?  slave?
What does being a Dominant mean to you?
Do you belong to any munch groups?
What do you do for fun?
Do you have any hobbies?



inadequate -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/7/2008 8:34:30 PM)

thank you darksteven and peppermint 



AnnaOfAramis -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/7/2008 9:26:45 PM)

Greetings,

The first thing this girl would tell you, is never mind trying to meet someone and ask questions if you are new. Read first all you can- there are some good books, some good websites, and the forums here. Get a sense of what being submissive and dominant is, because as a newbie, especially female, you are very vulnerable to falling prey to people who may be unsafe, careless, or cause you emotional harm. There are good dominants here too, but you need to start being able to discern the difference. Look for people on the forums who seem to have a good grasp of things and ask them. But really, this girl would say to try not to hook up with anyone just yet.

Others may disagree and offer different advice, but this is what this girl suggests.

Good luck in your journey,

anna



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/7/2008 10:20:40 PM)

How often have you had to get loans and for what purposes?  Do you smoke?  What are your life priorities?  What's your favorite joke?  Have you lived on your own and for how long?  How much do you travel?  Why are you single and seeking?

Get to know the person, along the way everything else will follow.



loverly -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/7/2008 10:27:49 PM)

when is Your birthday? ..... what sort of student were You? .....do You get along weel with Your family?  .....how do You handle DRAMA in a situation.... Do You have references in real life from ppl in the lifestyle? from Your last sub/slave?  if You are married .. does Your wife know?



candystripper -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/8/2008 12:30:45 AM)

1. Have you ever had a Dom or sub in a collared relationship?
 
2. What became of him or her?
 
3.  Do you play in public or belong to a D/s group?
 
4.  What is your idea of monogamoy?
 
5.  Are you married or have a SO?
 
6..  Do you have people who are not yet 18 years old, aging parents, siblings, etc.?
 
7.  What do you do for a career?
 
8.  What do you do for fun?
 
9.  Do you have friends of the opposite sex?
 
Just some ideas...basically ask whatever you want to know, and to test for truthfulness, ask a second time in a slightly different way later on.
 
Be well.
 
candystripper  [sm=pole.gif]



Sunnyfey -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/8/2008 12:52:56 AM)

1.) have you ever hurt anybody on accident (beyong what you were intending) ?  yeah one i did, i apologized for it after the scene was done
2.) did you tell the truth on the last question? ....yep
3.)limits? Anal, scat, watersports
4.) do you believe in safewords?  with my Master no....with my subs and play partners yes. It comes down to knowing the persons limits.
5.) how do you feel about showing bdsm in public? do it monthly at least, I help run a fetish show 




pompeii -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/8/2008 2:39:12 AM)

And, the best indicator of all ... in my humble opinion....

Q: If your parents are still living, do you talk to them often, i.e., at least weekly?

If yes --> Go to the head of the pack; if no ... I'd wonder ... I really would.

Of course, I'm Italian, so, that explains some of my family-oriented attitude ...and experience ... but, in all my years, I've found the stablest people came from loving families that are still together, even though they are generations and perhaps thousands of miles apart. I certainly do understand YMMV ... but that doesn't change my experience ... when I lived in graduate school with other roommates, I found the ones whose parents wouldn't even talk to them were the ones who turned out to be the biggest problems and nut cases. Those who still talked to their family on a frequent basis (at least while they were in their mid twenties), were the ones that had the least drama as roommates. That was my baptism in personality profiling (which I don't know much more about than that, I'll readily admit).

Pompeii



RoseRed81 -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/8/2008 3:39:25 AM)

I agree with anna.
Read everything you can get your paws on, and when you've done that - read some more. If you are in a position where you are unsure what questions to ask then, in my humble opinion, you probably shouldn't be venturing any further without doing some more homework, purely for safety reasons. I'm still relatively new to this lifestyle (have had one long term D/s relationship and a few playdates) but I found reading up on various books and websites gave me a lot of confidence and practical advice, and stopped me from making some really silly mistakes.
Take care and be safe,
rosered



Snyegurochka -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/8/2008 3:26:47 PM)

I agree with Pompeii.

When I first met my Dad, I was looking for a nurting, caring and protective man who can deal with long term relationships. Mainly because I am just like that, close to my family.

So, I asked Him about His friends, how long they were friends, how they became friends, about His family, how He deals with mom, sisters and women in general.

Also I began to pay attenttion not only to His words, but His actions. If the Dom/Master says He respects people and acts on the contrary, its a bad signal.
He must acts like He says, thats being consecuent.

Some have said its necessary to read information about the subject, I will recomend Jay Wiseman SM101, have greats advices for novices like us... Almost is duty read it!

And, finally, pay attenttion to your guts, a sharp instinct can tell things you are not willing to see on the first hand.



inadequate -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/8/2008 7:38:07 PM)

Thanks everyone.



stella41b -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/8/2008 7:44:04 PM)

I wouldn't go for a set of 'interview' type questions. I'd just get to know the person.

Better still, get to know people, different people. The best way of learning about BDSM and D/s is through interactions with other people, online, offline, munches, events, discussions, friendships, and as you meet the people you can formulate your questions accordingly.

Above all keep an open mind.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/8/2008 8:28:05 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

And, the best indicator of all ... in my humble opinion....

Q: If your parents are still living, do you talk to them often, i.e., at least weekly?

If yes --> Go to the head of the pack; if no ... I'd wonder ... I really would.

Of course, I'm Italian, so, that explains some of my family-oriented attitude ...and experience ... but, in all my years, I've found the stablest people came from loving families that are still together, even though they are generations and perhaps thousands of miles apart.
Pompeii


My dad is still alive and I still talk to him, but it's only monthly (he keeps -really- busy, and has a girlfriend. He still sits the bench as a judge at 83 years old, refuses to own one of those nasty electronic leashes -a cell phone- so we talk when I can catch him at the house). We're Sicilian... He knows about -everything-.. the piercings, the tats, the same-sex Darling, our poly lovers who died (he attended their funerals with us)... I'd say that the frequency of conversation is less important than the quality --

Do you and your parent(s) love and respect one another?

If you've had problems, have you done what -you- could to work them out?

If you don't get along with your parents and there is no hope for it (and sometimes, if someone is unlucky enough to have toxic family, this is the best they can do, and it is NO reflection on them as a person), are there other role-models in your life that you -do- get along with and whose advice you seek out and follow?

How do you deal with conflict?

What do you hope to get out of a relationship with a submissive counterpart?

What do you hope to offer in a relationship with a submissive counterpart?

What does a 'wonderful day' look like to you?

Are you generally happy?

Is there something in your life that you -love- to do/have/be that doesn't require another person?

Are you comfortable being alone?

Are you comfortable with silence?

Calla Firestorm



azropedntied -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/8/2008 8:46:47 PM)

I agree , unless if i answer correctly i win a new car  washer and drier  and a trip to Hawaii ..

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

I wouldn't go for a set of 'interview' type questions. I'd just get to know the person.

Better still, get to know people, different people. The best way of learning about BDSM and D/s is through interactions with other people, online, offline, munches, events, discussions, friendships, and as you meet the people you can formulate your questions accordingly.

Above all keep an open mind.



stella41b -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/9/2008 5:18:43 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

And, the best indicator of all ... in my humble opinion....

Q: If your parents are still living, do you talk to them often, i.e., at least weekly?

If yes --> Go to the head of the pack; if no ... I'd wonder ... I really would.

Of course, I'm Italian, so, that explains some of my family-oriented attitude ...and experience ... but, in all my years, I've found the stablest people came from loving families that are still together, even though they are generations and perhaps thousands of miles apart. I certainly do understand YMMV ... but that doesn't change my experience ... when I lived in graduate school with other roommates, I found the ones whose parents wouldn't even talk to them were the ones who turned out to be the biggest problems and nut cases. Those who still talked to their family on a frequent basis (at least while they were in their mid twenties), were the ones that had the least drama as roommates. That was my baptism in personality profiling (which I don't know much more about than that, I'll readily admit).

Pompeii


As a problematic fruitcake (on the basis of the above) I just wish to point out that not everybody has a happy family and in many cases some of the best families are created rather than born into.



DesFIP -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/9/2008 5:26:45 AM)

What are you passionate about?
What are you hobbies?
When was the last time you got angry? Why? How did you resolve the situation?
How close are you to your family?

But I'm interested in a person, not just in their kink. If you are also, then ask about those other things. Because most of the time in life, we aren't naked with toys spread about (worse luck). Most of the time we're just doing everyday things.



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/9/2008 6:15:17 AM)

omg some of you people are such the cattle call for cying out loud just answer the ops quesions stop with the stupid sarcaism   I see this alot on here  when a op has a serious quesion people have to funny stupid   just answer the questions



kittinSol -> RE: new to the lifestyle (9/9/2008 6:19:04 AM)

Now, unlike the responses to the OP, your post above will elicit some sarcasm [8|] .



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